"Price! Get your ass out of bed and open this door!"
Chloe blew out a stream of smoke as she listened to Rachel yell at her. More knocks pounded on the door. Her eyes strayed to the mural on the far wall. Once a beautiful work she was proud of, it was now marred by black marks scratched across its surface.
"Go away," she growled as she placed the joint in her ashtray. "This ass ain't going nowhere!"
In answer, Rachel's head appeared in the open window to the side of the door. She scowled at Chloe as she began to haul herself through the window.
"Damn this place stinks," Rachel said as she struggled to enter through the small opening.
Chloe threw her head back and laughed at Rachel hanging half-in the small window. With a final, mighty shove, she was through and tumbled to the floor. How she managed to not break anything, or hurt herself was a mystery.
Rachel stood and glared at her. "If you are going to toke, at least get the good stuff, and burn some incense." She stepped to the door and opened it while she spoke. "You're sticking up the whole place with that cheap crap. What is it, Kat Piss?"
"Ugh," Steph agreed as she stepped in. "Open all the windows and air this place out!" Chloe laughed at the expressions on their faces, which were twisted in disgust.
"Want a drag," she said, holding out her cigarette.
"Not of that stuff," Rachel said. She slowly looked around the room, then walked into the kitchen. "This place is disgusting. What would Max think?"
"Don't you fucking talk about Max! She abandoned me…us," Chloe yelled. The noises of pots and dishes going into the sink were her only response.
Steph began kicking the clothes on the floor into a small pile. "When was the last time you did laundry," she asked.
"Last week…or month," Chloe mumbled around the cigarette. "I do my underwear every week…I think." She placed the half-used cigarette on the ashtray balanced on her stomach. "What do you two want?"
"Well," Steph said as she slid open the curtain to the nook, "seeing as we're your friends, and that we haven't see you since…when did we last see Chloe?" She turned in the nook, looking at Rachel.
"Ooof! Disgusting," Rachel exclaimed when she opened the fridge. "What in the world do you eat?"
"Mostly ramen…I think."
Rachel dragged the trash bin to the fridge. "What did you ask me, Steph?"
"When did we last see Chloe?"
"More than a month ago, almost two months ago." She began dropping rotten food from the fridge into the trash.
"Almost two months. That is way too long. I remember how you were when Bongo died, and this is definitely worse than that." Steph turned her attention to the nook. Bending, she gathered some more clothes and stood.
"Don't you dare touch those," Chloe shouted when she saw what Steph held. She leaped from the futon to grab the clothes. Well, that's what her mind pictured her doing. Instead she leaped, tripped on the table, and fell to the floor with a painful grunt. The ashtray and cigarette flew from her, strewing ash across the floor.
Rolling onto her back with a groan, Chloe looked up. Steph stood over her, wadded clothes in her hand. Kneeling beside her, Steph put a hand on her shoulder. "Girl, you need to pull yourself together." She bundled the clothes under her arm and helped Chloe get up.
Taking her to the futon, Steph sat next to her. She placed the bundle of clothes on Chloe's lap.
"It was the last outfit she wore, wasn't it," she whispered.
Chloe could only nod. She touched the clothes and felt nothing. That's how everything was, a whole lot of fucking nothing. She had cried that night. Once reality set it, once she woke up the next day, alone, she felt no more, only numbness.
"It's ok if you need to cry," Steph said, voice still a whisper.
Shaking her head, Chloe clenched the clothes tight. "Just…just don't wash them, please? I want them to smell like her as long as possible."
Rubbing her shoulder warmly, Steph said, "I won't." She rose and went back to cleaning. Chloe stared blankly at the clothes on her lap. The last clothes Max wore. The last clothes Max would ever wear.
It fucking sucked.
Sometime later, she roused herself. The slight buzz from the weed was gone and she was feeling quite hungry. Blinking as she looked around, she saw Rachel and Steph sitting at the kitchen table.
"Hey, uh, what are you two doing here?"
Shooting a glance at Rachel, Steph said, "we've been here all morning. Don't you remember?"
