Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
"Hitomori Kagura..." He repeated the name that was no longer my own.
I stood as a statue would on the cold pavement. It felt as if I didn't even have a heart anymore.
He knows, but how much does he know? Does he know about the fire? The loss? The pain?
I felt his hand rest on my shoulder, he had me...
'He could kill me.' And then it would all be over. For the first time since meeting Kamen, I felt almost to the point of being afraid of death... An un natural chill ran down my spine that I couldn't describe, but I also felt a misplaced warmth: Light...
My gaze turned to him, now beside me. His expression was unexpectedly caring. This left me in the dark, 'What is he planning.'
"How," I found my voice, "how did you find it?"
He explained the process in a low tone. You could find anything with a police computer and some good hacking skills.
"You were in the paper, when you were ten. Funny thing you did, telling a teacher you knew how to hack into the school site and change grades. And then telling the principal," his breath reached the shell of my ear. "You were such a good girl..."
'Good…?'
I was the farthest from "good"...
My breaths came out as clouds of steam against the cold atmosphere. "So, you know everything..."
In his eyes, I found something strange: pity?
"It was something that was out of your-"
"You don't understand..." No one ever did...
"No, I do." His voice was firm. "The yakuza were targeting your uncle, but in the process that took your home and mother. Even though it happened so long ago, you find it hard to understand why she had to pay the price..."
It was different hearing someone say it than just thinking about it. It made it all the more real...
"You speak about me as if I'm the victim still. You said I was 'good.' But do you understand why I used the Death Note? Do you really think you truly understand?"
The temperature dropped another few degrees.
"As you know the devastation of the Death Note, killing with just a name and face...," I felt his gaze still on me; but, I had yet to return my gaze to him. "I'm killing them... all of the men involved in the burning of my house and mother..."
"It's my revenge..."
Cold air filled my lungs. "You are wrong, Light. I am not a good person. I am no longer the victim in this situation." His hand still clutched my shoulder.
"They will die, and I am enjoying every second of their death. I became a monster worse than them..."
'After all... there is nothing worse than a human, killing another human...'
I felt his silence for a mere minute before I heard his finally speak. "You're wrong..."
'...Wrong!'
"Kino," his breath warmed the shell of my ear, "you're a good person..."
The frozen landscape chilled my soul; yet his words were melting it.
"You kill other monsters, but not for your sake; for your mothers... True, you became a murder, same as them, but they deserve to die, Kino. You..."
I felt a slight warmth inside, but confusion birthed from it. "They're still human monsters... I'm a cruel human because of what I've done. No better than the things you kill." In an odd way, it was easy for me to say this. It was true. Ironic: people say lying is easy, telling the truth is hard. But, it felt different in this case.
'I'm worse...'
"...You're going to kill me..." It was inevitable with the sins I have committed. Nothing can purge me of them, despite whatever this so-called 'God' says...
Seconds felt like hours, until he made a motion to turn me to face him. We stared at one another for a moment. I felt empty, he looked cautious.
Light shook his head the left, then right. Now I was confused, my gaze turned downward.
"Kino, understand that I want your trust again. What I did... I promise you," he raised my gaze to his, "I... I won't make the same mistake."
My fingers began to contract and relax. I registered the information.
'He wants me... to trust him again... finding out my name to prove that even when he had the means to do so, he won't kill me...'
All aspects of this arrangement, I wanted to hate, curse, loath... Yet, I didn't... couldn't... In fact, I felt myself want to almost laugh. Light waited for a reaction with calculating eyes, eyes I knew all too well.
"...Interesting, that you went through all this trouble... It's..." I searched for the right word, "...pathetic, ne?"
A started a small laugh as he stared at me as if I'd just admitted to being accepted into the asylum, before he started to smile as well. Strange, how things turn out...
Light and I began walking to the station. We were already heading to the same station, same path...
By now I had calmed down, silently breathing to myself, attempting to get my hands warm. Always, every winter, I forget to buy gloves; therefore, my hands freeze.
A tense aura still lingered between Light and I; or I could be mistaking tension for something else. One thing was for sure, it wasn't omitting from me...
"Go ahead and ask."
He glanced at me with kind eyes. I kept mine on the path ahead. Still, there was not a soul in sight, too smart to be out in the cold.
"You've been meaning to ask me something else since we started walking again. I'm in a good mood right now and might be apt to answer-depending on the question."
With each breath I took, steam omitted, even more so with added voice.
He seemed hesitant. I waited.
"Why would," he started, "why would your father think you would kill yourself?"
The answer didn't come quickly, in fact, I made sure to count to four before even thinking how to phrase the sentence. The thought of if I should really be disclosing this information never really hit me until the words began the creep out.
"When I was little, after my mother died," I rubbed my hands together, still, "you could say I had a breakdown." He listened without a word, absorbing the information well. "I didn't take the news of my mother's death too well. Even still, I feel that the wounds are still healing. It was also around the time that I received the Death Note and, despite what you may think, I didn't take that too well either."
Slowly, I hope, I was breaking Light's image of me. I was creaking his glass idol that he somehow named me.
"People thought I was suicidal, I was put in a hospital for a month for observation. It was..." He listened on. "...unnecessary... It was just a cage within a cage; but there was no real purpose. It just made me numb."
"But did it hurt before," Light spoke. I kept silent until he stopped to grab my arm. My breath was contained in my throat as the heat of his hand seeped past my coat and into my skin.
"You were hurt before, Kino. You don't have to face it alone."
His eyes were searching for something; but what? What could I have that he would ever want from me? My Death Note...? My life...? Me...?
"It doesn't even hurt anymore, Light... I just feel... numb..."
