and I owe it all to you Chapter 25: Twenty-four, a glee fanfic

And I owe it all to you

twenty-four

For all the attention she constantly craved and tried to get, when it came down to her private thoughts Rachel was a surprisingly reserved person. She had grown used to deal with her feelings and issues (when those arose) by herself, the result of being the basically friendless only daughter of a workaholic couple. That was why she had never told Hiram and Leroy she was struggling with her emotions.

Plus, she knew a good part of her depression stemmed from the nasty treatment she received from her schoolmates, especially from New Directions lately, and said treatment in turn stemmed from residual homophobia towards her parents and the fact that they were an openly gay couple in one of Ohio's tiniest cities. She knew that no matter how much she denied it, her fathers would see right through her attempts to embellish the situation and would feel anguished, heartbroken and guilty. And she desperately wanted to protect them. It wasn't their fault that she got mistreated by others her age, it wasn't like they consciously chose to be different in a town where being different was despised. They just were the way they were, and people simply couldn't accept that, the same way they couldn't accept her.

So, for Rachel, being aware that she couldn't hide from her fathers anything anymore, from the mistreatment she had received at McKinley to her self-harm, was something that felt crippling. And standing on the doorway of Leroy's home office, with the two men who loved her since always staring at her with a sadness that had an edge of pain in their eyes, made her feel devastated, nauseous and ashamed.

But then she felt a hand tightly gripping and squeezing hers, and another coming to rest reassuringly on her shoulder, and two more placed on different spots of her back. Quickly glancing at behind her, she noticed Jesse had been the one to hold her hand, and Santana's hand was in her shoulder, leaving Noah and Brittany to be the ones with their hands on her back. They nodded encouragingly at her in unison, and she nodded back, albeit a little weakly.

Together, the five teenagers made their way in the room and spread around it. Rachel sat down on the couch in front of her father's desk, Leroy at the chair behind said desk and Hiram on a chair next to his, the two of them holding hands. Jesse and Santana sat on Rachel's sides, and Brittany found a spot on the couch's arm beside Santana. Noah simply leaned against the wall by the window, his arms crossed over his chest.

Everyone in the room stayed silent for a while, not knowing how to begin this. Santana, feeling a little like her sister Mariana when this had happened to her, years ago, took a deep breath and began to speak.

"I first began cutting when my mother was going through chemo for breast cancer," she said quietly, her voice clear but soft. "When she was first diagnosed I began acting out, sleeping around, drinking, those kinds of things. But about a month later she was about halfway through with her treatment and she wasn't getting any better, and acting out wasn't… blowing steam as well as it used to for me. One day I was scratching myself absently as I tried to do homework, and I accidentally did it too hard. I was stunned at the relief I felt when my skin broke and blood came out. So I just… began doing that. And as mami's condition got worse, so did my stress, and so I just began doing it more and more often, with sharper and sharper instruments, until I simply was doing it anywhere, anytime. It became like an addiction, like cocaine."

"It feels like it too," Rachel whispered. "The before, the during and the after. Before you do it, you feel antsy, as if your skin is simply too tight. During, it's exhilarating, like- like a standing ovation after an amazing performance. After, you feel ashamed, embarrassed and weak."

Santana nodded, acutely aware of having the attention of everyone in the room. "Yes. And I wasn't supposed to be weak. I was top bitch, excuse the language," she added hurriedly, "at school. And many people lost their mothers and dealt with it in a less shameful way."

"I was lead of my choir," Rachel whispered. "People looked at me and saw this cool and collected girl who never reacted to what she heard and to what others had done to her. I always seemed so sure, so confident, so… So unbreakable. That only added to my stress and it forced me to do it more often in order to feel even slightly in control. Because I can control when I cut, how deep I cut, where I cut. I can't control anything else, but those things I can."

She took a deep breath, surprised at the slight relief she felt after saying those things. Jesse took her hand in his and squeezed it softly, but remained quiet. After a while, Leroy addressed him.

"How did you find out, Jesse?"

"I secretly flew in to watch New Directions' sectionals. When I saw Rachel I noticed immediately that there was something wrong. I didn't know what it is, but something seemed… off about Rachel. That was when I called Puck for help to find out what it was and how I could help her. I had been invited by the current coach of Vocal Adrenaline to join back as assistant coach and I accepted because I wanted to be near Rachel."