Running a hand through her hair, Chloe stood up. And quickly placed a hand on the back of the futon as everything swayed a bit. "Yeah, uh, I just thought you'd be gone by now." Good save! Maybe. Yeah, she'd actually forgotten they were there.
Her eyes scanned the now clean apartment. The black marks still marred her painting, making her wince. There was no way they'd be able to fix that. Nor the hole she'd punched in the wall. Nor the… she shifted her eyes back to her friends.
"So…why are you here?"
Both girls stood. "We're here to help you," Steph said. She walked toward Chloe.
"Help you get out of this spiral you're in," Rachel said as she approached her.
"Spiral?" Chloe began backing away as they approached. The apartment was too tiny for that though.
"We get that it's hard," Steph said as she laid a hand on Chloe's shoulder.
"And we aren't going to say it will be easy," Rachel said, placing a hand on her other shoulder.
"But we can no longer stand by and watch you destroy yourself."
"So, starting today, we're placing you under our care."
Chloe backed away again, or tried to. Their hands tightened on her shoulders, keeping her in place. "You are going to eat, get dressed, and come with us," Steph said, looking her square in the eyes.
Swallowing hard at the look in Steph's eyes, Chloe tried again to back away. She knew that look all too well: determination. Part of her wanted to rebel, to scream and fight and shout and kick them out. Part of her though…part of her was happy they were here, happy that someone cared.
Her lips moved without making a sound. "What was that," Steph said.
Rachel looked at her. "I think she's failing her speech check."
Grinning at the comment, Steph said, "Good to see I'm rubbing off on you."
"That's not the only rubbing you've been doing. Besides, those references are so useful in everyday life."
"One of these days I'll get you to join a session."
"Hey, did you forget I'm here? You know? The friend you came over to save?"
"Oh, Chloe, we could never forget about you," Steph said, though her eyes stayed on Rachel. "Why don't you go take a shower and get dressed."
"Um…ok." Chloe backed away, their hands slipping from her shoulders. "If you decide to eat out while I'm in the shower, can you make it quick? I don't want to be in there a long time."
Steph shook her head. Peeling her eyes from Rachel, she looked at Chloe and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, that was completely inappropriate. We are worried about you, and I know this is sudden and drastic.
"I've tried calling you more than once and you wouldn't answer. That's why we came in person. We've been involved with a project that may help you. Go on, take a shower. We'll wait out here for you."
Shaking her head, Chloe stepped into the nook. There were some clean clothes folded and resting atop the washer. She heard Rachel and Steph sit on the futon, chatting about the day. Closing the door behind her, she set the clothes on the toilet lid and turned on the shower.
The girl that looked back at her in the shattered mirror was not the same one that drew the picture on it so many months ago. Her eyes were sunk, looking out from dark pits. She had lost weight and looked even paler than usual. Her clothes, already baggy before, now looked gargantuan.
Around her neck was the necklace Max had given her. The necklace her wife had given her. She touched the blue butterfly hanging from it. Next to it was the ring Max had slipped into her hand before leaving. Max.
Her eyes lingered on the remains of Max's face for a moment. A flash of something, anger maybe, shot through her and her mouth hardened into a line. Knowing dark thoughts would come soon, she forced herself away and stripped.
She stepped into the scalding shower, not caring that it burned. If she wasn't good enough for Max…no! Not those thoughts again, not now! Her hand was pumping at the body wash and it took several moments to realize the soap had filled her cupped hand and overflowed into the tub.
Smearing the goo all over her body, she focused on cleaning herself. Ever since that night, she had given up on a lot things about herself. Everything seemed so pointless without her Max around.
Slapping her face to shock her out of that line of thinking, she filled her hand with shampoo and attacked her hair. Steph and Rachel cared about her. They cared enough to come over and help her. She was worth something…to them at least.
She stayed in the shower until the water turned cold, then turned it off. Drying herself with the towel, she next busied herself putting the clothes on.
