Disclaimer: All characters and situations from One Tree Hill are properties of Mark Schwahn, and CBS Warner Television. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note - Please Read: I went on the internet and searched to see how accurately that I was portraying Zoloft, and figured out that I wasn't very accurate. When I first started writing the story, I did not do the proper research. I understand that all the information isn't correct, and I must ask my readers to put aside any criticism for improper medical details about the medication. To go back and change some things would change the story. For instance, Zoloft is apparently not addictive, and where would the fun be for Lucas if Zoloft wasn't addictive? Now that I have the information, I am trying to make it as accurate as possible. Thanks, Broody.
Where To Turn
Chapter 24
Hope Dangles On A String
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"I heard everything that you said last night." Looking away from the scenery, he turned his head to look at Dan. He was ready for one of those long-winded conversations now.
Dan almost slammed on the brake when he heard Lucas's confession. He had a feeling that things between him and Lucas were about to change.
So what would he do? Should he confess everything to Lucas, or deny everything and blame it on Lucas being drugged. Should he be the New and Improved father, or the old father that he was so comfortable being?
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"What all did you hear Lucas?" Dan's voice was slow and calculated, careful not to let any revealing emotions show through. Lucas was usually so sensitive that he would take any negative emotion as an insult or something meant to hurt him.
"Enough to know why you are sending me to live with Keith." Lucas knew that he sounded more hurt than argumentative, but he was so tired of hiding his emotions. Even if he still felt physically sick, he was ready to bare his emotions to his father.
"Did you understand that I don't want to get rid of you, or make you think that you're disposable to me, because you're not. I just want you to get what you need."
Dan looked around where he was driving and found a parking lot so they could stop. Even though he knew that Lucas needed to get home and rest, he wanted to have this conversation when they were both being honest. And obviously, Lucas was feeling quite honest at the moment.
"I understood when you said that sending me away hurt you as much as it hurts me. So I guess my question is that if it hurts you so much, and it hurts me so much, then why don't you just let me stay?"
That statement hit Dan harder that he ever thought something could. All of the childish undertones shocked Dan. He didn't think that he had ever heard such a child like statement coming from Lucas. Normally he was abrasive, rude, and moody. He would never usually tell Dan that something hurts him. This change showed Dan that Lucas was laying his feeling on the line in this conversation.
"Lucas, I'm sending you to live with Keith because, even though it hurts both of us, Keith is going to be able to give you a lot of things that I can't give you." The instant that Dan said it, he knew that it wouldn't be a satisfactory answer to Lucas.
Lucas sighed, exhaustion creeping up his spine. Dan's answer wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to listen to crappy logic. The only thing he wanted to know why his father wanted to get rid of him, and why he was so easy to throw away and forget about.
"Like being a father?"
Watching his son say that, he was shocked when the boy's eyes locked on to his. That was just another reason that Dan had to believe that Lucas had a lot invested here and now.
"Excuse me?" He hadn't expected to be hit with such an emotional question.
"You said that Keith can give me everything that you can't. Does that include being a father?"
Lucas then looked away from Dan and out the windshield. A part of him didn't want to hear the answer to that question. If the answer said that he didn't want to be the father that Lucas wanted, Lucas knew that he would give up on Dan, he would pack his own bags and drive himself to the airport to go to California.
"I haven't been the best father to you. You are the best person to attest to that. Why do you want me to be your father so bad when the only thing that I have done is hurt you?"
Dan looked over at his son who was still looking out the window, now processing what his father had said. He noticed that the boy's face was getting paler and his eyes were starting to droop.
"Why don't you want to be my father?" Lucas didn't care if he sounded like a kicked puppy, or if Dan saw how vulnerable he was. As long as he found out what was wrong with him that Dan couldn't be his father.
"I do want to be your father Lucas. But I also want you to have the best life that you can." Dan was getting slightly tired of being grilled by Lucas. He was just as exhausted as Lucas was. But the only difference was that Lucas seemed like he could continue this conversation until he got the answers that he was looking for. Now if Dan could only figure out what that was.
