"Stop pinching my ass!"
Deidara looked up at the man who had finally snapped in anger at him and gave him large smile in return.
This was hilarious.
Well, not for Sasori it wasn't. If anyone was going to pinch his behind it had better be a cute flirty girl! Certainly not some little brat with razor sharp fingernails.
Where had he even learned this awful habit from in the first place? If you could even call it a habit since it was more like a game to the boy. It started off as little pats here and there. Then quickly turned into pinching, harsh slaps and even shoves!
What was with all the butt touching!?
"I'm the bum monster, un!" Deidara growled happily as he threw himself at his Danna's legs. "Gonna get your bum, get your bum!" And with that his hand snuck around his Danna's hips, more then happy to give the rump a good squeeze.
Crinkling his face in distaste at both the boys face of pleasure at his suffering and the complete disregard for what he just said, Sasori sighed, turned around and got back to cutting up vegetables for the nights dinner. He would have to really talk to the boy later on tonight since he was busy at the moment. All he could do for now was just hoped that the boy would keep his hands to himself when his guests came over.
Guests? Yes! It was going to be a little more special than the usual dinner for two. Konan and her boyfriend, both friends of his, were coming over so he thought he'd cook up something tasty. Certainly not the usual trash he made since he was often too lazy or too tired to cook anything else.
That was one good things he learned from the tiring job of Deidara-care. Cooking. A lot of it. While the child was indeed quite fond of the previously stated quick meals and other garbage, there were other times he was a picky little shit where the food would go anywhere but his mouth. Which was a tad weird because everything that was not food always went in his mouth if he wasn't being watched very carefully.
By the way, some places that were anywhere but his mouth are; nose, ears, floor, Danna, belly button and smeared on the underside of the table. Basically where you would think food doesn't go, it goes.
"Mmm! Dinner smells good, Danna!" Deidara complimented happily and as if he wasn't currently pounding his hand on Sasori's left butt cheek. "When is Konan coming over so we can play-ay, un?"
"She's not coming to play with you." Sasori grumbled wiggling his hips in an awkward way, hoping Deidara would get the message to leave his ass alone. "However I do have a hunch that she will anyway."
Plunging his hand into his mouth, Deidara swayed side to side. "An she's bringin a friend, right?" He asked a little muffled from chewing a finger, cautiously touching a certain tooth in particular.
Sasori switched away from working with vegetables, grabbed a piece of meat out of it's package and put it on the cutting board. "Yep, his name is Yahiko, but we call him Pain." He muttered as he focused on molding the meat into patties.
Deidara furrowed his eyebrows as he momentarily halted the bum touching. "Pain like the hurty?" He asked, incredibly confused as to why someone would want to be called that.
"Uh-huh." Sasori answered placing the the meat patties into a pan to cook. "And do you know what else is a Pain?" He asked turning around holding his arms up being careful not to touch anything with raw meat hands.
"Fire?"
"Yes that." Sasori agreed with the boys opinion on fire being a pain as he washed his hands throughly. "But pinching and hitting my ass is also a pain so you had better stop right now!" He hissed while he quickly turned around to flick the excess water on his hands in the blond face.
"Agh! Watery! I'm meltin, un!" Deidara gurgled as he slowly melted to the floor to lie there, pretending to play dead.
Sasori dried the rest of his hands in a tea towel and shook his head at the pile of melted boy that remained on the floor. Raising a spatula momentarily, he then lowered it and pointed it downward at the deceased child. "Good. The little brat is nothing more than a mushy mess."
"Mushy-ushy mess..." Deidara whispered as soon as his Danna turned around to give the cooking patty a quick flip. Rolling onto his back to look back up at his Danna, he blew a spit bubble and smiled up at him.
Glancing back to see the excessive drool pooling around the child's mouth, Sasori stuck his tongue out at Deidara in retaliation, making him laugh. Then using his foot to push the boy closer to the kitchen table, moving him so he would be out of the way while he continued to cook.
The last thing he needed was to trip on the gross pile of baby mush.
Deidara was more that okay beinh moved. He simply enjoyed the shove as he slid across the floor, even going as far as to ask to be kicked again.
