Buttowski of Seville

Summary: Mr. Seville, the proud owner of Seville's Barber Palace ends up getting send to the hospital after getting abused by Peter Griffin, thus forcing Kick to take over the shop until Mr. Seville can recover.

It was a typical day in Mellowbrook as the Buttowskis go downtown to go to their respective hair appointments. Honey and Brianna are going to the salon to try out different hairstyles while Brad, Harold and Kick are left to go to the barber shop for a haircut. The barber shop is considered every male's worst nightmare. Whenever a man asked the barber to just cut a little bit off the top, he (ironically) ended up getting bald. Plus the tools that are required to shave off a mustache or hair are very sharp and dangerous. It's like Sweeney Todd all over again.

"But I don't want to get a haircut!" Brad whined as he, Harold and Kick enter Seville's Barber Palace, one of the most popular barber shops in Mellowbrook.

"Now Brad, you need a haircut," Harold replied. "Your hair is getting messier and longer. It's bad for the scalp in your head."

Brad, Harold and Kick each took their respective seats and while they wait, they saw a round shaped, overweight man with a large white mustache and beard. He's short and he seems jolly.

"Boys," Harold spoke. "This is Mr. Seville, the owner of this place."

Mr. Seville: How do?

Welcome to my shop,
Let me cut your mop,
Let me shave your crop
Daintily, daintily

Mr. Seville began to ran towards Brad who is getting a little nervous.

Mr. Seville: Hey you!

Don't look so perplexed,
Why must you be vexed,
Can't you see you're next
Yes you're next, you're so next

How about a nice close shave
Teach your whiskers to behave
Lots of lather lots of soap
Please hold still don't be a dope

Now we're ready for the scraping
There's no use to try escaping
Yell & scream & rant & rave
It's no use you need a shave

"AHHH!" Brad screames as Mr. Seville proceeds to give Brad a haircut with the occasional use of shaving. " THE SHAVING CREAM! IT BURNS!"

Mr. Seville: There, you're nice and clean

Kick: Although Brad's face looks like it might have gone through a machine

"Zip it dillweed!" Brad shouted. "Your next on this one! Yeah Brad!"

"Don't you worry Kick," Mr. Seville said as he approaches Kick. "Yours will not be as painful as your brother's. First, remove the helmet."

Kick nods as he takes off his helmet to reveal messy brown hair which apparently have grown longer.

"Oy! Your hair have grown ze little longer." Mr. Seville replied as he took out a pair of scissors. "Which means that I will cut ze little bit off from ze top."

"Am I going to end up being bald?" Kick asked.

"Only if you are ze customer of ze local barber shop from Quahog, my friend. Barbers in Quahog are lousy and misunderstood. Whenever ze customer request to have ze little bit of his hair cut off, he will most likely ended up being bald. That is why in here, you won't suffer ze same fate like ze others."

Mr. Seville then proceed to cut little bits of hair off from Kick. Kick suffers less harm than Brad did.

"So what do you think Kick?" Mr. Seville asked Kick whose hair is now a little shorter, but retains its messy state.

"It's still as awesome as ever," Kick replied. "There's no better barber than you."

"Why thank you Kick. You are forever ze honest one."

()()()()()

Meanwhile, Honey and Brianna are enjoying themselves as the workers of the salon don various hairstyles for them. But they didn't notice that a certain pevert from Quahog have joined in the party. It is no other than Quagmire and along with him is Peter Griffin.

"Ahh the hair salon." Quagmire said joyfully. "A woman's paradise."

"They'rer so full of hot babes." Peter said gleefully.

Quagmire's eyes then caught sight of Honey, Brianna and all the female workers at the salon.

"And it looks like I've hit the jackpot! Giggity, giggity goo!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!" yelled a certain female voice.

Please don't let it be her, please don't let it be her. Peter thought.

But when Quagmire and Peter saw the female who yelled at them, it was no other than Avery Buttowski.