"But why does the best life have to be in California. Why can't I have that here?" There was the child-like undertone again. That was a good question, Dan had to admit. His only answer was one that Lucas wouldn't like. He didn't want to give the answer, but once he turned his eyes and caught a glimpse of Lucas's cobalt eyes, he knew that lying would be even worse.
"Because Lucas, no matter how much I want to be your father, and how much you want me to be your father, I don't know if I can handle being that for you. You need so much from me, and I really want to give it to you, but I can't be this illusion of a perfect father to you."
Dan felt the guilt seem to creep through his skin when he saw the discouragement playing in Lucas's eyes. The boy never even tried to hide it.
When Lucas gave no rebuttal to his father's statement, Dan figured that it was time to go home. Lucas was exhausted, he was exhausted. Pulling out of the parking lot, Dan drove towards the Scott home, eager to be home and sleep, and also eager to get Lucas's discouraged eyes out of his head.
Lucas tried his hardest not to let Dan have the best of him, he really did, but it was hard. Just when Dan would say something that made him think that his father understood his need for his Dad, Dan would say something else that made Lucas realize that his father knew nothing about him.
It hurt though, his father saying that no matter how much Lucas wanted his Dad, that Dan couldn't be that for him. The thing that Dan said that bothered him the most was the notion that Lucas wanted a perfect father.
Could Dan be any more clueless about his son?
Nearly ten heavily silenced minutes, Dan pulled his car into the garage and turned off the ignition. Lucas didn't bolt from the car as fast as his weakened body could carry him as Dan had expected him to do. Instead, he unbuckled his seatbelt and sat, looking as if he had something that he wanted to get off of his chest.
"I never asked for you to be perfect. I just wanted you to be my Dad."
Not giving a chance for Dan to give a reply, Lucas weakly got out of the car, leaving his father to ponder what he said.
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ESPN highlights lit up the television in Nathan Scott's room. As usual on Saturday mornings, he watched the best plays from the night before, a box of cereal for breakfast, and staying in his pajamas until his mother yelled at him to get dressed.
Unlike most teenagers his age, Nathan had terrible time sleeping in until noon or later. Since he was young, waking up early for basketball training or running had been ingrained in him. This habit never left him, even to this day.
Just as the top ten plays of the previous night began flashing across the screen, he heard a slight commotion from outside of his room.
Knowing that his brother was supposed to be getting out of the hospital this morning, he got out of his bed and went to his door, eager to see Lucas.
Even if Lucas and his relationship was quite strained, he wanted to reconcile with his brother again. He really just missed having his brother to hang out with or to go play basketball with. But no matter how much he tried to deny it, his view of Lucas had changed drastically since everyone had returned from vacation.
Hearing that his brother had been abusing his anti-depressants had been stunning news to Nathan. He had known since Lucas moved in that his brother was unhappy, in fact, Lucas had let just about everyone he met know that he was unhappy. But he had never even thought that his brother would go so far as to abuse prescription drugs.
"No, maybe he needs an extra large dose of Prozac."
"I just don't see why you and mom are making this so hard on yourselves, why don'y you just get him some Prozac and shove it down his throat, it might make this situation 10 times easier."
Guilt flooded through Nathan as he remembered his words when he had been fourteen. He had been such a selfish fourteen year-old, suggesting to his parents that Lucas need anti-depressants. Looking back, he couldn't believe that he did that to Lucas, who was suffering more than he could even imagine. He hadn't been overly surprised when Dan had gotten Lucas the pills, after all, the man had asked for days how he could deal with raising his fourteen year-old son without actually having to raise him.
Was Lucas so miserable and desperate growing up in this house that he preferred to live in a drug induced world rather than a real world?
From his doorway, he saw Lucas ascending the staircase with little ease. He looked uncoordinated in his movements, sometimes putting out a hand on the railing for balance. Behind him was Deb, who had a deterred look about her.
