A/N: I don't own Hetalia or any of its characters, or any fairytale I use. To animeFTW231, who wanted some RoChu (I hear it's popular in the Japanese fandom?) Also, vote in my poll!
Guide
Ch = China
R = Russia
E = England
Wiser Than the Czar
So… It can be spelled tsar or czar, so I've heard… But I'm using czar, so there! In any case, next up is a lovely little fairytale set in Russia.
R: Hmm… This will be good, perhaps.
E: Bloody better be, after the long wait last time!
Ch: You are not over that yet, aru?
E: …
Well then! Um… Our story begins in Russia, if you haven't guessed yet. Every day, the czar's coach trundled past a rundown little farmhouse. Normally the rich and affluent Czar Ivan (though not any of the three or so who actually were in actual Russian history) took no notice of the place, but on the particular day of the beginning of our story, a man with rather plentifully proportioned eyebrows-
E: … Bloody American author…
Ch: … Heh.
Ahem! Was standing at the gate drinking tea. The czar was slightly curious, and so he called the coach to a stop, and stepped out to speak with the man. The farmer bowed deeply, and began to speak.
"Oh, your most gracious royal highness! You do me and my farm the greatest honor in stopping your coach here, and setting foot on my humble land," he said.
E: … You're kidding.
Not really.
E: I hate you…
Well, yes, but who else could be China's dad? Your fault for claiming China back in the whenever-that-was century. In any case…
This speech intrigued the czar, and he grinned slightly.
"My, you do not speak much like a peasant. Who taught you your good manners?"
"Well, my daughter says that words are the most priceless things we have, and that I must use them well."
Czar Ivan tilted his head, pondering this for a second and closing his violet eyes.
"That is a wise daughter you have," he said at last.
R: … Hmmm…
The farmer's green eyes lit up.
"Oh, yes, sire! Why, she's surely the wisest person in all of Russia!" he bragged joyously.
"Wiser than your czar?" Ivan asked with a slight sneer.
The angry vibes coming off of him were so strong that the farmer stumbled back a step or two.
R: … Kol… Kol… Kol…
E: I-it's just a bloody story! H-honestly!
Ch: …
U-um… Russia? You uh… W-want to hear the rest of the story, right?
R: … Hm? Oh… Da, that would be nice.
E: …
Ch: …
Er… O-ok, then… Um…
S-so, the czar, with a tiny, angry smile on his face, returned to his coach, and it sped away. Later that day, the czar visited again, but this time only to drop a basket in the puzzled farmer's arms.
"Peasant, give these three dozen eggs to your wise daughter, and tell her that she must have them hatched by tomorrow," Czar Ivan ordered, his tiny dangerous smile still in place.
Confused, the farmer took the red eggs to his daughter as the czar sped away.
"Oh no!" she cried, lips pursed. "These are hard-boiled eggs, aru! I can't hatch these!"
But after a few minutes of pondering, the young farm girl got an idea and hurried off.
Ch: I wonder what kind of idea…? Aru…
The next day, the czar stopped his coach at the rundown little farm and looked out. He saw a beautiful young lady with long, shiny black hair, with a large basket on her back. Every so often, she would reach back into the basket and pull out a handful of rice, tossing it into the field.
E: H-huh? Rice?
You'll see.
As she tossed the rice she sang.
"Steamed rice, steamed rice, Steamed rice I sow, but will steamed rice grow?"
And of course Czar Ivan snorted to himself at the ridiculousness of this strange farm girl.
"What sort of harvest do you expect, sowing steamed rice?" he called out to her.
"The same the good czar expected when he asked me to hatch hard-boiled eggs," the girl replied sagely, grinning.
The czar blinked, and a tiny smile formed on his face, though his violet eyes turned ice cold. That same aura of intimidation began to roll off of him as had the day before.
Ch: Oh no, aru…
Unlike her father, however, the farm girl just stared at Czar Ivan with a strong-willed gaze. At last he turned and got back into his coach. It sped away, and the farm girl nodded, satisfied with herself.
E: Brilliant! Well, that was a good fairytale, but I do believe it is time for tea, don't you?
Er… It's not over, England.
E: … I-it's not…?
Moving on!
The day after that, a messenger came from the czar's palace carrying a note that was addressed to the farm girl. Attached to it was a small stalk of bamboo.
The note read:
On my travels around the world, I have become rather fond of the animal called a 'panda'. I am told that they eat bamboo. Therefore, use this one stalk of bamboo to catch every panda in the world by tomorrow. If you are unable to do this, there are still two open seats on the train to Siberia.
R: … Heh.
Ch: Great, now what do I do, aru?
Funny you should say that, China.
