Disclaimer: iCarly is not, but once was, but only in imagination-land, owned by me.

"Here, go have a shower." Annie throws a bundled up pile at me which I catch reflexively.

"Huh? Why?" I say, confused, examining the clothes and towel I've caught.

Annie raises an eyebrow at me. "You stink."

I look down at myself. She may have a point. "So?"

"So you're having a shower one way or another. You can have a nice hot shower to yourself, or I can strip you naked and keep it cold. Your choice." Annie smiles tightly at me, and I put up my hands in surrender.

"Okay okay. I'll go." I shake my head as I walk into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I don't know what's up with Annie... she doesn't usually snap at me like that. But then... I guess she doesn't think of me the same. She probably thinks I'm pathetic, and fair enough, because I am. I mean, I'm running away from my problems because I'm too scared to face them. It's stupid, but I can't force myself to be brave. I never have been able to. The funny thing is... I kind of thought I was being brave... you know, sacrificing my happiness for Carly's, but I'm not so sure anymore. What if Annie's right? What if Carly does... love me? No matter what I do... it's gonna hurt her. It's just easier to deal with that if I can't see her. I can pretend she's happy then.

I sigh, stepping into the shower, flinching at the first spray of cold water. I wish I could go back. Back before all of this happened. Back to when we were doing rehearsal for iCarly, and I felt that surge of bitter anger and put my hand through that prop window. I wish that I just could've told her, then maybe things would've been different... maybe they could've been better. Of course they would've been better. It's like when that glass ripped through my skin it let something out, and it all started swirling around like it was going down a drain, and now I've slipped into the pipes, and I'm looking up at the light, remembering how it used to feel. It's odd how I think of the times before that as the 'happy' days. Really I was miserable... I wanted Carly so bad, it was all I could think about, it was all I could do to keep myself back from her, to keep myself... as her friend. It made me so angry, gave me such a short fuse, and maybe I would've... no, I know I would've refrained from breaking that window.

I splash the hot water over my face, spitting out a mouthful. I can't think like that. If I get all caught up in 'what ifs' and 'could've beens' then it'll kill me. Hell, while I'm at it, why not go back to the day I met Carly, why not just never meet her? That'd simplify everything. Or even back to when I was born; it's not that hard to kill a baby.

I can't live in the past, I can't dwell on this shit. But it's not like I have anything else.

I let the hot water relax me, feel the tension in my body start to ease. I forgot how nice showering can be, how much it refreshes you. I massage the shampoo into my scalp, teasing out the long, blonde locks, and I start to feel a little more energetic, start to feel just a little less sick. I've taken the easy road. I realise that now. I thought I was doing the brave thing, the noble thing... I thought I was doing what was best for Carly. But I've just been running away, trying to pretend none of this ever happened. I thought I'd stopped running away, thought I was finally doing something selfless. Ha! Right, because getting wasted every night is so brave, because ignoring Carly, refusing to speak to her is so mature.

Fuck. Now that my mind is starting to clear, now that I'm starting to sober up, unable to force myself to stomach the beer since Annie and I had our little talk, I'm starting to wonder... what if I was wrong? I wash the remaining shampoo from my hair, letting the water stream over my face. How do you even start to fix something like that? What if she does... did love me? What if I've ruined anything... everything that could've been. What if we could've been happy? My stomach flutters, and I feel queasy, like it's trying to rise into my throat. This is why I can't deal in 'what ifs'. They're too painful. What's done is done.

I turn off the water, reaching for the towel and patting my face dry. I feel better physically... I'd forgotten how good it feels to be clean, but mentally... I'm tearing myself apart. Every decision I make leaves me wishing I'd made the other one. I come to a fork in the road and wish for a spoon.

I slip on the clothes Annie's lent me; an faded, black motorcyle tee and a pair of tartan skater shorts that are a size too big. Annie and I have similar tastes at least. They smell like soap, and I breathe the smell in. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm going crazy... I must be, because sane people don't smell their cousin's clothes. And if they do... it shouldn't make them sad. I can't control my emotions anymore, but I force myself to pull it together. I take a deep breath and open the door, the cooler air outside the bathroom chilling my skin. I comb my fingers through my hair, heading for the kitchen. Maybe Annie can help me... I... I don't know. Maybe she can...

