Disclaimer: not mine

Aftermath 2/4

It took Harm 24 minutes to find his wife, by which time he was frantic. It was dark and wet out and she was dressed for bed, he didn't want to think she'd gone outside and yet he'd checked the house twice to no avail. Eventually, he'd spied her sitting in the driver's seat on her car, her hands firmly gripping the wheel, her face twisted with emotion.

Opening the car door, Harm nervously slipped into the passenger seat.
"I am not my mother," she said, her eyes straight ahead. "I am not running away. I came out and it was raining so I sat here." Harm didn't point out the fact she had run out of the house meant she was running away, he was already distressed that his plan to get her to talk to him had blown up like this.
"Aha," he said not knowing what else to say.

The strained, painful silence grew; neither wanting to be the one who spoke first, emotions still too raw. Slowly, Harm reached across and took her hand, squeezing it before he raised it to his lips and kissed it.
"So now you know," Mac said, her eyes still fixed straight ahead. "She abandoned me, which was bad enough, and I coped... the best any kid could...but when he felt me up when he was completely pissed one night, I hated her so much. I knew she wasn't happy, that she wasn't well, mentally, and I guess I expected she'd go...but I never expected he'd do that ... to me! And I already hated him for him being the one to stay..."
"I'm so sorry, Mac," he said quietly.
Mac didn't acknowledge he had spoken. "It happened four times, stopped the day I hit him and he stumbled back and knocked himself out. We never spoke about it, barely spoke again...I ran away a couple of times but there was nowhere to go and I didn't have anything...guessed what I'd get at home was preferable to anything might happen on the street..." Harm squeezed her hand again.
"And," she continued. "You know what the sick thing is?" she questioned, not waiting for a response. "I hated her more than I hated him...back then...and yet I was still desperate for her love...wanted to know there was a reason she left me in that situation...wanted to know...wanted her to know what he did..."
"And now you know some of it?" he asked, rubbing her arm.
"Now, I think I need to accept what has happened has happened," she said with a nod. "And to do that I need work through it with Amanda...it's long overdue."
"I think that's a good idea," he said nodding. "I want you to do whatever you want, whatever you need..."
"I need you to never do what you did tonight again," she said, finally turning to face him.
"I was trying to get you to express something about your feelings," he explained, "You've been hiding behind a facade since your mom passed."
"Maybe," she agreed. "But do you think getting me that angry is the way to go? You really think we've solved anything here tonight?"
"I think there are other ways I could have gone about it," he said, "And I hate that I upset you so much...but I think it's good that you opened up to me."
"So long as you think so," she said, climbing out of the car and heading back into the house, Harm not that far behind.
"What do you mean?" he asked, trailing her into the bedroom.
"Harm, I'm tired," she said, slipping back between the sheets. "This conversation is over."
"No, it's not," he said, standing at her side of the bed.
"For god's sake, Harm," she said exasperated. "Fine, I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine, every-fucking-thing is fine. Is that better? That what you want to hear?"
"You know it's not," he replied, folding his arms across his chest.
"Why can't you just let things be?" she questioned. "You're hardly an open book when it comes to the past. Why the hell are you pushing me?"
"Because I love you," he said simply, pulling down the covers as she tried to cover her head in them out of frustration.
"I swear to god," she said, letting go of the covers. "I am fighting every urge not to hit you. I promised myself after that whole episode with Harry I wouldn't hit you again but you are making it hard."
"If hitting me will make you feel better then go ahead, give it your best shot," he said opening his arms. "I don't want you hiding your emotions."
"Don't tempt me," she said clenching her hands and rolling away from him.
"Running again?" he asked, bracing himself for what he thought might come next.

In a heartbeat, Mac sprang from the bed and shoved him. "What the hell is your problem? Can you not just shut up?"
"Make me," he challenged, stepping closer to her. "You need to get this anger out of your system."
"You're the one making me angry," she said, her hands balled by her side.
"You've been hiding from your emotions, Mac," he said. "For far too long...if you're pissed, be pissed, if you're upset be upset, if you're ..."
"You hypocrite," she said, throwing up her arms and walking away from him.
"Maybe," he replied, catching her arm. "But ..."
"Get. Your. Hands. Off. Me!" she enunciated extremely slowly and sharply.

