Jaspers POV
They just didn't get it! They don't understand how hard it is! None of them are perfect! They have all had their mistakes so why are mine the only ones that get dragged back up whenever I try to prove myself?
I was running again. I didn't want to stop. I always found that running made everything clearer…at least that's what I told myself. I couldn't help but smile at the irony at it and wonder if perhaps that's why vampires were given super speed...so they could just run without having to worry about anything.
I didn't want his life. I was forced into it. Many of my kind are in fact. But I got use to it and back in the day i was a damn fine vampire. Yes i admit i was a vivid human drainer and yes i did enjoy it. But since Alice found me, I have tried not to be. I tried for the family that took me in. For Esme who reminded me so much of my own ma and for Carlisle who gave me a chance to be something better than a murderer and new born killer. For thats the reason why i was created, to kill the new born that weren't good enough for the queen bitch. That would be my maker, maria.
I shook my head and kept running. They never understood for all that they tried. I was something that they couldn't understand. i was a vegetarian, had been for a long time but yet still the smell of blood sung to me. Hell, they didn't kick up a huss when Golden Boy Edward wanted a taste of Bella. Oh no. Not him, he was bloody perfect in their eyes. He could never do anything wrong! The fucking bastard! What did he know?! Just because he can reads minds he believes that he knows everything and anything about everyone. Well the little prick was wrong! Yes, Etty's blood had the sweetest smell I have ever smelt. Yes her blood called out to be drunk. Yes at the beginning I wanted nothing more than to come up behind her, tilt her long slender neck to the side and sink my teeth deep into her jugular vein and drink her sweet elixir until there was nothing left. But then I got to know her. I got to know that behind the strong, tough exterior is a soft, shy beautiful woman. A woman who has seen things no one should ever have to. A woman who, against all odds has become stronger and overcome her demons...well some of them. I have a funny feeling there is a lot of deep seeded rage and sadness just dying for her to let it out. But no one can blame the darling for wanting to keep it hush hush. This town was famous for its rumour mill.
I finally met a women who just...got me. Who was as fucked up and lost as i was and my family cant handle it. I growled loudly and punched a tree as i ran past it. I barely felt the contact but a loud crash behind me told me it was alot harder than i meant it to be.
Why was I always the one on watch? Just because we were vampires didn't mean we didn't make mistakes! Maybe my mistake was thinking I could ever deserve the love of someone like Etty. I stopped short sending the dirt i was running on flying up around me. Love. Love? Did I love her? I thought back to the convocation I had with Edward. I had told him that I was falling in love with Etty. But was I? I mean yeah sure, she is gorgeous and talented and sweet and understanding and caring. She had this way about her that would light up a room and a smile that made everything better. She could hold her own against anyone and didn't take shit from anyone especially Rose. She had a fucked up past (from what I could piece together) and it was obvious, other than Bella and Charlie, she was completely alone in this world. She was cheeky and had a wit about her that was both sarcastic and clever. And her lips! I groaned in memory of them. They were soft and sweet and tasted so sweet, like the fruit from heaven itself. But did I love her? I shook my head and kept running. I didn't deserve love. Hell, half the time I believe that I don't deserve life after what I did.
But you went to the treaty line to get her back. You melt when she smiles at you. And all you want to do is spend forever in her arms. The little voice in my head said. I shook my head, pushing myself harder and faster. I had to get away from my thoughts. I was too confused. How does one know what love is? How does someone like me deserve the love from someone so perfect? Where do I go from here?
Back to her.
I couldn't. Not yet at least. I needed to get my head together. I needed to know exactly what I wanted and how to go about it. I needed to be better for her. I wanted to be better because of her. Even if I didn't know what love was, I knew that I wanted her. A piece of me was aching just running from her. But I had to. I had to get away from everyone and everything.
I just had to run.