Complex
Chapter 25: Pretense of Spring
Sasuke picked his head up abruptly from the kitchen table, where he had fallen asleep. He stretched his sore neck as he stood and rubbed his face with his hands, light was pouring in the window and it was hurting his sore head.
"Ow." He muttered. His eyeballs felt like they were throbbing. He poured himself some water to try to rid himself of the horrid, sour taste in his mouth. "Never doing that again..." He muttered, then gulped the entire glass of water. It didn't do him any good and he squinted, unsatisfied, at the empty glass in his hand. "Oh, shit..." He dragged the back of his hand across his eyes. "Sakura... goddamnit. What the hell is wrong with me?" Sasuke grimaced and clenched his teeth, setting his glass back down on the counter. "I've got to talk to her..." Sasuke didn't remember everything that happened the night before, but he did remember his brother talking to him... "Right, I got my ass kicked." Sasuke shuffled out onto the walk and went into his room to take a shower. He spun the tap open and while the water was heating up, he peeled his sweaty clothes off of his body. He winced as he ran a hand over the large bruise that had appeared in the spot where Itachi had kicked his ribs. "I deserved that." He scowled at himself in the mirror. Sasuke stepped into the shower and started to scrub the stench of alcohol from his body vigorously. "What to do, what to say?" He asked himself. It wasn't helping his head any, he didn't want to think about Sakura, but he needed to. "Do I even want her here?" Sasuke thought about it as he wet his thick hair and massaged shampoo into his scalp. "Personally, do I want her..." He tried to push thoughts of the clan and her child from his head, but it was difficult. Finally he got to a place where he remembered who she was before: the blushing girl he had bedded on their wedding night; the confident, happy kunoichi who'd had his back and healed him on more than one occasion. He remembered their dates, their quiet runs and his birthday. They had made so many wonderful memories together. Sasuke scrubbed harder than necessary as he rinsed the lather out of his dark hair. "Why is this so difficult?" Sasuke let the hot water run over his sore neck and shoulders as he thought about it.
"It's because she loved me." He muttered to himself. "If I hadn't screwed everything up, we'd still be together, happy, normal. It's my fault to start with... OK, stop the blame game. Focus. Sakura..."
He tried to picture her again, but it was hopeless now, he was caught in a cycle of hatred. He hated what he'd done, what she'd done, he hated Itachi and he hated her baby. He hated himself and he hated the fact that she had left. He hated that she loved him, and he hated that he loved her. Sasuke put his face in his hands. "This pain..." It was unfamiliar, but the pain in his chest was definitely longing. "I don't want to be alone again..." He felt incredibly immature but it was the truth. Sakura was the only person willing to put up with him. "I want to try. I really do... I think I do... I'm not going to let her go." Sasuke ran his fingers through his wet hair one more time and turned off the water, stepping out into the steamy bathroom. As he toweled off, he decided on a course of action.
"I'm going to spend the day trying to forgive her. I'm going to find her and I'm going to explain everything... I'll get my parents to leave us alone and I'll... I'll ask Itachi to help me..." He hated the thought, but he knew now, after thinking about everything he'd done that he couldn't control himself, and that was one of the main issues between he and Sakura. Every time he got angry, or sad, or drunk, he'd screw up. He'd jump to conclusions, he'd do stupid things like try to hit Sakura or force her into things she didn't want to do. He'd become a liar, a wife beater, a drunk. He didn't know how to handle his emotions and after last night, Sasuke thought that maybe Itachi was the only one who could help him.
He tugged on some pants and left his room, heading towards Itachi's. Before he did anything else, Sasuke wanted to clean up the mess he'd caused last night. He didn't want the night before to be the first thing Sakura was reminded of when she came home.
In the meanwhile, Sakura partook happily of the breakfast Kakashi had thoughtfully cooked for her. Yes it was pancakes and eggs, but his bachelor cooking was greatly appreciated on that sunny morning.
"Mmm, really good, Kakashi."
"Yep." Kakashi sent her a familiar eye crinkle and flipped the last pancake, throwing it out of the pan and sending it spinning through the air.
Sakura laughed, and Kakashi couldn't help but smile at the sound. After everything she'd been through, he was glad to find out that the old Sakura was still in there somewhere. She was his little trooper. He flipped the pancake into his plate and turned off the stove, then sat next to Sakura and poured a generous amount of syrup over his pancake.
"Itadakimasu!" He shoveled the pancake into his mouth rapidly and licked his lips before lifting his mask up. "Another victory for Hatake Kakashi! No syrup spilled on the mask, ten points!" It was a game he'd played often after he'd first donned the mask.
"You sure are happy." Sakura ate her breakfast at a normal pace.
