24. AN IMPASSE

My first thought was pain. I could feel my leg ache and my palm. Then I felt the pillow under my head, too soft to be mine. The sheets were strange too. Stiff. They smelled like new—not comfortable, but like I was the first to use them. It made me feel uneasy. This wasn't home.

I opened my eyes and saw white. White sheets. White walls. I flexed my fingers. My left hand was bandaged around the wrist and across my palm. My eyes traced my body to my leg, which was in a cast. I was in a hospital room. The door was open. The steady bleed of a monitor somewhere beside me skipped a bleep. A cold hand touched mine.

Edward stood beside the bed and he'd taken my unscathed hand. "Bella."

"Edward." My voice was groggy from sleep. It wasn't sore though. I'd thought for sure after all that screaming it would be. It only felt dry. I tried to move my other hand, but it was bound tightly.

Edward helped me sit up, watching every bandaged part of me with concerned eyes. He offered me a cup of water. I drained it in seconds. It didn't quench my thirst.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"The hospital. We're still in L.A.," Edward explained. "Carlisle finally convinced Charlie to leave the room."

My chest tightened. "Why did he need to leave the room?"

"That chair isn't as comfortable as it looks." Edward nodded towards the chair on the opposite side of the bed, now leaning against the wall. It didn't look comfortable at all. It looked worn. The arms were wood without anything cushioning. The back was sunken, probably from worried fathers or friends leaning against it, waiting. "He deserved a moment to stretch his legs. Alice promised to sit with you, and that seemed to appease him."

"Alice?"

"Hey." She stood beside Edward. She'd been like a ghost in the room, only visible when she wanted to be. She smiled, but her usual energy had been bottled, only showing slightly, and her eyes were dark.

I reached forward and she copied me, letting me take her hand. "Alice, are you okay?"

Some of her energy brightened her eyes and her smile widened. "You're the one in the hospital, Bella," she reminded me.

"I remember…you said you knew him," I said. Thinking about that night made my head heavy, like there were cotton balls insulating my skull. There was too much in my head. But maybe because, even though I'd woken up less than a minute ago, I was awake enough to know I needed to suppress some things about that night. I needed the heavy headedness, the insulation to keep back the details that would hurt too much.

Alice slid onto the bed next to my cast. She patted my uninjured leg. "Yes, yes. I guess it's good you haven't suffered any brain trauma, but I was hoping you'd forget most of that night."

"That night," I asked, "how long has it been…?"

"Almost a week," Edward said.

I stared down at my figure clothed in bed-sheets. I'd never lain in bed for a week before. I thought it was bad enough when I slept until eleven on a summer day. No wonder I felt more like a wrapped doll than a human being.

"It's been a week and this still needs a bandage?" I raised my bandaged palm. I couldn't see any signs of red under the gauze.

"It was deep," Edward said. His eyes darkened and he scowled. He stared at my hand, but he was seeing something else, maybe re-playing the events of that night.

"James is dead," I said, "right?"

"He's dead," Edward said. It was quick and cold, leaving no room for doubt.

"James is the reason I'm a vampire," Alice said quietly. Like Edward, though her eyes were aimed at my palm she was looking somewhere far away. "I can't remember it all. But I know that much. He had something to do with it."

"You didn't recognize him before? I mean, when we were trying to track him down, maybe in one of your visions?"

Alice smiled sadly. "It…was…the feeling of him," she said. "I didn't recognize his face. I recognized him. Before I was so focused on other things, like trying to find him or protect you, that I didn't really notice him." She laughed sharply. "I know that sounds odd, but that's the truth." She shook herself, like shaking off a bad taste, like she had sucked on a lemon. Her lips pursed. "At least we have one bad thing out of the way."

I frowned. "One bad thing? There's more?"

"Victoria got away," Edward said.

"She was pretty damn unhappy when Emmett let slip with killed her boyfriend," Alice added. "So she ran." She shrugged.

"Will she come back?"

"You're safe, Bella," Edward promised. He kissed my forehead. "She isn't like James. She wouldn't be willing to endanger her own life to get close to you. I got inside her head a few times. She has an irresistible survival instinct."

I nodded. James was dead. Victoria had been run off. I was in the hospital, alive, and my dad was somewhere in the building. What I was most grateful for was the soreness in my palm. James had left me a scar. It was a permanent punishment for what had happened. But I wasn't a vampire.

"Carlisle saved me," I whispered, more for my own benefit, to hear it out loud so I could start to believe it.

