Notice that Light can't really reel in his emotions when it comes to Tsuki. As well as my interpretation of what the death note does to people.
Warnings: abuse I'll repeat, ABUSE. Lots of abuse. I can't specify or spoilers.
Chapter 25: Savages
We live, we die, we steal, we kill, we lie.
It was a slap to the face, a literal one, that I was faced with the realization that Light had changed greatly. I don't know if it is the death note. I don't know if it has changed me in as dramatic a fashion. If so, then I need to stop this. It's gone too far.
There was silence, no tangible tension. I looked up and saw him slumped in his chair, looking defeated. The unquestionable love I felt for my brother tugged at my heart. I bit my lip, hard, more blood touched my tongue. I got up and stood in front of him, looking at him with my arms crossed. We needed to talk, we had to. I couldn't leave my brother, I loved him too much. My hand gently took his and squeezed it to get his attention. He looked at me, his gaze unreadable. A spark was there, the same that flared in his eyes a moment ago. "Why?" I asked simply, his hand limp in mine.
"Why... do you question me? Constantly," He muttered. I released his hand and stared at him, perplexed. I blinked.
"Because if I didn't you would do things like kill our sister." I countered. My anger returning.
"I wouldn't have anyway, we're the only ones that know about her kidnapping." He stated plainly. I stared at him in horrified silence. I felt my body thumping with anger. He was just going to use that as his fucking excuse, not that she was our sister. My body moved before I could think. I slapped him hard enough that my own hand burned. I remembered the last time I had hit someone, come to think of it, he didn't deserve it as much as Light did.
"Asshole," I growled.
He was sat up now, hand cupping his red, bruising cheek. He stared at me incredulously. There was a moment of silence, with tension that could be cut with a knife. My glare unwavering. I didn't expect to be sent to the floor. He moved faster than my mind could catch. It wasn't his hand, it was a fist that collided with my left eye. My vision went black for a moment. I found myself on the floor, Light standing above me fists clenched and a snarl on his lips.
"You never listen to me! Everything I do, nothing I do isn't questioned by you. Why is that? Team... bullshit!" He snapped. My fingers gingerly touched my cheek. I gulped.
"We're a team, Light, but do you have any morals!" I shouted, sitting up from the floor. Again, his face contorted into rage and I was sent back to the floor, head hitting the wood floor. Things got blurry, but I refused to just give up. "Kira's ideals are not coinciding with your actions. You're being cruel, this is nothing but power now, winning a damn game."
I was trying to be calm about it. Hopefully he would listen, but was only met with another blow. I believe he kicked me, I couldn't see properly through my curtain of hair. I was sent into the wall, my stomach had been hit, the air knocked out of me. Maybe I should stay quiet, the more I spoke the further he was driving us apart. I laid there hoping he would leave. My hoping was futile, he grabbed my neck and sat me up against the wall. This wasn't Light this was the demon, an angry thing taking out his frustrations on me. "Misa listened... she didn't question me. Not like you do. You doubt your god."
His voice was soft, but his tone was scathing. Each word burned. "Stop... j-just... s...st-stop, we're getting... nowhere w-with this." I struggled to form a sentence, my breathing ragged.
"You still tell me what to do!" He shook me again, hand on my throat. "I am god of the new world..." He hissed. Finally, I broke, tears fell from my eyes. My chest constricted.
I was in a state of half-numbness, I felt everything but could do nothing but sob. He would stop now, right? Please, stop. I don't know how much more I could take of this. I refuse to ask what else he could do to me, for fear of what would come next. My vision faded in and out, black to color, fuzzy shapes to nothingness. My head hit the wall, and a wave a dizziness hit me full force.
"Say something else," He whispered. His breathing was erratic and his voice exasperated.
"Stop," I was barely able to say anything. Obey him for now, and then leave as soon as possible. If I did anything else I would be subject to more of this. I felt his head dip and rest on my shoulder, his hands dropped to my waist.
"Don't you love me... still?" He asked. I was feeling better, hopefully, he was calm. I didn't move, though.
"I... do... love you, very much, just... let me go." It was still hard to take in a breath without some form of pain. The hands on my waist tightened painfully. I yelped when my shoulder was bitten. What had I done?
"You don't want me anymore! You want to leave me!" He sat back, blood staining the corners of his mouth. "I've gotten on my knees... begging you. You've never done that, Tsuki, I don't think you've ever even apologized. Never cowered."
I didn't answer, didn't open my mouth. "Just apologize," He said.
Again, I didn't answer, silence seemed to be the best route with this. I had to hold on to the rational side of my brain, before I started begging. Silence wasn't the right thing, he growled.
