Chapter one part sixteen

There are many truths of which the full meaning cannot be realized until personal experience has brought it home. John Stuart Mill.

Spencer parked his car outside the dark cabin and tried to steel himself for what he was going to find. It had been three an half weeks since closing the Frank case and he knew that Gideon had thrown himself back into the job, right after Sarah's funeral and Spencer found himself torn. He knew that Gideon should take some time off to think about things and to step back and mourn her loss, however he was all to familiar with what could happen if your mind went down the wrong path when you were trying to recover and the self destructive things one could do. Maybe this was his way of coping.

The August air was hot and heavy, unlike the chill he and Catherine had experienced when they were here in March. Spencer reached into his pocket and pulled out the keys Gideon had given him to the cabin. He tried to return them after their stay, but Gideon insisted he keep them.

"Did you and Catherine enjoy it?" asked Gideon. It really hadn't been a vacation, they talked for hours, cried for hours, Catherine had gotten so mad at him at one point she shut herself in the bedroom and wouldn't talk to him and he sat outside the door and pleaded with her, even though she couldn't hear him. By the end of the week though, a peace had been made...the relationship was broken but the pieces were being picked up and glued back together. He knew they were going to cut themselves on the pieces, but it would be worth it.

"We worked out some things." Spencer went to hand him the keys and Gideon shook his head.

"Keep them. I only go up there four or five times a year at most. If I'm not there and you have something that needs 'worked out' it's yours." Spencer was taken back by this gesture it was more than just helping him he was opening up his home and life to him.

"Thank you." Really what do you say after that. Gideon looked up at him and sort of smiled.

"Sometimes it's just nice to not hear anything...not see a city light...just the quite and the birds."

"Yeah...it was." JJ came in and called a meeting. They left the office together, the keys to the cabin in his pocket.

Spencer came in and it was pitch black. The cabin smelled of a fire that had been put out and Gideon's car wasn't in the driveway. Maybe they had missed each other, he had driven back while Spencer had driven up here. He fumbled in the dark for a lamp and he turned it on and saw on the table was an envelope, a gun and what looked like a badge holder. What? Spencer walked over to the table and the envelope had been addressed to him. He sat down and numbly opened the letter.

Spencer,

I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me. You must be frightened. I apologize for that. I never meant to cause you any pain. Spencer had been worried, Gideon hadn't returned his calls, missed the plane, didn't show up for their chess night. It wasn't like him at all and Spencer feared another Elle, that he would sink so far under there would be no way to come back.

I also never envisioned writing this letter. I've searched for a satisfactory explanation for what I'm doing, all I've come up with is a profiler needs to have solid footing, and I don't think I do anymore. The world confuses me-the cruelty, indifference, tragedy. When my dear friend Sarah was murdered it tore a hole in me and I truly believed the only way to handle the pain was to get back to our work as quickly as possible. Get on to helping somebody else. I thought I could handle Sarah's murder, work through it...but the very first case we had after was on a college campus.

Spencer thought back to three weeks ago when they had been in Arizona. School had just started and a college campus already had three murders. The case had been hard and it ended with the Un-sub getting away with murder, only to be taken down by a mentally ill student who killed another girl to get the Un-sub freed. Gideon had been the one to let the Un-sub; Nathan Tubbs, a campus security guard out and to have him tailed. When it ended with his death and the death the student Section Chief Erin Strauss blamed Hotch and Gideon. Before Gideon could meet with Strauss, Hotch went to her and took all the blame for letting Tubbs out and allowing the girl to meet with him and kill herself. Hotch had been suspended for two weeks, an investigation into his conduct was held. He was lucky to get his credentials back. But it had seriously shaken everyone up.

You see I met Sarah on a college campus,just like that one thirty one years ago. Campuses are supposed to be of life and excitement. There supposed to be about the future...figuring out who you are and who you're going to be. It's supposed to be about dreams, not nightmares...about hope. I really don't understand the world anymore. It seems to more we try to help the worst the world gets.

Did it...did it get worse in his eyes? It was another life saved, a life that might go on to make the world better. Spencer knew how hard it was at times to remember that, it was why he turned to the drugs. However he got a reminder when he saw Gideon's pictures, when he walked onto the high school where Catherine taught and saw the student there he helped saved. Catherine told him that young Brittany who survived her gun shot wound wanted to be an FBI agent someday, the child had just finished second grade and already a life path had been set for her that he in some way had touched.

