So here's the next chapter. Thanks once again for reading/ and the alerts etc and thanks also for the reviews, they really make me smile. (Yes my lovelies I can understand how frustrating Sam is being, he's trying to do the right thing but er just a little misguided.)
Ding Dong 'Glee' is Gone – and said show and its characters aren't mine.
Chapter 25: Precipitating Questions
Sunday 7:30PM
"Yep I've still got them somewhere"
"You're a life saver Sam" Blaine answered over the line "That will be super. I think it'll be great to showcase the story from its early ideas"
"Ok. Sure I'll dig them out then and bring them tomorrow"
"Fantastic Sam- see you then, ok?"
"Ok. Bye Blaine."
Sam went into his office searching through his book case for the files with his early sketches he had drawn when he'd just started working on the Music School site.
He pulled out some of the folders and noticed the thin blue file with "EVANS" written on it that RJ had sent him of the accident report with photographs of the crash and his family's details. He tossed it to the side on his table next him, and then pulled out the blue folders, with different design ideas and flipped through them.
He also remembered doing some sketches in one of his many black leather bound sketch books he owned, like the one Stacy had first given him, and he removed the collection that were stacked on his shelf.
He opened one of them and unexpectedly smiled at the pages, they were not the sketches he was looking for, but the one's he'd drawn of Mercedes, back when she was nothing more than an idea. He flipped through the pages, whisked away by image after image that he had drawn of her, different angles, different places, and different dreams. Of course, they didn't beat the real thing, he thought, and his smile grew wider. She was real and needless to say, even more beautiful in real life.
He was glad that she was doing things, slowly getting back out there and living life, although he missed not seeing her as regularly, it had been nearly three weeks, but still he was glad that she was finding her own way.
He just wished things could be simpler with her.
There was so much still left unsaid and he was getting tired of not saying it any more. He wanted so much more for them, and just wanted to tell her, rather than having to pull away from her every time he felt himself getting too close, for fear that he was only ever going to hurt her by withholding the truth all this time. He knew the longer he left it, the worse it would get.
Maybe what Mike had said to him last night was right, he thought.
She needed to know, she needed to hear it, process it and move on. He had been afraid like RJ, that maybe she could not handle it, that it would set her back, but from everything he'd learnt so far about Mercedes, if he asked him self, honestly deep down, he knew he had to believe in her, in her strength in her spirit.
His phone started buzzing, seeing Mercedes name flash up on the screen.
"Mercedes! Hey. I was just thinking about you" Sam said as he answered her call, smiling sadly to himself "I actually was hoping we might talk…"
Sam stopped, realising the deadening silence on the other end.
"'Cedes?"
He heard a sniffing sound
"Mercedes is that you?"
"Sam" she managed to say, her voice strained and thick with tears, the sound wrenched his heart, draining the blood from his head down to his legs.
"Mercedes? Are you ok? What's wrong?" Sam tried to stay calm, hoping she'd be able to answer.
Mercedes started crying on the other end, Sam dropped the book in his hand and started to panic at the sound of her palpable distress that only seemed to increase since the call began.
"Mercedes, What happened?"
"I'm -" she wept "I- just I can't…I can't…I don't know what to do"
"What happened? I need you to help me understand…"
"I'm …I -I…just...started walking" Mercedes tried to speak through her tears, calming herself just enough to try to speak to Sam, " I just need to be away from my house…I just need someone to talk to…can I -can see you please?"
"Just tell me where you are…I'm coming right now"
X
Thursday 2:45 PM: 76 hours and 45 minutes earlier
Mercedes sat on a bench on the campus waiting for Calvin to pick her up. She shook her head and let out a heated breath in annoyance. Her meeting with her tutor, Professor Lucas Valdez was still gnawing at her mind.
She replayed the conversation back in her head she'd had just a moment ago, frustrated.
"It's good Mercedes" He said, eventually, his tone matter-of-fact.
He had just played the piece and had spent nearly five minutes scrunching up his nose and analysing the notes in front of him.