I freeze, and my heart stops beating for a moment. Carly. She's... she's sitting at the kitchen table, chatting to Annie. Oh. Oh God. My heart explodes in my chest all of a sudden, as if it's just remembered it has to beat, and a wave of happiness, of relief floods through me. She's... it's her. It's her and she's so... so beautiful, so achingly beautiful. The wave of joy quickly fades, and it's replaced by one of fear, of nausea, and my heart is thudding sickeningly, churning my stomach up. Carly spots me, still frozen in the doorway, and she stands quickly, the chair screeching in protest as it's pushed back. Before I know it she's hugging me, burying her face in my hair, her arms pulling me tight against her. I'm finding it impossibly hard to breath. She's... she's here.

"Sam!" Carly pulls back, holding my shoulders and running her eyes over my face, like she can't believe it's really me. I can't either. "I was so worried! I thought... you really scared me, you know?" She draws me into another hug, and I circle my arms around her, holding her too tightly because it feels so good. I plead Annie with my eyes, silently begging her to not tell Carly what I've been doing. She nods at me, and I can finally close my eyes, and sink into the embrace. It's been so long since I could hold her... I've missed it so much. This is why I had to leave... she melts me so easily, dissolves my resolve. I could never leave her... not while I'm with her. It took Spencer kicking me out to give me the courage... or the stupidity.

Carly pulls back again, smiling almost painfully wide, and I can see the beginnings of tears shimmering in her eyes.

"I'll leave you kids alone." Annie says smugly, pushing herself off the counter and heading for the opposite doorway.

Carly watches her leave, turning back to me as soon as Annie's gone. I feel her hand stroke my cheek, and then she's kissing me, backing me against the wall with her force, and they're hungry, desperate kisses that leave me breathless, leave me shivering. "I was so scared." She murmurs in between kisses, our lips making wet noises in their need.

"I'm... I'm sorry Carls." I say when she finally stops to breathe, her eyes still running over me. "Can... can we talk?"

She nods. "I think we have to."

The first thrill of seeing her is wearing off, the almost drugging effect of kissing her fading, but I'm still amazed at the way she can make me feel, the way she can make me forget everything else without even trying. But the guilt is starting to set in... how do you explain what I've done... why I've done it? What made sense to me then, what seemed like the only possible thing to do when I was kicked out, when I was hurting so much, and all I wanted to do was just forget, just escape... it just sounds weak and stupid to me now.

Carly can sense the tension between us, biting her lip as she scans my face, and she takes my hand almost hesitantly, leading me over to the table. I sit heavily, Carly's hand starting to let mine go as she sits opposite me. She frowns, grabbing my wrist suddenly and turning my arm over.

"S-Sam?" She's staring at the tattoo, the curling black letters of her name seeming to almost jump off my wrist, and I duck my head. Another thing to explain. "Sam..." Her voice is soft and wondering, like she's not sure whether to scold me for being stupid or be incredibly touched.

"I just... I just wanted you with me, you know? I didn't want to forget." I say quietly, my eyes downcast.

"Why would you forget?" Carly asks, trying to see my face. "Sam... what's going on?" She asks, her voice slightly panicked when I don't answer, don't let her see me. "Why wouldn't you answer your phone? D-did it break?" Carly knows I have a history of destroying nice things, and I wish that it had broke, so I wouldn't have to hurt her with the truth.

"I switched it off." I pull it out from my pocket, setting it in the centre of the table, and Carly's looking from it to me, confused.

"Sam..."

"How's Spence?" I interject, trying to change the subject. I know... I know I'll have to explain everything, but I can't help but hope that if I distract her enough she'll forget.

"He's... he's fine. I... I didn't want him to come. He's sorry Sam, he really is."

I nod. "It's okay. He did the right thing."

Carly frowns, leaning forward. "Sam, what's going on? Why... why are you here? Why'd you turn your phone off?"

