Chapter XV
12 Precinct, NYC
All three of them, Ryan, Esposito and Fung, had grabbed their jackets and were about to head out and assist a neighbouring precinct with a high profile homicide when Kevin got the call from Beckett.
Esposito knew it was her when he saw her name on the call display of his partner's cell phone. He watched Ryan as he stepped away from them to take the call and make what seemed to be light-hearted small talk before his expression turned serious.
"I'll see what I can find out when I get back this afternoon."
After he ended the call, Ryan slipped his phone back into his jacket.
"Oh shit," Fung announced when they were only steps from the elevator. "Completely forgot to e-mail the captain the Jimenez report. Gimme a sec?"
Esposito frowned and stuck his hands into his pockets, while Fung raced back to her desk.
"What'd Beckett want?" he asked Ryan, trying to sound nonchalant.
Ryan hesitated for a second and moved in closer, scanning the room to make sure no one was listening in. "Smith. She asked me to find him."
"The guy who kept the files from Montgomery to protect her from Bracken?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Said she needs to contact him in person."
"Weird." Esposito's frown deepened. "You gonna do it?"
Ryan gave him a questioning look. "Of course. It's Beckett."
"Right," Esposito grumbled.
"Look." Esposito figured his tone of voice had touched a nerve. "I have no idea why you were such a dick to her the last two weeks and it's none of my business, but she was our partner for almost a decade. That still means something."
"Excuse me?" Esposito stretched his neck.
"You know you were," Ryan shot back. "You went behind her back when she repeatedly told you to back off the Singh case, then you took her resignation personally, like she doesn't have a right to do whatever the hell she wants with her career, and then you skipped out on her going away party. Tell me that wasn't you being a jerk?"
"What the hell, bro?" Esposito expected brutal honesty from his partner but he didn't expect this. Out of nowhere. Suddenly his own phone rang and he almost did a double take when he saw the name on his call display. Ryan saw it too and smirked.
"Speak of the devil."
"Yo," Esposito answered it on the second ring.
"Hey, Espo it's me, Beckett."
"I can see that," his voice was strained, still trying to digest Ryan's accusations.
"Do you have ten minutes to meet with me today?" No small talk. Typical Beckett.
"Ryan and I just got assigned a new case."
"I only need a few minutes. I can meet you after your shift if you're too busy. Just tell me where and when. It's important."
"Fine." He told her to meet him at by the Union Square subway entrance, about a block from their homicide. Of course he could sneak away for ten minutes, especially since both Fung and Ryan were going to be there too.
Hamptons, Long Island
"Hey-"
Castle turned his head in the direction of his wife's voice only to see her standing in the doorway of the study.
He'd been sitting at his computer for the last hour and had written all of five sentences. Three of which he'd probably delete before the end of the day.
"Hey," he greeted her back and the word nearly got caught in his throat when he took in the sight of her in jeans, white t-shirt and black leather jacket, her outfit a reminder that the temperature had gone up almost twenty degrees from yesterday. Her hair was loose and looked longer and fuller than he'd remembered it, which was ridiculous and impossible because they'd only been apart for five days.
It was equally ridiculous that someone he knew so well, so intimately, could still take his breath away and make his heart skip a couple of beats.
"Espo says he can meet me in two hours. That means we have to leave for Manhattan, well, now."
He didn't answer. Let himself soak in the sight of her instead. Because he knew he wouldn't come along.
"Castle? You said you wanted to come."
"I better not," he admitted.
"How come?" she questioned, finally stepping into the study.
"I'm not sure I can have this conversation with Espo without strangling him."
"Ah-" Understanding dawned on her beautiful face. Then she shrugged. "All right, if you're sure you trust me to say the right things on my own."
Castle winced. He deserved that. "Kate-"
Beckett stared at him.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "For what I said this morning."
Beckett zipped up her leather jacket and met his gaze with weary eyes. "But not sorry for everything else you've said and done since Martha was attacked."
No.
Yes.
Yes, of course. You have no idea.
"I'll call you after the meeting," was all she said before she turned her back on him and left.
Castle stared at the open door leading into the hallway, knowing he wouldn't be able to write another word today.
Union Square Park, NYC
"Beckett, why the hell didn't you tell me?" Esposito questioned after she'd reluctantly spelled everything out for him. Everything. LokSat. The blackmail. The threat that Smith had issued. The real reason she resigned and asked him to lay off the Singh case.
They were sitting on a park bench and Beckett squinted in the bright afternoon sun, her fingers toying with the rim of the take-out cup of hot chocolate she'd grabbed after snagging a coveted parking spot two blocks from here.
"Because now you're an accomplice to my crimes and I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Bad enough I compromised my badge. And I'm not telling you now because I want you to feel bad about what happened to Martha."
"I am sorry as hell for that," Esposito told solemnly. One look at his face told her how much he meant it. "If I could take it back, if I'd been less of a bull-headed jack-"
"How the hell could you have known?"
"Doesn't matter. I should've respected your orders."
"Like I'd have done that when my orders made no sense."
"Doesn't-"
"Javi, stop. If anyone's to blame, it's me for going after these guys to begin with. I'm telling you this now because your life's in danger too and you need to know that. These guys will mow down anyone who's in their path. My AG team, Vikram, me, Martha...they'll stop at nothing."
Regret clouded his features. "What about you and Castle? Are you still in danger?"
Beckett took a sip of hot chocolate. "I don't think so. I don't think we ever were, to be honest. Not after their first attempt to kill me failed and not after I did that press conference. Killing us now would be way too obvious and messy for them. But I'm not sure. It's why I need to see Smith. To make sure."
"I guess you didn't tell Ryan that's why you needed to see him."
