Chapter Twenty Five

"Ouch! Fuck!" Joey squeaked when she accidentally knocked her hand against her boiling pan of rice.

Moving over to the sink, she ran her hand under cold water, cursing herself for being so clumsy. She had made a chilli for herself and Charlie and she had decided that tonight would be the night that she revealed everything she had been holding back. All she hoped was that Charlie could still love her when she knew the truth. Drying her hands, she checked her pots and then moved into the bathroom to check her reflection. She ran a brush through her hair, eyeing herself critically.

"Okay," she began to practice. "I've got something to tell you. Something bad. No, that's not right. Um... hey, Charlie, wanna know a secret? Ugh! That sucks! Charlie, I know I've been..."

"Do you usually talk to your reflection?" said a voice behind her.

Joey swore in fright, spinning round and coming face to face with her girlfriend.

"You scared me!" she said.

Charlie grinned and hugged her, apologising before pointing out that if she didn't want her to just walk in, then she really shouldn't have given her a key.

"No-one likes a smart arse," Joey teased, pulling her in for a kiss.

Charlie smiled, resting their foreheads together.

"You do," she said.

"Point taken," Joey agreed.

She took Charlie's hand and led her out of the bathroom.

"Oh!" she shrieked, letting go of Charlie and racing towards the stove to rescue her over boiling rice pain.

Charlie stood back and watched.

"You cooked?" she asked sceptically.

"Just about," Joey said, looking a little helpless.

Charlie moved to help her.

"So, what's all this in aid of?" she asked, trying to block Angelo's words out of her mind.

"I um... I need to tell you some stuff," Joey said awkwardly.

"Like what?"

"Let's eat first and then... then we can talk. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Charlie replied.

After they had eaten, Charlie asked what was on Joey's mind. She wasn't even sure she wanted to hear it and Angelo's accusations were still plaguing her. Not for one minute did she believe that Joey was a murderer but his story had been pretty strong and he'd tried to be as convincing as possible. Still, gazing into Joey's eyes, she couldn't help but trust her. How could someone so incredible be a bad person?

"Okay so... I didn't really have time to practice," Joey ventured. "But..."

Suddenly she leaned in and kissed Charlie, taking her breath away. She pulled back and apologised.

"There's a very strong risk that you're going to hate me after this so I needed to kiss you while I could," she admitted. "Sorry."

Charlie smiled and took her hand, assuring her that it would take a lot to make her hate her. Like killing someone? the police officer wondered. She forced herself to focus on Joey's beautiful face, concerned by the fear in her eyes.

"I um... well, I don't really know how to say this. When I tried to explain myself to someone before, he hated me. And I so desperately don't want to you hate me."

"Why don't you just start at the beginning?" Charlie suggested. "Unless... is it something illegal? If it is, then I don't think I want to know. Is it illegal?"

Joey nodded.

"Okay, maybe you shouldn't tell me," Charlie said anxiously. "Because as a police officer, I'd be obligated to..."

"I'll take the consequences," Joey said, retaining hold of Charlie's hand. "If we're going to be together then I can't bear for there to be secrets between us, not with someone I love so much."

"Okay..." Charlie said uncertainly.

"Right, um... okay, well, the beginning," Joey said. "I... I wanted to tell you about the fire."

Charlie nodded, gazing into Joey's eyes.

"I guess it all starts with my Dad. Well, it starts with me but you need to know about Dad first," Joey ventured. "He had some mental health issues. We never actually knew what they were because he was never diagnosed with anything but it involved a lot of paranoia and a... different perspective on life."

Joey gazed up a little fearfully at her girlfriend who was offering her rapt attention.

"He was really religious but not like, good religious," the younger woman explained. "I mean, it's not something I advertise particularly but I have a firm belief in God. I say my prayers. It means a lot to me."

Charlie looked surprised. It was definitely something Joey had been keeping under her hat.

"But Dad got involved with some people who had some pretty warped ideas. I mean, I don't know if you've read the Gospels but I don't recall any place where Jesus said that gays were evil."

She flashed a grin, making Charlie laugh.

"But anyway," Joey said more soberly. "I was fourteen and I got caught with a girl. We were just kissing – nothing serious. She was a friend from school. But Dad found us and he flipped. It tipped him over the edge and his pastor tried to exorcise me of my gay demons or whatever. It didn't work."

Charlie laughed again. Joey smiled but then sighed.

"One day, my brother, Brett and I came home from school and Mum and Dad were there. Dad looked pretty stressed and the house smelled strange. Dad locked us all in and gave this speech about Holy fire and cleansing and... To be honest, for the most significant moment of my life, I don't remember much of it."

She sighed again, taking a deep breath before continuing with her story.

"Basically, Dad set fire to the house," she blurted out quickly.

Charlie stared at her, feeling tears sting her eyes on Joey's behalf.

"He said that those among us who were righteous, would be saved. And, well, ironically, I was the only one who survived."

She gazed back up at Charlie fearfully.

"So... so yeah, I killed my family."

"What?" Charlie squeaked. "How did you reach that conclusion?"

"He did it because of me," Joey explained. "Because I'm gay."

"But... but he was the one who did it," Charlie said gently. "Not you. You couldn't help..."

"It wasn't his fault though," Joey said quickly. "He was sick. But I wasn't. I knew what I was doing when I made out with that girl. And I should have left it at that, Charlie. I should have told him that the stupid exorcism had worked. Then he wouldn't have..."

"You were fourteen," Charlie pointed out. "How on earth were you to know what would happen?"

"I should have," Joey said unhappily.

Charlie pulled her closer for a hug, feeling Joey physically sink into her arms.

"It wasn't your fault, Joey," the Senior Constable said firmly. "And it doesn't even sound like it was your Dad's fault either. If he was mentally ill, he couldn't be held accountable for his actions."

"Are you saying that as my girlfriend or...?" Joey asked.

"As a police officer," Charlie confirmed.

Joey exhaled in relief. Tears began to roll down her cheeks.

"Joey, how did you ever come to the conclusion that you killed your family?" Charlie asked. "I mean, that's a pretty big burden to hold onto all these years."

"I thought it was my fault," Joey said. "Because he set the fire to stop me being gay. And then because... because I was the only one who survived. Even... even the dog died."

She wiped her eyes as if furious with herself for crying.

"Joey, what happened to you and to your family was tragic," Charlie said. "I can't even begin to imagine the hell you've been through. But it wasn't your fault."

"Angelo said I was a murderer," Joey told her.

Charlie pulled a face. She'd wondered how her ex-boyfriend would have got himself involved.

"Back then, we were friends," Joey said. "I mean, he'd been more Brett's mate and I was closer to Paulie but we got along. And I trusted him. I started... I started to tell him what happened. But I only got half way through. I told him it was my fault. He assumed I'd lit the match and I... I didn't correct him."

She sank against Charlie and closed her eyes.

"Whatever he's being saying to you all these years," Charlie said softly. "He's wrong. You're not responsible for what happened. You didn't kill anyone. You're not to blame."

Next time... Joey has more to reveal...