Instantly, Harm released her. "You know I would never hurt you, don't you?"
"Physically," she said. "I know..."
"I would never intentionally hurt you any other way," he said, saddened she didn't already know it.
"What do you think you've been doing tonight?" she challenged. "You don't think this is hurting me? You don't think this is causing me pain?"
"I honestly thought I was helping, Mac," he said, his blue eyes clouding over. "I thought I was helping."
"You think you're qualified to be bringing all these things to the surface in me and deal with it? Because, last time I checked psychologist wasn't on your list of qualifications," she said stepping closer to him once more.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, and he was, this outcome was definitely not his intention. However, once he started, he just couldn't help himself. "I really am."

Mac studied his face and knew his remorse was genuine.
"Well, maybe instead of being a complete bastard about it, you could have loved me a bit more," she said, surprising him by sliding her arms around his waist and resting her forehead on his chest.

Harm's arms wound around her as he leaned his head on hers. "I don't think it's possible to love you anymore than I do, gorgeous," he whispered hoarsely, emotion taking his voice. "I love you with every fibre of my being...with all my heart ...with all I am..."

Slowly, Mac pulled her head back and looked up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I know you love me, but I need you to be my husband, not my therapist..."
"I will be," he said, having learnt a big lesson tonight about respecting boundaries.
"And I need you to back off when I ask you to," she said, releasing one hand so she could wipe her face.
"I will," he replied, vowing never to make that mistake again.
"And I need you...to just be here for me," she said, wiping his tears away. "I know I have so much to deal with and I will...I promise you...but I need to do it at my own pace...not because you bully me in the middle of the night."
"I'm here for you, Mac, I promise you, I am here...and I'll give you time and space and time..." he said before realising he'd said it twice. "Whatever you need..."
"Right now," she said, letting go but taking his hand, "I need to wrap myself around you and go to sleep. Can we do that?"

It took Mac just 15 minutes to fall asleep, Harm was another case. He couldn't help but cry when he thought about what he'd put her through in the past two hours. He still couldn't fathom why he had pushed her so hard, perhaps he'd have to make his own appointment to see Amanda, or someone similar.

While the hostility wasn't there the following morning things were still clearly fragile. With the hustle and bustle of trying to get kids to school and pre-school hiding the exact mood of the morning, Trish knew things weren't right. When Mac announced she would take the twins to pre-school, even though it was Frank's daily pleasure, she knew something was amiss.

For his part, Frank didn't argue the point. After all, they were Mac's children and he knew she had an appointment in Charlesville at 9:00, so it made sense for her to drop them off and keep going.
"Would you like me to pick them up?" he asked, "Or will you do that on your way home, sweetheart?"
Mac stopped packing Harry's bag and looked up at her father-in-law. "If you could pick them up, that would be great," she said. "I don't know how long I'll be."
"Consider it done," he said, smiling widely, he loved his post pre-school pickups when there was just the three of them and special treats at Connie's Cafe, treats which Trish wouldn't always let him have.

When all the hugs, kisses and farewells were done for the morning, Trish stood on the back porch and watched as Harm secured the twins into their seats. Closing the back door, he turned his attention to his wife and gently caressed her cheek.
"I'm so sorry about last night," he whispered. "So very sorry."
"What's done is done," Mac replied with a sigh. "Can't go back and change it."
"I know," he said, dropping his head. "Hopefully Amanda can help repair some of the damage I've done."
"Maybe," she replied without commitment. With an obligatory kiss on the cheek, Mac climbed in and drove away.

Harm turned to find his mother still on the porch, clearly aware something wasn't right.
"Are you and Mac alright?" she asked as he walked up the ramp.
"Fine, mom," he replied with a quick glance at her.
"So Jessie was just imaging the yelling and door slamming last night?" she asked and he stopped in his tracks. "So, she wasn't," Trish answered her own question.
"Mac and I had some issues last night," he admitted, looking at his mother. "We're working on it."
"Anything I can do to help?" she asked, not liking the feeling of this at all.
"No idea," he replied with a shake of his head. And that was the truth. He had no idea about any of it.

