Fighting To Survive Chapter 25
I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.
Captain Donald Cragen had a look about him after so many years on the job. He had a look that Charlie recognized even if he wasn't a familiar face and when he nodded his request, Charlie obliged. Don didn't want to enter a bar and he surely didn't want to order a drink, despite his mind tormenting him to do just that. It didn't take long to find his detective sitting alone at a back table, seemingly keeping count of the drinks he had put away since hitting the clock earlier that day. He took a seat across from Nick Amarro but didn't address him until Charlie arrived with the drink that was ordered upon arrival. Don smiled at his club soda before looking up to see the relief cross Nick's face. Don Cragen was an alcoholic yes, he was also a good man who was doing the best he could for himself and his people. Tonight, his newest detective needed him and he would do the best he could by him.
"Don't know why I don't just order a coke or something." Don used the little straw to stir his drink. "This stuff really taste like crap."
Nick looked up, but only briefly at his captain's admission. He then looked to the glasses to his right and couldn't help but feel guilty. He downed the rest of his drink before motioning for Charlie and then looked his commanding officer in the eyes. "I didn't ask you to come. I didn't ask you for anything."
"You didn't follow procedure. You want a transfer you ask for it. You want to resign, you go through proper channels." Don produced the neatly typed resignation letter Nick had left on his desk earlier that day. "Until then, you're still in my charge."
Nick leaned back in his chair and gave Don a grin that surprised the older man just a little. "I'm not so sure this is protocol either, sir."
"Probably isn't. Especially not for an alcoholic like myself." Don slid his drink toward Nick. "Here, try it. At this rate, won't be long you'll be on this stuff too."
Nick laughed softely at the older man, refusing his offer. His eyes thanked Charlie as his drink was quickly replaced. "Chuck there is on the ball tonight."
"Talk to me, son. Tell me what's going on." Don watched as Nick struggled with his words. His emotions as liquid as what he was consuming at the moment.
"I can't do this, sir. I got to leave the unit. I'm not cut out for this." Nick's defeated tone matched his posture as he waited a few seconds before looking up for Don's reaction.
"Olivia's first year was tough as well. Made a lot of mistakes. Elliot was tough on her though, wouldn't let her give up. There's no crying in the SVU." Don kept his eyes on Nick as he spoke. "She was green, spring green but she hardened where she had to, kept perspective otherwise."
"Yes sir." Nick was careful not to be rude. "I'm not talking about Olivia though. I can't do this. I don't want to do this."
"Tell me something, son." Don stopped to take a drink of his club soda, braved the face that followed and continued. "You were in a groove with Olivia. Closing rates were good, chemistry solid and all in all holding your own. What changed? So you get a new partner. It's rare to have the same partner for too long, especially in the SVU."
Nick stared Don down before stalling with his drink. He was in a groove with Olivia. He did feel like he was making a difference, however small that difference may have been. He didn't want to do this without her, the realization was clear as day to him and obviously to Captain Cragen as well. "I can't get her out of my head, you know? So broken, so...hurt."
"I know. I was there." Cragen waited patiently for Nick to continue.
"How could this happen to her? Of all people, how could Olivia be a victim like this?" Nick sat back angrily in his chair almost daring Don to answer and when he didn't the anger only mounted. "How could Langen not fight for her? Why didn't we protect her from the hell hole she was sent to? Is this how the NYPD takes care of their own? I don't want it. I don't want any part of it."
Don gave Nick a few minutes to settle down before addressing his questions. "I thought we weren't talking about Olivia? You want out of the unit, that's fine. It takes a certain kind of detective to last any amount of time in SVU. If you want out Amarro, you ask out for the right reasons."
"I was her partner. I should've known she was having trouble. I should've realized something was off by the way she was acting. How can I do a job like this if I have no instinct. I can't even read my partner." Nick had a loose tongue due to the alcohol and although it was important for him to talk, Cragen knew he would soon be done for the night.
"You can't know everything about your partner. She had a personal life outside the job, don't you?" Cragen looked Nick squarely in the eyes. "You worked with your partner to stop the monsters and save the victims. You did this while keeping your partner alive. I'd say you're cut out just right for this job."
Cragen threw down a few bills onto the table as he stood. "You want out, I'll sign to it. In the morning, after you sleep on it."
Nick watched as Cragen spoke to Charlie before leaving. He knew he was ordering him a cab and Nick could only shake his head at how much that man had seen in his career. He knew how he cared about Olivia. Nick didn't mention he couldn't get the look Cragen wore that night out of his head either. This world was an ugly place, yet he chose to wade through it all in search of the beauty he knew to be here. He wondered if his partner would ever believe the world to be beautiful again or if she was too severely wounded. He wondered if he would ever stop thinking of her as his partner. He knew Elliot didn't and for that he was indeed grateful.
