Despite her iron clad resolve to not let what Bunny had said and done get to her; she'd found herself in a restless state of non-sleep all night, wrestling with the impact of her mother's words. She didn't want to obsess over this. She didn't even want to assign merit to Bunny's claims because she knew that they had only been staked to get to her. But still, she found her mind wondering what part of what she'd said was true, if any of it.
Jay had felt her agitated attempts to fall asleep as well and though he'd managed to sneak in a few hours of his own, he was acutely aware of how uneasy she was. He was dying to confront Hank about what Bunny had said…. it would answer a lot of questions for him as well, but he knew it wasn't his place to go behind her back. But as he watched her, listlessly rolling onto her side for the millionth time, he knew he had to do something. Their alarm would go off in just over an hour and he was almost positive her eyes hadn't managed to close even once since they'd lain down. "Baby…" He groaned into the pillow, "I love you more than life but… the constant tossing and turning it's killing me…. you haven't gotten any sleep… how can I help you…"
"I'm so sorry…" She bit her lip, she hadn't even considered how much her exaggerated sighing and constant flip-flopping would impact his own sleep and it wasn't her intention to drag him down with her.
"No—that's not what I was looking for… I'm being serious…. how can I help you?" He asked again, his tone more gentle and less annoyed now.
"I don't know…" She began with a frustrated sigh. "I… I don't want to think or worry about it but… I can't…stop… it's all I can think about…" She rolled from her back to her side so she could look at him better. "She always knows how to get to me… even when I try so hard not to let her…. I thought I was really strong this time…"
"You were strong… you are strong… but babe…. it's normal to be curious and to want answers…. it's not just you letting her get to you…. it's you… needing to know if this is the answer to a question you've asked for years. A question you've been given a false answer to more than once…. if you weren't obsessing over this… that might actually make me worry more…" He brought his hand up to lay over her waist and he scooted her closer to him, hoping that the safety his arms; which always made her feel safe, would bring her at least some momentary relief.
"But…. part of me…. a big part of me…. I believe her…. even though I know how she is and I know her track record…. it just seems….. and then I feel bad because that means I'm doubting Hank's loyalty and honesty to me and…. that man can be a royal pain in the ass but…. he's usually upfront with me about the stuff that really matters…. I'd like to believe that if he thought there was a chance he was my biological father he would've found out…. or at least…." She sighed. "I mean… that would change things between us… if he's known all along…. how can I…." She shook her head. She wasn't sure if she could forgive him or Bunny if they'd knowingly kept this concealed all these years. Then, where would that leave her? She shuddered at the thought. "Fuck… she won…. I'm going to lose it…. and I'm going to ruin things and…."
"Shhh…." He soothed. "No, you won't… you can't ruin this…. I promise." He dropped his lips to capture her own. "I can talk to Hank with you… or alone…. or we can ignore this and pretend it didn't happen but…. just tell me how I can help you and I'll do it… I just can't sit here and watch you in all this pain…. it hurts me…."
He knew that last line would help her to figure out what to do. Erin was really good at letting herself hurt and endure tortures that she didn't deserve. But she couldn't stand watching him in pain. Maybe it was selfish, but he'd use any motivation possible to pull her out of this. "I don't know what I want…." She sighed. That was the problem. Confronting Hank could wind up opening a can of worms that she wasn't prepared for. But sitting here, not knowing, it was eating away at her and the more she thought about it, the more confused and hurt she'd grown. She wasn't sure which would wind up being worse in the end. "Actually, I do know… what I want is for Bunny to have never said any of that…" But obviously, that was an impossible option.
Jay offered her a weak smile, "What you need is some rest… a clear head would do you some good…" His words would be accompanied by a yawn that would punctuate his own tiredness. It would make her even more aware of how tired she was herself, and work was looming over them both.
