Chapter 25

Blood washed down the drain in rust-colored swirls. Alexis let the hot water pour over her shoulders, mesmerized by the patterns on the fine tile floor beneath her bare feet.

She was at Martha Rodgers' apartment—her grandmother's apartment—with her father. She had no idea what time it was, except perhaps that it was closer to sunrise than sunset. Everything had passed in a blur: reuniting with Rick, being escorted from the hotel in a police car, finalizing her confession to Detective Beckett, meeting her grandmother...

"Mother, this is Alexis," Rick said, stepping aside so Alexis, who had been all but hiding behind him as they entered their new home away from home, was face to face with her father's mother. Martha had red hair like her; the older woman's gaze was haunted and guarded, just like hers. Martha didn't smile as she was introduced to her only grandchild, which was probably for the best because Alexis herself had all but forgotten how to smile.

She wondered if Martha blamed her for all the danger their family had been thrown in. Alexis couldn't disagree the older woman did feel that way.

"You've been through quite the ordeal," Martha said, tentatively reaching out and patting Alexis' hand. Alexis' fingers twitched as she fought the urge to pull her hand back, to hide the dried blood caked underneath her fingernails.

"It's over now," Rick answered for her. "We're safe and we're together and—"

"I bet you'd love a shower, wouldn't you?" Martha said, ignoring her son's overly optimistic response.

Alexis nodded. Why had her words dried up? Since when was she shy? "Please," she managed.

The older woman's lips twitched, and Alexis saw crinkles appear around her eyes. Smile lines. "How polite. Are you sure you're related to us?"

Alexis didn't know how to respond to that comment, if it was truly a joke, or a jab. So she settled for trying to smile. Then Martha ushered Alexis to the bathroom, pointing out the toiletries for her use on the counter.

"I'll try to find some clothes for you." The older woman moved to leave the room, but Alexis found herself reaching out and taking the woman's hand again.

"I'm sorry for what happened to Rick. To you. I never meant for anyone else to get hurt." Alexis' eyes fell to the tile floor. "I tried to protect him. I would never—" As Martha turned to fully face her, Alexis found herself letting go of the woman's hand, shrinking back. "I'm so sorry."

Gentle hands rested on her shoulders, and Alexis only just managed to stop herself from flinching. "My son has never run from danger, though God knows I've wished more than once that he would. His decisions are his own, and you're not responsible for them. Just like you're not responsible for what that Russian madman has been doing to this family." Martha paused, letting that "f" word that Alexis had never quite been able to wrap her around settle between them, and Alexis forced herself to meet her grandmother's eyes, to read the exhaustion in her firm expression.

"Are we a family?" she asked. "You don't even know me."

"I know enough. And I know that becoming a father, however late that truth came about, has changed my son for the better." With a sigh, Martha let go of her shoulders. "I understand that your life hasn't been easy, and you've done some things you're not proud of, but you can leave all of that in the past."

"It's not that simple—"

" You have choices, kiddo. So maybe instead of agonizing over things you can't change, you should think about what comes next." Martha's lips quirked up into a smile. "For the immediate future, I'd suggest a shower."

Then her grandmother left her alone in the bathroom and Alexis began the process of washing away the night's carnage. As she watched those rust-colored swirls around the drain, Martha's words rang in her head. They weren't quite absolution, but they didn't carry any of the blame Alexis had been expecting.

When she stepped out of the shower, her skin scrubbed pink, a set of pajamas was folded neatly on the bathroom counter, along with a comb and a toothbrush. Her eyelids heavy and her mind buzzing with ever-present white noise, Alexis finished cleaning herself up. Dressed and clean, she found Rick in the living room, nursing a drink. Whiskey, judging by the color.

She thought about Martha's words, how being a father had changed Rick. How, back in that bloodstained hotel room, his arms had hugged her so tightly she could barely breathe, how he'd sounded near-hysterical.

Her absence had frightened him. He'd been worried, perhaps fearing the worst. Because he cared about her. Even with her history, her mistakes, her many trespasses. Somehow, she'd found in Rick what she'd wanted her entire life: a parent who cared. Someone to love her, just as she was.

Tears burned in the back of her eyes. "How angry are you?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

Rick turned around, exhaustion etched into the lines of his face. Something unspoken passed between them, and then he patted the spot next to him on the couch and Alexis took it, gently easing her aching, bruised body down onto the cushions. Rick's face tightened as he watched her movement.