The day continued in the same vein and by night time things hadn't really shifted from where they were that morning. There was polite, civil conversation, a focus on the children and nothing really personal at all. Come bedtime, Harm had been in bed half an hour with no sign Mac was joining him. Not knowing what this meant, he climbed out and went to find her.
"Oh, I thought you were in bed," she said as he appeared in the dining room.
"I, ah, just wanted a drink," he said, gesturing to the kitchen.
"Okay," she replied, turning her attention back to the array of papers in front of her.
"What's got you so intrigued?" he asked as nonchalantly as possible.
"Small business forms and information that Dad picked up today," she said, tapping the green booklet in front of her. "Nothing much different from the info for Rabb's Runways."
"Good," he said nodding, as he slipped into the seat opposite her. "How do you think this new business will go?"
"It's not really a business," she said with a shrug. "Well, not designed for profit, anyway."
"After the items in the barn go, do you think we will get enough from further donations to make it sustainable?" he asked, keeping to safe topics.
"With advertising and word of mouth, I think so," she said. "If all else fails, I'm sure we can get Harriet to rally the troops in DC and it wouldn't cost much to hire a U-Haul one way."
"Harriet has always been good at these sort of things," he said nodding.
"Yeah," she said quietly. "Maybe we'll have to get some tips on co-ordinating such events...or have a couple of key drop off days. I know dad is keen on this but I'd like to restrict the business hours to a couple of hours a couple of times a week – except in emergencies."
"I like that idea," he said, knowing they already had a busy lifestyle and didn't want to add any pressure to it ... especially at the moment.
"And keep the kids involvement to behind the scenes as much as possible," she said. "I don't know how comfortable people in financial distress will be dealing with a couple of 10-year-olds."
"I was thinking that myself," he said, nodding once more.
"We seem to be very agreeable on this matter," Mac observed, putting the papers together in a pile.
"We seem to be," he replied with a small smile.
"How about we try another matter?" she asked, joining her hands and leaning back in her chair.
"Okay," he said, mirroring her body language.
"Last night..." she said, letting the sentence trail.
"I screwed up, big time," he said, his eyes falling.
"What was it all about?" she asked. "One minute you're asking me about a name the kids can call my mom and the next we're in an all out battle."
"Honestly," he said, looking up at her. "I really don't know...I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't know why I acted like I did."
"There must have been some reason," she said, her tone and body language not changing at all.
"I guess if it's anything then it was the fact I was trying to get you to show something other than sadness," he said. "Since your mom died you've had this look in your eyes that kills me."
"Aren't I allowed to be sad?" she questioned, clenching her hands and reminding herself not to get upset.
"Of course you are," he said quickly.
"So, you decided a month was enough and I needed to get over it," she half questioned, half stated.
"No," he said quickly. "I...You keep saying you're okay, everything's fine but it's not, it hasn't been...I was trying to get you admit it...to show some other emotion."
"Don't you think that is Amanda's job, not yours?" she questioned, her eyes on his.
"Yes, I do," he said. "Think it's Amanda's job," he clarified. "I know I did the wrong thing last night," he admitted. "And I am really struggling to understand why I couldn't stop...I knew at the time I needed to shut up but I couldn't...and after you disclosed the information about your dad I knew it had gone too far and yet I still couldn't help myself."
"Yes, I noticed," she said sadly, "It was bad enough before we went outside. I couldn't believe you kept on at it when we returned to the bedroom."
"Couldn't believe it myself," he said, shaking his head.
Mac said nothing; it was clear her husband was just as mystified by the whole encounter as she was.
"Where does this leave us?" he questioned when she didn't speak.
Mac shrugged. "Nowhere different from where we were two nights ago. It seems last night was an anomaly."
"Just like that?" he asked, quite surprised, though relieved.
"I'm trying to work on me at the moment," she said. "I don't have the time and energy to work on us as well..." Harm stared at her; Mac hadn't put herself ahead of them since they first got together. "I'm not saying we're not worth it," she added quickly when she caught his expression, "But until I've got my head together I can't do anything else. Do you understand that?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said, nodding. "We're going to need to work on us though, aren't we?"
"Yes, I think so," she said with a brief nod. "We've spent our lives getting over things rather than through them and look at the result."
"Until last night I would have thought we were doing well," he said. "We were in love..."
"Were?" she questioned. "As in past tense?"
"Are," he amended quickly. "We are in love...at least, I love you very much but I would understand if you're not..."
"Don't finish it, Harm," she cautioned. "You know that love isn't an emotion you can just turn on and off and while we've had much better moments than today, and last night, you know that I love you, don't you?"
"I do," he said nodding.
"Amanda suggested we consider couples counselling," she said. "She thinks..."
"I think it's a good idea," he interjected. "I looked up a few counsellors myself today."