"We need to stop making habits of having heart to hearts at ungodly hours…" She knew there was no way she'd get to sleep, "You should sleep… I should go to the couch so I stop bothering you…"
"Less of a chance I'll fall asleep with you so far away… c'mere…. let me rub your back…" He offered gently and after she'd rolled onto her stomach; his fingers would move to trace lazy patterns on her spine, pushing up the thin fabric of her shirt so he could touch her warm skin. Each place he touched would be left with a slight tingle. It was impossible for her not to find comfort in his motions and much to her surprise, her eyes would close and she'd find herself drifting off finally. She'd only get about twenty minutes of rest before her alarm was meant to go off, but Jay had kidnapped her phone after she'd fallen asleep and he'd shut the alarm off. She needed to rest and there was something he needed to do as well. He kissed her forehead gently before moving as slowly and quietly as he could to get out of bed.
He hadn't fully thought out the plan he was already executing as he walked into the kitchen, her phone raised to his ear. There was sternness to his voice when he spoke into the phone's receiver. "It's Jay. We need to talk…. where can we meet?"
He'd left a note for her and set it on top of her phone, which he'd placed back on the charger for her now that he was done. He'd set a new alarm, set to go off an hour and a half later. It wasn't much sleep, but it was more than she'd get otherwise. The note simply read: Taking care of something before work. You needed sleep, don't be mad. You're only an hour late and I texted Voight to let him know. We're getting married in two days, things come up, he understands. Love you.
After getting into his car; he had called Voight, and despite the fact that he'd been tempted to just ask him outright if there was any truth to the claims Bunny had made, he refrained. He'd provided his boss with only a half truth as he spoke to him on the phone as he drove to a coffee shop on the east side. "Bunny came over last night…. she was pissed at Erin for not inviting her to the wedding… they had it out. She'd kill me for saying anything Sarge, so please… just say I told you it was a wedding emergency…. I…. I'm on my way to handle it now…" Hank would concede his understanding and offer his appreciation to Jay for keeping him informed.
He would make two more phone calls and one quick stop on his way. With all loose ends tied up, he could do what he'd set out to do. Precisely eighteen minutes and fifteen seconds after leaving their apartment, he was pulling up to the meeting place she'd requested; a small coffee shop aptly named 'Drip.'
Jay had kept his mouth shut for the most part last night as he watched the vile excuse for a woman he was about to meet launch her latest verbal attack on his future wife. But he was done being silent now.
He'd half expected her not to agree to meet and like most of his plans as of late; he hadn't exactly thought this one through to the point of execution. So as he arrived there and found a spot, he'd find himself waiting impatiently for the older woman as he paced nervously in front of the coffee shop. He'd considered going in to order them coffees- he could only assume Bunny took hers black; like her heart. But he decided it was better to just wait for her outside; so he had. Of course she was late; it seemed only natural she would be.
His hands were shoved into his pockets as she approached him on the sidewalk and in spite of his feelings for her; he greeted her kindly. "Hello, Bunny." He offered gently; moving to open the door for her to go inside.
"Jay," She'd remark; nodding her head slightly in acknowledgment as she walked inside the dark, dank, hole in the wall coffee shop.
They stepped into the line silently together and he paid for her coffee; which he was amused to find she did in fact take black. After taking care of those initial formalities, they'd ambled over to a booth in the back corner and after taking a few long sip of from their sleeved styfrofoam cups; Bunny was speaking. "So, she's sent you to do her bidding?" Her tone was dry.
"Actually, she has no idea I'm here. I came on my own accord…" He cleared his throat.