Nathan could tell that Lucas was refusing any sort of help from anyone. He wasn't surprised that Lucas didn't accept help though even if he had gotten out of the hospital barely an hour before. Nathan had once heard Dan say that if there was anyone more hard headed than his second son, it was his first son.
"Lucas, if you need anything, just ask." Deb sat a glass of water down on Lucas's night stand as the boy literally crawled into his bed. Handing him the doctor's prescribed anti-biotic, she lingered, waiting until he took it. She wanted to make sure that he took his pills the way that they were prescribed after his history of Zoloft.
"Are you or have you ever abused prescription drugs?If yes, please explain.YES / NO
Deb had marked no on that question for Lucas when she had been filling out his medical forms for him to be admitted to the hospital. She knew that her and Dan would be questioned endlessly on the answer to that question, and that Lucas's treatment would vary greatly if they had known about his abuse of Zoloft.
"What? You don't trust me?" There was a trace of mock hurt feelings and malice in his tone. Smirking, he took the pill with a swig of the water. When Deb saw his throat convulse and swallow, she was satisfied. Leaving the room, she went to go continue cleaning Nathan's mountain of dirty clothes.
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Lucas laid under his blankets, not wanting to deal with the mountain of books and folders that sat on the floor next to his bed. He would almost rather talk to his father than open up those text books and face all of the work that he had to make up from vacation and sick time.
He really hadn't been to school in a long time, and he was sure that his teachers wouldn't be too happy with him once he came back.
Hearing a presence enter his room, Lucas wanted to groan. Didn't Dan understand that he just didn't want to talk right now? Not after the embarrassment that he felt from telling his father what he had. The last thing that he wanted was to hear from Dan that the man was going to send him to live with Keith after all the feelings had been let out into the open.
Turning over, he got ready to mouth off to his father, but when he saw his brother, he could genuinely say that he was surprised.
"Hey Luke, um, how are you feeling?" Nathan stood at his brother's doorway awkwardly, hoping to be able to talk to him. He saw the how startled that Lucas looked when he saw him in the doorway.
Lucas gave a non-committal grunt to answer Nathan. The response wasn't a complete put-off, but it wasn't a greeting of open arms either.
Lucas would admit, he missed his brother. Things hadn't been this awkward between them since the brothers had been fifteen and they were just beginning to get along and accept each other. But in the end, just like everyone else, Nathan hadn't told him what he knew about California. The brothers had even slept in the same bed and had conversations, and Nathan still hadn't told him. That hurt.
But even if Lucas wanted to be bitter to Nathan, he couldn't stay that way for long. He was beginning to get lonely. Normally he had the companionship of his brother and his best friend, but lately, without being able to speak to someone with a nice personality, he was growing tired.
"I'm fine." Nathan noticed once again that Lucas wasn't committing himself to either a nice or a mean response. That meant that Lucas was just as unsure about this confrontation as he was.
Lucas then sat up in his bed, showing that he was willing to talk for awhile. He wasn't going be completely obvious and out right talk to his brother though. Nathan still had some making up to do.
Never having been one to beat around the bush, Nathan jumped right into the heavy questions that he had for his brother. He really didn't even care if Lucas threw him out of his room because he was angry. There were just some things that as a brother, he needed to know.
"Why did you take so much Zoloft Lucas?"
The inquiry hit Lucas so hard that he felt nearly paralyzed. How in the world did Nathan know about his addiction to Zoloft? Maybe he could play this off, tell his brother that he didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
"I don't know what you're talking about..." Lucas let out a nervous chuckle. He knew that Nathan would never believe it.
Nathan stood in front of Lucas's bed and crossed his arms. He wouldn't let Lucas bark at him to leave him alone like he had been the last week. The only reason that he had listened to Lucas and left him alone during that time because he had known that he hurt his brother, and he wanted to respect those wishes. Things were different now.
"Really, you don't? Then why was Dan yelling at you about overdosing on Zoloft, and why did you steal all of those pills from the hospital?"
Lucas didn't want to have this conversation. In the past few minutes, his body seemed to have pulled the plug on all of his energy and was telling him to rest. But of course, he couldn't because Nathan seemed set on having this conversation.
