Kissing Words and White Fabric

Edward

The white chairs face the barn. I stand next to the officiant in my tux as our guests laugh and chatter. I watch them. A handful of family and friends. Some colleagues of my father's. Weddings are strangely public, considering they represent such a personal commitment.

I didn't think I would be nervous. But here I am, standing in the dry grass, reminding myself not to lock my knees in fear that I might pass out. My pulse is racing and my hands don't know what to do with themselves. Nervous and fidgeting, I'm tempted to shove them in my pockets. I don't. They're probably sewn shut anyway.

I'm not sure if I feel calmer or more tightly strung after seeing Bella. I couldn't stay away. Not after reading the letter from my mother.

I've never been this nervous. For anything. And not because I'm afraid. But because I don't know how to be. I don't know how to have everything I've always wanted. Almost everything. I now want things that I didn't know about before. I suppose that's the story of getting older. Growing up.

The sky is nearly clear. But I would stand here in the rain and do so gladly.

I would appreciate the sound of the rain and the feel of the sun on my skin.

My mother's voice—her words—echo in my mind when I need them the most. And I hope that I will not feel the need to go back and live my life one more time. I hope that this lifetime will be enough.

I can still remember the timbre of her voice. Her laugh. Her scolding voice. Her smiling voice. Her dying voice. I thought I would forget. I thought she would slowly fade away. Or disappear.

There are entire days that pass when I don't think of her. And it's okay. It's what she would have wanted. Because when I look at my life, when I really look, she is everywhere. And my children will know her. And they will have the best parts of her.

I replay the words in my mind. The ones from her letter. The ones she wrote to me ten years ago. The ones that have been sitting closed up in an envelope until today. The words she wrote as she tried to imagine the man I would become. And the woman who would be my wife.

If she only knew.

I replay the words, and maybe she does know.

Do not expect her to read your mind, but do your very best to read hers.

Her smiling voice.

Do not leave your shoes at the foot of the stairs. Trust me on this one, son.

Her scolding voice.

Be the kind of man that loves his family more than his job. Be the kind of husband and the kind of father that I know you can be.

Her dying voice.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I see you. I see the man you have become and I am so proud to call you my son. Know that I would call her my daughter if I was there with you on this day.

Alice winks at me from her seat in the front row. Her own wedding seems so long ago. It has only been a year and a half. But it seems so impossibly long ago. Or maybe it was Bella and I that were the impossible ones.

As our guests stand up and turn to the aisle, I forget to breathe.

And it's almost funny. Our wedding is funny. I want to laugh. Because ring on the floor, she said no. Because I bought a different ring for a different girl. And I could have an entirely different life right now. A lying life. An if I could go back and live it one more time life.

And I've never been more grateful that I trusted my gut. That I didn't settle. Because it wouldn't have been fair to anyone involved.

And this place, our barn, would be sitting here abandoned. Haunted by the ghosts of what was and what could have been.

I don't want to think about that life ever again. This will be the last time. And so I let it go.

Because Bella stole the ring from my pocket. She is going to be my wife even though I thought I had lost her forever. For the longest time, I thought she was mine. And then one day, I knew she wasn't. I knew that she was never mine to begin with. I want to laugh at the things I used to know.

And then I see her. And I no longer want to laugh.

I just want.

And all I can think is how beautiful she is. And I couldn't look away if I tried. As I take in her face, her eyes are already boring into mine. My eyes lock with hers as she walks. Her head held high, she is smiling. And brave. And blushing. And the mother of my child. And Bella. And so fucking beautiful.

And I wish the aisle wasn't so long.

Each step she takes is too slow. And I'm so tempted to meet her halfway, I have to tell my own feet to be still. To stay put.

For what seems like an eternity.

Until she is standing in front of me. Finally.

Dad kisses her hand and holds it out to me. And it's the first time I even realize he is there next to her. That he has been there the whole time.

And not just today.

Everything is blurry. Except for her face. Her smiling, perfect face. And she can't believe it either. That we're here.