"Are you some sort of Peeping Toms?" Avery yelled. "Didn't you read the sign?"

"What sign Buttowski?" Quagmire asked innocently.

"Don't play dumb with me wiseguy."

Avery shows Quagmire and Peter the sigh which reads.

"Under any circumstances, do NOT let Glen Quagmire of Quahog, Rhode Island enter this hair salon EVER! If he manages to get inside the salon, do NOT contact the police. Contact the FBI at once!"

"Well at least I can get in anytime I want." Peter said stupidly.

"Not exactly fatass!" Avery barked again. "Read the sign again."

Peter looked at the sign again and was horrified to read it.

"If necessary, do NOT let Peter Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island enter this hair salon. If he gets inside, contact the FBI immediately."

"No fair!" Peter whined like a spoiled brat as he and Quagmire leave the salon. "I hate you! I hate you!"

"Don't cry Peter," Quagmire said as he and Peter spotted Seville's Barber Palace. "I bet there are babes there instead. Oh yeah!"

But as Quagmire and Peter enter Seville's Barber Palace, all they saw were the Buttowski men and Mr. Seville.

"Now this looks like a paradise for ugly people," Peter mocked which caught the attention of both the Buttowski men and Mr. Seville.

"Quahog citizens!" Mr. Seville yelled after taking a good look at Peter and Quagmire.

"And well, well, well if it isn't the ugliest man in the world, Mr. Seville," Peter mocked again as he continues to mock Mr. Seville by using a British accent. "How say that you have a great career when you're fat and ugly and everybody hates you hmm?"

"Sacre bleu! You dare to insult me, the proud owner of Seville's Barber Palace?"

"Well at least you can say that. Why don't you do this world a favor and drop dead already?"

"Why don't you drop dead fatass!" Brad yelled at Peter. "Yeah Brad!"

"Shut up Brad!" Peter replied to Brad.

"HEY!" Kick yelled at Peter as well as he kicks Peter in the knee. "No one talks to my brother like that you big fatass!"

"Why don't you shut up and drop dead you ugly midget!" Peter yelled at Kick as he punched Kick in the face. "Seriously, you're way uglier than Meg."

"Don't you dare talk to my sons like that you horrible excuse of a father!" Harold yelled as well.

"What are you going to do about it stick man?" Peter mocked Harold. "If we're going to fight, I'd win easily since I'll squash you like a bug."

"Don't you dare talk to my customers like that you big, fat retard!" Mr. Seville yelled at Peter once more. "I will have you banned from my shop, even if it would cost me my life!"

"Your life eh?" Peter spoke again as he pumps his fatty hands. "Well here's a little something for you."

Peter then punchs Mr. Seville in the face and then, he kept on punching him several times until Mr. Seville is out cold.

"Now you're dead." Peter laugh as he and Quagmire left the shop.

()()()()()

At Mellowbrook Hospital, Kick Brad and Harold are in Mr. Seville's room where Mr. Seville is covered in bandages from all the bruises that he recieved from Peter.

"I'm afraid I can't continue business as long as I am wrapped up like a mummy," Mr. Seville spoke weakly. "So I'd only ask once for someone to take over my business until I am back on my feet again."

"My sons are too young," Harold spoke. "I'll take over."

"That is wise, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline your decision. I need someone who is fast and keeps the customers from growing impatient. Someone who is always active and quick on his feet."

Harold, Kick and Brad shared confused looks. Who is Mr. Seville referring to anyway?

"Kick Buttowski," Mr. Seville spoke again. "Will you take over my business until I'm recovered?"

"It may be a lot of work, and the fact that I'm only 13," Kick spoke before giving his signature pose. "But after what the fatass did to you, I won't let him get away with that. I'll do it, for your sake."

()()()()()

Gunther is happily strolling down the sidewalk when he decided to take a rest in front of Mr. Seville's Barber Palace. But he didn't know that inside the shop, Kick is at work and is working on a customer's hair.

