What a whirlwind of emotions that series finale brought us. I am heartbroken that it is over and that I will never again see Regina appear on my screen for another episode, really and truly. Her character means the world to me and without her and without the show I truly would not be the person I am today and none of these stories I have created would exist. I am devastated that she is gone from our screens but am so relieved that she can live on through these stories we write for one another. And I wanted to let you know that even though my updates are slower and even though the show is finished, I am by no means finished with this beautiful character or her shepherd. I will be writing until I run out of ideas and I do not believe that will be any time soon.
So enjoy this chapter! And I hope you all know how important you are to me. Because like Regina and the show, these stories would not exist if it weren't for you. Someone needs to read them ;) So keep reading and keep reviewing and I will keep writing. You guys are awesome xx
She had caught the shepherd's eye as she mounted her horse. But she hadn't cared. He had been walking toward the stable, likely having caught word that that was where he could find her on his seemingly endless quest to do so. He had been just across the courtyard and even though she held his eye, she did not pause for him but rather continued on her way and put her foot in her stirrup and mounted her black stallion. Then without so much as a glance back in the shepherd's direction, she trotted off toward the gate, only cueing for canter once she was off the palace grounds.
She did not gallop away. She was not running from anything, she was simply going for a ride and while her stallion waited on bated breath for her to push him in to a gallop, he dutifully carried on at a steady canter in the mean time. It was an easy rhythm, each stride a smooth motion to follow and she let herself be carried as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air to let it out slowly while her horse's hooves beat against the snowy ground.
It was cold but it wasn't frigid, more so just crisp and reviving than anything else. It seemed that perhaps they were coming up on the last half of winter. And while she tried her hardest to fill her mind of anything but David, she was only successful for a few minutes. For just as always, the shepherd slowly creeped back in to her mind and before she knew it, he was all she could think about.
It was absolutely infuriating. She had no peace from him. None. He was almost always in her company and when he wasn't, he was constantly accompanying her mind.
And it seemed that no amount of pretending she was free was ever going to change that.
But where in the past she had worked to force every thought of him out, this time she humoured herself and let her thoughts wander. And when she gave her mind an inch, her heart took miles and miles.
A simple question of 'what if' led her straight down a rabbit hole. For what if she let the shepherd love her? What if she let herself love the shepherd? There were obstacles in their way, of course, but what if they were removed? What if she stopped fighting him and showed him he didn't need Snow White? That instead, she could love him and he could love her?
What if she kissed him and meant it? What if he held her and meant it? What if they could share a bed as tenderly as they had and not feel guilt in the morning? What if when they woke in the morning they smiled at one another instead of shouted and cried? What if she stopped being so stubborn and pessimistic and let go of her self loathing and refocus her efforts on proving to the shepherd that she was worth something, that she was worthy of his love? She hated that he kept playing with her heart but what if she simply gave herself to him as a whole?
What if she truly did as she had promised Daniel and let herself love again?
Within minutes she had images of David's touch bringing a smile to her face, of her sinking in to him and hearing his happy hum. She could see she and him playing, she and him laughing. She could see herself loving him, she could see him loving her, she could see them happy together. She could see a future with him and it was a beautiful one that had her vision of the snowy forest ahead of her begin to blur around the edges.
It should be easy to obtain such a thing as a happy start with him. And yet over the years they had made it so incredibly difficult to get an honest word out of the other that the idea of a relationship was practically impossible. And even after all he had done to her, she found she could no longer be angry at him. She was heartbroken and sad and miserable, but she couldn't seem to hold on to any form of anger toward him and his ribbon anymore.
She liked to pretend she didn't know why. But that was only because she didn't like the truth. That it was because she loved him.
And while a relationship was practically impossible then, she knew that if they broke habit and stopped twisting their words and hiding their intentions, that if they were just blunt and honest with one another, a relationship was more than achievable. In fact, it would be impossible not to give in to one another.
But she could not let herself love him. Whether it was out of fear or her apparent perpetual need to cause herself pain, Regina could not say. All she knew was that she wanted a life with the shepherd but couldn't have it.
...
David had waited all afternoon for her to return from her ride. He sat patiently in front of the fire in the entrance closest to the stables, waiting patiently for her majesty to walk back in through the door and when she did, his heart leapt a little at the sight of her.