Checking on the food one last time, Sasori poured the sauce over the partially cooked meat and turned it down to a lower setting so it could finish cooking. Now that was done he started to set the table in preparation for his guests. Goodness gracious, he felt like such an adult hosting this small dinner gathering.
"Deidara, care to help set the table?" He asked putting three large plates and one smaller plastic plate, with a dinosaur on it, onto the table.
"Me help! Me help!" Deidara squealed, hopping up off the floor. As he got up, he didn't miss his chance at grabbing Sasori's bum as he was bent over placing the silverware on the far end of the table.
"Konan is gonna sit besides me, un!" He yelled putting the plates in their places, making sure his Danna understood that he was going to sit beside her no matter what. No ifs, ands, or buts. Konan was his seat buddy for the evening.
Sasori groaned at the pinch but did a better job at ignoring it this time. He really didn't need Deidara telling Konan that he was being mean. She was a nice and highly attractive woman, but she had one hell of a punch that he could really live without ever feeling again.
"I wonder if she lifts weights..." Sasori muttered under his breath before chuckling to himself. "Yeah right, I bet the only thing she lifts are shopping bags."
"What'cha say, Danna?"
Sasori swore under his breath again as he remembered the child was in the room. He bit his lip as he realized that he really needed to do a better job at keeping his sexist remarks to himself. Suddenly and luckily for the redhead, the sound of a vehicle caught the boy's attention.
"Car! Car! I hear a car, un!" Deidara squealed in delight as he ran out of the kitchen and into the adjoining living room to look out the front window. "Car! Car! I see Konan in the car!"
Sasori rolled his eyes at Deidara's puppy-like behaviour and followed him to look out the window. He made sure to wave as he made eye contact with Konan and her boyfriend.
"She's holdin somethin! It looks like cake!" Deidara yelled as he shook Sasori's excitedly. "She brought cake! Konan has ca-aake! She's the best, un!" And with that he got up and ran to the back door that lead into the kitchen where he knew the wonderful woman would be entering.
"Deidara!" She cheered as the door was flung open and she saw her little lovebug standing there and dancing in his place from being so so super duper excited.
"Cake, un!" Deidara yelled back at her with his eyes glued on the glass dish that was indeed holding a cake.
Konan laughed at his instant reaction to the treat in her hands. "I brought chocolate cake!~" She spoke in a baby voice bringing it down so the child could get a better look.
"Yeah, I seended! Konan's the best!" Deidara cheered as he lunged at her leg.
It was good for her that Sasori showed up to swipe the cake from her so she wouldn't topple over at the sudden love attack.
"Kissies!" Deidara demanded immediately after being picked up. He puckered up his tiny lips so he could he could get a little sugar from his favorite gal pal.
"Kissies?"
Suddenly the tender hugs and the soon-to-be sweet kiss was brought to a crashing halt as someone came up from behind Konan. Deidara looked over at the stranger and instantly looked in the other direction where he thankfully saw his Danna standing very close, and now empty handed. Quickly he dove from Konan's arms into Sasori's arms, climbing up to shove his face into his neck.
The stranger was dressed well, exactly as if he were going to a dinner party. However what really stood out was that the man had chunks of metal in his face! A lot of it, too! His eyes were cold and in a tough glare, almost as if he wasn't happy to be seeing what he was seeing. Which was only a whole lotta sweet lovin.
All in all, this new guy was totally scary!
"Hey Pain." Sasori greeted his friend as he shuffled the small boy around in his arms so he could shake his guest's hand.
It was then Deidara realized he made a grave mistake in leaving Konan's strong arms. Like honestly, out of the two adults in his life, who was going to do a better job protecting him? Weak little Danna or big strong Warrior Princess Konan?
The new guy named Pain remade eye contact with Deidara as he peeked up from his Danna's neck. Raising his eyebrows at the awkward little boy, he poked the kids arm and scoffed. "Who do you think you are trying to kiss another guy's girlfriend?"
"Un?" Deidara grunted peeking out a little more before hiding his face again.
Pain poked the boy again, a little harsher this time, as he stepped closer. "Is that what you do? Act cute and then run and hide when you realize the girl has a boyfriend?"