'Same as before...'
Light took hold of my hands, my eyes widened. 'Warm...' It seeped into my frozen palms and further up my arm. With both of his hands around mine, it felt... safe... I questioned what I felt. I began to feel my own, internal temperature. Like I was actually living...?
'Light...?'
I didn't understand... My gaze turned down and towards the train station path. Momentarily, I glanced back towards him. My breath released. I took a step along the path, urging him to comply, asking...
I felt him breath before following my footsteps, keeping my hands in his. A misunderstood silence settled between us. We stood beside one another on the train; shoulders touching, hands together.
My eyes felt heavy as I glanced at the passing scenery. Today was more than unexpected.
A strange on the train glanced at Light and I from the other side with more than a curious eye. He didn't hide his traveling eye from behind his unfolded newspaper or his glasses. Light noted the man's upturned lips and retreated his hand from mine to wrap around my form. I glanced at Light, who was glaring to the side. I focused on the reflection in the window, seeing the strange man.
'Sick people...'
The man, after noticing Light's glare, retreated back under his newspaper and glasses, his barrier.
The train's intercom went off, announcing our stop and as soon as the doors opened, and we were rushed out with the crowd. Light's arm still surrounded me and both my palms surrounded his right hand. It seemed understood that he would walk me home, I didn't protest; for it would break the silence.
We matched our footsteps, the ice and snow compacting beneath our weight. A cold wind blew; yet, I did not feel cold. I spotted my house up ahead with the small black gate and bright lights. An emptiness began to fill me, overtaking the warmth that worked so hard to thaw the ice.
We reached the gate, I stopped, pulling my hand away from his. I saw his mouth open, about to break the silence. Shaking my head, I didn't want it to the silence to be shattered. It was the calmest I had felt in a long time.
He seemed to understand, I hope he did. But his hand came up to my face, under my chin. I stayed inert as he leaned in slightly. I felt my heart as well as his, in my throat. He was mere inches away, eyes still locked with mine.
'What do you want from me...'
I closed my eyes, taking a breath to fill my lungs. Light watched my eyes close. A spark of hope increased his heart rate. Would I actually give it to him?
He was tempted to take it. Take what he wanted, as he's always done. Yet, it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me to give it to him. But did I know...?
Light felt the warmth of the vapor leave my lips, warmth that he had given me.
'So close...' He would be a fool to give up a chance like the one before him. His thoughts were pushing against his brain, but all lead in the direction of me.
Something happened, and I felt him press against my lips. I opened my eyes, meeting his. No reaction...
We stared for an eternity before I found my mind once more and pulled away. My mind reminded me to breath; yet it was lost in translation.
My hands found the gate latch and with some tinkering I managed to fall through the opening, tearing away, still gazing at his dark eyes. Light stayed inert, his hand still extended to where I used to stand on the other side.
Slowly, I was pulled to the safety of my front door. We still faced one another.
The small black gate slammed shut, separating Light and I. Light's eyes seemed to be asking what had happened, seemingly asking me not to leave.
I still couldn't breath, not with him watching...
My hand found the frozen handle, stealing the heat that Light had given me. With a small amount of pressure, the door opened and the darkness beckoned me in. I heard something, it sounded like a heartbeat, but it was not mine...
'Light...'
I disappeared on the other side of the barrier, closing all access to Light once again. It was then, when leaning on the door, that I took in a shaky breath. My back slid down the entrance way in the genkan. I felt the cold, tiled floor beneath me become chilled further. All warmth gained was now lost.
I released a strained breath, it rattled my throat and shook my heart. A hand found the path to my lips. What was I to think, really? Was I forever to be confused?
My eyes felt moist; yet, I knew nothing would fall. To my right, natural light seeped in through the crakes in the window's blinds.
Light retreated his frozen hands to his coat pocket for warmth to replace the cold. He still looked on at where I once stood, behind the barriers of man.
A hole of darkness appeared in the window and my pale face peeked through, staring at him.
He looked back with large eyes.
'Light...'
I closed my eyes from behind my barriers. I had imprisoned myself in this cage, with only one way out. Light stared at me with something along the lines of longing. However, he turned away and vanished before my eyes.
I breathed deeply, 'Light...'
My hand pressed against the cold window, '... I'm sorry...'
Heart hurting, but just a moment ago I thought it could fly... Now, it was dying again... My gaze turned downward at my other palm against the tile. Neither the window of ground provided the same warmth that his one hand had given me...
My eyes strained to see, yet would never. Why did I push away when it felt so nice? I sat in the silence, telling myself to breath. An odd being, silence was. Not ten minutes ago, I was completely content with it, but now, it haunted me...
Light continued to walk along the icy path. Hands buried in his pockets, clutching what they could. He did not see the passing landscape that lay out before him. He did not care. His pulse seemed to have been swallowed and left by my will; as he felt he no-longer had a heart to give. It was already possessed by an individual, unknown to them: me. Light continued to make his way through the icy path to his residency, but his eyes shut out the world around him.
The heartless vessel walked on, in the slush and grime of this world.
'I'm sorry too...'
Thank you very much for reading. I am sorry about the lateness of this update, but my school just got out yesterday. Thank you very much: bjjoke, Kotoko Kurosawa, arisu rin, and PropertyoftheHalfBloodPrince. Your reviews really made my day!
I am actually quite proud of this chapter. To me, it seemed that things fit in nicely and it's a good depiction of how I wanted Kino and Light's relationship: slightly awkward, yet comfortable with both having a liking for one another. Please ask me if you have any questions. I will be more than happy to answer them.
I would love to hear from you!
-Sin