"I did not see that coming," Gunther said as he steps inside the barber shop.

Kick was finishing up the customer's hair when Gunther dropped by.

"Kick," Gunther spoke.

"Hey Gunther," Kick replied.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm the substitute barber, until Mr. Seville gets out of the hospital." Kick then turns to his customer. "So what do you think sir?"

"Excellent work my boy." the customer replied happily. "I do wish for Mr. Seville to get well soon though. How much do I pay you?"

"That'll be one dollar sir."

"Cheap but wise."

The customer gives Kick a dollar and then walks out of the shop. Gunther is surprised at this, but he'll have to admit that Kick really knows what he's doing.

()()()()()

Meanwhile, outside of Mr. Seville's Barber Palace, Peter is forced to go into the barber shop by Brian the dog.

"But I don't want to get a haircut Brian," Peter whined. "Make Chris get a haircut."

"Peter you need to get a haircut." Brian spoke firmly. "We don't want Lois to think that you're a total slob when we go and visit her in prison."

"Why is Lois in prison?"

"Didn't you read Chapter 15: Billy Gets Busted? What she had done in that chapter is the reason why she's in prison."

"Oh."

"Now quit being a baby and get a haircut. You're getting on my nerves."

"I hate you. I hate you even more than I hate Meg for being so ugly."

Peter then went inside Mr. Seville's Barber Palace to get a haircut. But as he walks inside, he didn't expect Kick to be the barber for the day. Kick didn't expect Peter to be his customer and boy he is less than happy to serve that arrogant bastard.

"Well, well, well if it isn't the ugly midget again?" Peter mocked Kick.

"What kind of hairdo would you want sir?" Kick asked in an angry tone. "A little off the top?"

"I want you to give me your best shot." Peter demanded. "Something that is good-looking and popular in society. I don't want those ugly hairdos that ugly people have. I want to look handsome, not ugly like Meg."

"So you want a popular hairdo?"

"Yes."

"Sir this is a barber shop, not a hair salon. If you want to get a popular hairdo, I'd suggest you go to a hair salon."

"But they won't let me. So give me THE HAIRDO!" Peter yelled like a spoiled brat.

"Whatever you say sir."

"But remove the helmet first." Peter demanded.

"Your helmet or mine?" Kick asked.

"Mine. And get going!"

Kick sighed as he took Peter's helmet off to reveal messy, disgusting hair, covered with white stuff. It makes Kick want to vomit in a bathroom sink.

"And make sure you get my hair cleaned." Peter demanded again. "I don't want people to think that I'm the new Meg."

Kick couldn't help but to growl as he prepares to wash Peter's hair. A dozen trips to the bathroom sink later, Kick managed to get Peter's hair cleaned. But before he could give Peter a haircut, Peter is again acting like a spoiled brat.

"I want a lollipop!" Peter yelled childlishly.

"We don't sell lollipops here." Kick replied. "There are rules in this place."

"Then get me one right now!"

Kick sighed as he went out to get a lollipop for the fat bastard. But by the time he returned, Peter is still being demanding.

"Dance for me!" Peter demanded again as he gives Kick an Arabian dancer's outfit. "And wear this to amuse me."

"Is that really necessary?" Kick asked.

"To me, yes. NOW DANCE!"

Kick had no choice but to put on the harem outfit and dance for Peter. It was embarrasing. Peter giggles as Kick continues to dance, but when the dance is over and when Kick went back to wearing his regular jumpsuit, Kick now prepares to give Peter the haircut that he'll never forget.

"Now it's time to give you the haircut you'll never forget." Kick said as he proceeds to lather Peter's face, chin, mouth and ocassionally the shoes. This was at one point Peter starts to get scared.

(A/N: to find that kind of song, look up "Woody Woodpecker Barber of Seville" on Youtube.)

Kick: Largo al factotum della citta, largo!
La la la la la la la la la, LA!
Prestp a bottega chele l'alba e gia, presto
La la la la la la la la la, LA

Fortunatissimo per verita!
Fortunatissimo per verita!
La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la!

