My eyes closed as soon as we sat down, and I fell into a shallow doze full of too-real dreams.
...
So much ice and rock...and cold. Never been this cold…
Liftoff pushed me deeper into my seat…
No pressure to be the perfect one...not like…him...
Metal clashed amidst wind and darkness...
...
Pain in my elbow jolted me awake. I jerked my arm away from the passing drink cart as the flight attendant smiled in silent apology. My eyes adjusted to the dim light of the cabin, dirty glasses turning its atmosphere hazy. I peeled my cheek from the headrest to stare out the small window at the sky beyond Loki's profile. Darkness above and clouds below. Pretty much the same everywhere, right Steve?
The coat was non-responsive. I sighed and turned to look down the aisle.
"You slept for little more than an hour," Loki said, his head now twisted to look out the window.
"Did I disturb anyone?"
He didn't reply.
"Christ I did, didn't I? That why the flight attendant knocked into me...Shit. Shitshitshit. I fucked up. I-"
Loki cut me off, pressing a cool hand to my lips.
"Nell, the only person you're disturbing right now is me. Calm yourself," he said, his low voice momentarily quelling my anxiety. He took a breath, then continued,"Why haven't you been sleeping?"
"I don't want to have this conversation right now," I whispered, then exhaled. "I can't. Not without…"
What, Nell? Without what? Sounding crazy? Without mentioning the nightmares? The looks you give yourself in the mirror every morning since this started? Why you can't tell Marie anything anymore? Why the only peaceful sleep you've had recently was when you slept with him? Why-
A cool hand across my forehead stopped my thoughts.
"If you can't calm yourself, I'll have to help you," he breathed against my ear. "This is precisely why we should talk about it now. I can help you. Like...you've helped me."
"You didn't even notice before this morning!" I hissed.
"I noticed. I chose not to say anything. I chose wrong, obviously."
"When, hmm? When did you notice?"
"After we left Toronto."
"...The castle job…"
"You'd had enough coffee to kill a small horse, and still you yawned. Your hands shook. But since then…
"You sleep in your clothes. When you eat, it's never enough. You've lost some of yourself," he ran a finger along my jawline. "There is something wrong, Nell."
My nails dug into my palms, the tendons in my hands cramping from the tension. I pulled my face away. "I'm going to the bathroom."
Loki let his hands drop with a sigh.
"We are not talking about this on a goddamned airplane," I growled, tying Steve tighter around my waist and heading up the aisle.
The bathroom was cold, cramped, and smelled of sweat mixed with hand soap. Mirrored walls made the space seem bigger; my copper-haired reflection glared back at me in an infinite retreat.
Wait, what?
I pulled my braid apart. Brown. So why's it like that? Mirror-Nell shook her head. I blinked, and my reflection was a brunette once more. Sleep deprivation is going to be the death of you, Nell Keavy. I splashed water on my face, feeling more bones than flesh. Loki's right; one cannot live on coffee alone. Don't you agree, Steve?
Again, there was no reply.
Steve? Answer me, please.
But there was nothing, no movement, no woolen embrace, no swirling embroidery.
Fine. Be that way.
I slipped out of the bathroom and back to my seat. Loki's eyes were closed.
"Faker," I muttered, and the corners of his mouth twitched up.
"Real sleep is for mortals," he sighed.
I closed my eyes and the dreams came again.
...
They'd known...they'd all known and they'd hidden the truth from me...I am betrayed and cast out and they'd
let
me
fall…
...
I woke with a gasp as the plane touched down, inertia pitching me forward.
"You're awake. Good. I was worried I'd have to carry you," Loki said.
"You should just leave me and run for it," I replied. "Just-" Like they did, my mind finished.
"I won't leave you. Not like that," he narrowed his eyes, as if he'd read my thoughts.
I stood, my back creaking as I reached into the overhead bin for my duffel bag. Loki ducked his head and followed me off the plane.
The jet-way stank of unwashed traveller and stale air. Hopefully SHIELD doesn't know we're here...hopefully Marie hasn't guessed this is where we're going…
"Gimme a minute," I said over my shoulder as I raced to the nearest ladies' room.
Women stood at most of the sinks, washing hands, freshening makeup, repinning hair; one brushed her teeth.
I hugged myself and Steve and focused on my reflection, trying to sort out my mind. I bent to rinse my face; when I raised my eyes to the mirror again, my reflection had red hair.
Marie, it mouthed.
Marie betrayed you. She orchestrated this whole endeavor. She encouraged it! Marie planned to sell you to SHIELD from the beginning. From the second you told her about Loki. She deserves…
I rubbed my eyes, then looked back at the mirror. She needs to know how much she hurt you.
Bloodshot eyes stared back at me, and we nodded together.
...
"How long will it take to get through customs?" I asked as I rejoined Loki in the terminal.
"Not long, if you're me," he tucked my hand into the crook of his arm and pulled us into the flow of foot traffic.
...
"Why are all your hideouts surrounded by cobblestones?" I complained later, as the cab bounced down a narrow street.
"All the streets used to be cobbles. Or bricks. Here, please," he told the driver, tossing some bills at him as I exited.
Prague. My breath wisped away in a cloud. Finally.
Keys jingled as Loki went to a door, deeply recessed from the street.
"We haven't got all night, Nell," he said, pushing the door open on creaky hinges. I followed him into darkness, and he closed the door behind us, then snapped his fingers for some witchlight.
"What's a Tim Horton's cup doing here?"
"I think you left it while we were in Toronto."
I ran a wary hand over a crate. "But we're in Prague."