She was beautiful. Her long hair pulled in to a ponytail at the back of her head, silky waves tangled from her ride. Black riding pants, black riding boots, and a dark cobalt blue coat with a collar lined with dark grey fur to fend off the cold. She didn't notice him there at first and continued on her path with her eyes down as she pulled her black gloves from her hands. When her dark eyes snapped to his it was only because he stood from his chair and she caught his movement.
But she did not scowl at him with her usual force. She carried on her way without so much as a thought to stop for him or go to him and she seemed to be simply tired more than anything else. He considered letting her go but decided it was better he didn't given what he had to say.
So he followed her and called for her, "Regina."
"Go away, David."
"You told me to do that three weeks ago and I did."
"I never told you to come back," she snapped over her shoulder as she continued to walk away from him but he followed unbothered.
"You never told me not to come back either," he defended as he put a skip in his step to try and catch up to her.
"Go away, shepherd," she repeated tiredly but he wouldn't give up.
"You once told me that I shouldn't always listen to you. I am coming to realize that three weeks ago was one of those times. And I have decided that this time is one of those times as well so, no, your majesty, I will not go away," he told her and she whirled around to face him, her whole face and body language portraying something far beyond irritation but laced with a heavy exhaustion over their situation.
"What do you want, shepherd?!" She snapped harshly.
"I want to talk to you, Regina! I want to tell you where you stand with me!" He practically shouted back but quickly softened his voice for he truly didn't want another argument, "because I think we have spent far too much time guessing and grasping at straws and torturing one another. You have told me how you feel and where you are standing. I only want to do the same," he told her and she shook her head at him with an irritated scoff but backed off her aggression, settling with displeasure and the very smallest amount of tolerance she could muster.
"I care about you, Regina, that is not in question. I care very much about you and for you. I admire you greatly, I think you are an absolutely incredible human being. I am your friend, Regina, I want to be your friend, you are important to me, you are invaluable to me, I want you in my life. I never intended for things to get so messy between us, I never intended to kiss you, I never intended to sleep with you, I never intended to let you get so close, I never intended to get so close to you. It got so incredibly out of hand, Regina, and for that I am sorry.
We pushed too hard and went too far and I hurt you. I hate that I did but the fact remains that I did. This whole thing, this whole mess, I know I started it when I kissed you after Daniel, I know that it was my fault and I know that I made you feel that I was safe for you. I know I gave you a moment of hope that things could be different, that I could be more for you, that when you decided it was safe to love again that you could love me," he told her and felt his chest tightening with every word as he looked in to those sad dark eyes of hers.
"But, Regina," he pleaded as he stepped toward her and was surprised to find she allowed him to and didn't step away. He almost preferred she had stepped away. Because if she had he wouldn't have been able to touch her, he wouldn't have been able to rest his hands on her arms folded in front of her, he wouldn't have felt the exhaustion and heartache filling her entire being, he wouldn't have seen the true extent of the agony in her dark eyes, and he wouldn't have felt how human she truly was.
"You are taking my heart for yourself when I have already promised it to another," he pressed, trying to get her to understand, trying to make her see where he stood caught between her and Snow. "Regina, you have told me time and time again that you cannot turn me away but what I have yet to say aloud is that I cannot turn you away either. I am at your mercy just as you are at mine. And I am asking you, Regina, to please have mercy on me. Your presence is overwhelming, you come over me like this fog and all I can think about is wrapping myself in you. I want to touch you, I want to kiss you, I want to hold you, I want to share your bed every moment you allow it," he told her and she watched him with pinpoint focus and no single expression that he could decipher, "but I cannot," he shook his head once and she stood still.
"You are trying to tell me that you have made your choice. That you are not choosing me," she stated and his expression fell into anguish. But while her voice was flat and calm, her heart was breaking in her chest and rattling about making it nearly impossible to keep her tears hidden and to hold such an indifferent expression on her face.
"...Yes," he finally replied and with just that one word, he felt sick to his stomach. For regarding his circumstances and commitment to Snow, it was the right thing to do. But outside his circumstances and commitment to Snow, he was not yet convinced it was the right thing to do. And as he watched Regina's stoney composure begin to dissolve in to innocent confusion and a soul deep devastation, he felt even more uncertain about her than ever before. And more heartbroken than ever before.