"You asked him to," Edward said, with a curious distance in his voice. He wasn't touching me anymore.

I expected Alice to say something. But she didn't. When I looked for her, I realized she'd escaped. I was alone with Edward.

Edward stood facing the door. He had his arms crossed. He was silent. Normally he was composed enough to pass for a model at a photo shoot. Not today. His dusk-blue shirt was wrinkled, one side of the collar upturned. His hair seemed darker than usual, like it has lost years of sunlight highlighting. He probably could've used a hairbrush too. Yet he pulled off disheveled better than any mere mortal ever could. I combed my hand through my hair, trying to be inconspicuous, and found that my hair felt greasy, and was probably flat. I was glad the room didn't have any mirrors. I didn't look in the window long enough to try to pick out my reflection.

"I understand why," Edward said. "It was the wrong moment. And I know the last thing you'd want is to become a vampire because James forced you too." Edward pivoted, slowly, his eyes hesitant to find my face. "It should be your choice. You had every right to ask Carlisle to save you."

"You're right," I said firmly. "I did."

Edward nodded. He stayed where he was, a few feet away, equal distance between me and the door. He could approach me as easily as he could run away from me.

"I won't push you again." He closed his eyes. "I swear to you, I won't make that decision for you." He opened his eyes. His eyes shone, like he might cry, but he couldn't. Tears were for humans. "I won't bring it up again."

A knot wriggled in my stomach. He was in pain. He was feeling guilty—drowning in it, and I wasn't even willing to reach out my hand to help him. Maybe I was the monster. Maybe James had turned me into one. Carlisle had tried to save me, but maybe it was too late the second James took my mom.

"Thanks," I said. It wasn't the best I could do, but it was the best I was willing to do. I hated to let James win something, but he had won. He might not have walked away but he'd killed and he'd made it impossible to forgive Edward for luring me into his world.

"You're angry with me," Edward said.

"Yes."

"I understand."

"You should."

Edward's eyes found mine. The anger in my eyes had been strong, but the coldness in his gaze forced my rage to cool.

"I am truly sorry for what James did to you," he said, "and for what he did to your mother."

"He killed her." My jaw clenched. "He killed my mom," I spat through my teeth, fingers balling around the sheets. "Because I was close to you."

"I am sorry—"

"That's not enough!" I grabbed the vase of flowers from the table beside me and threw them at his head with as much force as I could. The movement stretched bruises that I hadn't realized I'd had. I'd grabbed it with my bandaged hand, and the contact had made my palm itch.

Edward caught the vase without blinking. He placed the vase back on the table and picked up a tulip that had slipped out during the toss.

"You need some time," he said quietly. "It won't be easy, to let you go, but I will allow you time to heal."

Edward leaned over me. I burrowed my head back into the pillow, but he ignored the action. He touched my neck and he touched his lips to mine. I closed my eyes. I felt sick. Woozy. Despite how angry I was, his lips were distracting. I could almost imagine forgiving him, telling him I didn't need that much time, as long as we didn't talk. If he kissed me and we never talked again and only touched me I might feel okay. I didn't say that though. I waited until I couldn't feel him in the room and then I opened my eyes. I listened to my heart monitor beeping wildly, slowing to a normal pace as I watched it. I watched it for a few minutes, maybe twenty minutes, wondering if it was better to have a steady heartbeat forever or if maybe I was already too changed to be satisfied with steady.

Alice knocked on the door, although she was already halfway inside, and she didn't pause to ask if she could come in. The knock was a courtesy. I was already in the hospital. I'd had enough surprises for a while.

"Bella?"

I crossed my arms. "Alice?"

"I thought I'd wait for you to beat up Edward before I talked to you." Her tone was teasing, but her smile was faltering. "That way you might be less angry with me."

"Angry? With you?" My brow furrowed. "Why—" I stopped, my mind memory catching up with her words.

She had been right about one thing. I'd gotten angry with Edward even though he hadn't done any deliberate damage. He was a fellow victim. He had definitely played a big part of bringing misery into my life, but I knew in my heart that if he could choose everything that happened to me, he would keep away all the bad. He'd failed to keep me safe and he hadn't rescued Mom—but it was Alice who had said there was a chance to save her.

Heat and rage came out in liquid form, out from my tear ducts, blazing over my lashes and down my cheeks. My breath quickened, becoming shallow, coming much too close to a break down. Alice, reaching her arm out as far as the length of it would allow her, held out a glass of water. I took it from her and drank. I dabbed my eyes with the edge of the bedsheets.