"I'm just glad you're ok." Kakashi replied easily. Sakura didn't say anything but her smile didn't fade.
"I'm getting a fresh start. It's still hard to believe." Sakura looked down at her plate, her face softened a bit. "I'm so happy."
"I know everyone will be glad for you. You're making the right decision." Kakashi reassured her.
"I know." Sakura rubbed her stomach lightly and scrunched her nose.
"You ok?"
"Yeah, come here." She grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach, just under her ribs. Kakashi's eye widened. "Hold on. Give him a minute." Sakura rolled her eyes at her former Sensei's reaction. Suddenly she sucked her teeth and Kakashi jumped in his seat. "A right little shinobi, this one." Sakura beamed.
"Does it hurt?" Kakashi asked as he pulled his hand away.
"Yeah, mostly when its under the ribs like that its the worst. But its not that bad really. Nothing like a kunai to the side." She grinned.
"Ah." Kakashi chuckled. "I've never felt a baby kick before."
"Really? That was your first time?" Sakura gasped and Kakashi nodded. "Well, you can be his godfather then!" Sakura clapped her hands.
"Ha, are you sure?" Kakashi rubbed the back of his head nervously.
"Positive." Sakura smiled broadly. "I'd be honored. Just no porn reading around him, 'kay?"
Kakashi frowned. "That's a tall order."
Sakura punched at him as she gathered their dishes, but he dodged. "Psh, perv."
"Hm, mm." Kakashi laughed quietly to himself.
"So what's the plan?" Sakura asked as she rinsed the dishes. "Do we just go straight to Tsunade and tell her everything? I haven't seen her in ages. I'd love to say hi."
"Well, we won't really be saying hi... And we should put everything down in writing first. Once we've got it all written down then we'll head over there. Probably tomorrow?"
Sakura nodded, drying her hands. "I'll be to stressed if we try to go right after writing it. I guess I'd better get started."
"Let me grab my report book."
"'Kay."
Sakura and Kakashi spent the rest of the day writing out all of Sasuke's offenses against Sakura in Kakashi's mission report notebook. It was an arduous task, and difficult. Kakashi had to constantly remind Sakura to keep things objective, to keep things factual. Together they pieced together a formidable report for the Hokage, and Kakashi didn't see any reason for her not to get the divorce she wanted. Financially, it was likely that Sakura would end up with nothing, but Kakashi was willing to help her out until she could get back to work. He hardly spent any time at home anyway, he argued. Sakura was very grateful for Kakashi's hospitality. She'd go back to work for as long as she could and she was sure she'd be able to get an apartment before the end of the month. Kakashi seemed indifferent about her time frame, all that mattered to him was that she be in a safe place. The day flew by in a blur of papers and cup after cup of tea, and finally the sun was setting over the village and all Sakura and Kakashi could think about was what they'd be doing the next day. He'd take her to the Hokage's office and Tsunade could summon Sasuke from there as she saw fit.
Just as Sakura and Kakashi finished their final revision of their presentation and closed the notebook, there was a soft knock at the door. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Sakura and they both felt Sasuke's unmistakeable chakra signature.
"I'll get it." Kakashi muttered, reigning in his anger. He stood and cracked the door open, blocking the young man's view into his apartment with his body. "Is there something I can do for you, Sasuke?"
Sasuke's arms were crossed in front of his chest. "I need to talk to Sakura." He looked serious.
"I don't think she wants to talk to you, though, Sasuke." Kakashi squeezed the doorknob tightly.
"Look." Sasuke stepped a little closer to Kakashi and lowered his voice. "I just want to apologize."
Kakashi narrowed his eye at Sasuke. "Do you think that will make things better? Do you think that will reverse the damage you've done?" The older jounin murmured.
Sasuke lowered his gaze from Kakashi's face. "I don't know. But I have to try."
"Have to, or want to?" Kakashi asked.
"Both." Sasuke whispered.
"I think you should go home, Sasuke." Kakashi started to close the door when he felt a small hand cover his over the doorknob.
"Kakashi." Sakura whispered. "I'll explain things to him."
Kakashi shook his head, "That's not necessary, it's not part of the plan."
Sasuke's face brightened slightly with hope as he met Sakura's eyes across Kakashi and through the doorway. She looked a little sad, but overall she seemed... back to normal. Brave. Strong.
"Sakura. Please give me a chance. Let's talk, just for a few minutes."
Sakura smiled briefly at Kakashi. "I'm a big girl. I can handle this. I'll be right back, I'm just going to explain the situation to him."
Sasuke's face fell, he wasn't sure what that meant but it didn't sound good. Kakashi sighed.