All homicide scenes are tragic, but when the victim is someone young, their life ripped away before they've even had a chance to live, it's devastating. While you've lived many years in your life, your not much older than those students and when I saw them, I couldn't help but think how young you really are and how we almost lost you in Georgia. It hurt to see how young you truly are and how your life was about to be ripped away. You still have a chance at life, I on the other hand have let mine slip by without much thought. I think about how I let Sarah slip by too without a thought and it pains me to think of what could have been. I am thankfully though you took a chance with Catherine, it shows a courage that I lack. I couldn't let her in to my life...she was a very bright light that I ran from.

Was it courage that he let Catherine into his life or was it because he couldn't stand being alone in the dark and was taking what he could get from the light before it left him? He loved her, he had no doubts in his mind that he loved her more than anything in this life, but was it fair to ask her to be in the darkness with him? Maybe that was why Gideon couldn't take the chance, he was to scared of seeing the light in Sarah die. Spencer had seen a part of the light in Catherine die when he told her everything he had done and how much he had hurt her. She still had that light, the hope, the belief that life and people were good, but he had dimmed it somewhat. He had brought home death, loss, the knowledge that people could and would do terrible things to each to each other with almost no reason for it. He saw it over and over again, but he had also seen people change for the better after. Rebecca had been one of them.

In this line of work, I was afraid I would lose the ability to trust. But, I've realized I can't really look at anyone without seeing their death. And as bad as losing faith in humanity seems, losing your faith in happy endings is much worse. I had hoped that Sarah would have a happy ending...she had a very happy life and I hoped that it would stay that way for her. Instead she will not see her sons get married or hold her grandchildren. How many victims have we seen? How many crime scenes? A hundred, a thousand, pictures of families...victims. Both alive and dead. I was always able to stay objective, to stay at arm's length. But, now all I see is Sarah and her eyes looking at me without seeing.

Spencer knew what that was like, there were still some nights where he could see Tobais's dead eyes looking at him, through him. He had trouble sleeping after the case in Westchester, the dead girls looked at him from the leaves and he felt their pain. Spencer had always doubted in happy endings though, he had seen his parent's marriage end and a father he hadn't seen since he was ten. Even he sabotaged his own chances. Yes he got it back, but he wondered if he could hold on to it. Gideon though always had the hope in happy endings. It was why he had the Murder Book and their pictures in his office and looked at them every day, a reminder of the good things. Did he forget?

I know that I have lost my faith, but please don't lose yours. I've told you before that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you are. Very few people could have gone through what you did and come out the other side. I know you came back with scars and doubts, we all have them. But you were still you underneath it all, the same remarkable person I met five years ago on a college campus, still trying to figure out who you were. My scars have left me weak and broken. Nathan Tubbs was easy. But, there was a time in my career when I would have asked the question and I should have asked-Was he too easy? The biggest trap for a profiler to fall into is pride. Forgetting that for all your skills, profiling is just a tool. I gave into my pride and didn't use my tools properly. I don't see that becoming you. You're smart, but kind and while I know you take pride in how intelligent you are, you don't give into it. You did once and you saw how awful the effects were, I don't see you doing that again.

His pride in his intellect lead him to taking drugs, he felt he was too smart to become an addict, instead he almost lost everything. Gideon saw something in him that Spencer was still trying to figure out even now five years later. Being smart was one thing being strong on this job was another. Before Georgia he was sometimes sad after the cases, but he closed it off quickly and moved on to the next. Now things touched him, he felt something inside him freeze at times looking over cases, but it also pushed him to worker harder to stop the madness.

It was like you could physically feel the mood change on the campus. Kids. They're so resilient. They trust and believe in a way I remember, but I can't reach anymore, like a very old picture. They believed in us, believed in me...Sarah believed in me. And has with Sarah, I feel like I led them right to slaughter. What was I even doing there? How many times have I told you that a profiler can not do the job if the mind is unfocused. If anything is going on in your personal life that would cloud your judgment. My mind as never been that unfocused as if was on that campus. All I saw was Sarah on that campus. I couldn't see the girls who had died, all I saw was Sarah and a look of disappointment. It was the disappointment in myself that I saw on her face. Did I let a loin loose against the babies? Was my judgment clouded by my need to make someone pay for Sarah's death. Yes Frank is dead, but there is no justice for her.