I shrieked again when a hot hand found its way onto my thigh, up my skirt. It squeezed, "Answer me, for once in our lives, apologize!"
He wasn't thinking that right? What would he do, I choked down a sob and tried to push the hand off my leg. His retaliation was a punch to the stomach. The hand moved up my thigh, too close. Maybe my true reason for not speaking was pride. I didn't want to apologize, there was no reason to, I had done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. Nothing. Now I was faced with losing pride over giving up, or losing a part of myself to someone I loved so much. When he tugged at my undergarments, I gave up.
"I'm sorry!" I gasped. "I'm so sorry! Please no, please stop!"
He paused, his next words were so quiet I didn't know if I heard them right. "Fuck you,"
The next punch plunged me into blissful unconsciousness.
000
I woke up to the darkened room. I couldn't move without my entire body's complaints stopping me. There were new pains as well as ones I already knew of. My eye was swollen shut, my shoulder felt time it was on fire, my stomach was aching inside and out. Most of all, I felt empty. I didn't know emptiness was painful, but now I do. I am well aware of how painful complete hollowness is. I forced myself to sit up.
I was still in Light and Misa's hotel room, only it was plunged into darkness. A smell lingered in my nose, one of coffee and cinnamon. A smell I knew all too well.
The reality of what happened sank in and tears fell freely from my eyes. I was hyperventilating with the sobs I was trying to keep quiet. My very being felt wrong, my skin didn't fit to my muscles, my muscles hung from my bones. I felt disgusting. I was so angry and so terrified to make a sound.
My one eye could just barely adjust to the darkness of the room. I tried to concentrate, to look around and find the bag I had left by the hotel room door. I made out its black shape and tried to get up, only to fall back to my knees. I begrudgingly just crawled instead. I made it to the door and used it as leverage to get onto my feet. I made it that time, but my knees were wobbly and I had to wait for them to get used to my weight. I tried not to think of the circumstances, instead focusing on standing and getting my bag.
I didn't know what I looked like, but I wasn't going to go down to the hotel lobby looking however I did. I unzipped and dug through it for a hoodie, I pulled out the first jacket I got my hands on. I put it on and donned the hood. I debated on leaving the bag behind; the death note was in it and the plastic bag. I choked on my breath and pulled out the damned book, I threw it across the room and it landed on the couch. I didn't care, I just wanted to leave and I wanted no part of the book.
I zipped the bag back up and opened the hotel door, on wobbly legs I dragged the bag with me to the elevator. Thankfully, it was too late for there to be much company in either the elevator and hopefully the lobby. As I leaned against the bars in the elevator I took out my phone to check the time, 1:22 am. The last time I knew of, before I blacked out, was around nine. I had been left on the floor for four hours. My body shivered in some unmanageable emotion, one I didn't want to define.
It was a bit easier to walk now, I was still very weak and I could barely see with just one eye. When the warm California air hit me, I sighed in relief wincing at the action. I limped on to the convenience store a block or two away and went to the alleyway first. I went behind a trashcan and sat onto the concrete. I opened my bag back up and saw sitting there the plastic bag of clothes.
I didn't realize I had been in a fog until my vision in my good eye cleared. I started to shake again and held onto the bag. I sobbed, crying into the plastic and feeling about the size of the pathetic cockroaches skittering around me. I saw the tear in my skirt, a smudge of blood on my thigh. My stomach churned and I was caught up in a wave of nausea and turned my head into cardboard box a foot away. I vomited up everything I had eaten that day. Even when I had emptied the contents of my stomach, I still gagged into the box. Spit and bile climbing out of my throat. I wiped my mouth shakily and turned back to the clothes in my bag. I picked up a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
Gingerly, I put the plastic bag back into the suitcase. I got up, almost falling but catching myself this time. I paused to get my bearings and walked around the corner into the store to change. I could've changed in the alley, but I didn't need to feel any dirtier than I already did.
A bell rang, signifying my arrival into the store but echoed through my head. It was a haunting memory of a time when I was caught between what I believed in and what I loved. I clenched my teeth and scanned the small store and found the sign proclaiming the way to the bathrooms. I made my way there as quickly as my unsteady legs could take me. In the background I heard a grouchy cashier call after me, "You have to buy something."
I ignored the man and went straight into the bathroom marked for women. I set the clothes on the sink and hesitated. I didn't want to look up, but I had to clean myself up. With as much enthusiasm as a prisoner on death row, I looked up and gasped.