Mercedes bit her lower lip as she tried to process what "good" really meant.
"It's good" he turned to face her from the piano and nodded.
"Good?" she repeated.
Professor Valdez sighed and looked at her, "So far. I do like it"
"You… do?" Mercedes said slowly, unsure.
"I mean, it has great rhythm, the melody is light"
"Ok… So any improvements going forward?"
"Mmm" he looked back at the composition.
"I mean it's just the beginning so…anything I could work on…"
Professor Valdez sighed again and rubbed his chin.
"Professor I can handle it… just hit me with it." She tried to smile bravely.
"You know, Mercedes" he began and swallowed focusing on her and trying to decide on his words, "It's hard for me to judge."
"What do you mean?" Mercedes narrowed her eyes.
He decided to stop deliberating and just say it, "It's naïve. It's innocent. Shallow."
"Shallow?" Mercedes tilted her head to this side, her eyes still narrowed beneath her furrowed brows, trying to understand his appraisal.
"I get the sense you're holding back Mercedes. Like there's more you want to say but you're not"
Mercedes sat silently.
"I know you probably don't want me to bring up the obvious, but you were never afraid to go deeper to push harder before… maybe things have changed, but there's a spark missing, and I need you to find it"
Mercedes shook her head and her forehead wrinkled further, "I don't really get what you mean Professor, am I supposed to bare my soul out in this assignment?"
"Not necessarily, although that always helps" he shrugged and fixed his glasses on his nose, his tone softened as he looked at her tried to elaborate, "Look, I don't mean to be obtuse Mercedes, but you went through an experience and I'm- I'm not saying you have to tell that story in this piece, but from my point of view- like it or not something is holding you back, and whether it's what happened to you or something else you're afraid of looking into, it's showing "
"But it's just a simple assignment. I don't see why that one thing should define me and the kind of music I make?"
"Of course not. I'm not saying that one thing should define you, Mercedes, not at all. But it's about honesty, with yourself, not anyone else, you don't have to write scores about it, but you need to hear your voice to be able to write something authentic, something that is truly moving…I get the sense you're voice is still missing"
Mercedes shook her head. "I don't know how much more honest I can be? I am opening up, I'm writing and trying. I've been through stuff but I'm finding my way. I'm trying! With all due respect Professor, are you sure you're not the one just hung up on this whole thing? I mean at the end of the day aren't I just supposed to produce a technically good piece that meets the criteria set out?"
Professor Valdez offered a small smile at Mercedes, "Technically it's good Mercedes. You are doing all the right things, ticking the right boxes. Are you going to pass with this piece the way it's going now? Sure, no problem. But I also know that the Mercedes Jones I knew all those years ago can do and be better"
Mercedes closed her eyes and opened them again.
"What if the Mercedes Jones you knew back then is no longer here? What if the Mercedes Jones that is left is the one who produces pieces that are technically sound and get a pass?"
Valdez pressed his lips together and nodded thoughtfully with raised eyebrows, "Well you're asking the right questions but it's not for me to answer them"
Mercedes shook away the echo pf Valdez's words still reeling in her mind and the image of him peering at her from his spectacles from where she now sat in quad. She remembered him always being the one to push her in the most frustrating ways back in her final year, and she knew that was what he was doing now, but it still irritated her that she felt like he was asking her to dig deeper than she already was. Why did it even matter?
She sighed and checked her phone, wondering if Calvin was running late.
"Mercedes!" she heard a deep voice call her.
Mercedes looked up and saw her father greeting her with a smile.
"Dad!" she smiled "I thought Calvin was supposed to pick me up?"
"I told him to take the afternoon off- I wanted to spend some time with my lovely daughter before I head off tomorrow. Thought we could get some ice cream"
Mercedes smiled "Mmm ice cream huh?"
"So, how'd you're tutorial go?" RJ asked as they walked to the car.
"Crap" Mercedes uttered rolling her eyes and opening the car door.
"Really?"
"Yeah… but I don't want to talk about it"
"Sure?" RJ raised an eye brow at her.