Opening the door, she stepped from the nook. Rachel and Steph were still on the couch, looking a little from the futon, Steph came over to Chloe. "There's food on the counter for you. Put your boots on and bring it with us."
Chloe glanced at the counter. What looked like an egg sandwich lay on a napkin. By the door was her backpack, stuffed with clothes likely. It took just a few moments to put her boots on. Wrapping the sandwich in a napkin, she looked at her friends. "What are we doing?"
"You'll see," Rachel said as she rose. She picked up Chloe's backpack and beckoned. "Come on, we're already late."
The girls ushered her out of her apartment, locking it tightly behind them, and down the stairs. It was a dreadfully cheerful Saturday morning. Chloe hated it. Birds were singing. She hated them. The sun was shining, souring her mood. Not a cloud was in the sky, she shoved her beanie further down on her still damp hair until it almost covered her eyes.
They walked to the street where Rachel's car was, and got in. Rachel pulled away from the curb and Chloe began attacking the sandwich. Steph turned on loud music, which took Chloe away to another time, another place.
Forcing her thoughts on the here-and-now, Chloe destroyed the sandwich. Afterward she tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling. "Where are we going," she asked several minutes later.
"Someplace to help you, and others," Steph answered.
Closing her eyes, Chloe focused on the thrum of the car, and the explosive music blaring through the speakers.
Blue eyes looked at her, laughing at her lame jokes. Driving to a park, to enjoy one of Max's quiet places. Going shopping, with playful banter about their food items.
Blinking rapidly, Chloe's head snapped up. Looking out the window, she realized where they were. Her heart almost stopped when she saw the ruined buildings, roofs covered in blue tarps, rows of trailers, and more that marked the destruction zone.
The car slowly drove through the streets choked with debris, people, and equipment. "What are we doing here," she asked hoarsely.
"Helping you to heal," Steph said as she turned down the music.
Screwing her eyes shut at the words, Chloe tried to push down the memories Steph's words caused. She didn't know. She couldn't know, just what those words meant.
"How…will you do that?"
"By getting you busy helping people, instead of hurting yourself."
The car pulled behind a trailer and stopped. Rachel and Steph got out of the car. Chloe stayed in a few minutes, looking around. Being here…among ground zero…
Driving those thoughts from her head, Chloe got out of the car. All around were the sounds of demolition and construction. Shouting, heavy equipment, crashes, pounding of hammers, and more filled the air. With thumbs in her pockets, she sauntered after Steph and Rachel. They walked up to a short guy holding a clipboard.
"Sorry we're late, Mingo," Steph said as he turned at their approach. "It took us a little longer than we thought to get ready."
He eyed the three of them. "Ok," he said finally, "Larry's got a short crew on the blue house over there." He gestured down the street with the clipboard. There was only one house with any blue on it, and it only had part of one wall remaining.
"Join them for the cleanup. You need any gear?"
"Rachel and I have gloves, but nothing else. You know it's our first time on a crew. And Chloe here will need some gear."
He waved them to follow and lead them to a well-worn panel truck. Opening the back, he reached in and pulled out some items. Hard hats, safety glasses, and a pair of gloves for Chloe. Handing them out, he said, "Larry will tell you what to do."
"What are we doing here," Chloe asked again as they walked toward the house. She adjusted the band on the hard hat and put it on. The others did the same.
"Helping the people whose lives were upended by the storm," Rachel said as she adjusted the glasses.
Chloe looked at the devastation around her and shuddered. It could have been worse, so much worse. Several hundred people had lost their lives, and many more displaced by the destruction. Two months later and cleanup was still happening.
Seeing the destruction first hand made her heart sink. She knew this was just a taste, just a hint of destruction Max had lived through. Being here was wrenching her insides in all sorts of unexpected directions. Her sight blurred as she thought, not for the last time, about how much emotional pain Max had carried, knowing she was the cause of such things.
Larry was a big guy, with an intimidating appearance, a thin goatee shot with grey, and a warm, friendly voice. He was happy to have the three of them on his crew and immediately set them to work. Being unskilled workers, their job consisted of hauling debris from the site to the large dumpster parked on the street.