He had been unfocused in the past and it had caused him trouble, but his personal life now gave him another reason to want to do his job better. He wanted to do his job to keep people like Catherine safe. Gideon had wanted to do this job to keep people like Sarah safe, with her death by the hands of a killer he let walk Gideon must of felt like a failure and Spencer had a feeling, but Gideon knew how to hide it well and Spencer didn't know how to reach him. He could only imagine the hurt and loss Gideon felt after her death. When Catherine had left him, it was like a part of him died and he missed her. She was still alive though and he could make it up to her, Gideon could never make it right again for Sarah and that tore him up.

Two more dead. Was it a price that needed to be paid. Is death ever worth it? Was the world always this gray? Is it only in the movies that it's black and white? Is that just an illusion? I used to know. I used to understand my place, my direction, where I was headed. Now I feel lost. Profiling requires belief in the profile, belief in yourself. After Sarah I no longer trust myself, but after Tubbs I no longer trust myself in the field and without that I have nothing. I still had faith in my team, my family, but Hotch taking the blame for me, I didn't lose faith in my team. I lost my faith in protecting my family. I couldn't protect Sarah and I have failed repeatedly in protecting my team and family. I let six men die in Boston, Elle Greenway was shot and killed a person, I watched you die all, and Hotch lose his place on the team because of my ego and by not using my tools the way they were meant to be used. I think of the families those men left behind, I wonder how Elle sleeps at night -if she sleeps. I think about how Catherine and this team would have handled your loss. But the last domino was Hotch being suspended over something that was my fault. I said at the beginning of this letter that I knew it would be you to come up here. I'm sorry the explanation couldn't be better, and I am so sorry that it doesn't make more sense. But, I've already told you. I just don't understand any of it anymore. I'm leaving the BAU for good this time...but to do that, I must cut my ties to that life now and that includes leaving my family behind. I know that you're going to be angry with me and deserve that for leaving like a coward in the night. But if you really and truly need me, please don't hesitate to call me. I guess I'm just looking for it again...that belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings.

I ask that you not lose your faith in happy endings though, I ask that you hold on to the love and the light in your life and to not let it go or turn away from it. I've told you before that you and Catherine are stronger than what you give yourselves credit for and while I have lost most of the faith in happy endings, you two give me a reason to want to find it again.

Jason

Spencer sat there in shock for the longest time. Gideon was gone and gone for good this time. He had left him with nothing but a letter just like his father had done over fifteen years ago. He was angry. Angry that he hadn't seen the signs, angry at Gideon for just quitting when he had pushed him so hard to never quit. Angry that in the end everyone just leaves.

…...

Catherine was repacking her bag, hoping to fit the last few items in the bag. Norie came in and was holding an envelope.

"I picked up your final results. Dr. Shiba was sad that you're leaving early, but she understands that your family must come first. Your test results, onesan." Onesan, sister...I always wanted one. Catherine took the envelope and pulled out her results, her final GPA was a 3.8. Her JSL scores ended up being a 94, her spoken a 95 and her cultural project was 98.

"You know if anything, I think he's going to be mad that I didn't get perfect grades." Norie laughed.

"I think in a past life your boyfriend was a Japanese parent. It would explain his need for you to have perfect grades...you really love him don't you?"

"Yeah...yeah I do." It had taken two weeks to convince the program directors to let her go home early. They argued that she was going to miss out by not staying the last few weeks, they couldn't promise her full credit now and that it was a shame she was going to miss out. But they understood, if she had a family issue at home that needed to be taken care of and she was determined to go than there was nothing they could do to stand in her way. They thanked her for her time, let her take a final exam from the course load she had finished and she turned in her final paper. It was a pain in the ass to exchange her ticket for an earlier flight home, but after three weeks of pleading, test taking, and saying good bye to her new friends and family she was heading home. She was making the right choice, the last few e-mails had been short and distant and the last time they web cam-ed he wasn't himself. She was needed at home now. She had a feeling that he might be upset with her leaving with only three weeks left, but she couldn't stay here if her heart was no longer in it and it wasn't. It was back in DC with Spencer. She hadn't told him or anyone back in DC that she was coming home, she wanted it be a surprise.