My left eye was shiny, purple, and swollen shut. My cheek was scarlet red, and my bottom lip was split, dried blood coloring my lip. They were injuries I felt and knew I had, but I didn't know that they looked like this. I blinked and grabbed some paper towels. As carefully as I could manage, I cleaned the wounds of blood. My lip looked better, but my eye was still the same, the bruise the size of an orange. My eyebrow had been split open, but I had cleaned that up.
I was hardly satisfied, but I settled for this. So, I moved on to changing. I took off my skirt and didn't even look down, just blindly put the jeans on. I took off my button up, which was stained in blood, and saw the bite on my shoulder. That bruise took up most of my shoulder, it was swollen just as much as my eye. I saw the bruises on my hips, looking perfectly like hands. I shook my head of the thoughts, ignoring the injuries. I slipped on the t-shirt and the put the jacket back on.
I buried my clothes in the trash can, under paper towels and empty bottles. I sat on the floor for a moment. I was concentrating on not remembering, just thinking of a way to leave, get away from all of this. I was done, I couldn't do this anymore and I wouldn't.
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. I cleared my sore throat, testing it to make sure it wasn't horribly rusty, and answered, "I will buy something." I still failed to sound normal.
"I don't mean that, are you alright?" That wasn't the cashier, it was a different voice. I turned my head to the door, closing my eyes from the dizzy spell catching me off guard.
"I'm… fine, I'll be out in a minute." I said, no more confident than the last statement. It didn't help that my english was a tad rusty from little use.
"You don't sound fine," The voice wasn't concerned, it was sarcastic. I glared at the door flinching from the effort.
"Just fuck off," I barked, wincing again from the strain. The voice scuff, but I heard no footfalls indicating they had given up. So, I got up and tugged the hood as far as I could. I opened the door, my vision going blurry. I wobbled on my feet. The stranger took a hold of my arm, on the inside I flinched away, but I had enough of my sense back not to visibly show my discomfort. "Just leave me be, I'll be fine."
"I don't think so, you're about to pass out." I picked up on just a hint of sympathy in the voice. I frowned.
"Leave me alone," I demanded and tried shaking my arm from his grip. It was no use, he was automatically stronger, simply because of how weak I was. The effort only served to bring on another dizzy spell.
"Do you have any stuff, you had to have gotten those clothes from somewhere?" He asked, I let slip from my mouth an honest answer, "Alley… way… leaf me…"
I lost it after that. I don't remember anything else, I never even got a look at the stubborn stranger.
000
I woke up to the sound of voices.
"She'll have permanent damage in her eye if she doesn't get proper care, she's got a broken rib and…" The voice was the soft timber of a doctor, I knew. I internally groaned, the stranger had taken me to the hospital. The doctor had paused though, uncertainty in his voice. "There are bruises on her hips and vaginal tearing."
"She was raped." That voice was the stranger's voice, I knew. He didn't seem surprised, his voice very matter-of-fact. I realized that I wasn't hooked up to anything, and the smell wasn't that of a hospital.
"She's also got a bite on her shoulder, which actually isn't uncommon in aggressive rapes. It's pretty bad, but there's nothing significantly bad. She might've been ambushed-" The doctor was interrupted.
"No, she wouldn't be stupid enough to get rid of the evidence if it was just a random rape." The stranger shot down. I wondered why he was so sure I wouldn't do such a thing, I didn't know the man. I didn't open my eyes and I didn't move.
The two were quiet for a moment.
"So, you believe what then? This needs to be reported to the police." The doctor insisted. I would've spoken up, but the stranger did so first.
"No, out of the question, for her sake and mine. If the person who did this were to see this on the news, and it would make it to the news, they wouldn't hesitate to find her again." Why was this stranger so certain? Light wouldn't- I shook my head. I covered my ears. I couldn't remember, if I did I would lose it. I refused to be reduced to that pathetic whining girl again in one night.
"She's awake now, doc, just go back to your business. You know the drill, say a word and you're dead." The stranger warned dryly. The doctor grunted and a door opened and closed. I heard boots walking towards me. I kept my eyes shut. "Tsuki Yagami," My eyes, eye, flew open and I stared into the face of the stranger.
Finally, I saw his appearance. He had a harsh look on his face, one that didn't quite match the delicate olive tone and sharp, bright blue eyes. His hair framed his face, just barely reaching his shoulders in a gold curtain. His sinewy frame covered in leather; leather vest, leather pants and I was sure his boots were leather. He seemed young, about a year or two younger than myself.
"Who are you?" I asked in my hoarse voice. His expression softened, fitting those features much better than the harsher one.