"You lied."

"I didn't lie!" Her eyes were as wide and circular as plates.

"You said that you saw a future where my mom lived."

"I did. But then…I…I'd always had a terrible feeling that something was wrong with it," she confessed, her voice lowering the more she said, afraid of the damage her words would do. "When we were waiting in the car I saw that future, where your mom…and I saw what would happen to her, to you, to my family…the further I looked, the more I was afraid. When I told you that it came down to timing, I wasn't lying, Bella. I really saw that future. But it wasn't a happy one." She sat down on the edge of the bed by my feet. She picked at a loose thread with her nails, loosening it until it was long enough to twist around her fingertip. "Your mom couldn't cope. She became paranoid. She took you away from Forks. You go with her, because you're worried that she'll get worse if you don't. Then she got depressed, and so did you. Your mom blames Edward for getting you involved with dangerous people. It's not long before she comes after our family. She draws too much attention. Our family has to disappear. But Edward…he loves you, Bella. He wouldn't leave you."

I closed my eyes. Alice's described future made sense. One event leading to another. That was how Alice saw the future. Every choice led to another choice, and she'd seen what the future I'd asked her for would do. It would destroy her family. Mom would've been alive, but she wouldn't be stronger for it. Mom had always been delicate and sensitive. She broke down over simple things. She'd be jittery with bright red cheeks whenever she was running late for an appointment. When she burnt Christmas dinner one year she cried for three hours sitting on the kitchen floor. She was at times the most cheerful person in the world, because simple things made her immeasurable happy. The same could be said for the bad things that no one else would think about twice. She'd never be okay after what James did to her.

I could imagine every step of her breakdown. She'd start with putting more locks on her door. She'd keep a baseball bat in her room, beside her bed. Phil would probably understand in the beginning. He might encourage her to take a self-defense class. He'd definitely agree with her when she told me I wasn't allowed to see Edward anymore. She would jump at every shadow. She would refuse to walk anywhere alone, even to go from a strip mall door to her car parked in the space three feet from the door. Or maybe she'd run from the door to her car. She might drop her keys and start bawling, thinking that was the chance that someone needed to kidnap her again. Phil might love Mom now, but they hadn't known each other long. What if he got tired of her paranoia? What if he decided to leave her? She'd be alone. I'd have to move back in with her. That wouldn't be enough to reverse the fear, but she would be able to sleep at night with someone else close by.

But then Edward wouldn't give up on me. Mom wouldn't let him near me. Because how could I lie and say Edward had nothing to do with it when James had taunted me about Edward? Mom didn't need a superior intellect to connect the dots. So I would be miserable stuck supporting my terrified mother and Edward wouldn't waste anytime saving me from that shitty situation. Whether I asked him to take me away or not, he would. Mom wouldn't survive that. Not to mention how dangerous it would be for the Cullens with Mom going to the police trying to track them down and separate Edward and I. It wasn't exactly the happy ending I'd wanted it to be.

"You had to protect your family," I said hoarsely. "I understand."

"But you're mad."

"Yes."

"You want me to go away?"

"Yes."

"Forever?"

I opened my eyes. "Alice, you're psychic. Answer your own questions."

She stood. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I know that an apology doesn't help much right now, but I am. Sorry. And when you're ready to see me again I'll say sorry again. As many times as you need me to. I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes and rolled over to stifle the sobs I could keep in anymore. The pillowcase quickly dampened. I was awake now. Wide awake.

The next arms that wrapped around me weren't cold, but warm. I ignored the tug of the cords I was hooked up to and let Dad pull me in close. I let him rock me back and forth. He apologized to me. Like there was anything he could've done. He was here. He was with me. But I couldn't tell him what had really happened. He here, but I was alone. The only other person I loved who had come close to knowing the truth was dead. What was I supposed to say to him?

I did the only thing I could. I apologized to him too. The words were slurred, more so every time I repeated them. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He'd loved her. They'd been high school sweethearts. They'd been married. He asked about her with a lonely look in his eyes every time I'd had a weekend or a summer with him. He'd never stopped considering her his family. She'd been stolen from both of us.

There was no way to go back and make everything okay again. I understood that. But I didn't know how to move forward. It was all too much. Impassable.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Second last chapter! Now for the Epilogue! Please, leave comments! I love reading them!