"You know if he messes this up...my brother is always free and he's a real doctor." Catherine laughed and shoved that last few items in her bag and zipped it up.

"I don't know if I can live forever in a country where a large cup of coffee is a small at best," teased Catherine and Norie laughed. Catherine and Monica had been shocked the first time they ordered coffee and it came in really small cups unlike the bucket sized cups they were used too in the States. Norie stood up and hugged Catherine, a sign of how close they really had become.

"Please take care of yourself onesan." Catherine hugged her back.

"Thank you."

…...

Spencer sat at his desk the next morning studying the letter Gideon had wrote him and was trying to make sense of it really. Why did he only write it to him? Why didn't he say good bye to everyone. Sure Garcia and JJ would have cried, Hotch and Morgan would have hidden behind their alpha male personalities and Emily would hide behind her facade, but they were a family and he didn't say good bye. Garcia was cleaning out his office right now and she came out with a box of stuff.

"He left everything but the photographs," she said sadly.

"He always said those were like his family," said Spencer reading the letter again. He came back for those, but he couldn't say good bye in person?

"Gee what are we going to do with all this," she muttered walking to her office with the box.

"Maybe we can send it to him?" suggested Emily.

"He didn't leave a forwarding address," said Spencer.

"Are you sure?" asked Morgan.

"If he did it's not here," said Spencer and he shoved the letter into his bag and headed up to the meeting room for the briefing. They were heading to Oregon for their next case and Spencer welcomed it, he didn't want to think about Gideon and his leaving even after coming off such a horrible case in Milwaukee he needed to keep busy now and ignore that itch in his arm and the pain in his heart. He hated to admit, even to himself that Gideon was more of a father to him than his own and once again his father left him to pick up the pieces. Hotch came into the room and addressed them all.

"I know that we've all been wondering what this is about and I've known Jason for many years and I can tell you...I have no idea." Well join the no idea club sir, thought Spencer. No one had seen this coming and after being together for years the fact that he would just walk away spoke volumes about how bad he really was. "But, that doesn't matter right now, what matters is that we're here and we're going to get through this," said Hotch. He laid out the case details, a mass grave with bodies from six months ago had been uncovered with four bodies, each with different causes of death and different sexes and ages. Just get through this case...and the next one..and the next one...Catherine hadn't e-mailed him in two days, but than again he hadn't e-mailed her either so he had no clue what was going on. Everyone leaves...and it's always me they leave.

…...

Her Tokyo flight had been late leaving, so she missed her connecting flight to DC and was now stuck here for another day. It felt good to be back in the States though. To see TV in English, signs in English, to order a large cup of coffee and have it be the large size she was expecting it to be. She sat down at the coffee shop and took a long sip of the coffee. Oh sweet American coffee I missed you. Spencer wouldn't survive in Japan...he would have to order several pots of coffee just to get his normal dose of caffeine. She bought a newspaper and it took her a second to remember it was in English and to read it from left to right not the right to left way she had been for the past few weeks. She took a bite of her chocolate dount...chocolate another great American treat and started to read the paper. Stocks were down, Brittany Spears was going crazy, four unsolved murders had happened and the FBI was being called in. She almost choked on her dount...FBI...the BAU...Spencer was either here or on his way here and she couldn't believe her luck...no...no not now, he's working and he needs to keep his focus. Besides it could be another team. Catherine finished her coffee and decided to head back to her hotel room that the airline had given her to make up for missed flight. She walked out of the shop and turned to her right just as Spencer and Emily came from the opposite direction looking for the laundry mat that the last victim used.

…...

Something about the way the woman in front of him was walking sparked something in the back of Spencer's mind, but he needed to work on this case. People being killed by their fears...I hate the dark...being alone...at least I wouldn't be burned or drowned the way the other victims are.

"So Hotch is even more intense now that Gideon is gone," said Emily trying to joke. Hotch was even harder on them now that they had another victim. He and Emily were heading to one of the places the victim had used to see how the Un-Sub found his victims.

"Yeah, I've noticed," said Spencer.

"You think that's going to change?"

"I'm sure we'll find out."

"What about you? Are you ok?" asked Emily turning to look at with concern. Oh really...you too..Morgan, JJ and Garcia are one things, but you too. I thought you were past babying me. I need one person on this team other than Hotch not babying me.

