Chapter Twenty – Five: Only Time
Over the past few years I've spent far too much of my time thinking about life and the people in mine.
In that time, it's been progressively easier to see the weight of how ever-changing it all is. It's the blurring lines between strangers and friends and family. Oftentimes our bonds with those around us are in between or impossible to define with words. It's all happening in the minutes of our days. The seconds apart or together added up and becoming heavy with a purpose and meaning. I've thought and written on this for hours and still I can scarcely wrap my brain around it all.
Jacob was once my best friend.
Back when we were clad in grass stained denim overalls and covered in cooties. In those days we could spend hours climbing trees or hunting for beetles in the grass.
But how quickly that's all changed. Things are so different now and it's impossible to pinpoint when it all distorted. There isn't one specific moment that swayed us. In fact I imagine it's hundreds of moments aligning just so. I couldn't go back and change it even if I wanted to, and sometimes I really do.
Jacob was once my best friend but now…
Now I don't know where we stand.
Things are okay on the surface. I see him again at school the Monday after our talk. He smiles but it doesn't quite reach his dark chocolate eyes and we pretend that it's all okay even though I suspect that it's not. As the days persist I see him less and less and his excuses become progressively more paper-thin. I feel the shift in our relationship like a rock in my shoe but it doesn't seem to faze him.
I know him well enough to see the wall he's built in defense and I know pain well enough to recognize self-preservation when I see it.
The separation is strange and I think about how simple things once were much too often, but I get it. I have to let him have this. I imagine that his feelings aren't unlike mine after I kissed Edward and pushing it all away certainly seemed like the best solution to me at the time as well.
Another gaping question mark in my life is her.
Renee.
My mother.
I miss her…
When I decided on NYU, I wanted to tell Edward first but I wanted to tell her too. I remember a time when I told her everything, when she was the first person I wanted to tell things to. That was back when things were simpler, back when I was a little girl that she was the woman I wanted to be one day. When she was the mother who loved me no matter what.
I miss that version of her every day but I'm resolved to march on. I can't fix this problem alone and I'm still not sure if I want to.
Fortunately I'm not without an abundant support system as the days without my mother and friend turn into weeks and months.
Angela and her parents are ceaselessly understanding of the unending stalemate between Renee and I. In all honesty, I'd worried when I first arrived that I'd feel like a burden, like an intruder in their happy home. Luckily I was very wrong in my worries. The Webbers quickly and gracefully accepted me into their family, game nights and all – though I never manage to win at monopoly.
While it feels more and more every day like I've lost a mother, I gain a family in the Webbers and a sister in Alice.
Edward's pint sized sister calls several times a week, both to check in and to keep me updated on the Jasper situation. They move in together at the beginning of November, a fact she's kept quiet from her parents and brothers, and Alice's irrational fear that it's too good to be true has her chatting my ear off for an hour at a time. She's happy, obviously and palpably happy, and I feel fresh and renewed at the end of each call. It feels good to be the one someone needs rather than the one always in need. It feels even better when it's Alice that needs me.
Dinners with Edward continue once a week like clockwork. He eats his burger and fries and I have my grilled cheese and soup and we talk about our lives and 'accidentally' brush our knees together too often.
He doesn't once ask about running into Jake that night and I don't reveal anything. In fact, his name is never mentioned at all. In the back of my mind I think Edward might still believe that there's something romantic between my towering friend and me and I don't have the energy or nerve to dissuade the notion. It's probably better that he thinks that. It's just another something else to hold him at arms length.
Jacob is one of the several things that Edward and I just don't talk about - Jacob and Renee and anything from our previous life.
I sometimes wonder if it hurts for him to think about the demise of his marriage. Does he regret any choices he made along the way, does he miss any parts of her or us from way back when. I think about those things but I don't dare ask.
Our weekly dinners, daily texts, and occasional phone calls are all a game of taboo but one I would never dare miss. They're far more open and good than anything else and I find that I'll gladly walk on eggshells every now and again to keep his gaze on mine.
He's still my unending support, my rock, my constant. He's proven time and again that he means what he says and my fears of losing him are dwindling by the day. Despite the few no go topics of conversation, things are easy between us for the first time in a long time. We talk about nearly anything and everything and regardless of the words spouting from my lips he makes me feel truly heard.
It's easy with Edward, blissfully easy and tirelessly complicated.
With the words unreservedly spoken and the time locked together there's always an underlying current of something else.
It's strong and encompassing and impossible to avoid, though I certainly try.
I can't accurately name that something but it feels like a cousin to tension, hot white tension that pulls us together and pushes us apart. An undulating tension we ignore.