It was hard, hot work, and Chloe found herself really getting into it. There was a calming aspect to this straightforward work. Walk to the house, grab a piece of the destroyed house, take it to the street and toss it into the dumpster. Repeat.
Over and over she did that, clearing out one room, then moving to the next. Other workers, with tools and skills, were disassembling the destroyed frame, or cutting it into pieces small enough to carry.
The repetitive work drove all her destructive, self-focused thoughts away from her. The routine gave her a rhythm that she could focus on.
A hand on her arm stopped her. "Break time," Rachel said.
Her mind cleared, bringing her back to reality. About one third of the house was now cleared. The sun was beating down on this uncharacteristically warm spring day. Doffing her helmet, she wiped the sweat from her brow.
Rachel handed her a water bottle. Cracking the lid, Chloe took a long swallow. Joining the rest of the crew sitting on the curb, Chloe stretched her legs out before her. Leaning back on her elbows, she stared up at the sky.
The sky was a deep blue and there were no clouds directly overhead. An erratic movement among the blue caught her eye. Shading her eyes with one hand, she squinted and tried to find it. Blue on blue, it was difficult to see. Down and around it went in haphazard fashion, to land on a chunk of wall that had missed the dumpster.
Dark thoughts clouded Chloe's mind as she saw the butterfly resting on the debris. Its wings opened and closed slowly. Before she realized it, she threw her water bottle at the butterfly! It smashed into the debris below it. The insect took off, disappearing behind the dumpster.
"What was that about," Steph asked.
"Nothing," Chloe muttered. Getting up, she retrieved her water bottle then stomped back to the house. Putting her gloves back on, she started hauling debris again.
Trip after trip she made, hauling all the loose debris she could find. When she ran out of loose pieces, she found a hammer someone had set down and began whacking drywall and siding. Dust and chips flew around her as she whacked and whacked and whacked. All the frustration and pain and anger and sadness she'd been avoiding for weeks came flooding out of her.
A hand grabbed her wrist, holding it firm. Turning in anger she looked up at Larry. "Lunch is here," he said, "Mamá Gabriela brought it for us."
Breathing heavily, Chloe glared at him. He gave her a faint smile, then let go of her hand. "Keep this up, güera, and you'll hurt yourself." He turned and limped back to the street. Her eyes stayed fixed on him until he disappeared.
Slowly lowering her arm, she looked around her. Bits of drywall and broken studs were scattered around her. The thoughts swirling in her head fell apart, and she dropped the hammer. She followed, collapsing to the ground, dusty, sweaty, tired, and gross. Beating these things wouldn't bring her back.
Footsteps stopped near her, and a shadow blocked the blazing sun. Steph knelt by her, a bowl of something steaming in her hands. "Hey, girl," she said warmly, "I thought you might need this after all that work you did."
Steph held out the bowl, a spoon handle sticking from it. Accepting it, Chloe stared down at the reddish contents. "What is it," she asked.
"Larry called it pozole. It's a stew." Steph held out a bottle of soda as well.
Setting the soda next to her, Chloe grabbed the spoon and began stirring the stew. Moments later Rachel and Steph joined her, each with their own bowls. Blowing softly on a spoonful, she stuck it in her mouth.
Damn it was hot, and spicy! She decided she liked it, because if nothing else it made her feel alive from the skin damage it was causing. She dug into the stew, swallowing bite after bite while her friends took their time. Shortly, her bowl was empty and she was scraping the last bit into her mouth.
Taking a drink of soda after that, Chloe let out a long belch and leaned back. Setting the hard hat on the ground, she rested her head on it, staring at the sky.
"What are we doing here," she asked after some time.
"Helping to clean up," Steph said.
"No…I mean…why?"
Setting her now empty bowl aside, Steph said, "Some people hit by the storm didn't have insurance and don't have the money to rebuild. While they'll likely get some money from FEMA to fix their homes, that will take time, and many of them have difficulty filling out the forms.