With her hands in mine, I remind myself not to squeeze too tight.

The officiant's voice is gentle, yet booming. "The bride and groom have requested that we take a moment to remember those family members who are no longer with us on this earth, but are here in spirit."

I don't close my eyes. I can't. Her eyes hold me here. And she is looking at me the way that I always wanted her to. For all of those years. She is looking at me like I'm the only man on earth.

It is only the two of us, standing here in front of our barn.

The two of us will soon be a fond memory. As we become parents. But right now, in this moment, it is only her and me.

The moment of silence is over, and I do my best to pay attention to the words. But I can barely hear them.

Her eyes are smiling and tired and glistening in the sunlight.

I say the words. The repeat after me words. She says them too.

These words are supposed to be important. But nothing we could say now could ever be enough.

There are rings and shaky hands.

And I don't know if the officiant says the kissing words. All I know is that her lips are on my lips. And there is no sound.

There is only kissing. Gentle, yet needy kissing. As my hands hold her to me. Lips against insistent lips. Saying everything that we feel. Standing up in front of our family. In front of people who matter and those who don't.

And I can't wait to get her alone. I can't wait to be alone with my wife.

As our lips break apart, she looks up into the sky. With the sun on her face, reflecting in her eyes, she looks happy. So happy that it hurts. The impossible kind of happy. But here we are.

Those eyes that say everything she is thinking and feeling. I want to kiss them. So I do.

She is standing in front of me in her dress. The dress. I force myself to see it. To see all of her. Draped in white.

And I just need one more kiss. One more.

The world slows down. What was spinning is now still. As we walk back down the aisle in slow motion. And I take in the grinning faces of my father and Alice.

Alice tucks her hands under her chin. And this is one of those moments when her face is so much like Mom's that it's alarming. And comforting.

And I can only hope to have a daughter with Bella's face. With her honest eyes. The ones she claims are the color of mud.

I want to laugh again.

"What's so funny?"

And maybe I am laughing.

She wants to know, so I tell her. "Your eyes, Mrs. Cullen. Your perfect, honest eyes."

I love it when she scowls at me. When her lips curl up and she tries to be mad, but she can't.

I kiss her face.

I stop laughing.

I just love.

-PC-

I've been studying all day. I can no longer see straight.

Saturday night TV is boring as fuck.

Lights out, there is a pounding knock on my apartment door.

Shit.

She won't leave if I ignore her. I know this from experience.

I drag myself off the couch and unlatch the deadbolt. This is how it goes with us. If she wants to come in, she's going to have to open the door herself.

She stands directly in front of the TV. Hands on her hips, primped and dressed to kill. "We're going out."

"No, you are going out."

"This whole brooding thing you've been trying out really isn't very becoming. You can't live like this, Edward. It's not healthy." She takes a gulp of her Red Bull. I stare at her blood red, acrylic nails.

She doesn't even call anymore. She just shows up.

"Rose, you're never going to get laid if you keep carting my sorry ass around with you everywhere you go."

But she doesn't hear me because she's already gone from the room, undoubtedly rifling through my closet.

She returns with some jeans and a button down shirt that still has the tags on it. Alice keeps sending me clothes. As if I don't know how to dress myself.

Rose holds the shirt out, eyebrows raised. "Don't even fight me on this. You're not wearing what you have on. And when's the last time you ate anything?"

I have to think about it. It may have been this morning.

She rolls her eyes before I can even answer.

So we go to a house party. It's the same party that I've been to a hundred times. Smart girls pretending to be stupid, fawning over a bunch of assholes who think they are already doctors.

I grab a beer. And then another.

I try to avoid eye contact with every platinum blonde that passes me by. Rose flirts with anything with a penis.

I don't know why she drags me to these things. I mean I do know, but I don't know why I let her.

I don't sit. Sitting is an invitation for a conversation. Leaning in hallways is the best way to avoid interaction.

"There you are."