"Oh… I see… so this is your big grand gesture to rescue her from me and gain favor-"
Jay cut her off. "I don't need grand gestures Bunny…. that's…. that's not what this is about. I came here to talk to you as your daughter's fiancé and someone who loves her. I have some questions for you and, I'd appreciate it if we could keep this civil…"
"I know she's told you lots of terrible stories about me…. but…. I've got some real doozies about her too you know…"
Jay would sigh again. "That's not the point… Bunny, please. Don't go there, okay? Erin is the first one to defend you, to me, to Hank; to anyone. Can you give her a little credit here? What you said last night…. it really affected her and she needs to know the truth and this isn't something she should have to ask Hank… and it certainly wasn't something she should have heard about for the first time as it was shouted in her face by you when you were drunk and angry and it was after midnight…. now I have heard you more than once defend how close you and Erin were and how hard you worked for her when she was a kid… well now's the time to prove that Bunny…. with all do respect, if you loved her as much as you claim to… you wouldn't have done what you did – not in that way…." He was surprised she'd let him get through that whole little speech without interrupting him as he'd done to her. But it seemed as though the words were sinking in and she looked down at her coffee and he could feel some shame radiating off of her. Maybe she did have a heart. "You owe it to her to make it right…. she shouldn't have this looming over her…. you know that…."
Bunny sighed and took another long sip of her coffee. "I'm not a bad person." She defended herself.
"No one is saying—"
She would cut him off this time. "I'm a good person who makes terrible choices. Especially when I've been drinking...I can admit that but… she isn't always innocent. She is really good at playing the victim… something tells me you know that though…" She shrugged. "Yeah, okay, I was a bitch…. BUT… I'm her mother I should be at her fucking wedding… "
"You don't think some big part of her does wish that you were the kind of mother she could invite?" There was more edge to his voice now. "But look at you… look at what you do to her when you're mad or hurt…. you come in and you rock her world and you jumble it all up and you don't care what it does to her…. so can you blame her for wanting to keep this one special day from having a chance of that happening?"
His words would affect her more than she wanted to admit. "Well… I…." She was at a loss for how to defend herself.
"You can make this right, Bunny. And I think deep down you know that is the very least of what you owe her for all you've put her through… and I don't just mean last night…." He meant for the things Erin had told him about and also the ones she'd probably never speak of. He meant for the words Bunny had said and the ones she should have that remained unspoken. He meant for all the times she'd used her up until she had nothing left to give; yet still came back for more. "She loves you; in spite of all of it…. and…. I have to tell you I don't get how she does but… she leaves room for you in her heart… if you only knew half of what…" He stopped himself. Those weren't his secrets to share.
"You love her." Bunny lamented, and though it may have sounded more like a question than a statement; she'd said it matter-of-factly. "One look at you shirtless the other night and I figured she was in it for the sex but…." She shrugged. "Seems like you have something…. real."
"It's very real." Jay would remark back, staring into her eyes as if to prove his point. "And that's why I'm here… and… that's why I need to get these answers for her because… she is really happy right now and she deserves that… you know she does. On some level…. that has to be what you want for her…" He'd swallow the lump in his throat and it was his turn to cast his eyes down towards his drink as he waited.
"Hank and I did sleep together…. but…. we were safe and it…. listen there is a very small, small off chance that maybe it was Hank but…. I doubt it was. She gets her looks from me, you know. I was… a busy woman in my hay day… and not many of my suitors were as careful as Hank… but then… when a man is married and he sleeps with you…." She shrugged her shoulders, but he could tell it was an act. "Erin and I hurt each other… it's our… love language. She's a big girl; she can handle it. She always has…. besides…." Her eyes were boring so hard into him that he was forced to lift his gaze to meet them, if only to end the discomfort he felt. "Hank knew…. he isn't innocent. I think part of him always thought maybe… he bailed us out more than enough times when Erin was a kid… and it wasn't because I was some regular booty call or loyalty to me… he loved her… from the very beginning they had this connection and…" That was all Bunny would be willing to offer on the sentimental front. "And he used that to worm his way in and poison her against me all so he could be her savior…. and you know, for as brave as she acts…. she needs a lot of saving. There's no church confessional big enough to hold all her sins. No drug that can make all her memories go away… believe me, she tried most of them…"
"That's enough." His voice would be firm again and he gave her a warning look. "Did you and Hank ever discuss this possibility?"