"Yep. You came to take me for ice cream and so I want ice cream!" she grinned and bobbed her head into the car.
RJ shook his head and smiled.
X
Friday 11am: 56 Hours Earlier
"Thing is this block of classes just becomes inaccessible- a young person supposed to just start with that level of interest they may have- whatever the skills they come with- not just launch into this heavy course- I mean that's kind of missing the point of it right?"
Mercedes looked up and Shelby and nodded. She thought for a while then began to speak, "Well we could break the classes down further into categories"
Shelby listened to Mercedes and nodded slowly.
"So we start with taster workshops for beginners, where they get the chance to try out some of their ideas and learn a bit as they go on composing and seeing how that works, and then from there we develop programs that push them further? I think we have to tailor it that way at first perhaps?"
"Mm yes I see where you're going with this Mercedes" Shelby's eyes shone as she nodded away "That way we can learn what works and not without rolling out something overwhelming for them…or us for that matter"
"Exactly… er-" Mercedes smile faded momentarily in response to her phone that buzzed, she looked at it and turned the screen off, quickly focusing her attention back at Shelby with her smile recomposed, "Yes exactly"
"Do you need to deal with that?" Shelby asked narrowing her eyes looking at her phone.
"No no its fine," she shook her head, "It's just a message"
"Well I guess we're kind of done here for now anyway, so what do you say I give you a ride back home?"
"I can call Calvin, it's fine" Mercedes shrugged and added as she gathered the papers on the table "I'll look over these and see if I can develop a basic structure?"
"That sound perfect" Shelby replied, "But I insist on taking you home - I'm going to pick up Ollie soon anyway!"
X
"You know what- I'm still so impressed you haven't caved and taken a look at the school building yet" Shelby remarked as she watched the road on the way to Mercedes house.
Mercedes smiled "I know, just think it's only right that I see it when it's all done. I mean, it was designed before I was able to have any input in it anyway, so I guess I figured I may as well wait and see now"
"But doesn't that scare you?" Shelby turned briefly to look at Mercedes before watching the road again "that it's all taking place without your input?"
"Not really. Don't get me wrong I could see how it could, but it's more just exciting to see what it will become you know? It probably sounds weird, but some part of me just trusts that it will be just right"
She reflected as she sighed and looked out of the window.
"That's quite some faith you have" Shelby smiled broadly.
"Yeah… probably blind faith!" Mercedes laughed at herself and shook her head.
"No I wouldn't say that! Its nice" Shelby mused "And its not like it isn't in good hands"
"Yeah" Mercedes smiled softly at the thought, "Whenever I'd catch up with Sam by the lake I just have that sense he's got it- not just the project but, the whole vision the idea- he gets it."
Shelby smiled and nodded "I wouldn't trust anyone more"
"Yeah" Mercedes nodded, her face faltered slightly.
"So have you caught up with him recently?"
"You mean Sam?" Mercedes tried to hide the discomfort in her voice
"Yeah" Shelby nodded, pressing her lips together as she turned the steering wheel. "You know by the lake?"
"Erm not so much these days- I mean the last few weeks I've kind of been busier with this and college and everything"
"Of course…" Shelby paused thoughtfully "So have you figured out with you're going to do with that assignment they set you?"
"Working on it" she sighed.
"You'll get there I'm sure" Shelby smiled.
X
Friday 12PM: 55 Hours Earlier
Sam took his hard hat off as he walked back to the site office.
"Hey Sam" Blaine greeted him from the desk he sat at.
"Oh hey Blaine" he said pouring him himself a cup of coffee.
"Aren't you supposed to be rushing off to see Mercedes right about now?" Blaine wondered out loud. He rested an elbow on the desk to support his chin on his hand, his other hand twirled the pen he had just been writing with before Sam had entered.
"Coffee?" Sam asked holding the coffee pot and looking at Blaine.
"No thanks" Blaine smirked at Sam, "I'm ok"
"Ok." Sam replied, he put the pot down and took his cup to sit at a chair in the neighbouring desk, placing his feet on a chair in front of him as he sat and began to drink.
