This Army Life
By Nicolle
1st Note: All right! There's a ton of fanfiction conventions, especially in FF 7 fics, out there and I've hit a few: song-fic, cross-dressing fic, reference to Sephiroth and/or Cloud being gay and most likely with each other - fic, masquerade-fic, and the 'Sephiroth Saves Aeris' fic.
I have yet to write the: crossover-fic (which is in the works), and the 'blanket scenario' fic (which is currently scaring the bee-jeezus out of me! I mean, THINK of the possibilities! The ways I could torture Zack, or Seph, or Rufus, or Heidigger...).
I know I'm missing a few other fanfic conventions, so help me out people! If there's something you've seen in EVERY fic, tell me so I can parody it!
I am debating whether or not to do a self-insertion and/or mary-sue parody.
2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.
3rd Note: Ah yes... the all Hojo episode...
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. I also apologize to all Hello Kitty fans.
Episode 25: Camp!
Hojo stood before President Shinra. The President was taking his time, shuffling through papers and annoying the good doctor.
"Since you felt it necessary to drag me out of the lab, I should hope that you would have something worth saying to me."
The President looked up and smiled with smug innocence. He handed a file to the good doctor. "Science is very important to the world. The study of the planet and the beings living on it is a fascinating subject. As it is beneficial to ShinRa to continue these studies to our profit, it is important to instill a love of science in the youth. And so you will be teaching a science class at a summer camp for children."
Hojo's jaw hit the floor. "What?"
"I think it would be beneficial for you to get out into the world every once in a while. Think of it as a vacation from the lab."
Hojo began to shake with fury. He ground out through clenched teeth, "I don't want a vacation from the lab."
The President's smile faded. "You'll do it or I'll cut your funding."
Suddenly defeated, though still shaking with anger, Hojo stood and walked out of the office, wondering how fast he could clone himself.
Apparently, Not Fast Enough...
Hojo grumbled as several small children ran around him and refused to take their seats. Suddenly remembering years gone by, he realized just how well behaved a child Sephiroth had been. Standing behind the head lab table in the science camp building, he pulled out a Bunsen burner. Hooking it up to the gas and lighting it, he pulled out a can of hairspray. The resulting fire ball had all the children stop dead in their tracks with several oohs and awes.
"Now, if you will take your seats, I'll teach about a few things far more interesting and much more explosive."
The children ran for their tables and watched him large, hungry eyes. Hojo shuddered at the sudden, sickening attention and turned to the board, chalk ready.
"In this class we shall study genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is man's way of correcting God's hideous mistakes, like everyone but me."
He drew a quick double helix on the board and turned to the children. They stared at him with their wide, interested eyes. A sinking feeling started in the pit of his stomach.
"Since I'm sure you're all familiar with the basics of anatomy, we shall look at a video on Mako enhanced SOLDIERs."
The good doctor flicked off the lights and turned on the projector. When he was sure the children wouldn't notice, he snuck out the back... and right into Tseng.
The Turk smiled. "You know, Doctor? I didn't think this assignment would be interesting at all. You know... Sitting around... Keeping you in class... I thought for sure that I wouldn't be having any problems at all."
Hojo swore under his breath and backed into the room, closing the door. The children seemed to be settling into their chairs, as if they had just run back to their chairs. Eyeing them suspiciously, he waited for the film to end.
Day Two...
The children sat in their chairs, hungry eyes following him around the room like lions watching an injured gazelle. The good doctor actually looked at the children and nearly choked. The two sitting front and center looked like chibi versions of Lucretia and Vincent. Swallowing hard, he turned to the board.
"Today we will discuss splicing."
He heard every chair in the room pull up closer to the tables. Cringing, he made several, quick, mostly unreadable notes on the board. Pencils scribbled behind him to copy the writing.
He turned. "Splicing is a relatively easy procedure and requires little equipment. However, the equipment necessary is expensive and so the processes are left to laboratories." He pulled out a video and slipped it into the VCR. "This is a video of a captured Wutai ninja being spliced to a Vulpes Vulpes, or common fox."
The children squealed in perverse delight as the video started up. Seizing the moment, Hojo opened the back door. Looking around, he saw no sign of the ominous Turk. He closed the door and found Tseng standing behind it.
"It would be a shame if your funding went away because you couldn't teach a few children."
Hojo went back inside. The children watched the video with a sick sort of rapture. The two look-alikes up front whispered to each other conspiratorially. Hojo opened the door again.
Tseng sighed. "Do NOT start with me, Hojo. You will NOT win."
Shaking with fear, Hojo closed the door.
Day Three...
The children were already in their chairs, waiting for him when he came in. A hand from the back shot up.
Hojo eyed the hand with growing alarm. "Yes?"
"Can we watch the splicing video again?"
Sudden relief gave way to overwhelming suspicion. "I take it that you found the film interesting."
"Oh yes, Dr. Hojo. It was fantastic!" a girl up front exclaimed. The rest of the class snickered.
"Are there any objections to watching Kakashi be spliced to a fox?"
Everyone shook their heads. Another hand shot up.
"Yes?"
"Can we watch it on a bigger screen this time?"
Hojo blinked and then lowered the projection screen before loading the video into the overhead. The children moved as one from behind the tables to sit in a circle, very close to the screen as the film played. Hojo opened the door to the hallway. Tseng was no where in sight.
He stepped out of the room, felt something touch his arm, and everything went black.
Day Four...
Hojo sat up in bed and looked at the clock. He had fifteen minutes till class. Yawning, he tossed his Hello Kitty pajamas into the corner and pulled on his pants and lab coat. Walking to the classroom, he froze when he touched the door knob.
"I never left the class..." he muttered. He looked around, panicked. And then he caught a look at himself in the glass door of the classroom.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tseng opened the door and looked down at the good doctor, who was currently fetal. Smiling, he closed the door. "Great job, kids!" He pulled out two HUGE bags of candy. "Time for recess."
The Seventh Circle of Hell (and dropping...)
Hojo marched up the steps to the President's office. Rufus looked up from his desk and Scarlet dropped her coffee mug. Hojo nearly ripped the door off of its hinges and walked inside. Slamming his fists on the President's desk, he managed to dent the wood.
"I WILL make you suffer for this indignity!" he spat before turning on heel.
"And, I'll cut your funding... Furry."
Hojo screamed with rage. Rude and Reno grabbed the good doctor by the arms and dragged him back to his lab. Rufus looked through the broken door at his father. The President smiled and nodded at his son before handing Tseng, who stood behind him, a large wad of Gil.
"What the hell?" Scarlet asked.
Tseng looked up. "Wanna guess what the kids spliced him with?"
Scarlet shook her head. "I don't know... a marlboro?"
Rufus' jaw dropped when the answer suddenly came to him. "It was a muskrat!"