"For the last couple of weeks Rachel and I have volunteered with an organization that helps people like Mamá Gabriela. People that are marginalized and will have difficulty getting the attention and help they need."
Chloe nodded at the answer. It made sense. Steph loved helping people.
"When we started working here," Rachel said softly, "we thought it might help you. Get you out of your routine. And…to see…" Her voice trailed into silence and she showed no sign of continuing.
Shifting in her cross-legged position, Steph glanced at Chloe. "See what Max stopped."
Chloe sat up and slipped into a cross-legged position as well. She fiddled with her gloves, putting them on and taking them off. Finally, she rose, grabbed her trash, and wandered to the street. Tossing it into the dumpster, she looked around.
A rusty pickup was parked nearby. On its tailgate was a large pot, with bowls, spoons, napkins and other things piled next to it. A short lady with black hair streaked with grey stirred the pot's contents. Larry stood near her, chatting softly.
Nearby, the rest of their crew was finishing their meal. She saw other crews at nearby houses, hanging around, eating and chatting. Deciding she'd had enough of this for a while, she donned her hard hat and started wandering through the neighborhood.
There was everything from volunteer crews like Larry's, to professional construction crews, to people with shiny new equipment. She didn't know which group they belonged to. People waved as she passed, and she found herself raising a hand in return.
There was no destination she had in mind, at least not in conscious thought. Go where ever her feet would take her. About an hour later, she found where they wanted to take her. The path of destruction abruptly ended.
Houses, trees, signs, even the road was destroyed. Then, a normal neighborhood stretched before her. There was evidence some debris had hit houses and lawns, but there was no significant damage. Where she stood was where the storm stopped when Max…she couldn't complete that thought.
Turning slowly in a circle, Chloe compared the wasteland of the storm to the tranquility of the untouched area. Something flitted in the corner of her vision. Turning back to it, she saw a couple of blue butterflies flying lazily in her direction.
Pursing her lips, she watched them get closer. She saw again Max dissolving into a mass of glowing blue butterflies. Her hands clenched tightly. Walking toward them, she swung her arms at them. They easily dodged her large clumsy limbs. Shouting at them, she waved frantically, trying to hit them.
Her flailing limbs did nothing to distract them. The butterflies flew past her, on into the neighborhood beyond. She glared at them, then turned on her heel and stalked back the way she came.
It was hard to see, what with that damn rain in her eyes. Or maybe it was the dust. Yes, it was the dust. She wasn't wearing her protective glasses and surely some dust got into her eyes.
Drawing the back of her hand across her eyes, she wiped the moisture from them. Why did Max have to go? Why couldn't she stay? Why couldn't she redo Chloe's life again? Damn it! She'd give anything right now, her life even, to have Max here for just five minutes!
But Max wasn't showing up. She would never show up again. Why was she even out here helping people? Why was she doing any of this? It was all so…pointless!
"Chloe?"
She stopped at the sound of her voice. Max? A hand touched her shoulder, and she spun about. Steph looked at her, brows raised and mouth creased. Chloe's shoulders fell on seeing her friend.
"What are you doing out here?"
What was she doing out here? Walking around angry, feeling sorry for herself. Shoulders slumped, she said, "trying to…walk off a mood, but it's sticking around."
"Do you want to talk?"
Looking around the area, with its crews and destruction, she said, "No, not here anyway. Thanks for offering. Maybe…maybe another time."
Touching her arm, Steph said, "maybe tonight. You're coming to our apartment, b t dubs. We can talk there, if you want." Raising her hand, she waved her on. "For now, come back with me so we can finish today's project."
Nodding, Chloe fell into step with Steph. They walked a few moments in silence before Chloe broke it. "Who's this Mamá Gabriela people keep mentioning?"
"Did you see the little old lady stirring the pot of pozole?"
"Yeah."
"That's Mamá Gabriela. She owns the house we are working on. Thankfully, no one was home during the storm. She, her son and grandkids were out helping another family when the storm came. They returned to find their house wrecked. She's also Larry's grandmother."