Blaine continued to watch Sam "Seriously though Sam, you hardly ever spend unch breaks here"
"Sure I do" Sam shrugged he shook his head "Besides, if must know… she's busy"
Sam took a gulp of his coffee.
"Oh I see" Blaine raised an eye brown a smile playing on his lips at Sam's response.
"She's been getting involved with the music school and doing college stuff" Sam shrugged and shifted his position slightly as leaned back in his chair further.
"Oh good for her" Blaine raised his eyebrows thoughtfully and smiled.
"Yeah," Sam nodded with a faint smile.
"So are you ready for RJ's visit before his next trip"
"Sure am" Sam sat up a little "How long is he going away this time?"
"A couple of weeks I think"
"Ok." Sam nodded "So hopefully he'll be able to see the auditorium before he goes"
"The trouble with the ceiling fixed?"
"Nearly" Sam said "I'm hoping it will be by today."
"Shame Mercedes isn't coming to check it out too huh?"
Sam gave a flat smile. "I just hope we get it right for her"
Blaine sighed, "You will buddy"
Sam's phone buzzed from his pocket and he slipped it out and looked down at it, Mercedes had replied to the message he'd sent her an hour ago.
Sorry Sam. Been busy working stuff with Shelby. Maybe next time.
Blaine raised and eye brow as he watched Sam's face lighten up a little as he busied himself with a reply.
X
Mercedes sat on her bed opening Sam's message, it was no doubt a reply to the apology she had just sent him. Earlier he'd sent her a message when she was meeting with Shelby, asking if she might be around to have lunch by the lake, but she chose not to reply then, even though she knew she'd be back in time, but she decided to hold off replying until later. She had been doing her best to reduce her contact with Sam, managing this mostly by avoiding any visits to the lake for the last few weeks and not messaging too much. She read his reply:
Sure, no problem! Hope that's going ok. Let me know whenever you're free
She had enough excuses for him not suspect that anything was wrong, but it was still hard for her not to want to engage with him more whenever he'd reach out like this. She stopped herself from smiling at the message and instead went to her desk to work on her assignment. She attempted a few lines for the song:
Break my self apart
Over and over again
Let me just restart
Count me down from ten
Mercedes crossed out the words and shook her head, Valdez's words repeated in her mind. Her phone buzzed again and she squinted at it wondering at first if it was another message from Sam.
Hey 'Rethra! Five days left and I'm off! Whoohoo. It's gonna be great!
Mercedes grinned at Santana's message and shot a reply back.
Whoohoo! Can't wait to see you Missy!
X
Saturday 7PM: 24 Hours Earlier
Sam took a sip of beer and watched Mike as he returned back to the bar.
"Everything ok?" Sam asked as his friend took his seat.
Mike shook his head and laughed "I have no idea what I've done"
"It'll be fine!" Sam smiled tapping his friend on the shoulder.
"That's what Tina said" Mike took a large gulp from his bottle.
Sam laughed.
"What was I thinking letting them go to an anime convention"
"You mean even after you researched and checked the crowd estimates, helped Chloe make her costume and gave her a spending budget"
Mike shrugged "I'm a terrible father"
Sam smiled and shook his head. "They're having fun aren't they?"
"Yeah"
"Tina knows what she's doing"
"Yeah"
"They have you on speed dial"
"Yeah"
"Tina's parents are near the convention centre"
"You're right- It's fine" Mike shook his head then nodded then drank his beer "They're going to be finished soon anyway"
"Hard being a Dad huh?"
"It'll be you some day" Mike eyed Sam thoughtfully.
The corner of Sam's lips raised a little and he sipped his drink again.
"So er- you seen Mercedes recently"
Sam looked at Mike and shrugged "No I haven't really seen her recently"
Mike squinted his eyes curiously.
Sam sensed Mike watch him "It's cool- I mean she's basically busy with the music school and college and getting her life back on track"
Mike nodded "That's good for her"
"It is"
"But?" Mike raised an eye brow.