"You don't know me all that well, call me Mello." He offered. "I'm the one that kidnapped your sister."
My eye widened and I shot up, fighting the protests of my body and glared. I snarled, "You asshole." I didn't think he was lying, because no one knew of my sister's kidnapping but the kidnappers and the police force.
I raised my hand to hit him, but he stopped me. He grabbed my wrist with a gloved hand. He didn't look at all offended.
"I know, I'm sorry but I needed the notebook. If it means anything, I never had any intention to kill her. I knew you would hand over the book." He shrugged. Suddenly, a memory popped in my head. A watch, tension, my father escorting my sister away from the underground facility. My glare was quickly replaced by tears, insufferable tears. My sister, she would've died anyway. It didn't matter if this Mello wasn't going to. If he had been just a tad more desperate, my sister would be dead.
But was it this person's fault, that Sayu's older brother was so willing to kill his own family? A sob escaped me. "It's not your fault, if she were to have died, it wouldn't have been your fault." I croaked out.
I looked up to his shocked gaze. I did give up, one act, one moment changed my perspective. The evil in the eyes of someone I loved so much. I wanted it to end. I shook off his hand. Light needed to be stopped, I was the one who would do it.
It isn't shocking if you think about it. I was blind for so many years, even L's death hadn't given me back my sight. "I'm sorry," I whispered, not speaking to Mello. "Is this what it took?"
"Yagami, what are you talking about?" Mello asked, voice firm.
"What do you want the death note for?" I asked in return, taking as many calming breaths as I could. He hesitated.
"I want to be the best, simple as that. I need to catch Kira." He stated firmly.
"I see, well, you've got half of Kira sitting right here." I said, voice robotic. "I'll tell you everything, just be quiet."
I did just that. I sat back against the dusty pillows and Mello sat on the bed by my legs. The words ran from my mouth like water. I started from the beginning, leaving very little out. I told him honestly, I had killed Naomi Misora and many criminals. I told him that I knew exactly how the great detective L died and that I had been there when he took his last breath. I told him how I had taken the death note and became a Kira officially. I don't classify myself as a second or third. Light and I had shared the title, at least I believed so.
Once I got to the present, the kidnapping of the director and then Sayu. I stopped. I didn't go on, it was very easy for me to fudge those details. I just stopped the flow of words and watched him. His face was blank.
"Why would you tell me this? If you loved him so much…" He paused and looked me over, his eyes lingering on my eye, my lip, my shoulder. He nodded. "Well, we need proof. Which we've got with this notebook. We just have to disprove the thirteen day rule, that should be easy enough."
"I can help with the other details." I offered. "We could set cameras up in their hotel room, that would get proof of their using of the notebook. I'm sure Light will give the book to Misa, now that I'm out of the equation. She'll regain her memories and resume being the second Kira. I don't know anything from there."
"We'll act once you're better." I narrowed my gaze. Was he an idiot, I had the impression that he was smart, there was an air to him that reminded me of L. "Why? I'm nothing but the murder on a plea bargain."
"I don't care, you said you'd help. You can't help when you can barely walk without wincing or almost falling." He brushed me off and got up. I rolled my eye. "Oh, and the doc fixed you up with the basics. He says you have a concussion."
I nodded and sunk into the bed. "Well, I won't argue. I have very little energy for that, but can you do me a favor?"
He turned to me, face open, for once.
"Can you get me a plastic bag of clothes from my suitcase, that is if you got it." I requested softly.
"Sure," He nodded and left the room. He came back, looking a bit confused, he handed the clothes over. I took them and held them to my chest. I curled up on my side and held the clothes like they were a teddy bear. "Were you close to L?" He asked.
"Yes," I answered bluntly.
"What was he like?" His voice had changed from tough and hardened to that of wonder. I smiled.
"That's a long story, I'm tired." I stated, "I'll tell you when I get up again, Mello."
He laughed dryly. "Until then," He departed.
I didn't understand what I would do, I only knew that my future was dark no matter how I looked at it. I knew that there was something about the stranger Mello that reminded me of L, like a ghost. I knew that I would never be the same and that Light would not live through this. Those blasted tears pricked at my eyes. I didn't go to sleep for a while. I just shook with cries, cries I tried to keep silent.
Where had it gone wrong? I know exactly when.
The day he picked up that godforsaken notebook.
To be continued…
Song: Savages by Marina and the Diamonds
Please tell me how I did. I have no clue if this was very good or not.
Also, I kind of think of Light as suffering from the evil that is a killing notebook. But tell me, what would you like to happen to Light at this point?
Review! Please!