"I'm great." My mentor leaves me a Dear John letter, my girlfriend is over 3000 miles away and I'm close to six months being clean and I have no clue how I got here without going out of my mind.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" asked Spencer.

"Gideon," prompted Emily.

"Oh...no...he left a letter explaining everything. Just like my dad did when he abandoned me and my mom," he sounded bitter and he was bitter about it. How hard was it to say goodbye face to face with him? No one ever did. Catherine did when she left for Japan, but when she left to marry Paul there had been a letter. Give Spencer my best was all she had to say and she couldn't say it to his face. Here he was again, another good bye and another letter. Was it him...was there something about him that people just needed to get away from and not look back?

"He addressed it to you," said Emily just stating a fact. She knew there had been a letter, but what it said was something Spencer was keeping to himself.

"Yeah...yeah, you know Gideon stood toe to toe with some of the...the sickest people on this planet. I mean it took a lot of courage right?" asked Spencer.

"Yeah." Spencer reached into his bag and pulled out the four sheets the letter had come on and frowned.

"So why did he do this? It's addressed to me, but I'm not...I'm not the only one he abandoned." Gideon had left them all and for no reason. He could still stay in touch with them, but he ran away. He looked into the eyes of people like Frank and so many other killers, he looked into the eyes of victims and their families to comfort them and yet he couldn't look them in the eyes and say goodbye.

"Why is it addressed to you? I think you need to read that letter again," said Emily softly like she was talking to a child.

"I have an eidetic memory, Emily." I can recite this damn thing in my sleep.

"Yeah, I know and an IQ of 187. But, what do you remember about your father?"

"What do you mean?"

"He gave you ten years before he left and yet you've erased all those memories. And it's too painful, I get that," she said seeing the look on Spencer's face and it reminded her Texas when he snapped at her. "But then Gideon leaves. I think you need to read that letter again and ask yourself why, of all the people, he walked away from...did he only explain himself to one person...you."

She went into the coffee house leaving Spencer there to think about what she had said. He remembered his father's favorite author, that he always wore suits to work and that near the end he was never there. He had forgotten his father, but it was because he had forgotten him. Gideon was trying to make sure that Spencer didn't forget him, because Gideon wasn't going to forget him. I don't think I could even if I tried. Gideon had helped him overcome several of his fears and helped him become the person he was today. It had been the same way with Catherine, he had tried to forget about her after she had gotten married and left him. He had tried to forget her again when she left him over the drugs and he couldn't. It was odd that he could forget his father, but not Gideon or Catherine. It's because they will someday be back in your life. They left deeper impressions on me than he did, because they came back.

…...

They were able to save the last victim from Dr. Howard who had tried to bury the young woman alive. The doctor though had taken the weak way out by jumping off the building. He curled up, closed his eyes and tried to sleep. Catherine hadn't e-mailed him yet and it was almost four days. He was tempted to call her host family in Japan to see if something had happened. He knew that his last few e-mails had been vague and distant she was probably upset with him, but she always stayed in touch with him. He reached into his bag and pulled out his MP3 player to listen to some music. Ethan had sent him some music he recorded with some artist at another club last month

And so it is/Just like you said it would be/Life goes easy on me/Most of the time/And so it is/The shorter story/No love, no glory/No hero in her sky. I can't take my eyes off of you/I can't my eyes off of you.

I miss you...god three more weeks...

…...

Spencer was going to get a ride home with Garcia and was outside waiting for her. When he got home he was going to call the Iwata's and find out if something had happened to Catherine. If not he needed to figure out why she hadn't contacted him in four days. Granted he hadn't been on top of his e-mailing, but this wasn't like her.

"I'm not sure we're going to be ok," he heard a voice call out teasing. No...she's not supposed to be home for another three weeks. He turned and there Catherine stood, the red was still in her hair, but it was much lighter and it was much prettier now. She was wearing her hair in two braided pigtails, a pair of black capri's and a white tee shirt with a black cat on it. Her suitcase next to her

"This has nothing to do with you," signed Catherine and Spencer just stood there looking at her.

"I miss cheeseburgers and chocolate...I want real chocolate, not the Pocky chocolate I've been munching on for the past couple of weeks." He just couldn't stop looking at her, his mouth was hanging open he just couldn't find words.