I can hear the fear in her voice. So much for avoiding the subject. I take a deep breath. "Freddie told me everything." Carly looks confused, and I continue, "He told me about school... about college. You're not going are you?"

"Sam... I don't know what you're talking about. Why does it matter if I'm going to college... I just... I haven't decided yet. What does that have to with this?"

I cross my arms, trying to get as far away from her physically as I can. "It has everything to do with this. You're not going, are you?"

Carly's eyes dart around, confusion on her face. "I... I don't know."

"What do you see in the future Carly? Where are you five years from now?"

"Sam... I don't-"

I put up my hand. "Please, just answer."

"I... I don't know. I haven't thought about it. I... I guess I..." She leans back, looking bewildered. "I really don't know."

I sigh, uncrossing my arms and resting my palms flat on the table. "Carly... you gave up your dreams for me. I know that... I- I love that, actually, but you shouldn't have to. I'm not... I'm not worth it. I don't want to ruin your life. I don't want to stop you going to college, I don't want to stop you having a future. You deserve a good life."

Carly studies her hands, her eyebrows furrowed deep in thought. She looks up finally, disbelieving. "So that's why you came here? So what, you were just never gonna talk to me?" She shakes her head incredulously. "You were just never gonna see me again?"

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "Carly, I-"

She cuts me off. "No, you're gonna listen Sam. I can't believe you. How can you just decide what's best for me? You're not my mom, you're not Spencer, you don't get to do that. You're supposed to care about me, about what I have to say." I try to interrupt, to defend myself, but Carly puts her hand up, stopping me. "No! You don't get to say anything. How could you do that? It's not fair. You have no right. You know what dreams I have now Sam? Do you? They're of being with you. No, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know if I'm going to college, and you know what? I'm fine with that, as long as I get to be with you. You know what having dreams did? It made me almost lose you, made me think I had to be that person. I don't wanna plan everything out anymore... things change Sam, you made me realise that, and I don't know what I, me, want anymore. All I know is that I want to be with you."

"Carly..." I say softly, taken aback. I never... never thought she'd say something like that. It makes my heart hurt so much, and it's such a good pain.

"How could you do that Sam? How could you throw me away so easily?" Carly's eyes are rimmed with tears, and that good pain, that exquisite ache falls into the pit of my stomach at her hurt expression.

"I didn't... I never threw you away Carls." I stroke the tattoo on my wrist. "I just... I love you so much, I just... I just wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to settle for me."

Carly takes my hand, her fingers moving to stroke along the tattoo as well, tracing the letters. "Settle for you? You're more than I ever hoped for. You know how rare it is, how lucky I am to have fallen in love with my best friend? That never happens."

It feels like there's a boulder in my throat, and it's making it very hard to swallow. "L-love?"

Even through all my mistakes, all my fuckups, all my self-pitying bullshit, she still wants me. I don't know how, I don't know why, I don't know how I've fooled her into caring about me, I never have... but I'm not so stupid as to let it go again. All that noble crap, all that loving her and letting her go... that's done. She's stuck with me, and I'll never let her go again. I'm her shadow, and I'll always follow her, whether she wants it or not. I can't ever be without her.

Carly leans over the table, kissing me softly, her lips smiling against mine as she pulls back, the tip of her nose brushing mine.

"I love you Sam."

A/N: See? Happy, right? I told you I could do it. Oh... I didn't? Then who did I... oh. He knows too much now.

Anyway, in case you haven't been paying attention, which probably means you're not paying attention now, please review. I'm thinking one more chapter to tie things up, you know, go all Animal House on this shit (where you found out what happened to everyone in the credits). It's probably not necessary, and it's probably not advisable, but I've never been one to know when to stop. Let's see... iDream Of You was meant to be two chapters, but it ended up being twenty-three... and this one was only meant to be six.

Talky thing, ain't I?

So please let me know what you think, because this fic will soon be over, and then we'll see each other on the street in like six months, and it'll be really awkward and I'll wave and you'll go in for a hug, but we'll just end up in an uncomfortable handshake. And by God it will be AWKWARD 0-0

And then I'll go home and get drunk on turpentine and remember what it was like to have friends.

Or I'll write another fic. Whatever.