I couldn't sleep.
I was a bird and I couldn't sleep.
Not in a metaphorical "birds don't really sleep" sense. In a practical, real, sense. It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't get into that deep-snooze state I was calling sleep.
Not because there was a predator flying around. Not because there was a possible intruder venturing a bit too close to the territory's borders. Not because a crow was eyeing at one of our food cache.
No.
It was because of what had happened today.
Jacques.
The fight.
The murder.
How I had killed another bird for no other reasons than pointless revenge.
How I hadn't hesitated to risk my life to commit a murder.
How I… No... I hadn't risked my life. I had lost it, in a way.
After the fight, I had a broken wing and a busted eye. Both injuries, on their own, were serious enough to kill me. The only reason I had survived was that I could morph to heal my injuries.
No, wait. That wasn't completely true. Being able to morph hadn't saved my life: knowing I could morph had.
The only reason a predator hadn't eaten me was pure luck. If I was still alive to perch in my nest, it was only because I happened to fly near the barn while Tobias was there and that Jake happened to use a peregrine falcon morph and that Tobias had been unsure if I was a random falcon or Jake in morph and that the Animorphs – as the teenagers called themselves – had decided to tell me I could morph and how to do it.
If Jake had acquired any other birds than a peregrine falcon, I would have been dead.
If I had been hunting in my territory instead of travelling, I would have been dead.
If Tobias had spotted the differences between Jake and me, I would have been dead.
If I had decided to ignore Tobias to contact him later, I would have been dead.
If. If. If. If.

I looked at the two young birds behind me. They had almost died too, and not just when Jacques had attacked the nest. If it weren't for me being chased by an alien, going paranoiac and getting in that construction site, they would have died of cold inside their eggs – or, if the weather was hot enough, died of hunger as no one would be around to feed them.
In a way, it wasn't different for Spirit. When we had first met, he was hiding inside a hole because he wasn't able to take flight. If it weren't for the chase and the paranoia that followed, nobody would have spotted him except a hungry cat – who, of course, wouldn't say no to such an easy meal.
I smiled inside myself. Somehow, it was comforting to think surviving thanks to incredibly unlikely events was a family thing.
I ruffled my feathers and closed my eyes, hoping the comfort would be high enough to grant me some sleep. I slowed my respiration and focused on the pleasant sensation of the wind running on my feathers. Nothing else mattered. I was in my nest, with my family. The young birds were sleeping, and Spirit was standing guard with me. I had nothing to worry about. There was just the breeze caressing my feathers.
And Jacques.
Dammit.
I opened my eyes and looked at Spirit. No ways I was going to sleep this night. I might as well do something instead of wasting my time like this.

« Hey, I'm just going to fly a little, ok? I have some trouble sleeping and I need to relax a little. I'll be back soon. » I told Spirit before taking off.
It was a lie. True, I did have trouble sleeping and I did need to relax a little but this wasn't why I wanted to fly at night.
The real reason was simply that I wished to morph Jacques. To become him. To understand him and see the world from his perspective.
But, of course, there was no way I could do that anywhere near my family. None of them knew about the yeerks or my morphing ability and I didn't want them to get worried or scared if they saw a great horned owl flying around the nest. (Not to mention how Spirit would probably attack me on sight.)
So I flew away from my nest for a few minutes and, once I was sure I was too far to be seen, landed on the roof of a building. Some kind of warehouse, I think.
I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, yeah, I knew morphing gave you the instincts of the morphed species and I had a reasonable idea of what the owl's instincts could be but I had no idea how it would be like to actually have "new" instincts. Anyway, I would know soon enough.
I focused on my old enemy and waited for the transformation to finish.

It took me a few seconds to realize the instincts had kicked in. Not because I was too overwhelmed by them to realize it or because I was distracted by something or anything of the like.
Simply because there was nothing to notice.
Simply because I was morphing a fellow raptor.
Simply because the instincts I "received" were no different than my normal instincts; all that changed was the hunting style (slowly sneaking on the prey instead of chasing them at flank speed) and the choice of preys (rodents instead of tasty pigeons).
I looked at "my" body.
I was still a bird. I was still a raptor. Apart the size and the colors, there were no differences with my real body. I still had feathers, I still had wings, I still had an amazing eyesight and I still had sharp claws meant to cut trough skin.
Since the very day I had noticed Antoine's death, I had demonized Jacques. I had continuously imagined him as some sort of demonic bird gorging himself with babies and used that image to convince myself he had to die; after all, he was evil and his death could only be a good thing.
But now, I had no choices but to realize how mistaken I was. Sure, what he did was wrong, but, in the end, he was just a raptor doing his best to survive.
Like me.
I had to stop fooling myself. What I had done was also wrong. I shouldn't have killed Jacques. Not when several weeks had already passed. I should have left him alone and focused my efforts on making sure Beatrice and Colin could learn to fly in a safe environment.
Not that I had any real regrets over it. Or that I wouldn't do it again.
Anyway.
What was done was done. It was time to turn the page and pass to another chapter.

I walked to the edge of the roof, spread my wings open and took off. I already knew where to go: Cassie's house. If I was to stay awake all night, I might as well go see someone to show I was still alive.
I wasn't sure why I wanted to see her in particular. She wasn't the only Animorph – as they called themselves – and, except Tobias, she was the farthest away from my current position. Yet, it was her I wanted to see. Maybe I just wanted to talk to someone and knew Cassie would understand my feelings?
If that was the true reason, maybe it was a better idea to go see Tobias? We both lived in the same world and we both used to be humans. He wouldn't have any troubles understanding whatever I would talk about – let it be about the raptor world or the "ex-human" world.
On the other claw, going there wouldn't be as easy. Even if owls had an excellent night vision, I wasn't used to fly as one and, although I would probably be able to land on a tree at night without problems, I didn't want to make my first attempt at it when I was tired and distracted. Not to mention how I might scare him since owls sometime attacked hawks.
(And no. Going as a peregrine wasn't an option. Even if I could see well enough to hunt some preys, I wouldn't try myself at landing in a forest I barely knew).