Mac nodded; glad that they both seemed to be on the same page, neither doing what they had previously done and that was to sweep things under the carpet. If the previous night had taught them anything it was how a few wrongly spoken words can cause severe, maybe irreparable damage.
"Okay," she said, pushing down on the table and standing up. "I'll call Amanda and make a time. Do you have a preference for day / time?"
"As soon as possible," he said, knowing he couldn't leave it too long or the guilt would make matters a whole lot worse.
"Okay." She repeated. "I think it's time for bed."
"I agree," he said, standing up and pushing his chair in.
"Are you getting that drink?" she questioned, placing the papers onto the kitchen dresser to avoid little hands in the morning.
"Was never thirsty," he admitted. "Just wanted to see you...talk to you..."
"See why I wasn't coming to bed?" she offered, raising an eyebrow.
"Guess that was part of it too," he admitted. "Wasn't sure whether you were planning on sleeping with me...alongside me...tonight."
"I was planning on it," she said, turning off the light and heading to the stairs, she took two steps before she turned around and stood just a little taller than him. "I do love you, Harm," she said leaning down and kissing his forehead.
Harm smiled before taking her hand and kissing it. "I love you too, gorgeous."

With Amanda away due to a family emergency, Harm and Mac scheduled their appointment for the following Tuesday before putting the matter aside and concentrating on other issues; namely Memories of Mom and the ending of the academic year.

Harry and Rosie were excited they were off to 'Big School' come September and Lily and Jessie were desperate to be on vacation. They had so many plans and were excited they would have each other for the whole summer.

Eager for something to get his teeth into, Frank had taken on the paperwork for the new business, while Trish was focused on organising the furnishings for their new home. Colin had the farm under control, while Harm and Mattie had a steady increase of clients as the weather warmed up.

Come Friday morning, Colin appeared at the door to inform the girls that Aidan was sick and wouldn't be going to school. Assured it was nothing too serious, the girls' headed down to the bus, as usual, while the rest of the family went about their normal morning routine. Come morning tea time, Mac received a phone call from the school, the secretary letting her talk to a very distressed Jessie.
"What's wrong, baby?" she asked gently.
"Aidan's not sick," Jessie replied sniffling. "It's his birthday...and we all forgot."
"Oh, Jess, it is too," Mac said shaking her head. "Stop crying, honey, it will be alright."
"I was sitting here and writing the date on my work and it hit me and he probably thinks no one cares and he's probably sad and lonely and everything," she continued.
"We'll do something special for him tonight," Mac assured her. "How about I come and pick you girls up at home time and we go and buy him something special?"
"Can you pick us up early, please?" she asked, hopefully. "It's only assembly this afternoon, we won't miss anything..."
"Okay, I'll see what I can do."

It was a rush of plans within the farmhouse to arrange a surprise dinner and presents for Aidan. Colin and Mattie had taken turns to check on the now 15-year-old throughout the day and both reported that the young man didn't appear ill, just down.

With Trish taking over the kitchen to prepare Aidan's favourite dinner, Frank supervised the younger children while Mac picked the girls up just before 2:00 and took them shopping, having everything gift wrapped as they went so they'd be ready when they returned home.