"Oh, so now your being truthful. Where was that when you knew that Dan was getting rid of me? Do you want Daddy all to yourself? Well you can have him, apparently he can't even handle being my father." Lucas wanted to talk about anything but his weakness for a pill, or rather, ten pills at once.
Nathan pitied his brother when he heard Lucas's disappointment, paired with coughs that seemed to bring up mucus with them. It made him wonder what had transpired between Lucas and his father to make Lucas say that Dan couldn't handle it.
"Lucas, that is not even the point of a conversation. I asked you why you took all that Zoloft." That was the moment that Lucas realized that Nathan was not about to be derailed from what he came here to talk about. If the subject of their father didn't throw him off, then nothing would.
"Nathan, Dan gave me those pills when I was fourteen. He didn't try to help me grieve, or get me real help. When he gave me my first prescription, I felt like he was just sweeping me under the rug because he didn't want to deal. To have that knowledge when you are fourteen and your mother just committed suicide, sucks. There is just no other word for it. "
Lucas saw that Nathan wanted to speak when he broke off his sentence. He knew that he wouldn't be able to continue though if Nathan continued speaking. Raising his hand with a pleading look on his face, Lucas began speaking today.
"For the first year that I took Zoloft, it really messed with my chemistry. For a month my body would have these shakes, I couldn't sleep, and sometimes I was even nauseous. The side-effects sucked, and the pills didn't take away any depression either."
"I guess you could say that I was a good boy for the first year and a half about taking my pills. I took them as directed, and kept waiting for them to magically make me an optimist. And then when I turned sixteen, as you know, Dan started becoming really bad. Every single day, he would find some way to make me feel like shit."
"One night, I remember taking more than one pill. Two pills made me feel better than one, so naturally, three pills made me feel better than two. Every night for about two weeks, I would take one more pill than I had the night before. Instead of three, I would take four. Then five. They made me feel better and better, and finally, I began feeling nothing when I took the pills. That was the best."
Lucas paused, reflecting on how horrible he used to feel before taking the pills. He remembered emotional pain that would make him gasp for air because it was so bad.
"Then it dawned on me. I had something that took away the pain of what Dan did. And Dan and Deb were giving it to me whenever I asked, because apparently I wouldn't cause any trouble if kept feeding me the happy pill." An extraordinarily painful cough stopped Lucas for a few moments. The burning pain in his chest made his eyes water.
"After that, my habit continued. I was at the point of taking about four to five pills a day to make sure that I felt nothing. Not even Brooke knew what I was doing. Then one night, Dan and I had this huge fight about the last fifteen years. The usual words were exchanged and to end the conversation, Dan had cuffed me in the back of the head so hard that I almost blacked out."
"That night I took ten pills. That was my favorite feeling."
Nathan couldn't think of anything to say. He could tell Lucas that he could have gone to him for help, but Nathan knew that was crap. He had bullied his brother since the pair had started school, and he ignored Lucas when he had moved in. Nathan then realized that he had never given his brother all that welcoming of an impression.
"Does that answer your question?" Lucas finally looked up from his blankets and into his brother's identical eyes.
"I'm sorry Luke." That was all Nathan could muster. Hearing Lucas's confession made him realize just how many times that he had wronged Lucas, and how many times that he wasn't there, and Lucas felt the need to swallow numerous anti-depressants to be able to feel nothing.
Seeing the questioning expression on Lucas's face, Nathan clarified.
"I shouldn't have kept what I knew about Dan and Keith from you. But if it helps, I didn't know for very long. Peyton had just told me, and then you and Dan came home and had your fight. And I'm sorry that I wasn't your brother when you needed it. I was selfish."
When Lucas didn't answer for a few moments, Nathan got kind of nervous. He wondered if Lucas still hadn't forgiven him for everything. He knew that Lucas had a right to blow him off, and he wouldn't feel all that unjust if Lucas did.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Lucas let his pensive frown turn upward.
"Don't worry about it little brother."
