Warning…very unhappy John. June part II

Dean had barely ushered Sean in the door when John was on his heels grabbing him at the elbow. "What the hell do you think you were doing?

"Playing baseball like normal kids, I even hit a homerun. Plus I went to the movies and the mall," Sean spat out, but his diatribe was quickly ended with a smack to the right side of his face.

"Dean, Sam out!" John bellowed.

Sean was doing his best to hold his ground but Dean thought he could see a crack in the boy's exterior. His cheek was red but he was managing as best as he could considering his face was on fire.

"Dad I don't think you are calm enough yet, I mean maybe you should take a walk or something first," Sam suggested.

"I'm fine," he growled. "We're just going to have a talk about the rules and what happens when you disobey them."

"Yeah your rules because it's all about you and what you want isn't it Dad? Well screw you and your rules," Sean yelled.

What happened next was nearly instantaneous. Dean grabbed John and was hanging on for dear life as Sam picked up Sean and rushed to the opposite corner.

"He's just a kid Dad," Dean was saying in his struggle to hold onto John.

Sam was trying to figure out how he could get his brother to safety. The front door seemed like it was a mile away and two beds stood in the way. Sean for his part was struggling as much as John was. It was clear that this was not going to end well.

Dean was just about out of stamina. John was ridiculously strong and Dean was no match for him. He could see Sam trying to shield Sean but Sam wasn't going to fare any better once John was free. And then he was, shaking Dean off like a puppy and instantly peeling Sam away to find his target. Sean wasn't quaking as expected but looking up in sheer defiance. "I hate your rules and I hate you," Sean spouted leaving both Sam and Dean making the signs of the cross.

"You can hate me and my rules all you want boy but you will follow them," John said in a surprisingly even tone.

"No I won't, and you can't make me. You care more about those monsters than you do about me. People everywhere live their lives and never see anything weird so why can't I?"

"Because you would be a target."

"Only because you made me one," Sean stated his arms folded.

Sam and Dean's heads volleyed back and forth and knew somewhere with age John must have picked up some patience along the way, because if it had been either one of them speaking to him at this age, they would be up over his knees right now having the tar beaten right out of them.

"You were one before you were born. You don't think your mother had enemies?"

Sean's brows furrowed. "Did she die because of it?"

"No son, she died a natural death you know that."

"A blood clot, but how do I know that's the truth?"

"Because I told you it was."

"It is the truth Sean, I saw it on the death certificate when I hacked into the hospital's system," Sam said.

"Sam, Dean go for a drive I need some time with your brother." Nobody moved. "I'm fine, go!"

The two men complied heading out the door with forlorn looks on their faces. "He'll be fine, well maybe not fine, just go," John said. He then turned back to his youngest with a stern face and arms folded. "Now start talking!"

"About what?"

"About what has happened over the last few days and about this attitude that you have seemed to embrace."

"I'm mad, I'm angry Dad that I can't have anything normal. You know what, I would rather live normally and die then the way I live now. Just let me go and if I don't survive at least I had something to be happy about."

"So you're just ready to give up then?"

"Sure it has to beat this. Why can't we just stop why can't we be normal?"

"How would it feel for you to see the images that you do and instead of being able to help them you are helpless? You can't tell anybody because they would think you were crazy and those visions would just eat away at you until there was nothing left. Son whether you live this lifestyle or not your visions will always be a part of you and there isn't anything you can do to stop it."

"I can die like my mom did. She couldn't take it anymore it ate her up from the inside. She knew she was going to die and she didn't do anything to stop it."

"How did you know she was aware of her death?"

"I read it in your journal."

"You what!"

"I read it in your journal, it said she knew she was going to die after I was born but you didn't want to believe her but she was right and you couldn't stop it."

"You were specifically told never to touch my journal. You are not ready for what is in there."

"Not ready, Dad I see horror all the time."

"But not so close to you."

"It's all close, it's all around me and I just want to get away."

"You are stronger than that; you are the strongest person I know and not one to give up."

"That crap won't work on me Dad, maybe when I was little but not anymore," Sean said his eyes angry but also had a touch of vulnerability.