"But what?"
"Come on Sam" Mike said seriously "I can tell that something is bothering you"
"I'm happy for her…she's getting back to her dreams and being busy and living and all that…I just…I get the sense she's avoiding me"
"Ahh" Mike nodded.
"But I don't want to assume that's what she's doing and you know if she needs space I want to respect that… it's good for her…"
Mike studied Sam for a minute.
"Sam can I ask you a question?"
"ER…." Sam sighed uneasily and ran his fingers through his hair, not sure he really wanted to be interrogated, but he could tell Mike was going to say it any way and so shook his head "Fine... go ahead"
"What exactly is going on between you and Mercedes?"
"What do you mean?" Sam squinted.
"You guys are friends right" he leaned on the counter and looked at Sam.
"Yeah"
"More than friends?"
Sam paused and threw Mike a frustrated look for a moment.
"You know how I feel about her Mike"
"Yeah. Sooo what's the problem?"
Sam shut his eyes and shook his head.
"I can't just throw that at her. She's got her whole life to rebuild. The whole recovery process she's been dealing with. I can't just put that on her like that. I don't want to pressure her with that"
"She's doing pretty well on the recovery side of things right?"
"Yeah she is. It's just…"
"What?"
"She still doesn't really know about what happened. The whole story"
Mike raised his eye brows "What?!"
"Yeah"
"I thought RJ was going to tell her?"
"He hasn't yet"
"What?!"
"I know" Sam lowered his head and shook it, ashamed somewhat at the situation.
"She's got to know sooner or later"
"I know" Sam nodded looking at Mike then his bottle.
"And you don't want to tell her either?"
"It's complicated. I mean her Dad doesn't think she's ready and well it's not my place"
"Hasn't she been asking questions?"
"Yeah. But he's only telling her part of the story" Sam shook his head again, shaking his head at himself felt like it was all he could do sometimes.
Mike frowned, "Wow"
Sam let out a bitter sigh.
"At least not seeing her these days means I don't have to keep lying to her"
"So you're just going along with this?"
"What choice do I have? She'll hate her Dad if I tell her. She'll probably hate me. And she has no one right now" Sam looked hard at Mike "No one. What if she can't survive finding out? What if it set her back too far? I don't want it to destroy her."
Sam shook his head once more and blinked hard.
"We survived didn't we?"
"We did. But we survived knowing there was nothing we could do at the end- I just worry that she's going to think it's her fault"
Mike thought for a while about Sam's words.
"Sam, I thought I should have been driving slowly or that I should have done more at the scene to help people. You thought you should have been the one to go and drive to see your family or make it the week after. We all tried to take the blame in some way. But in the end we realised there were some things you can't control. Things just happen and you have to pick up and carry on"
"I know Mike" Sam's eyes widened emphatically "But... I don't know…I keep thinking that maybe she can handle it… But then I keep thinking what if RJ's fears are right, what if it is too much for her? And if I tell her…what about her relationship with RJ?"
"If I've learned anything from this…at the end of the day the truth always comes out. What's better? Her finding out on her own? Or her hearing about it from the people who care bout her?"
Sam looked at Mike and sighed.
X
Sunday 2PM: 5 Hours Earlier
The sound of the ticking clock echoed in Mercedes' mind as she stared at the impenetrable blank page in front of her. At every new venture, it was as if she was pushing against something heavy and encompassing.
She needed to produce a set of assignments to complete her credit and graduate. The college were very understanding, and given her excellent performance before the accident, they created a manageable programme for her to complete her degree, and she was even able to show how her work on the music school could count towards that.
Easier said than done, it would seem, as she set about trying to begin that process. She thought she had been doing well to start with, but after her meeting with Professor Valdez, it seemed that she was falling at the first hurdle.
The blank page stared starkly back at her.
Valdez's adjectives repeated through her mind "Naïve, innocent, shallow".
She thought she had done alright, considered that most of the time she felt unable to create anything. She tried, she had put in the hours of sitting and attempting to draft and redraft only to throw it all away frustrated, when she finally came up with something to show her professor she thought it was an achievement of sorts. But clearly not. It just was not deep enough for him.