"I hope you're not making a mistake." He shook his head but allowed Sakura to open the door and slip by him.
"I'll be fine." She reassured him.
"I'll be waiting."
"Okay. I'll be back within a couple hours, if not less. If it's longer than two hours, I'll drop by and let you know so you don't have to worry."
"Sounds like a plan." Kakashi felt a little better. She turned away from him and walked down the hallway with Sasuke and Kakashi closed the door uneasily. He had a bad feeling about this.
Sakura and Sasuke walked down the street together, a good distance in between the two of them. Sasuke hung his head sadly the whole way, but Sakura walked confidently, hands in her (Kakashi's) pockets and head turned forward toward the sunset. The pair walked to the edge of town, near the Uchiha district but at the last moment they turned and headed toward the lake. They stood together on the shore for some time without saying anything, Sasuke kept trying to start, but every time he looked at Sakura all he saw was her swollen belly stretching Kakashi's shirt out of shape. He tried to push down the irrational thoughts, the anger that was growing in him away. He had to focus, this was his last chance to fix things. "I can't fuck this up..." Sasuke was ready to pull his hair in his frustration.
"Out with it, Sasuke, I don't have all day. I've got things I want to tell you too." It was already getting dark, the sun had sunk below the village wall.
"Give me a minute." He ground out, glancing sidelong at her again. She looked annoyed, and her stomach seemed to get bigger every time he looked at her. That stomach. That baby. Itachi's baby. That bastard. Sasuke was seething. "I have to apologize... this is about... Sakura..." Sasuke turned to her and tried to open his mouth to speak to her, to tell her everything he'd been rehearsing in his head all day, but instead of moving his lips his feet stepped toward her. She turned to him abruptly and protested, "Hey, don't touch me! Stay over there!" Sakura panicked as she saw his eyes turn red through his rage. She closed her eyes and tried to step backwards, away from him, but Sasuke was on autopilot. He clenched his teeth and felt the blood running down his face as his tomoe spun. His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist jerking the pinkette towards him. Sakura opened her mouth to scream, but Sasuke immediately snaked a hand into her hair and clamped his hand over her mouth, letting her wrist go in the process. His face was frozen in a stoic mask, devoid of emotion, his lips pressed into a thin, hard frown. Sakura struggled in his grasp, she tried to shake her head free of his grip, she clawed at the backs of his hands with her nails and her feet slipped and slid noisily through the gravel as he dragged her closer to the water. He ignored the pain she was inflicting on him, it was nothing compared to the thick rush of adrenaline and the dull, pulsing anger he felt coursing through his veins. A part of him was horrified, screamed that what he was doing was wrong. But a larger part in him, a bigger something was in charge of his actions. The water was getting deeper and deeper, Sakura was kicking him now, screaming into his hand and thrashing under his strength but she was no match for him. He didn't even look at her face as he swung his arm in an arc, throwing her off balance and submerging her in the water with a small splash. He shifted his body over hers, he placed both of his hands on her neck and straddled her there in the water. He could clearly see the air escaping from her lungs as she screamed angrily at him, still clawing at his forearms. He smirked as he imagined all of the obscenities she was probably yelling at him, and he shook her lightly under the water as she struggled. Her eyes widened and she gripped his wrists in her hands tightly, trying to pull them off of her throat making a last effort to free herself. He could see that she was out of air, her mouth was opening and closing, but nothing was coming out and slowly her grip on him weakened. Time slipped by slowly, it felt like he had been holding her underwater for at least an hour, but really it had only been a few minutes. Sakura started to shake and jerk under his hands as she went into cardiac arrest and he held her there until she stopped moving completely, her eyes rolled back into her head. Tentatively, he let her go and she slowly sunk away from him.
Sasuke sighed shakily and ran his hands through his hair, then looked around, suddenly scared. There was no one there.
"Sakura..." Sasuke suddenly felt calm and shaky all at once, his hands were shaking uncontrollably and he felt so cold. "You know, I wanted to apologize. I wanted to say sorry and I wanted to make everything better. I wanted you to have a nice life. But you had to go and ruin it. Do you have any idea what it's like for me to see you everyday with that disgusting stomach of yours, my brother's fucking mutant seed growing inside of you? I have every right to hate you, I do hate you..." He whispered the words as he stared at his shaking palms. "But I loved you. I did. I made a stupid mistake, and I'm sorry, I didn't think it through before I sent you to Whirlpool. I didn't want you to die. I wanted to try to fix it when you came back. I thought we'd be okay. I thought you wanted to try too." Sasuke sighed and dropped his hands into the water, staring into its dark depths. The sun had long since gone down. "Why'd you have to go sleep with my brother? Why did you do it? Why... why didn't you think first? And, Kami knows I was willing to give you another chance but..." Sasuke pulled at his own hair. "Aagh, I don't know! Okay? I don't know! I'm just angry!" Sasuke wasn't making sense anymore, he was just rambling, burning tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to kill you, but I had to. You made me do it." He muttered finally. "Just like I have to live with my mistakes, well now you have paid for yours." Sasuke blinked as he came to a realization. "If I get caught here, I'm fucked. I need to get out of here." Sasuke turned abruptly and trudged out of the water, then ran through a back way, along the village wall, all the way back to the complex.