Rachel looked up at her parents, noticing the hurt, stricken and guilty expressions on their faces, and hurried to explain, "It's not your fault that you didn't notice. I purposefully hid everything from you the best I could. I didn't… I didn't want you to worry."

There was another bout of silence, and then Hiram asked quietly, "How did the rest of you find out?"

"Santana was with me when St. James called in for help," Noah explained. "He asked us to try and find out what was going on with Rachel, so we started watching her closely. I knew she wasn't genuinely happy, even though everyone else believed she was, but I had no idea what was really going on."

"I was the one who figured it out, because of my past experience," Santana said.

Brittany, who had been quiet until the moment, added her two cents, "My mom had depression after she gave birth to my baby brother, so I recognized a few of the signs," she said. "Everyone sees me as this dumb blonde, so it's easier for me to pick up stuff other people don't or dismiss as nothing of importance." She made a pause and then went on, "But I just thought it was Rachel being depressed over Finn or something else. I didn't know it was cutting."

Hiram and Leroy seemed slightly overwhelmed, and Rachel rationally didn't blame them. How could she, when she knew they were as clueless about this as all the other members of New Directions were? She also felt extremely guilty at this, because she usually didn't keep huge secrets from her parents. They had a pretty liberal relationship and spoke about basically everything from sex matters to the latest gossip on People magazine.

There was another pause, and then Leroy asked, "How… How did it begin?"

Rachel squeezed Jesse's hand and he squeezed back. The memory easily came back to her, and she recounted how before sectionals the previous year she had accidentally cut herself with a broken paperclip. She had been under suffocating stress at the time, with her role at Quinn's secret being revealed and Finn quitting New Directions in revenge. Finn had just jumped ship after finding out he wasn't Drizzle's father and her group seemed to be crumbling down under all the drama.

There was a pause, and then after a moment she added, "I accidentally broke a paper clip and scratched myself at its sharp edge. The pain I felt relieved all my stress. I threw it away and dismissed it and went back to prepping, but my mind kept flashing back to that feeling of freedom. So before I left I picked it back up from the trash and carried it with me. Just in case everything got too hard during sectionals, with Finn and Noah and Quinn and all the others."

And just like that, little by little, Rachel began telling her fathers everything. It wasn't easy. More often than not, she stayed silent for long periods of time, eyes filled with tears as Hiram's soft sobs echoed through the heavy air. But then Santana would squeeze her hand, or Jesse would, or Brittany would rub her shoulders. And she would remember she wasn't alone, and that she shouldn't be ashamed. She was sick, yes. But she was asking for help.

And, when she was finally done, she was exhausted. Drained, both emotionally and physically. She had such a tiring day, with the confrontation with Quinn and-

"Rach?" Brittany's voice tore through her musings. "What happened today that threw you off your loop?"

Rachel stiffened, images of Quinn's viciously beautiful face flashing in front of her eyes as she recalled everything the blonde had said to her earlier that day. Jesse shot her an alarmed glance as he felt her suddenly grow cold, took her hand in both of his and rubbed them together in an attempt to warm her up. Her eyes were vacant, empty, almost lifeless, and it took only a glance at her for Puck to figure out. He growled, and Santana (the two of them seemed to be on the same wavelength lately, it was a bit scary) stood up suddenly.

"I'mma cut that fucking puta!" She announced, and was about to turn her back and march right out of the Berry house towards the Fabray residence when a small hand grabbed at her elbow. The Latina was about to bite whoever it was' head off, but cooled off immediately as Brittany's pleading eyes locked with hers.

"Not now, San," she whispered. "Rach needs us."

And, yeah, Brit was right. Quinn could wait.

Aware that they were on the verge of a huge crisis here, and knowing Rachel was supposed to be the focus now, Brittany led Santana outside, with Puck hot on their heels. Rachel followed their departure with tear-filled eyes, an apology on her lips that Jesse waved off dismissively. "Itss not your fault, Rachel," he whispered as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her closer to him. Rachel curled up against his body and began crying softly.