Once everything was set, Harm walked over to the other house and let himself in, finding Aidan sitting in the living room channel surfing.
"How are you feeling, kiddo?" he asked, dropping into an armchair.
"Okay," he replied, turning off the TV. "I'm feeling okay."
"Well, I'm hoping you're up to coming across for dinner. Grandma has cooked roast beef with roast potatoes, cauliflower in cheese sauce, and some other things," Harm reported, happy with all but the beef.
"All my favourites," he said with a grin.
"She knows, thought you could do with something to cheer you up," he said. "It's not fun being sick."
"No, it's not," he agreed he said with a sigh.
"Anything you want to talk about?" Harm asked and Aidan shook his head, there were but he didn't want to seem ungrateful for all his new family had done by asking for more. "Are you ready for dinner?"

Harm opened the back door to his house and ushered Aidan inside. "SURPRISE!" was the cry from all parts of the dining room and kitchen, followed by a rousing, if what disjointed attempt, of 'Happy Birthday to You'.

Aidan's eyes filled with tears and he was very tempted to run out, not wanting anyone to see his tears, Harm placed a gentle arm around his shoulders before leading him to the head of the table.
"We know today's been a bit tough for you," Harm said quietly as he pulled out the boy's chair. "But you're 15 and we'd love to celebrate it with you."

Rather than sitting down, Aidan turned around and wrapped his arms around Harm's waist.
"You okay?" Harm asked, ducking down to check his face.
"Yeah," he whispered. "I wasn't really sick today...I was sad...I was upset no one knew it was my birthday but I didn't want to tell anyone as I didn't want you to think that I wanted more from you all than I already had."
"We wouldn't have thought that," he replied quietly.
"I'm learning that," Aidan replied, pulling back.

The birthday boy was then surrounded by kids of all sizes wanting to hug and kiss him and wish him a 'happy birthday' before Trish called for them all to be seated so the dinner feast could begin. It was half an hour of food and noise as everyone ate heartily, chatting loudly as they went. Once they had finished, it was into the living room for presents and the small mountain of presents stunned the overwhelmed birthday boy, so much so he ran outside before he'd opened the first gift.

It was Frank who followed him out.
"All a bit much, son?" he asked, wrapping his arm around Aidan as he stood on the back porch leaning on the rail.
"A bit," he agreed, trying to quickly dry his tears.
"We all love you very much," he said quietly, "And we just want to make sure your first birthday here with us is a special one."
"It is...very special," he said with a nod. "My other birthdays weren't really celebrated," he added. "And I just wish mom was here...she was the only one who really ever remembered me on my birthday." The tears trickled down his cheeks.
"I'm sorry she can't be here," Frank said, hugging him close. "I'm sure she's looking down on you...she'd be very proud of you. She always spoke of you so fondly...she'd be pleased you were doing well in school and supporting your sister...helping out on the farm...looking after the little kids."
"Are they gonna make fun of me for crying?" he asked gesturing back to the house.
"Not at all, son," he said with a reassuring smile. "The ones old enough will understand and those not old enough will be more interested in the cake than anything else."
Aidan laughed and turned to hug Frank. "Thanks, grandpa," he said, before drying his face and heading back in.

With a dozen or so different presents, all of which he loved, and grandma's Ultimate Chocolate Cake especially for him, Aidan was smiling as he blew out the candles. When the festivities petered out and the younger ones went to bed, it was another round of drinks and a bit more cake, this time served in the living room as Aidan sat on the floor with Jessie and Lily inspecting his bounty a bit closer.
"Now," Harm said, sitting on the sofa near him. "This was from me..." He picked up the kit of a Stearman.
"I figured," Aidan said with a grin. "It's great, just like Sarah."
"That's right," said Harm. "And if you like the model, how about on your summer vacation we start with some flying lessons?"
"Are you serious?" he asked, turning around. "Like real lessons...to get my licence?"
"Yep," Harm replied. "I reckon we can get quite a few hours in."
"Best birthday ever!" he said, kneeling up to hug Harm. "Can't wait!