Sasuke ran into the house without bothering to remove his shoes and as soon as he reached the walk, he saw Itachi standing in the courtyard.
"Where is Sakura?" Itachi asked quietly. "Why are you wet?" He noted the drops hitting the walk.
"I don't have time for you. I have to get out of Konoha." Sasuke breathed, eyes wild.
Itachi walked toward his brother slowly, stopping just a few feet away from him. "What did you do to her? Everyone disappeared about thirty minutes ago." Itachi's eyes widened and he stepped forward, grabbing Sasuke by the shirt. "You didn't."
Sasuke laughed quietly, reaching up to hold Itachi's wrist. "I had no choice."
Different emotions danced across Itachi's face, disgust, anger, sadness and disappointment. "You... You've failed. You've failed everyone, your clan, your wife and your village." Itachi let Sasuke go and the weight of understanding fell onto Sasuke's shoulders suddenly. "You always need someone to tell you what to do, what to think and feel, how to act. I hate to think what would have happened to you if you hadn't returned to Konoha when you did. Even with the right people helping and guiding you, you've gone and ruined everything." Itachi spoke softly and Sasuke fell to his knees. "If you had fallen into the wrong hands... you could have ended up doing more than the wrong that's already been done." Itachi looked down at his brother with pity. "More than anything, you've failed yourself." Itachi knew the words would hit Sasuke where it hurt, his ego.
"Myself..." Sasuke held his head in his hands.
Itachi felt a gentle warmth start to come over him and Sasuke looked up to see his brother's form fading from him.
"It's time to go, Itachi." Shisui's voice echoed in his head.
"Sasuke... Goodbye." Itachi's whispered words rang eerily through the courtyard as he disappeared, though Sasuke was reaching for him, he would never return. There was no more reason for him to stay.
Sasuke stared into the courtyard for a few more moments, feeling lost. A deep sense of despair settled within him, the whole clan was gone, that meant it was over. Everyone had lost hope in him. He'd destroyed the only hope he'd ever had when he killed Sakura. Lethargically, Sasuke pulled himself to his feet, swaying. He felt like each breath was labored, his chest felt so heavy and his throat was closing up on him. Sasuke trudged to his room and slid the shoji closed behind him.
There was only one way to stop this misery.
Sasuke reached under the futon, retrieving his tanto. With a soft click he freed it from the sheath, and he sat for a moment just admiring the beauty of the weapon. He'd killed many with it, but that didn't matter now. This would be the last time...
Sasuke almost smiled as he positioned the blade over his heart. He had considered harakiri briefly, but if someone found Sakura before he died, they'd 'rescue' him for certain. He exhaled profoundly and took a last clean, sweet breath.
"The world now unchanged from ancient times,
leaves that are words retain seeds in the heart."
Sasuke whispered to himself quietly before sliding the blade in between his ribs and through his heart with a low groan. His breath caught in his throat and he grunted softly before falling onto his face in the middle of the room. Blood dribbled from the corner of his mouth, staining his pale face, but it was already over, he coughed shallowly once and his eyes gazed empty, soulless into the room.
He felt the pain envelop him, twisting deep in his chest, but he also felt heaviness and blackness wash over him like so much deep, still water. It was so quiet and the room darkened as a cloud covered the moon. Just as Sasuke felt that he was drifting away into the depths, he felt a distinct disconnection somewhere in the pit of his stomach, and suddenly he found himself floating on air, looking down he saw...
Himself.
He was dead.
Sasuke's eyes widened in fear and he willed himself to stand upright next to his body, everything seemed bigger than he remembered it, even his own body. Sasuke looked down at his hands and realization came over him in a rush.
He closed his little hands into fists much as he had done in that same room, years before. Sasuke screwed his eyes shut and he whimpered, shivering at the sound of his eight year old voice.
"No..." He croaked. He loosened his fists and opened his eyes. Itachi must have been lying. They were here somewhere, they had to be.
"Okaasan?" He started. Sasuke went out onto the walkway and called out again. "Otousan?" He looked around the empty courtyard, searching for a response, a sign of activity, anything. "Itachi?" He tried again.
There was no response.