"Boyfwend?" Deidara asked confused since he had never heard the words 'boy' and 'friend' used like that. Same as Girlfriend! Weren't people just friends? Friend-friends?
"Yeah, I'm her boyfriend and you should really stop hitting on my lady." He sneered leaning in and getting too close for Deidara's comfort. "Or you'll be sorry, buddy."
Why wasn't anyone saving him! Danna and Konan looked like this was humorous to them! This wasn't funny at all. No, no! He sorta expected his behaviour from his Danna, certainly not from his dear Warrior Princess.
This big, scary, new guy was going to beat him up for being friends with Konan. He didn't want to be beat up! He just wanted to play, he just wanted to be held, he just wanted to -
"Uuuuuuuh." Deidara broke down as the sad little whine rippled up from his throat. Tears immediately pooled in his eyes and he quickly crammed his fist into his mouth. Then it happened. The loud ear shattering scream of pure distress as the gloppy tears burst from their happy home in his eyes and poured down his fat cheeks.
If no one was going to help him ward off this creep, he would have to do it himself in the only way he knew how...
"WAHHH!"
...By crying.
"Oh shit! He's really, really crying!" Pain yelped as he jumped back waving his arms. "I was just teasing! Teasing! You can play with and kiss my Girlfriend, it's okay, kiddo!"
Too bad that didn't help. The screaming didn't stop, didn't let up, not even a teeny tiny bit.
"Wow Pain, way to be a jackass." Sasori hissed moving the little guy in his arms so that he was in a tight bear hug, his face lodged firmly in his neck.
Rocking him back and forth as he swaddled Deidara, he made sure to leave the room so the boy could calm down. Besides, having Deidara be around the guy who just made him scream and cry didn't seem like the most logical idea at the moment. Not to mention that by now, Sasori had a general understanding how to care for the finicky boy.
"Jeeze, what's up with that kid - ouch!" Pain yelled in pain as he jumped in his place holding his crushed foot.
"That was so mean!" Konan hissed jabbing her finger into her boyfriend's stomach. "You better go see my lovebug when he's done crying and apologize for bullying him!"
"Y'know, you laughed!" He yelled in defense but only received another hit.
Rolling his eyes, Pain kicked his shoes off and made his way through the kitchen and down the hallway, following the sounds of the wee little sobs. Peeking into a room he spotted Sasori relaxing on a kiddie bed with Deidara firmly latched onto him.
"Wow man, you weren't joking when you said you did everything for the kid." Pain mentioned walking into the room that obviously belonged to the child. He looked at two a little better and marveled at how fast Sasori had turned on his responsible adult mode. It was a big difference from the asshole-creep he knew from school.
On the other end of the room, hearing the mans voice Deidara's head jerked up and at the sight of the man he began to cry louder once again. "Un~ Danna!" He whimpered clinging on tighter as Sasori sat up.
The last thing he wanted was to lose grip on the guy who was going to protect him from this mean and stinky stranger.
"Hey... Buddy..." Pain mumbled sitting on the end edge of the bed since if he were to sit closer he would be sitting on the safety railing that prevented Deidara from rolling out.
Deidara whined as he was forcefully pulled away and turned around so he could face the guest in his bedroom. "Un." He grunted sadly as he was held by Sasori so tightly that he couldn't hide anymore.
"I uh, was just teasing you about being close with Konan." Pain sighed rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't mind you being friends at her, I'm sorry for... Hurting your feelings?"
"You vewy scawy, un." Deidara stated in a grumpy manner, lip sticking out even further as he rubbed his drippy nose with the sleeve of his shirt.
Sasori snorted at his friend being called scary and pushed past him as he got up off the end bed, leaving Deidara behind much to his displeasure. "You got snot on your shirt Dei, that's so gross." He mumbled grabbing a new shirt from one of the drawers. "Arms up!" He then commanded as he came back to yank off the dirtied shirt.
While getting his shirt changed, Deidara eyed up the man sitting uncomfortably on his bed and fiddle with his naked belly. "I assept your apolgy." He finally said popping his head through the clean shirt that was being put on him. "You shouldn't treat Konan like your poperty though, that's really mean, un."
Pain blinked a few times. "Huh?"