Chloe thought about that while they walked, but she couldn't draw anything from it. It was simply information. She did appreciate though that Steph found a project she believed in. If Steph believed in it, she could believe in it.
Minutes later, they were back at the job site. No one looked at her, or asked where she'd disappeared to. Larry pointed to a pile of debris needing hauled and she slipped back into the work.
The rest of the day passed rapidly under the routine the work encouraged. A couple of short breaks in the afternoon brought some refreshment, with drinks and an opportunity to stretch and lie down. As evening drew near, and a cool breeze sprung up, the site was nearly cleared. The foundation was still sound, providing the basis for a new house, if money could be found.
Returning the equipment, the three girls went back to Rachel's car and fell into it.
"Ugh," Chloe groaned. "Why did I let you talk me into this?"
In the front seat, Steph laughed. "You need to get out more, get away from that desk!"
Clicking her seat belt into place, Chloe threw her head back. The back seat didn't offer much room for relaxing, but she made the most of it. Rachel made some comment to Steph she didn't catch, then the car began moving.
She kept her head back, eyes closed and just listened to the car sounds. A hot shower, a good meal, maybe a drink were things she wanted now. The movement of the car lulled her into a soft doze. Before she knew it, the sound of a closing door startled her to wakefulness.
Blinking, she looked around to see they were at the apartment. Climbing out, a little stiff, sore, and tired, she grabbed her bag and followed the others into her old apartment.
Once inside, she trudged back to her old room where she paused at the entrance. In front of her was her bed. What she saw, though, was a tent and stars and a campfire on an iPad. Her hands tightened as her mind painted the picture for her.
Could she stay here? Could she sleep in this bed, the first bed they shared together?
Going into the room, she closed the door and set her bag down. The sound of laughter and murmuring voices drifted around the room. The crackle of a fire.
Shaking her head, she dug some clothes out of the bag and went into the restroom. Turning on the shower, she avoided the mirror, stripped, and jumped into the cleansing water.
Afterward, warm, clean, and feeling better, she wandered from the bedroom. Maybe she should sleep in the living room.
Steph and Rachel were on one of the futons cuddling. When they saw her, they immediately stopped and separated themselves. "Sorry," Steph said.
"Why? Don't apologize to me for loving each other!" Chloe's words came out rather harsh, and she winced. "Sorry," she said as she fell onto the other futon.
Moving to her futon, Steph touched Chloe's arm briefly. "Hey, we'll get through this."
Chloe snorted. "Will you stop already! You two love each other. Don't change who you are just because I'm around."
Steph looked at Rachel, then back at Chloe. "What do you want for dinner?"
"I'm thinking a good pepperoni pizza and a beer."
Nodding, Steph took out her phone and ordered pizzas. Meanwhile, Rachel went into the kitchen and returned with a beer for each of them. Popping the cap off hers, Chloe threw her head back and downed it in one swallow. Dropping the empty bottle on the ground, she smacked her lips. "That's a good start!"
The other two girls threw glances at each other than Chloe immediately noticed. "What," she demanded.
"Nothing," Rachel protested.
"Nothing, hell. What are you two thinking?"
Setting her still full beer on the floor, Steph looked at her hands for a time. Raising her eyes to Chloe's, she said, "can we talk now, just you and I?"
Shooting looks at both of her friends, Chloe considered the request. She knew what the talk would be about. Steph knew her well enough that a private chat would be a lot better for her. Shoulders finally slumping, she said, "yes, might as well get this over with mom."
Steph winced at that and Chloe immediately apologized. They stood up and Steph led them back to Chloe's room. Closing the door behind them, Steph stood facing it a while. Chloe went and plopped herself on the bed, trying not to be distracted by memories.
"Listen Chloe," Steph slowly said as she turned around. "The last couple of months I…we've missed our friend-"
"And you think I haven't missed her either," Chloe butted in.
Sitting on the bed, Steph continued, "not Max…you. Do you remember what she told Kate, Rachel and I before she left?"
Chloe turned her head aside, not wanting to look at her friend right now.