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Two days passed in a haze to Lucas. Interaction around the house wasn't as awkward because of his reconciliation with Nathan. Forgiving his brother had felt good. He had known that Nathan and Peyton hadn't really held any of the real blame for his pain, but he just needed a let out for his rage toward Dan and Brooke.
Brooke...he felt as if he hadn't thought about her in forever. But when her gorgeous face and her cute little dimples, a searing knife of betrayal singed his heart.
The only memories that he could conjure were of her teasing him and rejecting him once again for being together, and him being a complete jerk and letting his Scott temper take over. And of course, her betraying him and keeping what she knew about California to herself.
He really missed her presence as his best friend. Not having anyone to confide in about anything while he laid in bed all day in pain wasn't all that fun.
So far, the doctor had been a big liar. He had said that in the next few days, he would begin to feel better, his cough would recede, and his chest wouldn't feel like it was on fire. Liar.
The only thing that had gotten better was his chills. Instead of being huddled under his blankets and shivering, he was able to get out of his bed and move around without rushing to get back under the covers.
During those two days, Dan hadn't come in and talked to him after he had said that he didn't want perfection, just a Dad. At this point, Lucas figured that this was Dan's way of saying that he couldn't get what he wanted, without having to tell him to his face.
He guessed that nothing really had changed between him and his father. Dan still didn't want to take responsibility because he didn't think that he could handle fathering his first born. This thought crushed something in Lucas.
Now instead of wondering why he was so easy to get rid of, he was wondering what was so wrong and repulsive about him that Dan couldn't handle fathering him. Lucas had a feeling that he would never get the answer to that question from his father, Dan probably couldn't handle answering as much as he couldn't handle fathering his illegitimate son.
But Lucas's hope for answers from his father still hung from a spindle fiber. Time was running out for that hope.
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Dan was painfully aware of how time was running out for him and Lucas. In two short days, Lucas held a plane ticket to California.
There were so many things that he wanted to say to Lucas before the boy left. He wanted to clear the air after their conversation where Dan tried to explain why Lucas had to live with his uncle. No words have even come to mind that qualified as a reasonable rebuttal to Lucas that would explain to the boy that he couldn't be his father that way.
He felt like such a hypocrite to his son. Merely a week before he had held Lucas on the ground and convinced the boy that he was his father and he had better get used to it. Now he was avoiding his fatherly responsibilities and telling the boy that he couldn't handle him.
Those mixed messages must be killing Lucas. One day his father wants him, the next he's ready to send him across the country to live.
How could he ever fix this for his son in two days? Was it even worth it to try to fix things if the boy was just going to leave for California?
His choice was to never try to make things right, let Lucas go to California and possibly lose his son. Or he could work his ass off in the next two days and try to redeem himself in his son's eyes, then send him off to California and still lose him.
Dan just wasn't sure that his heart could take reconciling with his son and having things be okay with his, just to have him leave.
Little did he know that in a few short minutes, he would have to make his decision. And he wasn't prepared to make the decision that would be best for his son.
"Dad"
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Lucas made the trek down into the living room where he knew that his father was watching one of the many basketball games that were on T.V. He was correct in the fact that Dan was sitting in his chair, and basketball played across the T.V.
But Dan's eyes weren't even directed toward the screen. They were directed to a picture frame that Dan held in his hands.
"Dad" His hoarse voice alerted his presence to his father, who was so engrossed in whatever picture he was looking at that he didn't notice his first born standing only a few feet away from him.
Dan finally looked up from the picture, one of the sparse few that he had gotten to take of the boy without him noticing. This one was of Lucas after a basketball game. He had played an exceptional game and had a rare smile plastered to his face. He remembered himself quickly trying to capture the photo on his digital camera without Lucas noticing.
"Yes Luke?" Dan instantly cringed when he heard the frigidness of his voice. Here was his son, coming to him, probably to put himself out there, and he couldn't even manage a warm tone.
"Can I talk to you?"
