Later on that day, Arizona and Meredith ran onto each other again, this time with both of them leaving the OR next to the other. They both knew better not to play around and pretend it was ok to just act like teenagers in love, but at the same time, they needed so bad to live that love.
"Are you done for the day?" – Meredith asked.
"Almost. You?" – Arizona asked, not taking her eyes away from Meredith's.
"I'm done. Do you want to have dinner?" – Meredith invited.
"I do. But I can't, Mer. We can't. We know that" – Arizona said, refusing the invitation but getting closer and closer to Meredith.
"Why do we keep doing this, instead?" – Meredith asked, already pressing Arizona against the wall of the stairs and kissing the blonde.
"I don't know. We should stop" – Arizona said, kissing the other doctor.
"Do you want to?" – Meredith asked and they didn't say a word afterwards, they just entered the stairway and kissed passionately, like it was a request to be alive.
This was the daily routine of both doctors for the week, kissing and having sex in secret, every time they had a free time at the hospital. Arizona tried to begin the conversation with Sofia a thousand times but couldn't go forward, always afraid of how badly her daughter would react. The girl was already upset that she was missing Callie so bad, and Arizona didn't want to make things worse.
Things got harder when it was almost time for Meredith to go to Boston, to the Harper Avery's award. That prize was one of the most important on a doctor's career and even though Meredith didn't like to talk about winning, deep inside she was thrilled to be nominated. And every time she pictured someone holding her hand until they announce the winner, she could only see Arizona with her.
Meredith decided to share her thoughts with her girlfriend – although she didn't know for sure if they could have this girlfriend label until Arizona set things right with Sofia. She wanted to let the blonde know how much she needed her support and how much she wanted to have her by her side on that big night.
They were lying down inside an on-call room, wrapped on each other like the good old times when Meredith started.
"The big night is coming" – Meredith said, breaking that silence post-sex.
"The Harper Avery's?" – Arizona asked.
"Yes" – Meredith answered, feeling a little nervous to make the invitation.
"Are you nervous?" – Arizona asked, staring into Meredith's eyes and caressing her cheek.
"A little bit, I think. I'm more nervous now" – Meredith confessed.
"What do you mean?" – Arizona was confused.
"I'm more nervous about asking you to go with me. I need you there" – Meredith said and Arizona's face changed immediately.
"Mer…" – Arizona couldn't even finish the sentence. She didn't know how to say that she couldn't go.
"You won't go, will you?" – Meredith asked, feeling a tear running down her face.
"I wanted to, more than anything… But I… I can't let Sofia alone" – Arizona tried to explain, and wiped the tear from Meredith's face.
"You were right, we shouldn't be doing this. I love you, Arizona, but it hurts so much not being able to have you by my side on the most important day of my career" – Meredith said, picking up her scrubs from the floor and putting them on.
"I know, because it hurts on me, too. You know that I want to go, you know I love you." – Arizona said and Meredith didn't look at her, making the blonde grab her arm – "Mer, would you look at me?"
"It seems our love is never enough" – Meredith said, making Arizona exhale a deep breath she didn't even realize she was holding on.
"Don't say that, please. I love you, so much. I want to go, I want to scream to the world how proud I am of you, I want to marry you in front of the entire humanity because there's no one else I rather be with… I just wish my daughter didn't get hurt in the process" – Arizona explained.
"I understand your reasons, Arizona. I really do. But it doesn't make it hurt less" – Meredith said and left the room, leaving the blonde alone and crying.
That was it: after many and many days trying to forget that soon all of the reasons that made them apart a little while ago would come back and haunt them, the day arrived. And it was bad and sad. Meredith wasn't angry or disappointed, maybe because deep down she knew the way it would end anyway. She loved Arizona so much that even though she needed the blonde to make a move, she was suffering all along, imagining how hard it must be to make a decision that could compromise your relationship with your kid. Meredith knew better since she had 3 of her own at home, but luckily, she never had to face a situation like this.
Arizona was sad, and angry with herself, to be honest. How did things end like that? Why wasn't she able to fix things? She was losing her happiness and it was possible to see it fading right in front of her.
Meredith was leaving for Boston in two days and hopefully would come back with the award and Arizona was dying to know she wouldn't be there to applaud the woman she loves so much.
Arizona went home after that fateful day, hoping she could find a quiet and behaved Sofia, at least for just that night. All she needed was a shower and a good amount of sleep, to forget how awful this was and how weak she was. She never was a fearful girl: since the beginning, she was known as an adventurous and brave kid. As an adult, Arizona had to prove herself as a strong person every day, even when she didn't believe in that herself at times. But she was and she knew it. Somehow, Meredith was so much more than she expected that, maybe, even if just for a little bit, she was too afraid to lose that. And before this could happen, maybe she needed to realize she never had Meredith after all. Maybe because she never felt such a strong love and caring for someone like she does now. Maybe because all of her previous relationships required her to be someone different than she really was. She needed to prove herself right and flexible to fit the mold the other women created for her. But with Meredith, she just could be herself. A woman that needed to be taken care of, a woman who has her weaknesses and beliefs, someone who wanted to find a home inside a heart. To lose that was just too hard.
When Arizona arrived, she found a very awaken Sofia, running around and squealing along with her nanny. That joy always brightens Arizona up, but tonight she wanted to shut herself inside a dark bedroom and cry for all the things she wanted but couldn't have.
"Mommy!" – Sofia shouted, hugging Arizona.
"Hi, sweetie, how was your day?" – Arizona asked.
"It was good, and yours? Do you want to play with me and Valerie?" – Sofia invited her.
"Valerie needs to go home now and you need to get ready to bed" – Arizona ordered, paying the nanny and thanking her for the help with Sofia.
Thankfully, Sofia agreed to go to bed faster than Arizona expected and she finally could lay down in her own bed and cry herself out, until her phone rang.
- This is Robbins.
- Well, thank God you picked that damn phone. Can you explain to me what the hell you two are doing?
- Who's that?
Arizona was deeply confused and wasn't recognizing who was calling her.
- It's Amelia, Robbins. Come on, spill it out!
- What do you mean, Amelia?
- You and my sister! She's miserable again and won't talk to anyone, and rumor has it you weren't a bag of sunshine yourself today either. What's going on?
- The same thing, Amelia. It's not her fault.
- This is no one's fault but can't you see you will end up hurting each other badly? Why don't you sit and talk?
- We already did it. We did everything we could. Until I get Sofia agreeing with us, there's nothing else to do.
- Well, then talk to Sofia, Arizona. Not just because of Meredith, or you. But because you two deserve better than getting hurt like that. And your daughter deserves better than being responsible for something she doesn't even understand properly. I'm flying with Meredith tomorrow to Boston, I've changed our flight. I suggest you hurry up because there's one person she will want to see when she's up on that stage receiving that award, and you know this person is you.