"Who does he think he is?" She muttered.
Mercedes tore up the page in front of her.
She was tired.
Her sleep was getting worse, the dreams that she could never remember but would wake up feeling distressed from seemed to be happening more frequently, and as much as Mrs Chang tea was helping her relax, she would only fall back to sleep to be haunted by them once again, as if they were trying to tell her something.
What future could she build when she still felt like something important forever remained obscure?
She stood at the table and shook her head frustrated.
Her father was away again on another business trip and so she had the house to herself, free to putter around, trying to find some idea or spark or something to help her along.
Was Valdez right? Were there just things holding her back that she needed to let go before moving forward?
If she was honest with her self, her inspiration was forever being stifled by her frustrations about feeling that she was missing something.
But what more could she do? Her father had already told her what had happened and all that she needed to know about the accident, she just had to come to terms with it and she thought she was already doing that? What more was she supposed to be asking or searching for? How much more authentic could she be?
Except then when she searched her heart, she knew deep down inside that she still felt like there were pieces missing, if only she could remember the actual events for herself.
She went back to her desk and looked at the thin file that her father had given her with the photographs of the accident.
She sighed and flipped through the folder again. She had not really looked back at the pages was since the day her dad had handed them to her a few months back. Back then she felt numb, but she was satisfied to at least have the story told to her finally, and so she accepted it. So why was it that now that she wanted more than just the story she was told? Why would she not be happy with that? What was aggravating her so much that she searched for something more?
She looked at the photographs slowly, one by one hoping that they would trigger some memory of the event. The image of shattered glass on hard concrete and a crumpled car body, however, did nothing.
She gave up and returned to her desk and picked up the pen and paper moving to the nook by her window..
She looked outside at the glimmer of a distant building that reflected back the afternoon sunlight. The sight made her heart twinge a little.
Pieces of me
Hear echoes of you
Sing to my soul
As it searches for truth
She shook her head away refusing to think about Sam and how much she would love to talk to him about this agitation she was feeling of searching for something. Of course she then reminded herself that what she needed to do was to stop thinking about him. Besides even if she did want to speak to him, he was not even there today.
She attempted to write once more:
Haunted by dreams
that beckon my heart
Drag me in deep
just to break me apart
Safe to believe
A promising lie
If I stay still
Then my spirit will die
So rested her head against the glass and closed her eyes until she drifted off to sleep.
She could hear the screeching sound fill the air. The car lost control.
Stop! Stop! STOP!
The across car had people inside it, a woman and a man in front driving.
Break. STOP!
She saw the woman's face and she closed her eyes.
Powerless.
She swerved.
Another car.
STOP!
Shattered glass raining down.
There was a man who came to her car and spoke as she tried to wake up. A young woman sat next to her and clutched her belly. She was pregnant.
She was hurting. Everything was hurting.
Sunday 3.30 PM: 3 Hours and 30 minutes Earlier
Mercedes opened her eyes and breathed in and out deeply.
Everything hurt.
It still hurt.
Pieces of the dream still wafted over her mind from behind her closed lids as she shut them and opened them again.
The moving images of cars and people and glass reminded her of the scenes in the photographs. But these weren't just pictures; these were more like scattered thoughts, images in her mind.
Were they memories?
She wondered if they were real or imagined.
Maybe she'd been over thinking this and now her mind was working over time.
Mercedes pressed her hand to head and tried to stop the spinning sensation that threatened to turn her world turning upside down. She breathed in and out deeply to calm herself.
She stood up and returned to her desk to take the accident file once more and flipped through it frantically.
Photograph after photograph of just a single car. Her car. Just her car.
Her father would have said something. She reasoned.
He wouldn't lie about this, would he? She asked herself.
But what was it she just saw? Could she even trust what her mind was showing her? It was just a dream, right?
She looked again at the photos, trying to connect the memories of her dreams to the images she was looking at. Hoping and fearing they would connect as she turned the pages more slowly.