It was, in fact those same words that crossed the old farmer's mind. But the brave, ebony-haired farm girl just smiled and pocketed the bamboo. Scribbling a note and tearing a small branch from the tree outside, she handed both to the czar's messenger.
Her note went:
I am sure you are aware how very poor my dear father is. Therefore, we have not the money to buy cages for all of these animals. If the good Czar Ivan will most graciously use this twig to build a cage that can hold all of the pandas in the world, then I will be most happy to use this one stalk of bamboo to catch all the pandas of the world.
When Czar Ivan received this letter, he laughed aloud. The palace servants were quite startled, as it was not often that the czar partook in laughter.
R: … Hm…?
Ah… Hahaha… I-it's just a story, y-you know!
R: … Oh. Continue.
Um… S-sure thing…
He immediately called for his messenger once again.
"Take my goblet to the ramshackle farmhouse from before," he ordered, a cold, innocent smile on his face. "Tell the girl there that if she can empty the sea with this wine glass by morning, I'll marry her."
When she received the message, the farm girl laughed loudly, shaking her head and swishing her long black hair everywhere. Then she grabbed the stool from under the kitchen table and took the messenger's horse.
This, as it turns out, left the poor young man very put out. Put out enough to move away and start an adventure all his own, but we'll get to that in a few chapters.
E: Huh? But you didn't even say who it was!
We'll, you'll just have to wait and find out, won't you? Now then!
When she entered the czar's throne room, the young woman curtsied deeply, then sat down on the stool and retied her hair into a ponytail as she spoke.
"My dear Czar Ivan... All Russia loves you, and I love you more than all Russia. Nothing would please me more than to do exactly as you asked of me, aru… However, I have a slight problem…"
The czar smiled smugly, studying the farm girl with his purple gaze.
"So you are not so clever at all, really, are you?" he asked.
The girl sighed, running a hand through her long hair.
Ch: Is there… A particular reason you seem to be mentioning my hair so much, aru?
I'm just… Er… Emphasizing it's… Loveliness?
Ch: … Aiyaa… Just get on with it, aru…
"No," she shrugged. "Not clever at all. I would find it quite simple to use your goblet to empty the sea itself, aru… But once I do that, all the rivers will fill it back up again. Please, if you could dam up all the rivers in the world with my stool here, I would gladly empty the sea for you."
And at the strong, mischievous look in her eyes, the czar was overcome with laughter. At last, he collected himself, giving the farm girl a warm look.
"Your father was quite right," he mused. "You are wiser than me. However, I am still quite wise, and I know a good wife when I see one."
And to prove his point, Czar Ivan married the farm girl that very day.
E: … So that's it? That's bloody it?
No, it most certainly is not! Now shush, there's still a little ways to go!
However, she had one stipulation for him, and though the icy intimidation returned to his eyes briefly, the young woman insisted.
"You must promise that if you ever get tired of me and send me away, aru… I must be allowed to take the one thing I want most from the palace."
He agreed to this small promise, and they were wed; the poor farm girl became czarina of all Russia.
However… Czar Ivan had a nasty habit of drinking. This was all well and good in his younger years, when he was more stout. Sad as it is to say, as he got older, Czar Ivan's alcohol tolerance began to drop. His drunken rampages were well-known around the palace, and even the czarina was threatened on more than one occasion.
R: …
Ch: W-what? Aru! I don't like this!
R: I have already expressed my unhappiness at being portrayed as villain, yes?
Y-yes, quite vividly, if recall… B-but I promise, i-it's not like that!
R: … Kolkolkol…
Um… Um… S-so! Continuing!
One day, the czar began to shout at his wife. He demanded that she leave at once. With an air of confidence that she did not feel, the czarina slipped the empty bottle of vodka from her husband's fingers.
"Aru… It's empty," she said. "How about I get some more, and we can have one last glass together."
He agreed, moodily, and two glasses were poured for them. When Czar Ivan wasn't looking, his wife poured a sleeping potion in his goblet. A minute later, the blonde monarch was sprawled across his throne, snoring softly. The czarina called for a large trunk, and locked her husband inside. Then she ordered the servants to load it into a cart.
When the czar finally awoke, it was at the old rundown farmhouse where he had first met his wife. She was in her old, patched farm clothes, sewing away. The czar went into a rage.
"How dare you kidnap me!" he growled.
But the czarina just smiled, shaking her head.
"You promised me on our wedding day, aru… That I could have the one thing I wanted most from the palace if you ever sent me away… I wanted you."
And then Czar Ivan truly realized how lucky he was to have found such a wise and wonderful life.
R: … Hm… I like this story.
Ch: Y-yeah, it was pretty good, aru.
E: At least it's finally over after about twenty bloody false endings… I mean really-
The End