And Everything Seems Cut and Dry

Anna POV

I love them both so much. Kurama and Jake. But I can't let myself love Kurama any more than this. I can love him, that's a lost cause. But I can't be in love with him. If he's just a friend or a brother to me, it will still hurt when something goes wrong but not as much. There may be betrayal, but there won't be a way for him to use me.

What surprises me is that he admitted to having had other women. I thought he'd deny it. I mean, I already knew. He's told me he is around twelve hundred years old. To assume or pretend there weren't women would be foolish.

I don't know how long I sit leaned up against him with his arm around my shoulder. I miss Jake so much.

I sit up and pull away from him. He removes his arm from my shoulder, and I say, "If I'm not back by Friday, don't worry. I'll get myself to Dr. Takei's." I stand. I can't wait until tomorrow. I have to get away from him now. I can feel his eyes follow me as I leave, but he doesn't try to stop me.

Kurama POV

I watch her go. No one else notices. Despite what Shizuru said, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. She just keeps pushing me away. I don't understand it. "Why won't she stop pushing me away?" I mutter to myself.

"Either shut up or go away," Hiei says suddenly. I look at him, and he adds, "I don't want to listen to you wallow in misery and self-pity. It's disgusting."

"What?"

"Anna sits over here and never says anything, which is perfectly fine by me. But I can sense her general mood. At first it was always tense and negative. But lately it's been positive and negative and a bunch of other things. But she still keeps it to herself. Unlike you, fox boy. You're happy until she leaves, then you get depressed. It's pathetic. And you can't even keep it to yourself. And it's not like she's really pushing you away. You just hugged her, and she never retaliated."

His words are so harsh. But he's right. She never got mad at me for touching her. Does that mean she isn't really pushing me away, that's just how I'm interpreting it?

"It's disgusting how hopeful you are now," Hiei mutters.

Friday, seven thirty p.m...

Anna suddenly walks in. Finally. I couldn't help but worry. I didn't wait on the porch. But I still worried. "Anna!" I say standing up.

"Hey." She collapses on a couch. She looks at me. "I don't understand why you worried."

I grimace. Of course she knows. "I tried to relax. I tried not to worry. I failed."

"Obviously."

"Did you go to your appointment?" I change the subject.

"Yes," she answers. "I caught a ride from a lady in a pickup truck."

"You hitchhiked?" I knew there was a reason I should be worried.

"Sure. That's how I got from place to place back in the states. If I get a bad feeling about someone, I tell them I'm walking cross-country and I just want to know where I am." She shrugs. "It works. No one's ever tried anything." I always forget. Self-preservation is Anna's thing.

She stands. "Well, I must be going." What? She's leaving already? Then she finishes, "I really need a shower. Dr. Takei didn't say anything, but I could tell she thought I smelled bad." Oh. She's not leaving. She's just leaving the room. That's okay.

Anna POV

While I was out there I realized… Kurama sees the world in a different way than I do.

It's like everything's in black and white to him. Either I'm in love with him, or I don't love him at all. He can't see that I do love him, despite my best efforts. He can't see that, right now, I can only keep myself from falling for him by letting him hold Jake's position, so I can love him as a brother rather than… But I don't know how long it will work. Its effectiveness is already starting to fade. It's all so confusing. And none of it is black or white. All of it is foggy and colored in shades of gray.

I don't understand how he got past my defenses. I was careful, meticulous even. There shouldn't have been any holes. But he found one. Or made one.

I don't know! All I know is that I care about him no matter how I try not to.

I turn off the water, dry and dress. I step out of the bathroom, and he is there, waiting for me. "That's really creepy," I tell him. Yet for some reason, I'm not angry. And that frustrates me.

He looks at me, trying to see if I'm angry with him or not. He comes to a conclusion and says, "If you don't give me a chance, I might have to resort to stalking."

Did he really just say that? Yes. And I find it amusing for some strange reason. I smile. All the amusement slides off his face. His eyes flicker all across my face. Then he smiles. I have never seen him so obviously happy. "What?" I ask.

"You smiled," he answers.

"And that results in you grinning like a fool how?" I ask as I stop smiling.

His happiness doesn't lessen. "You've never smiled at me before. Not a smile of real happiness when you're not drunk," he says.

"You're ridiculous." I turn away before he can see my smile. Why am I happy? Because he's happy? "I'm hungry," I say. Why is my heart fluttering? More importantly, why do I have this sudden urge to kiss him?

I know why. It's because the way he seems to see the world is right. Either I'm in love with him, or I don't love him at all. And I do love him. Why do I love him?

Hurrah, hurrah, there you have it. Anna and Dr. Takei I own, the others I do not, but you guys are smart and already knew that.

Foxgirl Ray: First, if you ever have an idea I will always be happy to hear it. Or you can just rattle off randomness and it might give me an idea. Second, do you know how happy it makes me that you can say this is your favorite of my stories? That means you've read more than one. I mean, I already knew that but...never mind, I'm just confusing myself now. Glad you liked the comparison; that seemed very important to me, as far as the overall storyline goes. I'm not sure why, but it does...

Angel of Randomosity: Glad you like Anna so much! She...well, I was going to say she appreciates it, since she's one of those characters who writes herself, but I honestly haven't been very successful at getting into her head and figuring out why she does what she does... Is it bad that even I, the author, don't have any kind of control over or understanding of Anna?

animegrlsteph: Let's just see if they continue to get along, shall we?

Kaori Minamino: What will Kurama do when he doesn't have to fight for her affection? That is a very interesting question...one that I couldn't give an answer to, even if I wanted to. I am also happy you like seeing all this from both points of view. When I got ready to write this story, I wasn't sure about the perspective. It's often hard to write switching back and forth, but strangely enough this story isn't. But I'm off on a tangent. What was I even trying to say? Oh, yes. I was initially going to write this story in third person, but that didn't seem to be enough, and their perspectives are so different. But I wasn't sure if it would be effective. What am I even talking about anymore?