"I know I'm twenty years late to the party," Rick began, "and I don't get to tell you what to do with your life. I know I don't get a say..."

"But?"

"I've never been so afraid and... pissed off in my entire life as I was when I realized you'd gone back to him. You're grounded for life," he said humorlessly.

Her lips twitched. "I can handle that. Not that I'm going anywhere anytime soon," she added, referring to the long road of legal proceedings ahead. Rick took a long pull from his drink at those words, and Alexis tried to divert him to a lighter topic. "I've never been grounded before, you know."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Rick," she said softly, touching his arm. "You know why I did it, right?"

He nodded. "And it doesn't make me feel even a little bit better. I'm supposed to protect you, not the other way around. I was supposed to be there for you. I was suppose to make sure that you were done with all that criminal bullshit."

She flinched at his raw tone. "It was something I had to do myself."

"I saw the surveillance video. I watched him hurt you. I heard the gunshots and I saw the blood..." he exhaled raggedly, his voice breaking. "And I almost lost my mind because I honestly believed I was going to find you dead in that hotel room, Alexis. I thought, well, I've missed the first twenty years of her life and now I've lost her before we could even..." He blinked rapidly.

"I'm here. I'm okay."

"I should have been there for you."

"Rick—"

"If I had been there for you in the beginning, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have suffered—"

"Rick—"

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I'm so—"

"Dad." The word was foreign on her tongue, but it fit. It felt right. She took his hand as he stared at her, dumbfounded. "You're here now. You've been here since before either one of us knew the truth. We can't change the past, but..." she looked down at their hands. "We have this. We have right now. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay as long as you'll have me."

He hugged her close, mindful of her bruises. "How's forever sound?"

Tentatively, Alexis hugged him back, resting her head on his shoulder. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew it could never be that simple. There were consequences for her decisions, debts to pay, sins to atone for. "Forever" wasn't up to her, or Rick. But she pushed those thoughts to the side, holding tightly to the man who made up half of who she was. The man who had given her a home, a family, and unconditional love. "I can handle that."

It took four days of silence before Kevin reached out. He stopped by Martha's apartment after work, a bouquet of multicolored daisies in hand. Alexis had been sitting alone at the the kitchen table, absentmindedly flipping through the GED prep book Rick had bought her. She hadn't yet brought herself to look at the stack of college brochures that had accompanied the study aid. It was like trying to watch a foreign film without subtitles, a language all its own that she'd never considered teaching herself. She couldn't imagine life on a college campus. Couldn't imagine a day-to-day routine that in any way resembled the bright-faced youths on the pamphlets.

There was a light knock on the doorway, and Alexis felt a thread of tension stringing her spine upright as her gaze met the detective's. He was dressed in his three-piece suit, his hair styled just how he liked. "You're a sight for sore eyes," he said softly.

"Hi, Kevin." Her voice was a bit breathless, and she found herself setting her book down and pushing away from the table to greet him. She was very aware of her own loose-fitting clothes and the thick bracelet around her ankle—the compromise between house arrest and being a flight risk. Her gaze landed on the flowers. "Oh, you didn't have to—"

"I know. I wanted to." His smile didn't reach anywhere near his eyes.

She took the flowers, letting her fingertips trail over the soft petals. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He stepped closer, his eyes scanning up and down her frame. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than I look." Her bruises were healing, but it'd still be weeks before they'd be gone completely. She forced a smile to her lips as moved around him to find some sort of vase or cup to put the flowers in. "How are you? Back at work now?"

"Yeah."

"And-and your leg? You look like you can walk more comfortably now…" By some miracle, she found a vase—it looked like Martha had a large collection—and began filling it with water.

"My leg is fine."

"That's great."

"Alexis?"

She unwrapped the daisies and tucked them in the vase, artlessly arranging them so she wouldn't have to look at the detective sharing the room with her. "Yeah?"

"Are you angry with me?"

She stopped, but didn't turn around. "Why would I be angry with you?"

"You tell me."

She bit her lip, allowing her fingers to wrap around the edge of the counter. "Kevin…"

His hands closed over her arms, and she automatically hunched her shoulders forward. He didn't let up. "You won't answer my calls. You can't even look at me. How am I supposed to think you feel about this?" he asked, his breath inches from the shell of her ear.