It's the spark when our skin touches and the way our eyes connect so instantly when we do. Like he feels it too. It's my ever-blushing cheeks and the way his Adams apple bobs and his jaw clenches. I notice every detail and the more time we spend together I think he might notice them too. I think he might, but it's another thing I'll never ask.
Despite that overarching something, I can very clearly still see the guard rail he's placed between us - The distinct line that neither of us should cross if we value what we have.
Too often I think of what ifs and what could bes and then I force myself again to remember the harsh sting of his rejection. I've heard that time dulls our memories, but for me, that one is unsurprisingly crystal clear. I make myself remember that night and the boundary he's drawn between us and I lean back in the squeaking booth and try again to ease my racing heart. I'll follow whatever rules necessary to keep him.
Days blur together as weeks pass and the air in Forks grows colder.
December arrives quickly and I can feel the press of impending exams, the promise of a chapter ending and a new and terrifying beginning,
My mind is so full of calculations, Shakespeare, and worries that I nearly forget about the significant day.
It's a Monday afternoon and I'm shoving books from a locker into my old Jansport when my phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans. I expect to see Angela's name across the screen but find Edward's instead.
My brow furrows in the way my mother once warned would give me wrinkles and I swipe the message open.
'Want to catch a movie tonight?'
My first feeling is a fluttering in my stomach. It's the butterflies I imagine you get when the boy you've been crushing on finally asks you out. It's like that but Edward certainly isn't a boy and this isn't a schoolgirl crush.
It's an uncomplicated question but still I feel an odd weight in my stomach. We only meet on Thursdays. Sure, he calls and texts and I've run into him at Newton's a few times here or there but we only actively plan to meet on Thursdays. It's all a part of the unspoken rules.
A huff of air escapes my lungs as I try to solve the small mystery and then it hits me.
It crashes into me like a semi truck and my phone slips from my fingers before I can move to catch it. I vaguely hear the clatter of the device upon the vinyl hallway tile but I pay no mind. My thoughts are too occupied with the vivid memories, the snow and the bone chilling cold and the empty black night. The memory of Edward's panicked voice rings in my ear when a hand on my arm pulls me from the void.
"Bella." I blink the memories away and turn my eyes to face a concerned Angela. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." She squeezes my arm lightly through my sweater as her quiet question floats through the air.
I'm still frozen for a moment but luckily I snap out of it and find my voice before it's too obvious.
"Uh…yeah. Sorry. " I turn to find my phone lying a few feet away and sitting flush against the bottom of the lockers.
"Shit. " I mumble the curse as I pick it up to find a partially cracked screen.
"Hey." My eyes find Angela's again when I hear her voice. "Seriously, what's going on?"
I sigh as I slip my phone back in my pocket before I can drop it again and adjust the strap of my book bag on my shoulder.
"I just…"my voice sounds squeaky to my ears. I clear my throat and divert my eyes for a moment, still attempting to clear my muddled mind. "I just remembered that today's the anniversary of the crash."
I watch her face shift and fall. "Oh….Bella…"
I can see the sympathy written in her eyes. It's the look I always get when anyone remembers. I sort of hate that look. I feel stronger now but that looks reminds me too quickly of how weak I really am.
"I had completely forgotten…with school and everything else." My voice falls as the statement ends. I swallow hard.
"Anyways, Edward asked if I wanted to see a movie and it hit me."
Her lips lift into a sad smile. "Well that's good right? He knows how you feel and it's probably better to keep yourselves busy."
She's right. I know she is. No one wants to see a repeat of last year when I disappeared only to be found staring over the edge of that bridge in the middle of the night. I was a zombie then. It's hard to believe an entire year has passed since that night
"Yeah, you're right." I smile as best I can through the memory onslaught and walk alongside Angela as we head to her car.
She tells me about a fight she's having with Ben and I try, in vain, to focus on her words. I offer little advice when she asks for it, too distracted to be useful, and she's relatively quiet after that.
I'm a bad friend sometimes.
On the way to her house I text Edward back and he says he'll pick me up in an hour.
I'm nervous – palm sweating; change my sweater three times nervous.
He texts me again when he pulls in the drive and my stomach twists in to tighter knots. I wish I could understand it, wish I could pep talk myself out of the emotional abyss but I can't, not today. There's already too much going on in my mind, in my heart.
Edward's smiling soft when I slide into the passenger seat but I can tell by his cool emerald eyes that todays date hasn't slipped his mind like it did mine.
"Hey." his greeting is gruff as he backs out of the short driveway.
"Hey." My response is nothing more than a mimic, my mind still too caught up.
He notices instantly. I'm looking straight ahead but I can feel his gaze flickering every few seconds, volleying between the road and me.