Peter is a bit angry at Kick's work but soon gets a little terrified when Kick pulls out a sharp razor.

Kick: Pronto a far tutto
la notte e il giorn
sempre d'intorno in giro sta
Miglior cuccagna per un barbiere,
vita piu nobile, no, non si da.

La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la!

"Hey!" Peter cried. "Take it easy."

Kick: Rasori e pettini
lancette e forbici,
al mio comando
tutto qui sta.
Rasori e pettini
lancette e forbici,
al mio comando
tutto qui sta.

Then Peter starts getting more afraid as Kick then proceeds to shave him, with a sharp razor.

Kick: V'è la risorsa
poi, de mestiere
Colla donnetta
Col cavaliere

Colla donnetta,
la la hmm hmm hmm la la la
Col cavaliere La la la la
la la LA

Peter is now scared as he tries to run away from Kick who is now acting like Sweeney Todd.

Kick: Tutti mi chiedono, tutti mi vogliono
donne, ragazzi, vechhi, fanciulle:

Qua la parrucca... presto la barba...
Qua la sanguigna...
Presto il biglietto...

Tutti mi chiedono
tutti mi vogliono
Tutti mi chiedono
tutti mi vogliono

Qua la parrucca... presto la barba...
Presto il biglietto ehi!

Figaro! Figaro!
Figaro! Figaro!
Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!
FIGARO!

"Coming mother." Peter replied while in disguised, but Kick managed to find him and proceeded on giving him the treatment.

Kick: Figaro qua, Figaro là,
Figaro su, Figaro giù,
Figaro qua, Figaro là,
Figaro su, Figaro giù,

Pronto prontissimo son come il fulmine:
sono il factotum della città
Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo;
a te fortuna non mancherà

Ah, bravo Figaro! Bravo, bravissimo;
a te fortuna non mancherà
Sono il factotum della città
Sono il factotum della citta

Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-HAA-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Peter couldn't take it anymore that he ran out of Mr. Seville's Barber Palace as fast as he can and screamed like a little baby as he ran from the shop. Kendall is one of the first few outsiders to notice Peter's behavior.

"Stay away from that place!" Peter tried to warn Kendall. "Your boyfriend's crazy! He tried to kill me with that sharp tool he used for shaving! He tried to kill me I tell ya! Dump him now while you have the chance! Save yourself!"

All Kendall did was give Peter a confused look as Peter continues running away from the barber shop. She took one good look at the barber shop and was a bit surprised that Peter's story was a little true. Kick did try to kill Peter though, according to the mess he and Peter did, but maybe for a reason that Peter did started ticked Kick off by being a spoiled brat and that he did send Mr. Seville to the hospital for defending his customers. But whose side is Kendall on anyway? Although Kick may be wrong for trying to kill Peter, but Peter himself is actually quite wrong as well as he did ticked Kick off and abused Mr. Seville. In other words, Peter lost the battle and Kick won.

Kendall took another look at Kick and was a bit surprised that Kick isn't ashamed of either the mess he made in the shop or the fact that he got his exact revenge on Peter. It turns out that Kick is confident as he takes a bite out of a random carrot and said something that Kendall had not heard before.

"Eh, next!"

()()()()()

Extra Scene:

Brian is reading the newspaper back in Quahog when a scared Peter ran inside the house.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Brian asked Peter. "You're acting like a five-year old."

"The barber shop is EVIL!" Peter cried. "Kick tried to kill me!"

"You and your childish fairy-tales. Lois would love to heard all about it when we go visit her in prison."

"Do you think that she'll believe me?"

"Only a fool would believe in fairy-tales."

"I believe in fairy-tales!" Chris Griffin shouted.

Brian sighed in defeat.

"Both of you go upstairs and get ready." Brian said . "We'll be leaving to go visit Lois in prison in a few hours. And don't forget to get Stewie ready as well."