She turned in his arms, but still couldn't quite bring herself to look at him. "What could you have ever done to make me angry?"

"I don't know. I didn't do a good enough job protecting you from Dimitri. At that hotel… I wasn't there to save you from him—"

Her head snapped up, and without being fully cognizant of it, she shoved him back. "What are you talking about? That's not your fault! How could you…"

"If I'd done a better job taking Dimitri down, you wouldn't have thought you had to go back to him. You wouldn't have been in that hotel that night." His expression was earnest as he explain his fault in all of the things that were not his fault at all.

"That's not true. Kevin, god, I don't ever want to hear you say that again—"

"Is this about the night you gave your statement then? I know I didn't take it well when you told me the whole truth, and I'm sorry—"

She held a hand up. "Stop it, Kevin. Stop trying to find reasons to blame yourself. You haven't done anything wrong."

"Haven't I?" He exhaled raggedly. "Then why did you leave? You slept with me, left before I woke up—again—and now, when this nightmare is finally over, you can't even look at me? What have I done to you, Alexis? Just tell me."

She shook her head. "You haven't done anything. I'm not angry with you. I'm not… You're not the one at fault here, okay? I am."

"What?"

"Come on, Kevin. You saw them escort me to the police cruiser. You heard my statement." She lifted her pant leg to show off the new tech around her ankle. "All of this is my fault. And now it's time that I pay my dues, and… you don't need to stick around for it, okay?"

His expression flattened. "Your trial doesn't begin for another month. You cooperated with the police—"

"It doesn't matter."

"How can you—"

"God dammit, Kevin! I'm a criminal. Don't you get it? I'm poison to you. To your life and your career."

"Like hell you are," he snarled.

"I haven't been answering your calls because you're better off without me. You were fine until I came along and dropped a bomb in the middle of your life—"

"I was not fine! I was a mess. I was in denial; I was angry. I was going through the motions and never taking a single step forward. I was sleepwalking my way through life before I met you. And you woke me up."

"You're still angry. And you're still in denial. What part of this sounds like a happy ever after? You're so afraid to lose someone like you lost Jenny—"

Kevin closed the space between them, his hands cupping either side of her face. "I'm angry because you're being pigheaded. I'm angry because you don't get to decide what you mean to me. And I don't care what things you've done. What you've done is not who you are."

She felt tears burning in her eyes. "Kevin, please—"

"No. It's my turn to make a case. You're right about one thing. I don't want to lose you, Alexis. And I am willing to fight like hell to keep you in my life, even if it means fighting you, no matter what happens with your trial. I'm in love with you. Now, we have to shit to work through, because I am still pissed that you took on Dimitri alone. That you still don't trust me. But we're going to figure this out, and we're going to be happy, godammit, because we've waited long enough."

Alexis sighed, resting her forehead against his. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I just... did what I thought I had to do. I had to keep you and Dad safe."

Kevin smiled at her choice of words. "You didn't have to. Not alone."

"Kevin, are you sure you want this? I can't make any promises about the future—"

"Sweetheart, I've been gone for you since the night we met in the bar. I'm not going anywhere."

His lips found hers, gently coaxing her into responding as his hands sank into her hair.

"Oh. Whoops! Um…"

They broke apart, and Alexis' eyes flicked to the doorway, where a beet-faced Rick was grimacing and covering his eyes. "That's going to take some getting used to." He lifted his hand from his eyes. "So you two finally made up, huh?"

She watched Kevin smirk at his friend before his gaze returned to hers. "I don't know. Have we?"

"I'm not sure yet." Her lips twitched into the first full smile she'd felt in weeks. "But you do make a very strong case." She leaned forward and captured Kevin's lips, twining her arms around his neck. She laughed against the detective's mouth as her father made his own awkward exit.

When they came back up for air, Kevin smiled down at her. "But really… Is this what you want?"

Her fingers entwined with his. "You're what I want, and what I never thought I could deserve."

"I think I'm the undeserving one here. You're the brilliant, beautiful young woman who's saved my life more times than I can count. I'm just the gimpy detective with great hair."

"I seem to recall a few other great assets—"

"Hey, lovebirds!" Rick called from the living room. "You wanna take that somewhere else? Some of us need to use the kitchen!"

"That's a great idea, Castle," Kevin called to his friend. He brushed his lips over hers once more. "I love you."

"I love you, too."