I don't mention the obvious and neither does Edward. Instead, he fills the 10 minute drive into town with stories about his weekend fishing trip with James. I can hear the grin in his voice as he tells me about a bear sighting and how they froze their asses off and didn't feel a single bite on the line. I listen intently, smiling when appropriate, but I'm still too caught up in waiting for the topic I know he'll broach.
What can I say?
How do I feel?
I honestly don't know.
After a ride that feels like forever, we pull up in front of the old theater on the south side of town. The engine quiets and the space around us is frozen silence. It's the sound of a car passing by and Edward's shallow breathing. The air is cool and pale lavender, lit by the evening sky. I spare a glance at Edward to find him watching me with concrete eyes. His jaw clenches, his throat bobs. Is it nervousness or something else? I don't know. I never know.
I breathe deep through my nose and blow the air out in a quiet huff.
"Two years," I whisper. I shake my head before laying it back on the headrest. The leather squeaks and my eyelids drift closed.
"How has it already been so long?" He speaks the question in my mind and I twist my neck to look at his face again. I can see that he's thinking just as much as I am. His brow furrows and his eyes grow darker. I notice then how tired he looks. Even with the purple crescents under his eyes and the stubble on his jaw, he's still the most beautiful man I've ever seen.
"What are you thinking about?" The need to know forces the question from my lips. His eyes fall securely on mine and I can feel that something so tangibly between us. It's like a rope that grows more taught with each silent second that passes.
"You." His lips twitch just so and his eyes shine a little more.
I lift me head up, spine straight, eyes focused, and lips curling slowly towards the sky.
"Me?" It's a whisper. He swallows again and his eyes flicker over my face. To my eyes, my nose, my lips. I'm probably imagining that though.
He nods and I ask the silent 'why' with the shifting muscles of my face – the purse of my lips, the tensing in my forehead.
"Just thinking about how different you are today than you were a year ago. Stronger…" He means it sincerely but I can't stop the whispered scoff.
I still feel a lot like the same lost little girl I was then.
"You are." I think he must hear my thoughts but then he continues. "You might not see it Bella but I can. You've grown a lot since then…you've had to." The last part is a whispered mumble but I hear it all the same.
He may not speak her name but I don't have to guess how he feels about Renee's lack of parenting as of late.
"You've changed too." I smile soft and bump my jacket clad elbow against his.
He grins too but it's not like mine. By the ways his brows lift and his eyes shift out through the windshield I think he might have some less than positive thoughts on his own growth over the last 12 months. Apparently we both have skewed ideas of ourselves. I want to know. I want to know his every worry, his every thought.
My lips part and I'm almost asking but his voice floats in the air before I can. "We're a couple of warriors, you and I."
You and I.
I like the sound of that on his lips. I like the sharp sting of his green gaze. I like everything about right here and right now and I think he's right. We have changed. I've changed… and it's mostly good.
We don't talk much after that.
It's peaceful silence as we watch the evening through foggy windows.
Edward and I tread through the icy night and into the theatre after the sun has disappeared from the sky. We watch an action flick the kids at school have been talking about. It's car chase scenes and too much CGI but he's smiling every time I glance over and I'm happy. I find comfort in the dark with him by my side. Our elbows brush against each other and somewhere around the middle his hand finds mine. Or mine finds his, I don't really know. Either way, it's warm and strong and I'm glad to have the connection and the darkness to hide my blush.
That night, that was once so monumental, passes almost like any other and then time slips past me even faster.
Nearly two weeks later, I'm in the gymnasium of Fork's high school, wearing a static coated green gown and walking across a makeshift stage in heels that Alice forced on my feet.
I graduate with a handful of other classmates whom either worked their asses off to graduate early like I did or needed an extra semester. I throw my hat in the air like I'm meant to and smile wider than I knew I could and then it's over and I'm clutching an expertly rolled parchment that weighs nothing and everything. It's a stand in, my real diploma will be mailed in a few short weeks, but it doesn't matter to me now. Not when the music starts up again with the applause and I watch the ones I love grinning wide from the stands.
And then It's a bouquet of flowers thrust in my arms and Alice screeching in my ear as she tackles me in a hug.
"You're a fucking rock star Bells!" I'm smiling so wide that my cheeks hurts but I can't stop.
"Mary Alice! Language." Esme's melodious voice chides and I watch Alice's bashful glance over her shoulder.
I realize then that I'm surrounded. Angela and her parents, Esme and Carlisle, Alice and a quiet blonde man I know is Jasper, Mike and even Jacob – They're all here and smiling with sparkling pride in their eyes. And then there's Edward. I saw him in the bleachers as soon as I entered the room. He looks as happy as I feel and I want to keep the image of that face in my mind forever.