Grace had not only thought to round up a wheelchair she had reminded Elliot that Olivia would most likely need clothing as well. Olivia herself hadn't thought of that detail until Grace produced a small bag containing the clothes Elliot had grabbed before they headed out. Grace offered her help but was more than understanding as Olivia refused once they had stopped at a small cafe just outside the city. The smell of real coffee was enough to remind Olivia that she was indeed free again.
Olivia shook her head and fought back the tears when she realized Elliot had grabbed her NYPD sweatpants. She was sure he was only going for something loose fitting to account for the cast, not noticing the lettering down the side. Her body still so very sore as she emerged from the restroom where Grace was where she said she'd be.
"Feel at least a little better?" Grace had a genuinely warm smile and she didn't seem to notice Olivia's discomfort at displaying her NYPD affiliation.
Olivia nodded as she clumsily manuevered the wheelchair. "I think I'd prefer the crutches."
"Yeah, you probably would. Your body though, not so much." Grace took the handles of the chair and together they joined Elliot who was waiting for them at a table toward the back of the restaurant.
Elliot rose pulling his pocket knife from his hip pocket. He glanced at Olivia before kneeling down and efficiently cutting through the lettering of her pants. The cast was bulky and the alteration was exactly what was needed. Satisfied he had made his partner at least a little more comfortable, Elliot returned to his seat without a word. He carefully slid Olivia's coffee toward her and she knew he had ordered it right. That was something partners just knew about each other.
Grace watched Olivia closely while she picked at a small lunch. It was of no surprise that her appetite was virtually non-existent. Olivia's eyes stayed busy as she watched everything and eveyone who entered and exited the restaurant. Grace wasn't sure how much of that was simply who she was, the training, the need to be on guard at all times, aware. She suspected most of her uneasiness stemmed from all that she had just survived from Richard Morris to Taconic.
"Thank you. If I haven't already said, thank you." Olivia really looked at Grace when she spoke and the pain in her eyes was almost enough to make Grace turn away.
"You are definitely worth going to bat for. You didn't deserve this, Olivia. Any of it." Grace watched as Olivia stole glances at Elliot while he ate. He seemed to be engrossed in his own thoughts, barely saying two words the whole time they were at the restaurtant. "There's still a lot of healing to do, you know that."
Olivia shook her head before closing her eyes against the pain in her chest. Her physical healing would be tough, emotional and mental healing that much tougher. "Do you think you could check on Sara for me? I need to know that she will be okay."
"I can do that, sure." Grace smiled inwardly realizing how Olivia fit the description Elliot gave of his partner on the way to the governor's office. "I need to know you will be okay. I will be here for you for as long as you need me."
Olivia forced a smile suddenly realizing they would be saying goodbye to Grace shortly. There was something about this woman that made Olivia trust her instantly. "El? You ready?"
Elliot wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to face the pain he had caused his partner by deserting her months ago. He wasn't ready to take on her pain as she dealt with what would now be her life. He wasn't ready to let her out of his sight. "Sure. Be right back."
"You two were close, there's no doubt about that. I dare say too close." Grace spoke softly as she watched Olivia's eyes follow Elliot. "He's a mess, Olivia."
"I know." Olivia's voice was barely a whisper as she turned her attention back toward Grace. "I hate to add to his troubles. I wish they never found him."
"You don't mean that, Olivia. He needs to be here with you as much as you need him here." Grace was solid in her speech and Olivia recognized the tone. "Promise me you'll call? Anytime. Day or night."
Olivia shook her head and Grace believed her. Olivia would need her and that was okay. She somehow found herself personally invested in Olivia's recovery. Langan would definitely argue her involvement, especially at this point.
Olivia stared up at her apartment once Grace had dropped her and Elliot off. She knew they could take the elevator up to her floor, but the thought was suddenly too much. Elliot spoke with Grace before she drove off and he slowly made his way back over to his former partner. "You don't want to go up there, do you?"
"El? Where did you go? After the shooting? Kathy didn't know where you were when I called." Olivia watched as the guilt and shame was instant in Elliot's eyes. "Take me there. Please?"
Elliot looked toward the sky, he had a specific way of telling time that way and when satisfied he agreed. "It's a bit of a drive. Past Queens."
Olivia didn't respond and Elliot accepted that. He left her in front of her aparatment while he went to bring his car around. Elliot wasn't sure if this was the right thing for Olivia at the moment, or him for that matter. All his years of service and all his training and experience with victims and he had no idea how to talk to Olivia right now.