"It was Quinn. She said these – these awful things about me, about how everyone in New Directions was happier without me there hogging all the solos..." She bit her lower lip and shot a fleeting glance at Jesse, hesitating.

"Go ahead," Leroy told her, his voice soft, with just an edge of steel underneath.

"She also said... She also said Jesse was just using me," she whispered in a hurry, hating to feel him stiffen right next to her. "I know you're not, Jess," she hurried to add, their eyes locking, hers apologetic, his as hard as blue steel.

"That's not all, is it?" Jesse whispered, his voice gentle despite the hardness of his eyes. "You knew she was lying, so she must have said something worse to set you off."

Rachel hesitated, and Leroy stood up, with Hiram next to him, the two men coming to sit next to the girl that was everything for them. "You can tell us, sweetheart," he said, his voice soft. "We can't help you if you don't tell us everything she has said."

Rachel looked at her father's concerned face, daddy's wet cheeks, Jesse's caring hand on her shoulder. And the dam broke, along with all of Rachel's self-control. Quinn's hurtful words poured out of her, along with scalding tears that cascaded down her pale cheeks. "She first said she was the new lead for ND. And that everyone was happier now that I wasn't there to hog all the solos. And then she said no one will miss me... Even if I die tomorrow, no one will cry my death."

Hiram's hand, which was curled within Leroy's, clung tighter to his husband's, aware that interrupting Rachel now would be more harmful than beneficial. Rachel fidgeted guiltily at the shudder that shook her father's body, and Hiram managed to compose himself long enough to tell her to go on. Jesse pressed a kiss to her temple, while Brittany brought a much calmer Santana and Puck back inside.

The tiny brunette took a deep breath and went on. "When I told her she was lying, she said deep down I knew no one wanted me. She said Finn had cheated on me, Jesse had used me still was using me and... And even my own mother had picked someone else over me. She then told me to do everyone a favor and just... Just die already," she whispered the last part, shaking so much her teeth chattered together.

"... She said what?" Puck's voice was quiet, but so dangerous, Rachel shivered at the steel in it. The Vocal Adrenaline lead closed her eyes and curled tighter to Jesse, and both Santana and Brittany shot Puck a warning glance, Brittany shaking her head slightly in negative. The left tackle gritted his teeth together, but settled down – his own vengeance against his baby mama could wait, Rachel needed his support now and if he followed his impulses and left to go take care of Quinn now, it would be more harmful than beneficial to Rachel.

Once she was done with her story, Rachel fell silent. Hiram and Leroy shared one of those unspoken conversations, and together they rose from their seats, hauling their little girl up to them and squeezing her in a joint hug. Hiram broke down against his daughter, his tears trailing down his cheeks and wetting her skin, pressing sloppy kisses in every part of her his lips could touch. Leroy gripped her firmly, whispering sweet nothings in her ear and promising they would do everything in their power and beyond to help her get healthy again. She sagged as sweet relief hit her, and she clung at them, her eyes closed as intoxicating peace filled her troubled soul.

It was Santana, with tearful eyes and a small smile on her face, who pulled the song. It had been on her mind for a long time now, just waiting for the right moment to pour out of her. She had thought she was going to sing it for Brittany, but suddenly it felt more fitting to sing it for Rachel, whose self-esteem and sense of self-worth were battered and broken by the bullying she had suffered in hands of Santana and others.

Give me all, give me all, give me all your attention, baby

I got to tell you a little something about yourself

You're wonderful, flawless – oh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else.

Jesse picked it up immediately and shot Rachel a playful yet proud grin. He knew how much she had wanted to protect her fathers from the reality of the treatment doled out to her in McKinley, terrified of causing them guilt of their lifestyle. It was silly, of course, but it was for Rachel a real fear and one of the reasons she so desperately tried to stick it out in McKinley. But the consequences of that decision had been disastrous: like poison, the bullying had seeped within Rachel's soul and festered, rotting away at her confidence and causing her to have a breakdown of sorts.

That, however, was the past. Rachel had finally vented everything, and, with it all out in the open, her wounds, both physical and emotional, would heal. And he would be there by her side, every step of the way, no matter what role Rachel wanted him to have in her life.