"I suppose that is only fair," she tried to reason with a quirk of her head as she looked away, trying everything she could to keep her tears hidden only to fail. David's apparent distress only left her state worse off. For how could they both stand there before one another so utterly miserable over the concept of pushing the other away and still push, "you hold your honour and loyalty in your fiancé. There is nothing...wrong with that," she reasoned, trying to convince herself that it was for the best while a tear rolled down her cheek and David shook his head with slumped shoulders and let his hands slip from her folded arms.
"There is nothing right about hurting you either though," he breathed and she gave a pitiful and miserable laugh as she shook her head but didn't say a word, "I am sorry, Regina."
"There is no reason for you to be sorry, shepherd. You are engaged to your flake of snow. You love her, you are making the right choice."
"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you," he pressed and she shook her head.
"That doesn't matter, David. I am used to it," she breathed and when she made herself look at him, he looked even more miserable than ever before.
"I loathed you, Regina," he told her and softly shook his head at her while she watched with tears in her eyes, "I wanted you dead. And then you somehow managed to weave yourself in to my heart and I find myself standing here wanting nothing more than to hold you until all your pain goes away," he told her and she stepped the smallest step toward him and dipped her head to try and catch his eye as his Evil Queen spoke in her very smallest and most pleading voice.
"Why can't you?" She asked with teary eyes, unable to understand what was holding him back from such a thing. She was right there. "David," her voice broke and he shook his head and avoided her eyes at all costs, "I don't understand," she pleaded, her voice desperate and small while her heart ached in her tight throat.
"I love Snow, Regina, I asked her to marry me, she loves me, she is good to me, she makes me happy, and you..." he shook his head as he made himself lift his head and look her in the eye only to feel a searing pain cut through his chest at the tenderness in her expression. The softness in her eyes and mouth, her honest inability to see what was stopping them from being where they both wished to be, the love for him in her eyes. It broke his heart and tears were quickly pricking his eyes as he looked at her and finally let the truth be known, "Regina, you are a risk I just cannot take," he shook his head again while his voice broke in to a whisper. And where he thought she may pull away from him in insult or frustration, she only stepped closer to him with her brow furrowed and her hands reaching for his as she shook her head.
"But I could be good to you," she promised softly, her words slow and just above a whisper as a tear fell down her cheek and she gently lifted her hands to hold his face as she inched herself even closer to him and he bowed his head. "I could make you happy," she told him, trying to convince him to just stay, to just choose her, "I could," she promised, willed him to believe her while his hands laid over hers on his face, even though she wasn't certain herself that she could do such a thing. But she wanted to try. Then he took one of her hands away from his face just so he could press a kiss to her palm and force more tears to fall from her eyes while she tipped her head in to his.
"You are dangerous, Regina."
"Not to you," she breathed and he shook his head against hers.
"Especially to me," he denied and she pushed her forehead heavier in to his.
"I don't want to lose you."
"I will always be here for you, Regina. I am not going anywhere."
"You are going to Snow," she argued and he didn't have anything to say, "but you don't have to, David-"
"Regina," he begged with a broken heart and a single soft sob left her lips as she pressed herself closer to him and tried with every fibre in her being to change his mind. And oh how he wanted to, "please," he pressed and shook his head against hers, "don't."
She didn't want to let go of him. She didn't want to walk away. She wanted to stay there and hold him until they both stopped being so foolish. Until they saw sense and allowed for love between them. But she also respected him.
She respected him and his wishes and unlike himself with her, she was not about to ignore his voiced 'no'. 'No' meant 'no' and even though it broke her heart, even though they may be better off if she ignored him and kissed him instead, she respected him too much to disregard him. But she lingered against him as she fought within herself, willed him to change his mind and love her instead.
But by the time she mustered the strength to walk away, he still did no such thing. So she stepped around him, letting her hand fall from his face and left her other in his care. Let him loosely entwine his fingers with hers as she walked past him and let her arm pull behind her, wishing and hoping that his grip would tighten and stop her, pull her back to him. But her steps eventually had her fingertips slipping from his and the loss of his touch felt like a knife through her heart.