Rose is leading some blonde Barbie by the hand. She sets her directly in front of me. Like she's my prize for the night.

"Tanya, Edward. Edward, Tanya."

She has an annoying name. Her teeth are really shiny, and I think she might have too many. Her hair is all bouncy. She might actually be a natural blonde.

She also might be kind of pretty.

It's too hot in here.

I need some air.

I turn around and walk out to the balcony without a word. I dump my beer over the ledge.

"You really don't give a shit about any of this, do you?"

I jump at the sound of Tanya's voice. It's softer than I expected it to be. I'm surprised that I was even thinking about what her voice might sound like.

I don't turn around. And she doesn't care. She talks. And talks and talks and talks.

She tells me the story of her life. She doesn't even know me. I'm a stranger and she's telling me about her entire fucking life.

Her dreams. Her hopes for the future. The kind of life she wants. Everything.

It's annoying. Except I find myself listening. And almost wanting to know more. She's articulate. Driven.

I don't know what to do with her.

I don't know what to do with a girl who is so open and honest. I turn to face her. She is pretty. It's the first time anyone has been pretty in years. Maybe she is more than these other plastic girls.

I look at her eyes. And I'm confused. There is substance. Her eyes aren't vacant. But they give nothing away.

"You stopped smiling."

I didn't know I was smiling at all. I hold my hand up to my lips.

This is stupid. I am stupid. There is a gorgeous girl standing in front of me. A girl who wants me. I wonder if this is what people do. Normal people. Meet a girl at a party. Kiss a girl. Fuck a girl. Marry a girl.

And I try so hard to see her.

The music from the house is beating in my ears. "It sounds like a good life."

She has the oddest expression on her face. "Dance with me?"

She doesn't wait for an answer. Her hands are on me. I don't move. She doesn't care. She moves for both of us. It's stiff. She smells like girl. Like the wrong girl. But it feels nice. Too nice.

I need to get out of here.

"I have to go."

I leave her there on the balcony. She doesn't follow.

It doesn't take me long to find Rose.

"We're leaving." I grab her by the arm and I don't care what it looks like as I drag her out the front door.

She doesn't fight me as I open the passenger door to my car.

We sit in the car. In the dark. Keys in the ignition. My hands grip the steering wheel. Until my knuckles are white.

Her voice is quiet. "Edward, she's just what you need."

"She's not." I might be shouting.

"She's just a girl, Edward."

I'm not sure who she's talking about. It doesn't matter. She's wrong.

-PC-

We are surrounded by white flowers. I don't know what kind. I don't know these kinds of things.

I stare at her face. She's taking it all in. The people. The flowers. The sky. The done-up barn. Me.

The photographer whisks us away for photos. Sitting on the ledge of the loft. Walking hand in hand down the path. Kissing in the grass. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing.

We hardly speak. There is nothing to say. Her eyes say it all.

The rest of it is all blurry. Appetizers and toasts. Dinner.

Bella slyly leaves her glasses of expensive wine all around the room.

With the tables lining the perimeter of the barn, the dance floor is small.

I take her by the hand. Or maybe she takes me. We ignore all of the smiling, staring faces.

We barely move.

"Good thing we practiced."

"Good thing."

She presses her face against my chest and it's dancing in the little room. Just her and me.

The last of the day's sun shines in through the barn walls. There isn't a bat or a field mouse in sight. Our old forgotten barn, full of life and promises. The important kind.

We whisper to each other until the song is over.

Dad is waiting with his hand out. But I don't want to let go.

"I'll give her right back, son. I promise."

I stand with Alice and Jasper. Alice hugs me tight. "Take good care of her, Edward."

"I'm going to miss you, Alice. We're going to miss you."

She wipes a stray tear from her face and turns into Jasper's side.

I watch Dad twirl Bella around. As she smiles.

I'm by her side as soon as the song ends. Scooping up my wife.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm dancing with my wife at our wedding."

She laughs and it's as if I've never seen her laugh. And it's as if I've never kissed her before. And I've never held her in my arms. Everything is the first time.

Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rose, dance around us.

The barn darkens as the night descends. Lit with white twinkling lights, the room is all sparkling shadows. I let my hands wander.

"Is it time to go yet?" I can hear the blush in her voice.

Emmett cuts in, stealing Bella away. She laughs as he lifts her off of the ground.

"Be careful with her."

I watch Rose quietly leave the dance floor.

With two waters in hand, I sit down next to her. "Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

We sit quietly, watching the guests in varying states of drunkenness.

"Tanya sends her best."

"You told her?"

"I thought maybe it would give her some closure."

"I see."

"She met someone."

"I'm glad." It feels good to say it and mean it.

Rose keeps her eyes trained on Bella and Emmett. "I'm sorry, Edward."

"For what?"

"All of it."

"Hey, Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"All of it."

She smiles and I think she hears me.

Emmett and Bella appear in front of us, out of breath and laughing. Emmett whisks Rose away.

I pull Bella into my lap. She kisses my nose. She is all smiles and giggles. I point to my own smiling lips.

She leans in slowly. "What do you want?"

"You."

I press my lips to hers. She tastes like Bella.

I nod towards the open doorway of the barn. The white fabric is caught up in the breeze. "Come on."

I take her by the hand and lead her into the dark night.

This is what I've been waiting for all day.

I hold her to me.

Crickets and bullfrogs. Cool autumn air. I dance with my wife. Under the stars.

Until our guests trickle out.

We say our good nights and I don't know what happened to the last six hours.

We have a room. I thought it was stupid when Alice first suggested it. Bella and I live in town. We have our own house. I didn't think we needed an overpriced room at a country inn.

But looking around this room, seeing the look on Bella's face as she appraises the huge bed, it's no longer stupid. It's perfect.

The fireplace is lit. Crackling and glowing.

I play with her fingers. "You hungry?"

She grins up at me, shaking her head.

"You tired?"

Another no.

She fists my jacket in her hands and pulls me flush against her. Up on her tiptoes her lips kiss along my neck, until they are ghosting over my ear.

Her voice is quiet, yet forceful. "Get this dress off of me."

I have never wanted anything more in my life. My clumsy hands don't even know where to begin.

But she knows. And she helps.

With her dress pooled at her feet, and her skin glowing under the light of the fire, she is perfect. "You're beautiful."

She tucks her hands under the collar of my jacket and shrugs it off of my shoulders.

I want to kiss her everywhere. As she steps out of her shoes, I pick her up. I carry her to the bed. I strip her naked. She still blushes when I stare. I want that forever.

Hovering over her, my hands are everywhere. In this glowing orange room.

Bella, Bella, Bella.

I love the way her breath catches when I take her nipple in my mouth. The way she threads her fingers in my hair and holds me between her legs. The way she moans. The way she stretches herself out on the bed. God, I love her. It's scary to love her this much. To love her and to know that she loves me the same way.

I listen to her fall to pieces under my hands and my lips. And I'm wearing too many clothes.

I kiss her belly. Again and again and again.

Her eyes are shining, her skin a rosy pink. Her chest heaves up and down as she unbuttons my shirt. As she pushes my pants to the floor.

I need to be inside of her. Now.

Crawling up the bed, hovering over her, she's mine. Forever.

She takes me in her hands as my lips find her lips. As our tongues push and need and love.

Maybe it's not fucking against a hotel room wall. It's just Bella and me. But right now, in this king sized bed, with our baby growing inside of her, it's everything.

And if this is it, if this is the end, as good as it's going to get, it wouldn't be an if I could go back and live it one more time kind of life.

-PC-

A/N:

To Susan, thanks for being amazing and for following me around in my doc so that I could get this out before I leave for the holidays. And thanks for still being my friend when I do things like freak out over chapter titles.

To Kim, thanks for being pretty and making this chapter happen.

We have seven chapters to go. Which sounds like so many. And so few. You ready for event number three?

See you in the new year :)