Maybe he'd know when they got there.
"Kathy and I would bring the kids out here when they were younger, away from the city, the commotion, the daily ins and outs of just living, you know." Elliot knew the beach would be deserted this time of year and he suddenly wondered if solitude was what Olivia needed. Truth was he had no idea what Olivia needed right now and he doubted she did either. "You asked me where I went...after the shooting...it surprised me Kathy didn't know. Actually maybe it doesn't. She didn't really know me too well there at the end."
Olivia watched as Elliot seemed to automatically steer the car into a space that was familiar and his voice in contrast to the sounds of the beach made Olivia wonder if she knew him there at the end either. She watched him hesitate before turning the car off and proceeding to exit. It was only a few seconds before her door was opened and Elliot held his hand out to her. The temperature was dropping as the afternoon began to turn into evening, and Olivia could feel the sharp wind bite into her skin. She was already beginning to hate the site of the wheelchair, but knew her body would not allow her too much more activity; not today. Elliot draped his jacket over her shoulders before helping her sit.
"I want to show you something." Elliot again took her silence as a go ahead. The chilly weather made Olivia wrap her arms around herself as Elliot pushed the wheelchair onto the boardwalk. It wasn't long before Elliot stopped, positioning Olivia so she could see the ocean. He took a seat on the bench next to her and waited for a response.
For quite some time the former detectives said nothing, shared nothing verbal at all. Both well aware of the bond, the connection that existed despite their silence. They sat still and silent while the sounds of the water crashing onto the shore drowned out the city they left behind. Elliot stood and turned Olivia without notice so that her view was of the Manhattan skyline as the sun began to drop. It was impossible not to react to such a sight and what it meant to the both of them.
"Why, Elliot? I would have been there for you. I wanted to be there for you." Olivia voiced what she had wanted to know for months now if only Elliot would've returned her calls.
Elliot then turned her again to face the ocean. "If you watch the waves long enough, you can time them. Know when they will crash against the sand, know for certain how long it will take before the next arrives and then leaves again. If you let it, the water becomes an ally in your fight...kind of like backup." Elliot smiled briefly realizing Olivia was dividing her attention between the scene in front of her and what Elliot was saying.
"The sights, smells, sounds, all make sense. Then you turn and see where you came from, why you're here and nothing makes sense." Elliot reached for Olivia's hand then and was pleased when she allowed him to grasp it. "Our fight no longer made sense to me, Liv. I didn't know what we were fighting for anymore. We were risking our lives and I didn't know what for."
Olivia let her eyes scan the water as the sun gave them less and less light. The city lights behind them were becoming brighter and brighter, making the scene Elliot described harder and harder to see. "I thought you trusted me, El."
"It wasn't about trust. I wanted out and had to go then. I killed a kid. There was no amount of head shrinking that would make that okay. You weren't ready and I wasn't ready to leave you."
"But you did." Olivia's voice cracked as she spoke and she suddenly was grateful that the sunlight was now completely gone and natural darkness surrounded them. "And you left your family."
"I had to figure out who I was." Elliot's words came with a tone that admitted his actions were wrong.
"And you figured that out here?"
"Not yet, but if you listen long enough in the dark, the answers are there." Elliot believed what he said and Olivia tried to comprehend what her partner had been going through, alone, his choice.
"Is this where Alex found you?"
"Actually it was your partner that found me...detective you know..." Elliot tried to lighten the mood just a bit. "In a bar."
"Ah." Olivia closed her eyes at the irony. "Find any answers there?"
"I could ask you the same, partner." Elliot got to his feet and began to push the wheelchair back down the boardwalk towards his car. "Where do you want to go now?"
"Home. Just take me home." Olivia wanted to be angry. How dare he just desert her. How dare he judge her for her increased drinking. How dare he bring her into his world like this. There was something different about the sounds of the ocean in the darkness. Something soothing, yet stimulating. Elliot was talking in circles, or at least she was hearing him that way.
The ride back to the city was done in mostly silence. There was so much uncertainty in front of both of them that neither wanted to address any of it. Olivia listened to the waves that kept replaying in her mind and she wondered if it would be something that would help her at all. She wondered if there were any answers for her right now. It seemed Elliot still hadn't found what he was looking for. She felt guilty for interrupting his search, for needing him, wanting him to come back so badly. She thought about telling him to go, leave her be and return to whatever he was hoping to find. He chose to leave her before, surely she could make that decision now.
"I'm not leaving you, Benson." Elliot could tell his words startled her from her thoughts and he could tell by her expression he was right about what those thoughts were.