Dan noted the nerves that permeated off of Lucas. He could feel the tension flow off in waves. That assured him that whatever Lucas was here to talk about, it would be a wrenching topic for both father and son.
"What do you need?" Dan wasn't sure how to approach Lucas in this conversation. He was at a cross road where he was required to make his decision. Fix it, or don't fix it.
"I have a question." Lucas said as he sat down. He really didn't want to just ask Dan this large of a magnitude of a question automatically. There had to be some prompting first.
"Okay Lucas" Part of Dan wanted to tell his son to just spit it out. But that would make the boy crawl back into his tough shell, and he would probably never get the chance to hear what his son was about to say.
"Well, uh, you said the other day that you couldn't handle being my father." Lucas spoke slow and calculated, carefully choosing his words so there would be no chance for Dan to misinterperet.
As much as Dan wanted to deny those words that he regretted, he couldn't do it. There was a truth to the words, a cold, hurtful truth.
"Yes I did."
"I was wondering if you could tell me before I go what it is about me that you can't handle being my father." It was out now and there was no going back. Dan had his hopes in his palm right now, and he could either clench his fist and throw them to the ground, or he could embrace them and soothe his son.
"Lucas, there's nothing wrong with you that I can't handle. It's something with me that I can't..." In the middle of trying to explain to Lucas, he was cut off.
"No! I don't want to hear that it is something about you, because obviously it's not. There had to be something wrong with me to make you act toward me like you did. What is it? Is it because I'm blonde? Karen's son? Does my personality suck?" Dan could tell that Lucas was beginning to grow heated. He knew because they both had the same Scott temper.
"Lucas! None of that matters. Yes, you're blonde, you got that from my Mother. Yes, you're Karen's son, remember that I loved your mother. And your personality is just fine."
"Then why did you treat me like dirt?" The anger was lost in that statement, which was slightly relieving to Dan. They would get nowhere if Lucas's temper was boiling.
"I was intimidated by fathering you Lucas. I had a peaceful family life with a son and a wife. Then I hear your mother killed herself, and there you were. A fourteen year-old that I knew nothing about, and suddenly, I was the anchor of your life. I had no idea how to handle that."
Dan was trying to appeal to his son to keep him calm, but at the same time, he couldn't lie to him. That would piss Lucas off more than any hurtful answer.
"You gave me Zoloft to take care of me." The anger was back.
"I know that Lucas, that was a mistake on my part." Dan began to feel like he was being attacked by Lucas. The boy's tone was vicious and convicting.
"You hit me." Those words came out in more of a growl than real words.
Dan would not sit and be attacked by his son. Yes, he had wronged his son, but Dan was never someone that got attacked without giving back some sort of backlash. Royal Scott had taught him that.
"I can't fix everything that I did to you Lucas. I know that I could sit here and listen to you yell about everytime that I have wronged you, but I won't because that won't change anything. I don't have it in me to fix you Lucas!" Dan raised his voice at his son, effectively intimidating the boy.
When he saw Lucas's throat seem to swallow a large lump, he knew that he had made a big mistake.
Lucas just nodded at his father, almost as if he understood that his father was giving up on him. After that pause of speechlesness from Lucas, the boy walked out of the room.
As he watched his son walk out of the living room, Dan cursed and swiped a magazine to the floor. He had just screwed himself over even more. If he had worried about things with Lucas before, now he had ten times more to worry about.
Instead of a civil relationship with two days to fix, now he had a day and a teenager that probably hated his guts. But what he had said to Lucas was true. He didn't think that he could fix the boy.
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Hey guys, I'm not sure if I'm completely satisfied with this chapter. It felt like I was just writing a bunch of dialogue and nothing really happened. Don't worry though, many things will happen in the next chapter. For the brotherly conversation fans, I hope you enjoyed it, and don't worry, there will be more. And I'm sorry to the Brucas fans, but don't worry, you will get some Brucas action soon. This story is beginning to go into a major mode change, but it might not be what you think...I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter and I would love for you to review. All the reviews that I get make my day. Thanks so much for reading. Love Broody