Deidara sighed. "She's a human. Not a doggy or kitty or a birdie or a toyah."
Scoffing at this crap, Pain narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "What the heck - "
"Oh you sweet little BABY!" Konan cried running in from the doorway, pushing her boyfriend out of the way and swooping up her lovebug up into her arms. Pressing little kisses on his cheek she hugged him tight. "You know just what a girl likes to hear!" She swooned, getting her fingers up his shirt to lightly pinch his stomach.
With that she turned her head and gave his boyfriend a nasty glare that said more than words ever could. The look spoke as if he was absolutely going to lose some 'special' privileges. No discussions about it.
Pain watched in shock as he was made to look bad in front of his girl. "Sasori what the heck just happened!?" He asked his friend, hopping up and giving him a shove in disbelief that this had just happened. "This brat just turned my lady against me!"
"Yeah..." Sasori chuckled sadly throwing the soiled shirt into the laundry basket located in the corner of the room. "It's his superpower to make women hate you."
"Oh! By the way Sasori," Konan spoke up still bouncing the blond on her hip. "I checked on the food and I think it might be done."
Sasori thanked her, grabbed a tissue off the dresser and walked over to wipe Deidara's nose. "Blow!" He commanded repeatedly until the boy finally did as he was told. "Good boy. Use tissues, not sleeves."
"Mm! I smell nummies, un!" The blond cheered, wiggling back and forth being excited he could once again smell now that his nose was clear.
"Well then, let's go eat the yummy nummies." Konan giggled taking the boy out of the room with him still in her arms.
As they sat around the table, Konan continued to coo as she watched Deidara eat. "He's so cute when he's eating." She spoke up, pursing her lips as he she used a napkin to wipe at his cute little face.
"Yeah he's cute because he's not talking." Sasori remarked taking a bite of his own meal. He was a little bitter no one was complimenting him on how cute he looked when he ate... And by the look on Pain's face, he was feeling the same.
"That was the best, Danna! I love hambugga steak, un."
"I'm glad you liked it." Sasori smiled taking away the empty dishes and putting them into the dishwasher. "Konan would you like to serve the cake?"
"Cake!?"
Konan laughed at the boys reaction. it was almost as if he forgot all about the treat. She patted his head as she stood up and got a few smaller plates from the cupboard -
"Me help! Me help!" Deidara yelled climbing down from his chair to help her set the table.
"Thank you shweetie!" She said in her powerful babyvoice. Handing the boy some silverware, she carried the plates, knife and the cake to the table to cut. As she finished, she spotted Deidara leaning over the table to hand Pain, who was siting at the far end, his fork.
"The bum monster got your bum!" She giggled giving the little tushie a pinch.
Deidara squealed in delight and his bottom was tickled. "My bum! My bum!"
"I'm gonna get your bum, get your bum!" She continued giving it a few more pinches, as well as a few kisses in the crook of his neck causing him to burst into a riot of giggles.
The love between the two was stopped again for the second time that day.
"Did you just...pinch his bum..." Sasori spoke darkly, his fringe dipping down into his eyes. "And say you're the bum monster?"
She froze still holding Deidara in her clutches and looked towards the angry sounding redhead. "Uh, yeah?"
A vein popped on his head.
"YOU'RE THE REASON HE KEEPS GRABBING MY ASS." He accused throwing a hand towel that he had been using at her head.
Not being able to get mad at getting the chunk of cloth being thrown at her since it was indeed her doing. She instead focused on, and laughed at the idea of Deidara being the bum monster going after the prudish-Sasori's butt. It was quite obvious the boy had gone a little overboard with the pinching if he were to make Sasori have a bit of a crazy look in his eyes.
"I'm the bum monster." Deidara snickered looking over and making eye contact with Pain who had already started serving himself a slice of cake. "Rah!"
It was all of a sudden very clear to Pain who ran the house now. Sighing, he could both respect that and feel a bit bad for his friend. "Rah." He spoke back nodding like he were agreeing with the boy. Moving the slice of cake he got for himself, he slid it over to the small blond. "Rah..."
Yeah, who ran the house anyway?
konan is into the babybum pinching, gasp. a special part two, will come tomorrow or something. it will be quite short.