With the final picture still drawing a blank as she turned it over she threw her head down into her hand.
That was when her eyes caught sight something at the back of the file. She saw the white triangle of torn paper caught in the ring of the file.
"What's this?" She wondered out loud.
It looked like some paper that was once filed there had been ripped out. Her finger rubbed against it and she studied it for a moment. A deep heavy sensation rolled into her chest like a gathering storm cloud.
Was there supposed to more?
She stood up and marched to her father's study.
First she searched through the papers on his desk, but there was nothing but papers of plans or accounts. Then she opened each drawer in turn rifling through the items in there, there was his old glasses case, and his old desk diary from last year.
The space where his lap top would be was empty.
She searched through the book shelf and then the filing cabinets, one after the other trying to find something, anything. Anything to prove that she was not going crazy.
She looked around the room in search of somewhere, some place where there might be more information. Her search was frantic, part of her telling herself that she was looking for something that did not exist, that all there was to know was in the file that her father had given to her. That she should trust that, shouldn't she?
She sighed and shook her head, unsure why she was doing this, afraid of the anger rising inside her.
She sat back at his table, and reopened the drawer with his old diary from last year and picked it out resignedly. She turned over each page, reading notes made of meetings and appointments noted down with clients and associates. She noted the few with Andersons and with Sam, perhaps back when the designs for the school were still in progress and she was fast asleep in her coma.
Then she flicked to the day she woke up from her coma and saw that he'd pencilled in: Sam and Mike 4PM.
Mercedes shook her head wondering why Sam and Mike. Sam she could understand was maybe to do with the school- but Mike? Wasn't Mike Sam's friend? Maybe he was just passing by? But why? Why them together? On a Saturday?
She looked at the business card tucked in and read it "Michael R Chang Jr M.D. Emergency Medicine ".
Mercedes sighed and shook her head, This was definitely not helping, she concluded. She didn't even know what she was looking for.
"It was just some torn scrap of paper in the back of the folder," she reasoned to herself "Perhaps it was there from before? Why would it mean anything?"
She idly picked up the notebook in the open drawer, that was underneath the glasses case and diary and opened it.
She scanned it's unused pages not expecting much to be in there, by now feeling the need to give up as she realised that she was just clutching desperately at straws to find something that made sense of the strange images her brain had dreamt up.
She hoped they were just that. They must be.
She was just still processing things and it was throwing all sorts of ideas up with it, maybe they were just scenes from an old movie she had seen or something, or her own fears and imaginings of what had happened.
"This is silly" she sighed and chided herself for letting herself get carried away.
She fanned open the book childishly, scolding her self and leaned into the seat.
"See Mercedes nothing here! Nothing at-"
She stopped talking to her self when it slipped out onto her lap, the papers tucked in the back of the notebook.
Mercedes picked it up and looked at it. There were maybe five or six sheets and folded in half, like it had been slipped there and maybe now forgotten.
She imagined it was nothing, probably some old document her father had, but still she went ahead and opened it any way.
The words: "ACCIDENT REPORT SUMMARY" glared unapologetically back at her.
Her breath froze.
She blinked and reread the words.
She had definitely not seen this before.
She studied instantly noticed the triangular rip on the side of the first page. She imagined that the piece torn paper still in the file she had left back on her desk with the photographs her father had given her, would fit perfectly there.
"Oh God, no, Dad" she shook her head painfully "Why?"
She sat still, frozen, as she read the pages one by one.
Date.
This was it she realised. She read on.
Location. Times. Cars.
Cars?
As the words soaked in, she pressed her hand to her mouth and shook her head, closing her eyes tight to stop the tears from clouding her vision, but she dare not stop reading, because this was the nearest to truth she had been and she needed to know, however unforgiving the reality was, this was all she ever wanted to know.
Location. Times. Cars. Casualties.
She read the stark words.
Casualties? She shook her head.
Casualties.
The words in black and white confirmed back what she'd read.
Casualties.
She read on, her heart breaking apart slowly with each word she read.