Three minutes later, I landed on a tree next to what looked like Cassie's bedroom. Yeah, I know, that's a long time. But, what do you want? It's hard to go anywhere quickly when you have a big, flat, face slowing you down.

« Hey, Cassie. You're there? »
I regretted saying that as soon as she sat up. Or, more exactly, regretted waking her up. She was a human, not a bird. She needed some time to fall asleep and a longer, uninterrupted resting period.
But, of course, I was too used to my bird life to remember that detail.
« I… I'm the owl. I acquired Jacques before killing him » I said as she walked to the window, obviously exhausted. « I just wanted to say I survived the fight. »
"It's the middle of the night, Busa." She said after opening the window.
« Yeah, I know. Sorry. I know it will seem ridiculous, but I didn't think I would wake you up like that. I'm too used to the bird-sleep. »
"That's not what I meant." She said. "I know the fight didn't last the whole day. Why didn't you come sooner?"
I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Talk about understanding my feelings. I hadn't even opened my beak yet and she already knew why I was here.
« I also wanted to talk. But, since it's the middle of the night and it's nothing urgent, I'll just wait until tomorrow. Sorry for waking you up. »
"Don't go." She said before I could even spread my wings. " You woke me up in the middle of the night and morphed an owl you hated and fought to death. You need to talk and it is urgent."
I took a long pause before answering. She was right. I didn't want to talk: I had to talk.
« Ok, fine. Where do you want me to start? »
"By this evening. We had a meeting, remember? Why didn't you show up?"
Shit. The meeting. I had completely forgotten about it. Was I that unused to follow strict schedules? Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. As a wild bird, I wasn't bound by any artificial time constraints; except, of course, the day/night cycle and the weather.
« I simply forgot there was one. »
I looked at my claws. They weren't really different from my normal ones, apart the size.

« I… The fight. It was ugly » I said after staring at Cassie silently. « And… I should have died. I had a broken wing and my left eye was busted. Like… If it weren't for the morphing power, I wouldn't be here to talk to you. »
I expected her to say something. To say attacking Jacques was stupid. To say I should have listened to her and left him alone. To say I had to remain "human". To say I wasn't 100% falcon and would never be.
But she didn't. She just stayed silent. And listened.
« You were right. I couldn't win against a great horned. And it wasn't protection. Just… revenge. Murder. »
I looked at my claws again. Jacques' claws. Less than a day ago, they were used against me in a deadly fight. A fight I had begun because a bird I considered to be part of my family had died.
And I had been a bird for just two months. Two months. Two months and I was already willing to risk my own life for another bird. Two months and I was already thinking of myself as a real raptor. Two months and I already saw three birds as my family.
Two months ago, I would have called myself crazy and asked for professional help.
Maybe I was crazy.
Unless it was perfectly normal and the whole thing was just me adapting to my new situation.

« Am I crazy? » I asked without transition. « I mean, if I didn't know how to morph, I would have died today. I would be dead after attacking some random owl because he killed a bird. »
"But you knew you could morph to heal your injuries. You knew you would be able to survive any injuries so long you managed to stay alive for more than a few minutes. Attacking Jacques might not have been very smart, but it wasn't crazy at all. "
I stayed silent for a few seconds.
« I was planning to kill him long before meeting Tobias. I was ready to die in that fight. I would have attacked him, morphing power or not. When I say I would have died today, I mean it. If I hadn't met you, I would be dead. »
"You've been a falcon for two months and you took care of those birds since their births. What you did might be reckless, but it wasn't crazy."
I took a long pause. It… made sense. I was a falcon, not a human. Not acting "human" was perfectly normal.
Yet… It still didn't felt normal.
« Hey, can you keep a secret? » I asked « It's not something that would put anyone in danger. »
"Sure, what is it?"
« So, if I told you my name, you wouldn't repeat it to the others? »
"No."
« It's Christopher Roger. » I told her. « I… I just want someone to know it before I die. I mean, I can't turn back into my old self so nobody's going to know that "Christopher" is dead since my "old" body will never be found. So, yeah. when I die, could you please make sure nobody is searching for me? »
"Ok, wait." She said as he went to her desk to grab a pen and a piece of paper. "Do you remember your social security number? It'll be easier to track your relatives with it."
I would have smiled if my "mouth" weren't so solid. It was quite kind of her to think of that small detail and to actually do something about it.
« Yes, it's 078-05-1120 » I said. « And, thanks. »
"No need to thank me. It's nothing."
« I'm thanking you anyway. It means a lot to me. » I told her.
There was a short silence. Clearly, none of us had anything else to say.
« So, huh… I guess I'll go now. »
"Before you go, we planned another meeting tomorrow, at ten. Want to join us?"
« Yeah, sure. Why not? » I answered.
"Just don't forget to show up, this time."
« Don't worry. I don't have any plans for tomorrow, so I should be good. » I said as I turned around and spread my wings. « Have a good night and sorry again for waking you up. »
"It's ok. Good night to you too."

I took off in the dark night and headed toward my territory, making sure to stay out of my family's sight until I had fully demorphed.