"No, he was never man enough to bring it up and I had other things going on…." She shrugged. "He had his family, he didn't need us… until she was 15… and she started to look more like a woman and then suddenly he's interested in her coming to live with him? She ever tell you the story of the time he caught her soliciting outside of club…. it was right before she went to live with him… she was looking to score some H. She had a fake ID, some red lipstick, and a push up bra that said she was 18 though… he rolled up on her in unmarked car…. cracked the window just enough to hear her offer him a—"
"Stop! Just stop… this desperation doesn't look good on you. Is this story supposed to scare me away? Make me love her less? Make me think she's a slut? You think I don't know how was the first one to turn her out? Teach her how to use her body to get what she wanted? To get you what you wanted? To get her the approval from you she craved?" His eyes were alit with rage and he was aware now of how loud his voice had gotten as the disgust consumed him at Bunny's pathetic attempt to inflict more damage. He knew that Erin had confessed things he'd just brought up in that letter that were meant for only him but dammit Bunny deserved to have her own sins shoved down her throat for a change instead of always being the one doing the shoving.
He rose from his chair and gathered his coffee and the one he'd gotten for Erin and turned back towards her one more time before he would storm out of there, leaving her unable to get in the last word. "How you could possibly have had anything to do with creating her is beyond my comprehension. She is nothing like you; remember that. And you had nothing to do with the incredible person she has become and all she has made for herself. Hank doesn't get that credit either. It was her… on her own. Remember that." Then he shifted the coffees into one hand and reached into his back pocket to produce an envelope that he'd set in front of her.
"Hank paid off Jimmy and he gave you conditions. I'm guessing he believes that you honored them… so you are going to now. You are going to call your friend Vanessa and tell her you're coming to Indianapolis. My good friend Officer Kevin Atwater is going to pick you up at this exact location at 7:45 PM tonight. He'll show you his badge to prove it's him. Big black dude; hard to miss. There is $300 in that envelope. You meet Kevin and he watches you board the bus; he gives you another $500, from me. That should help you figure things out while you couch surf with Vanessa, maybe get a hotel a few nights… and then… you are going to stop calling her and you're going to leave her alone. If you fail to do any of these things, then I let Hank know that you're still here and how he handles that information, well…. that will be up to him. I hear the Silos are a great place for a quiet conversation…." And with that, he would leave, seething.
His knuckles and his vision would each be spotted white with rage as he drove to the district. The adrenaline that coursed through him made it nearly impossible to calm down but he knew he had to, for her sake. He'd take a few more moments to collect himself in the car once he'd arrived at the district.
But, as soon as he'd made it upstairs, and his eyes had met hers, he'd been made. She nodded her head towards the break room telling him to meet her there. "You saw Bunny…" She said, eyes wide, taking in the coffee cups in his hand. "Drip was…." She rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter. But, she knew you'd get me a coffee and that I'd see that cup…" She rolled her eyes. Her mother was unbelievable. "What happened?" She asked, crossing her arms.
"We spoke… she admitted what she said was out of anger and after she described how she…. carried herself at that time, I'd say there is a good chance that there is no way he really is. She knew it would get to you…. she…. she is pretty masterful at finding what to say to get under people's skin… I'll give her that…" He shuddered as he'd recalled some of their conversation. "But, I handled it. She's going to see Vanessa finally… and she's really excited to stay there for a while and get a fresh start. Let's just… leave it at that, okay?"
Erin would study him carefully and for some reason, she wasn't mad to know he'd gone to see her mother behind her back. Surviving a one-on-one with Bunny should earn you a badge. The fact that he'd willingly subjected himself to that, for her sake, wasn't lost on her. Her heart swelled slightly. "I want to be mad," She admitted. "But… I just really fucking love you." She moved to hug him tenderly and then, she'd whisper into the fabric of his black t-shirt. "Thank you…"