I know that you don't know it

But you're fine, so fine.

Oh, girl, I'm gonna show it, when you're mine, oh, mine.

Hiram and Leroy grinned at the youngsters and squeezed the most important youngster to them. Pressing their forehead to Rachel's temples, they added their own voices to their daughter's friends' impromptu serenade to her, and the emotion in them as they sang brought a batch of tears to Brittany's sparkling blue eyes.

Treasure, that's what you are

Honey, you're my golden star

I know you can make my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

Puck shot a glance at Jesse and then Santana, an unspoken question in his eyes. When they nodded, he approached Rachel and wiped Rachel's tears away with more gentleness than anyone could guess him capable of having, his voice soft and tender in a way that only his hot little Jewish-American princess could bring out of him. He loved Rachel, in a way that was incomprehensible to anyone but each other, and all he wanted was to see her happy. He didn't want to cause her any trouble with Jesse, hence why he had silently asked for permission to take over the next verse, for it was one of the more romantic ones on the song.

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling

A girl like you should never be so blue

You're everything I see in my dreams

I wouldn't say that to you if it wasn't true

With slight but encouraging smiles on their faces, Santana, Brittany, Jesse, Puck, Hiram and Leroy then united their voices to sing the last part of the song to Rachel, all wrapped around her in a collective and fortifying embrace. The pint-sized diva, new Vocal Adrenaline queen, was weeping openly now, a grateful glimmer in her chocolate eyes as she focused on them.

You are my treasure

You are my treasure,

Yeah, you, you, you are

You are my treasure

Yeah, you, you, you are.

Brittany then surprised all of them and latched herself to Rachel, squeezing her fiercely. Planting a kiss on Rachel's wet face, she pressed her forehead against Rachel's and whispered fervently, "Don't ever think you won't be missed if you ever leave. Quinn is a jealous little girl who can't handle not having the perfect life she envisioned for herself and doesn't know how to deal with her own blame on that. All of us love you and are here for you. You are not alone, Rachel Berry."

Feeling her eyes bubble with a renewed batch of tears, Rachel silently squeezed Brittany in her arms, looking gratefully at the support system she had no idea she had. She opened her mouth, but at first the words apparently wouldn't come out. Clearing her throat, the little brunette looked at her family and whispered with a voice that was rough, but thick with gratitude, "Thank you."

To be continued.

Author's note: Hi everyone! God, I missed you so much! First things first, though – thank you for the support and understanding you've shown me after I came clean with you all about my family issues. I'm thrilled to report we're all moved and settled in! Ryan and I have cleared the air and decided we wanted to stay married, so we're working on our marriage – it helps that I'm feeling happier and prettier. I'm no longer the stressed out, insecure woman I was only a couple of months ago, so it spilled over to how I deal with the fact that I have a husband who is hot like hell! LOL Now that he has a wife that is also on her way to being hot like hell, Ryan has been more attentive and romantic, and all in all our relationship has only grown and improved.

The kids are also amazing. They love the new city and the fact that they see more of mama and daddy. We travel a lot as a family now and, with Mattie and Gabe turning two in only a few weeks (where has time gone, oh my God?), they're becoming two little independent men. They walk (coughRUNcough) around everywhere with the dogs hot in their tiny heels and their little personalities are shifting. Mattie is a little cuddly bear now, while Gabe is capable of toddling away without a care in the world if we're following him or not. It's hilarious, but also a source of concern. We can't keep him unsupervised for a nanosecond. If we blink, poof! He's gone, probably after something Ryan and I have firmly told him not to go near.

Alas, everything is smooth-sailing now, and thus my muse is slowly coming back. As a thank you gift for my truly awesome readers, here you have the newest chapter of this saga that is so near and dear to my heart. I felt like crying while writing this chapter. Sharing with your loved ones that you have depression is really a painful moment, especially when you think so many people still don't understand that depression is really a disease. You don't choose to feel depressed, you're sick and you need help from wherever and whoever you can get it. It's difficult to admit that. I can only hope I managed to pass that through Rachel.

Please review. I miss your reviews. And watch out for updates on my other stories. They will come, I promise!

PS: Ah, and I before I forget - the song belongs to Bruno Mars.