"And coffee oh my god I missed coffee. They have just little cups of coffee. I want to order a large and have it be a large coffee. Like a bucket of coffee. Oh and I am sooo sick of noddles...I don't wanna eat another noddle as long as I live." Oh my god you're here...you're home.

"Oh rice and fish. I'm so sick of both of those things. I want a fatty greasy burger and some fries and oh my god why am I still talking and why are you not kissing me? I flew over twenty hours, had a day layover and I've been waiting here for over two hours since I didn't have the keys to get into the apartment and they told me you were gone." Spencer closed the distance between them quickly and looked down at her.

"You're home," he signed and she nodded. "You left...why?"

"Because I needed to be here." He couldn't figure out what to say. She was right, he had wanted...needed her to come home for weeks now and he couldn't ask her. That it would selfish to ask that of her.

"Are you mad that I came home early?" asked Catherine looking worried.

"No...I..." Spencer bent down and kissed her. He felt her wrap her arms around his neck and pull him in for more. She broke it and looked up him.

"I missed you," she said.

"I missed you too," he muttered and he kissed her again. She tasted like coffee and chocolate and he just wanted her so much.

"Yeah...kiss her...kiss her good," called Garcia. Spencer broke the kiss and looked over to see not only Garcia standing there, but also Morgan, JJ, Emily and Hotch. Catherine turned bright red and looked at the ground.

"Damn pretty boy, I didn't think you were going to come up for air," teased Morgan.

"He's being an ass isn't he?" asked Catherine.

"He's jealous," said/signed Spencer. Garcia came up to them and hugged Catherine tightly.

"Oh welcome home," she signed.

"Thank you," signed Catherine. Emily and JJ came up and welcomed her home. Hotch said good night to them and welcomed Catherine home. Morgan just shook his head.

"Remember to come up for air," teased Morgan before leaving.

"Shut up," said Spencer. Catherine giggled and looked up him.

" It's nice to see somethings never change," teased Catherine.

"You still need a ride home?" asked Garcia.

"I think that we're just going to get a cab...and..." Garcia just smirked. "Night."

"Night," signed Catherine.

"Night," said Spencer. Garcia left them and Spencer took her hand and picked up one of her bags.

"Let's go home," signed Spencer.

…...

Catherine sat her bags down she was so happy to be home. Spencer couldn't stop smiling, it reached his eyes. It felt like some weight had been lifted off his chest, she was ok and home with him.

She started upbraiding her pigtails and sat down in a chair.

"I wanted to surprise you," signed Catherine.

"Yeah you did," admitted Spencer sitting across from her.

"I just...I need to be here. I just...something felt off you know. It felt like you needed me here," signed Catherine. "Even though you wouldn't say it."

"I didn't know how to say it. Let's just say it's been a long couple of weeks and I just really, really wanna be with you right now." She came back to me...she came home to me...she's home.

"Ok," she signed. "I'm starving." she got up and he watched her walk to the kitchen and it clicked in his head. Her...the layover...Spencer followed her to the kitchen and she was sitting on the counter eating a bag of chips.

"You...were you in Portland?" She nodded.

"I had a day layover since I missed the first flight back."

"I saw you...well I saw you walking away from a coffee shop...your back." She giggled.

"I wanted coffee so badly...Japan has such tiny cups of coffee. You wouldn't survive a day in that country." Spencer laughed and took a chip from her.

"I survived 70 days, 15 hours, 26 minutes and 30 seconds without you."

"God you are a nerd."

"Yes...yes I am." Catherine grabbed the chips and headed back to the living room. He sat down next her, he was so happy to have her home.

"I really missed you," signed Spencer.

"You look better," signed Catherine.

"I feel better. A lot better." Catherine smiled and he found himself at lost for words. For the first time in weeks he felt calm. He was still reeling from Gideon leaving, but at least he her back. Don't run from the light. He leaned over and kissed her hard, parting her mouth with his tongue and tasting her. All he wanted more than anything was to be in the light.

…...

Catherine put her head on his shoulder and held his hand. Spencer rolled over and looked at her.

"Don't leave again." She closed her eyes and held his hands.

"I won't," said Catherine softly. He smiled and let her go to sleep and for the first time in weeks, he slept soundly.