"Doors are easy, especially here."
My bag brushed against raw wood as I squeezed past stacked frames and the occasional chair, Loki's witchlight casting a ghostly glow. A door eased out of the gloom, and with it, a clear path.
"What's behind door number two?" I whispered to myself, my hand on the burnished brass knob.
Loki padded up next to me.
"This is what I wanted to show you," he said. "From the start. This is what your faith in me means."
I twisted the knob and pushed into the room beyond, expecting the same pitch black as the storeroom. My bag dropped to the floor, my breath rasped in my ears.
"But, this place...it was lost. Or stolen. Or bombed into a million pieces. It can't be…" I was bathed in golden, radiant light. This can't be real. I reached for the wall with trembling fingers, then I glanced back at Loki.
"It won't break if you touch it. I've put a stasis on it."
My inner art history nerd cringed, but I pressed my palm to the wall anyway. The stone was cool but not cold; I felt thin lines of old fractures, spidery and without origin. Gleaming sconces sprouted to either side of me, lit with smokeless, dripless candles.
"How? How did you get this here?" I asked incredulously.
"In lots of tiny pieces," he replied with a half remembered grin. "The Russians had already left, and I wanted to get it all out before the Nazis stormed the Summer Palace. Thus, tiny pieces."
"You. Broke. The Amber Room?!"
"I put it back together! It was like...like a very difficult puzzle. Took me a decent amount of time to finish. And I barely had time construct a false one out of dirt. Göring almost caught me."
I barked out a harsh laugh, "You made the Amber Room out of dirt?! Why?"
"I thought it would be funny. Pack it on to a train, go back to Berlin, and open the car only to find it's full of dirt? I wished I'd seen their faces!" He mimed wiping away a tear. "I don't even know if I should give this one back any time soon. Conservation isn't good enough yet. If someone sneezed on it wrong, I feel it would fall to pieces."
I jerked my hand from the wall.
"That's only if I lifted the stasis, of course."
"Of course," I replied, turning to look at him. His face was half in shadow and half in golden light, like he'd stepped out of an Italian Baroque masterpiece. You are so lovely.
Hey, focus.
My red-headed reflection caught my eye from across the room; an age spotted mirror hung above a dark fireplace. She cocked her head, as if to say, If you can't do this, then I will. I blinked, and my hair was brown again.
"This isn't the most comfortable space for talking," Loki said, and I just nodded in reply. "Come on then."
His fingers brushed my arm, then he pulled me through another doorway. We wandered past brightly painted figures, through rooms of stone; it was like walking through time. Loki slipped an arm around my waist, his other hand occupied with the witchlight. I caught a glimpse of wild-eyed and bloody Saturn, a headless, human corpse dangling from his hand. I shuddered.
"Oh, Goya...he went mad in the end, you know." Loki said, his voice barely above a whisper. We kept walking.
"Lead paint," I replied, matching his tone.
"Something worse, I'm afraid."
Maybe Goya's madness is catching, Nell.
"H-how big is this place?" I tried to take my mind from Goya and his darkness.
"Big enough."
The next door we came to swung open gently; light spilled out from the room beyond the doorway. I made a beeline for an over-sized armchair, upholstered in a soft looking fabric of forest green, and collapsed into it. My head fell on to the tufted back of the chair, my eyelids drooped. It has been a long fucking day, Nell Keavy.
But you can't rest yet.
Watch me.
"You'll be sore if you sleep like that."
My right eye sprang open, and a voice that wasn't mine spat from my lips, "Sleep is for mortals."
My eye closed.
Loki's breath hissed. I heard a muffled curse.
I felt myself drifting, one half of my mind sinking into unconsciousness, the other half rushing to the waking world.
Marie betrayed you, the waking mind crooned. Just like fath-Odin. Just like Thor. She pitied you and betrayed you and she must be made to suffer for it.
No, the sleepy mind replied. No, you love her. She's your friend. Don't. Don't. Just. Talk to her. She wanted to protect you. Probably. Talk with her and see.
...No.
I inhaled sharply, my sleepy mind trying to fight its way to wakefulness. My eyes blinked once, twice, stayed open. Loki moved toward me, his elegant, lovely face lined with concern and anger. His mouth moved and his voice sounded very far away.
"Nell. Look at me, Nell...Damn it all to Hel…Nell, tell me what's wrong."
"Loki," I said, my voice like wet gravel in my ears. "If I sleep, I'll go mad…" My head lolled on to my chest. "Or is it when I'm awake? I-I-Steve won't talk to me anymore..." I grabbed the chair's armrests to haul my body upright. "I'm in the mirror, but it's-not-me-and-I'm-so-angry-at-Od-no-no-no-Marie-and-I-know-my-hair-is-red-no-it's-brown-you-made-it-brown-and-mirror-me-is-red…" My breathing hitched and tears spilled down my face. "I-I've lost my mind...and s-s-someone else found it."
Loki's cool hands cradled my face. "Oh, Nell, why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"I c-couldn't," I sniffled. "You'd think I was...w-w-w-worse. Than I was at home. And my mind kept thinking I was o-ok."
"The fact that it could be from magic never occurred to you, did it?" He raked a hand through his hair. "Magic is addictive," he mumbled, though I couldn't tell if he was talking to me.
My sleepy mind was losing its weak grip on consciousness as Loki's eyes roved over my face.
"Your eyes match the chair," I sighed, falling back into the chair.
"Stay with me, Nell," he said, but he was far away again.
I can't. I can't. Not strong enough to stay.
...
I am.