Alice lets me go and falls back towards her patient boyfriend and I launch myself into Edward's arms before I have time to think. It's warm arms squeezing me tight, feet off the floor, and breathy laughter.
It's everything fading away but him.
I breathe in pine and mint and Edward. I feel the fabric of his sweater against my nose, my lips. It's soft and warm and firm and it smells like him too. Time slows and I feel the press of his lips against my curled hair. It's a soft pressure and my breath held tight in my chest until he pulls back.
All of this is because of him. Because of his strength, his selflessness, his belief in me.
I love him.
"You did it kid." His voice is a low rumble in my ear that tickles the sensitive skin on my neck.
I could hug him like this for hours but thankfully he pulls away and the real world fills back in around us. Once again he's saving me and, as I glance to their still smiling faces, I hope no one else can read my love for him in that embrace.
His hands are on my shoulders, holding me at arms length and he's looking into my eyes, really looking.
"I'm so damn proud of you." That dimple appears on his freshly shaved cheek and a camera flashes, pulling me all the way out of this bubble and away from his sparkling greens.
"Pictures!" It's Alice, clutching her camera like always and shooting me a knowing look. One that says 'You've got it bad girl.'
And we both know I do.
I take photos with everyone and my heart swells with how loved I feel in this moment.
Sandwiched between a grinning Esme and Carlilse. Snap.
A giggling embrace with Angela. Snap.
Funny faces with Mike. Snap.
A stiff and barely grinning Jacob. Snap. Snap.
I had wanted him to be here and here he is. I had hoped things could be better, normal even, if only for tonight, but things aren't normal at all and there's still something not right. I can feel it in the tenseness of his muscles when we hug, can see it in his cold eyes. He tells me congratulations and makes to pull away but I grab his wrist tight before he can. My fingers dig into his warm skin until his eyes meet mine and I ask him without speaking. What's wrong? He's a steel wall that I can't look through and then he shakes his head small. Maybe I can't read him but he's understood my look just fine.
"What is it?" I whisper, so low that I'm sure no one else has heard.
He smirks and then laughs light but it lacks any humor.
"Don't worry about it Swan." His voice is so detached as he slips from my loosened grip. His eyes look away and he's so… cool. I don't really know this Jacob. I have a sinking feeling that I'm missing something important here and he has no intention of sharing.
"I'll see you alright?" A too casual nod of his head and then he's pulling his hand from my loosened grasp and turning away.
I want to worry about it. I want to wrench him back and demand that we fix this. I want my friend again but I don't know how to mend it and it feels more complicated than ever now.
I don't run after him. I watch his broad back slip through the crowd surrounding and then he's gone. My fists clench and so do my teeth.
Alice sweeps in just in time and demands to get a photo with me. She pulls me in position like a rag doll and forces the camera in her brother's hands. I can tell by the tightening of his jaw and the concerned glint in his greens that Edward didn't miss the strange Jacob interaction.
"Don't let him kill your vibe B." Alice didn't miss it either apparently. I glance over at her before the camera flashes and she's smiling warm.
"You graduated today Bells…and this hairstyle I crafted for you," She pulls on one of my loose curls as she speaks, "does not look good with a frown. " I snort, I can't help it, and just like that I'm snapped out of it and determined to make the most of this night.
After too many photos and an endless supply of hugs, Esme announces that we have reservations at a fancy restaurant in Port Angeles to celebrate. The crowd around us breaks, heading to cars to start the trek, but I hang back and Edward notices.
"I just need to grab my things from the locker room," I tell him. "Don't leave without me."
He smiles and it's breathtaking. "Never."
And then he winks and I'm basically putty. I know I'm blushing too red as I walk away but I can't help it and I don't care.
I'm still grinning wide as I turn down the small hallway that leads to the locker rooms. My mind is floating high in the clouds. It's thoughts of tonight and tomorrow and all the days to come. The promise of change and freedom from Forks and all the messes I've made here. It's everything I've worked so hard for.
And then I see her, standing frozen still only a few feet in front of me. My feet stop and I think my heart might as well. I'm ice cold in an instant and shivering all over.
I thought about her tonight, how could I not, but I never expected her to come.
My mind is a hurricane of questions and convincing myself that it's all a terrible dream but then she speaks.
"Hi sweetie."
Author's Note: My sincerest apologies for the crazy delay on this chapter! Life has been busy and writer's block has been my friend lately, unfortunately. I'm writing the next chapter now and I know where things are going so it should come together faster. I hope you all enjoyed this installment of Bella's story! Please let me know what you think and where you want things to go from here. What do you think Edward's thinking? Jacob? Renee? Do you think there's any chance for a romantic future for Bella and Edward?
Thank you all for reading and I look forward to reading your feedback!