"She told us to take care of you, to help you have the happiness you deserve. For the last couple of months Rachel and I have let you have your space. You needed time to grieve to…I don't know, heal maybe.
"But it's very clear you aren't healing. You don't return our calls. We haven't worked on the game in months. You even ignore your parents. After talking it over for a long time, Rachel and I decided that leaving you alone was a mistake.
"We can't make you do anything, Chloe. You're a big girl, capable of making your own decisions. At the same time you're our friend and watching you destroy yourself is not something we can ignore. You need help and we want to give it to you. We want you to move in with us."
Through the speech, Chloe's jaw tensed and relaxed, tensed and relaxed. She knew Steph and Rachel cared about her. Part of her was glad to hear those words, that request. At the same time, part of her was angry, so angry! And she didn't understand why.
The anger seethed in her, distracting her thoughts. It took her a while to realize the numbness she'd felt, that unfeeling she'd had for weeks, was gone. "I'll…think about it," she managed to say.
"That's really all we can ask," Steph said. She leaned over and placed a hand on Chloe's shoulder. "Is this ok?"
After a moment, Chloe nodded. "I…I want my friend back, Chloe. I miss you. I miss the girl I was going to change the world with. It sucks not having you in my life anymore."
"Fuck that! You've got Rachel," Chloe spat, trying to hide the tears trickling from her eyes.
Ignoring the heated words, Steph leaned over to look at her. "You know that's not true. For the four years she and I were together before, you were in our life like no one else. You're a part of us." She went silent a while, her hand rubbing Chloe's shoulder.
Chloe kept her head turned, facing the wall. Steph had seen her cry before, but still it was something private. "You know what hurts more?" Steph's quiet words brought Chloe's blurry gaze back to her friend.
"What?"
"To see you hurting and fighting it." Chloe's head dropped to her hands. "It's ok to feel hurt, Chloe. She was an amazing girl who brought you to life in a way I'd never seen before. It's ok to talk about it, to have those feelings."
"But it fucking hurts so much," Chloe's words were raspy, barely stirring the air.
"Yeah, it does. Tell me about that hurt."
Lifting her head, Chloe stared at the wall, not seeing it. "It hurt that she didn't trust me enough to tell me what she was doing! It hurts that I'll never see her again, that I'll never hear her laugh at one of my lame jokes. That for a few months I felt…complete…and now? Now I'm not.
"Everywhere I go…there are memories we made and now she's no longer there. I've actually been excited to get home to tell her about something funny or good that happened at work. Then I get home all excited and when that silence hits me…it's like it happened all over again. I see her turn into that…into that 'thing' and disappear."
Steph turned on the bed to be beside her friend. Her arm went around Chloe's shoulders, holding her tight. A shudder went through Chloe as Steph did that. She remembered doing the same for Max not that long ago.
"Do you…do you blame yourself for what she did?"
Wiping her eyes, Chloe studied her fingers. On some days she thought of wearing Max's ring. It was a poor fit, she'd need it resized for that to work. And she didn't want to resize it. That meant she'd given up hope.
Bringing herself back to Steph's question, Chloe nodded. "Not for what she did…I do believe she thought that the only way to stop things. But I do blame myself for…breaking her!"
"Tell me about that," Steph prompted softly when Chloe went silent.
"Everything started when I asked her to come to Arcadia Bay with us. I should have known! I should have known when she freaked out when I asked her!" Chloe hands balled into fists and she leaned over pressing her forehead against them.
"She wanted to come though, didn't she?" Steph kept her hand on Chloe's should while they spoke. That simple contact she knew was a way of anchoring her friend.
"Yes." Again a throaty whisper. "She told me more than once it would be worse if she stayed here alone. How could it be worse than what happened to her there? And the days after…"
Chloe sat up, turning to sit cross-legged and faced her friend, letting her see the tears. She took Steph's hand into her own. She also knew the value of keeping that contact during these talks. "I know I didn't break her. But I wish…I wish there was something I could do to help her heal! Everything I did after that trip was to help her heal. And everything made it worse."