"You want to know what makes me angry Sean. The fact that you have put yourself at great risk and for what, for something that you will never have. You can't have normalcy and I'm sorry for that, but it is beyond my control. You have been chosen for whatever reason and you have to live up to a bargain you never made. I thought you had been chosen wisely."

"I guess not," Sean mumbled.

"When you are an adult you can go off and live the life that you desire. You know I as well as your brothers will always be there for you but once you are of legal age I can't stop your independence but for right now you are my responsibility and will live by my rules like it or not."

"You can't control me, that was proven today," Sean said boldly.

"There are consequences that you will have to deal with for what has happened today and the last few days as well as your piss poor attitude. If either Sam or Dean had come close to what you have done I would have been much more swift to act. But I cut you some slack because of the hell you have to deal with, but I can see that that was a mistake."

"Like hell you do, when have you cut me slack? You have driven me to the edge."

"To protect you, to keep you alive."

"It's not what I asked for it's not what I want."

"You are too young to know what you want."

"I know more about it than you do and I want you to stay out of it."

"Stay out of what Sean?"

"My life, just leave me alone," he yelled at a high decibel.

"That I will not do," John said grabbing his youngest and tossing him on the bed.

Sean twisted and attempted to get up but John was too quick flipping him around and securing his flailing limbs. Suddenly Sean's rear exploded as he wondered what the heck his dad was using. Then he recalled the towel bar that he had propped against the wall by the dresser the day before after it had fallen down in the bathroom. He was ever so grateful it was round and hollow but it still stung like a mother.

After several blows John stopped surprising Sean with the short duration. He was quickly pulled up and placed on his feet in front of John. "You will be following the rules whether you are with me or your brothers or alone; I am not losing you not now not ever. I know you are angry, don't you think I'm angry at watching my wife die a horrible death and watching your mother live her last months; that I have to battle evil every day and raise you boys in this world. Don't you think that pisses me off? But all you can think about is you. You have seen too many victims to feel sorry for yourself."

Sean was quiet but John could tell he wasn't done with his tantrum. "I don't care anymore."

"Care about what?"

"Anything…do what you want the next time you leave I won't be here when you get back," Sean threatened.

John just stood there unsure of what exactly happened. He wasn't sure if there was any truth to this or if it was an empty threat said in anger. But by God he wasn't going to take the chance. He grabbed Sean again and sat down on the edge of the bed and flipped him over his knees. He did this for one main reason, Sean hated this position. He generally took his punishment like a trooper but when he turned ten he had a man to man talk with John and asked that he not be put over his knees anymore since he was simply too old for that. John had complied except for once in a while when he just wanted to tap something home; so this as much about the indignity as it was the discipline. He lit into Sean full force and after a few blows reached and tugged the boy's dusty jeans down followed by the boxers that also contained dirt from his earlier baseball activity. He then renewed his efforts laying down red marks on top of his previous red marks. Sean for his part had gone limp sending John into a fury. He kept one hand on the boys back as he attempted to free his belt. Sean seemed to gain understanding of what was going on and began to fight a bit. John was glad to finally see some life to his boy.

"There is too much you don't understand. You see through windows nobody else can but sometimes you can't see what is in front of you. You will not be lost to this world I will not let you."

John knew from going through this with both Sam and Dean that the rebellion was earnest but at the same time they knew John would never allow them to get too far with their threats. He only hoped that Sean was playing the same game.

"I'm dead Dad I'm dead inside and I don't care if I am on the outside too!"

"No you're not," John yelled finally folding the belt in half palming the buckle. You have too much to give and are too strong to give up."

The emotion was at a fever pitch as John brought the belt down over and over. Sean finally succumbed and was sobbing reaching back with his hand in an effort to protect himself. "So you are worth protecting? You want to help yourself?" John asked. He hated to push him this far but this could be his only shot at breaking the boy of his self-deprecation. He could not, would not lose his youngest son.

John finally stopped the wrath and dropped the belt to the floor. Sean fought to get up and John let him. Sean pulled his boxers up wiping his eyes with his hand. John pulled him close lifting him up and kicking the hanging pants aside. Sean pulled away with ferocity but John held fast pulling him close hugging him tightly. His fingers dug into his hair as he held him. Sean finally stopped his fight as both father and son sobbed in their forced union.

Later ***

Sam and Dean cautiously opened the door unsure of what they would find. They had been driving around and killing time for nearly two hours and decided that call or no call from John they were heading back to the motel.

The blinds were pulled creating a cave-like atmosphere the darkness reaching every corner. Dean stumbled his way over to the lamp and turned it on; the soft glow allowing their eyes to take in the contours of their father and brother on the bed. Sam looked and saw some kind of stick next to John's belt on the floor and nodded to Dean.

Dean walked over and picked up the item identifying it as a towel bar. "Ouch," Sam said quietly Dean nodding his affirmation.

Sean was lying on his side as Sam crept closer noticing the boys tear stained face. He sighed knowing this had been a battle as much or more than it had been for himself years ago. John's face looked anything but serene and the boys knew he had to be both physically and emotionally exhausted since he hadn't even stirred since their return. Sean began to shift a bit and his eyes fluttered open. Sam quickly put his finger to his lips his brother immediately understanding.

Dean came over and gave the boy a quick once over. "Are you hungry?"

Sean nodded that he was and Dean felt that was very good news. "Pizza or burgers?"

"Pizza," Sean whispered back.

Dean turned and quietly left the room leaving Sam the heavy work of discussing the dichotomy of what had just happened. Explaining the severity of what he had just been through was out of love and the desire to protect. Sean was standing between the two beds unsure of what to do when Sam pulled him close and hugged him careful not to graze any areas that might be throbbing.

"Let me see," he whispered.

But Sean shook his head no. Sam opened his eyes wide indicating he wasn't going to give up. Sean was reluctant but finally allowed Sam to lead him to the bathroom that held better light and privacy.

"Damn, you must have put up quite a fight."

"I did, he hates me Sam," Sean said trying to hold in a sob. "It hurt so much and he wouldn't stop."

"Because you are so headstrong, even more stubborn than I was."

"And you left anyway."

"I did, but I was better off because of Dad. You may not see it now I didn't for a long time but he does what he does for a damn good reason."

"Safety?"

"Safety and sanity. Just think if you couldn't act on your abilities, if you only saw the nightmares but couldn't end them. Sean you would rot from the inside out, nobody could emotionally survive without help."

"I guess," Sean mumbled.

"Oh Dean and I stopped by the drugstore and got you some Advil," Sam said pulling a small bottle from his pocket. "We've all been there."

"Did you get it this bad?"

Sam paused and looked thoughtful, "yeah or close to it. One thing Dad will not let happen is self-destruction. I tried it; Dean tried it more than once and well let's hope you stop here."

"Why is it like this?"

"Because we are one dysfunctional family living in one dysfunctional world. Though it may be hard to see and feel sometimes Dad feels like we are worth the effort. You may give up on yourself but he will never give up on you."

"But it didn't stop you, you still left us," Sean said his eyes tearing up.

"I did but I took something with me when I went."

"What?"

Sam swallowed. "That Dad loved me enough to let me hate him. That maybe we didn't agree on a lot of things but in the end he only wanted me safe and he spent so much effort on trying to ensure that I would be. He doesn't want to lose you, he doesn't want you to lose yourself, because once you lose yourself you have nothing. And Sean you are not nothing."

"He always said I was something," Sean said with a slight smile.

On the bed John who had been awake since the boys returned smiled as well. His mind hadn't turned off since the ordeal. He second guessed his actions and then second guessed his second guessing. Sean needed a firm hand there was no doubt about it but had John been too firm this time. He feared that for a moment he had lost control.

"So how bad is it?" Sean asked quietly.

John heard some movement and then Sam speak up. "You'll be smarting for a few days, but not too bad considering."

"Considering I was out of control?" Sean asked causing John's eyes to widen in surprise.

"I think we were both out of control son," John said getting up and making his way to the bathroom.

"I guess so," Sean agreed. "Sometimes I get so mad and confused and I just can't help myself."

"Me too," John said smiling as he ruffled Sean's hair. "I guess we both have something to apologize for."

"I guess you wouldn't waste your time on me if you didn't care," Sean admitted grimacing at the shooting pain.

"Very true but I don't wish these moments to happen."

"Me either but I can't just give in all the time."

"And neither can I son," John said smiling and putting his hand on Sean's head.