"That's not true," Steph said softly. "She loved you a great deal, despite whatever pain she experienced. She was happier with you. You helped her reconnect with her parents. Although I only saw her a few times before you met, I saw a big difference in her. You made her complete, as much as she made you complete."
A faint smile crossed Chloe's face at those words. They continued talking for a while, Chloe's tears gradually drying. The doorbell ringing finally drew them back into the main part of the apartment.
Chloe went into her bathroom to wash her face. She looked at herself in the mirror this time. It was way too soon to expect any kind of change in her appearance. For the moment though, she wanted to really look at herself. Her hair was a mess, with lengthy blond roots showing. She'd need to get that fixed.
Before leaving the bathroom, she paused. Her hand tightened on the doorframe. She'd already had a thought for improving herself, getting her hair done. She hadn't had those kinds of thoughts…shaking her head before she undermined herself; she flicked off the light and left.
The pizza was good, with Chloe eating an entire medium pizza by herself. She tried not to think of how she'd been hurting herself these past few weeks. Most of all she tried not to think of Max and how the last time she'd had pizza was with Max and Steph and Rachel.
She tried not to let her tears show as she laughed at jokes told by the other two. She tried not to picture her brown-haired freckle-faced friend sitting at the end of the futon, struggling to not be embarrassed by Steph's and Rachel's constant PDA.
Chloe thought she'd managed herself quite well, though she was sure the others knew. It was in the quick looks they gave her, the slight hesitation before a laugh. They were trying to show her a good time. To help her heal. Like she'd tried for Max.
After pizza came a movie, a low budget comedy. Guaranteed to not be within the taste of her missing hipster. Chloe sat alone, while Steph and Rachel shared the other futon. She knew they were holding back some of their affection for each other. And she loved them for it. It didn't help the loneliness, nor the empty ache of her arms longing to cuddle someone.
The movie ended and Chloe said goodnight. It was only 9 PM, but she was tired from all the day's activity. Plus, she knew Steph and Rachel had held themselves back for her sake. She wanted them to have time to themselves.
Entering her bedroom, she closed the door and went to the bathroom. She used the toilet, washed her hands, brushed her teeth, washed her face, examined her hair, washed her hands again, and then realized she was just delaying something.
Flicking off the light, she left the bathroom and stood staring at her bed. Although she and Max had spent most of their time together on the futon at Max's apartment, here is where they spent their first night together. Sleeping here without her…was like saying goodbye. And she didn't want to say goodbye.
Something dragged at her heart as she stepped to the bed and sat on it. She could still see that look of wonder and love on Max's face that night she walked in to find the makeshift camp. She sniffled as she lay on her side. The broken sentences falling from Max's mouth as she tried to express her joy hammered at her heart, beating at its fractures.
There was a lump beneath the blanket, something digging into her side. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she sat up and dug underneath the blanket. A strangled cry was wrested from her as her hand came back with Max's clothes, the ones she'd been wearing the last night they were together. With a heartbreaking wail, she buried her face in the clothes and fell over on the bed.
In the living room, Steph and Rachel interrupted their activities. From the back of the apartment came the sounds of Chloe crying. "I think she found them," Steph said. She smiled down at Rachel. "You definitely rolled a twenty with that idea."
Rachel looked thoughtful for a moment. "Don't tell her it was me though," Rachel said, "If she asks, tell her it was both of us."
"That makes me love you more," Steph whispered as she lowered her head and nipped at Rachel's ear. "If it's ok, though," she breathed into Rachel's ear, "I want to just lay here…together."
Rachel turned to peer into her lover's eyes. "It's making you think of us, isn't it?"
"A little."
"Well, I don't plan on giving you up easily."
"Good, because I'm not letting you." Steph snuggled close to Rachel, her fingertips resting lightly on her skin. Hearing Chloe's pain hurt her own heart. She wondered if this was how Chloe felt when she and Rachel broke up, and she had spent the next few weeks miserable.
Except for she and Rachel, there had been the possibility of being together. With Chloe and Max…she buried the thought and kissed Rachel.