Beckett lowered the sunglasses she'd used to push her hair back on the way here. It really was a glorious day. More reminiscent of early Fall than early winter. "No. I don't think you should either. What I did in my last few weeks as Captain wasn't just immoral, Jav, it was criminal. Last thing I need is one more person complicit in this mess."
"You think he'll give a damn about that?" Esposito leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, before turning sideways and looking her in the eye. "We were your partners."
"I know and it's exactly why I couldn't tell you. Because I always knew you guys had my back. Never doubted it for a minute." She found her lips curling into a smile. "I love you guys and I've already dragged you into enough of my messes. This one could've jeopardized your entire careers or worse, gotten you killed."
"You could've let that be our decision. We're big boys."
"Ryan has a little girl," she countered. "And another baby on the way. I don't want him to have to make that choice."
"So we back off and let 'em get away with everything?" Esposito shook his head in disgusted disbelief. "With killing the AG team and Vikram and trying to kill you and then framing you for murder? You let these guys take your entire career from you."
"You know, if pursuing this meant we could bring Vikram back I'd do it, Espo. All the threats be damned, but it won't and I want to think he didn't die for us to throw our lives away."
"These guys will keep killing then. Because they know they can get away with it. They'll worm their way into power too."
"They're probably already there," Beckett said, chagrined, as a gust of wind sent a strand of hair across her face. "Vikram and I found links tracing LokSat to the Supreme Court in DC."
"Jesus Christ, Beckett."
"Don't tell me you're shocked that the world's a corrupt place? That would make you the least jaded homicide cop in history."
Esposito mustered a chuckle. "I'm shocked that I'm helping it along."
Beckett shrugged. "I want to believe it's not that simple. We're fighting in our way by biding our time, and by picking and choosing our battles. We can't fight them at all if we're dead or behind bars."
"Can't argue with that."
"I'm not very good at it yet," she admitted with a frown. "Picking my battles. Biding my time and all that. But I'm learning."
"So you want me to stop?"
"Yes. I need you to stop until we've talked to Smith," she told him. "If he says Castle and I are in the clear and that the only one they'll come after if you keep investigating is you, Javi, then that's your choice to make. But until then, you have to stop."
"Okay, boss."
"Look at you, listening to me now that I'm not your boss anymore."
He grinned. "Shut up."
Beckett returned his grin before she was serious again. "Truthfully, I can't see Loksat punishing me and my family for something that's out of our control now that I'm no longer at the 12th. It makes no sense. But what the hell do I know? Smith will know. That's why Castle and I need to talk to him."
"I gotta go." Esposito told her, getting up from the bench after noticing the time on his watch. "I'm supposed to meet Ryan and Fung at the morgue. Ryan will get you the info you need. Probably before the end of the day. Smith's not a cipher anymore and Ryan's good with that IT stuff."
"I know," Beckett replied, getting up as well. "That's why I asked him. Not you."
"Ouch," Esposito bumped his fisted hand against his heart.
Beckett gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder. "You know it."
"Yo, Beckett."
"What?"
"Ryan told me this morning that I was jerk to you before you left. He was right."
"I didn't make things easy for you."
"Doesn't matter. I shoulda known better."
"This mean we're good?"
"Yeah. We're good as long as you promise to be straight with me next time someone threatens you and your family. Always gonna have your back, Beckett." He tapped his badge. "Family first. Then this."
Then he stepped forward and pulled her into a hug.
When he let go, Beckett gave him a look that let him know she was grateful. She didn't have to say it. She never did with Javi.
Then she watched him walk away, before turning in the opposite direction to where her car was parked. On the way there, Beckett adjusted her sunglasses in the afternoon glare and tossed the empty cup of hot chocolate into a waste bin.
Richard Castle Investigations, NYC
Later
She'd been on her way to Remy's, where she'd intended to grab a take-out cheeseburger followed by a nap in the loft, when she got a call from a frantic Alexis.
"Are you seriously in the city right now? Oh my God, Kate...do you think you could swing by the PI agency and help me find a way to skim through seventy-hours of security footage? I was supposed to get back to this guy yesterday and I'm so behind because I spent five days in the Hamptons...and I really don't want to bug Dad, or have him think I can't handle this on my own-"
"Alexis, slow down. Tell me again exactly what you need?"
The words 'seventy hours of security footage' made her wince and have flashbacks to her days as a beat cop, but of course she'd said yes and driven straight to the agency instead of Remy's.
And now she'd been here for almost three hours, her eyes starting to strain from the endless reel of grainy images on the computer screen in front of her. The iPhone lying on the desk next to her suddenly vibrated giving her a chance to turn away.
"Beckett," she answered in a clipped tone. Old habits died hard.
She stopped the footage and leaned back in the office chair, grateful for the respite.
"You got him?" Beckett pushed herself forward again and grabbed the pen that was lying on a notebook on top of her husband's desk. "Holy cow, Ryan. You're amazing."
She grinned when he told her there was no need to point out things he already knew and then jotted down the address he gave her.
She dialled Castle's number as soon as she hung up and he answered after the first ring. "Hey, it's me. Ryan got an office address in Brooklyn. I can head there now and wait for him to leave the building, assuming he's there. I can text you the address."
"Okay. I'll leave right now and meet you there."
"I'm at the PI agency with Alexis, shouldn't take me more than thirty minutes to get there. In case I see Smith before you get there, do you want me to let him go and we'll go back tomorrow? Or you want me to confront him?" Beckett wanted to do this on his terms this time. Didn't want to give him any more ammunition for blame in case something went wrong.
Several seconds of silence went by before he responded.
"Confront him," he told her. "We need to know as soon as possible."
"Okay."
"I trust you."
Beckett bit her lip. Do you? "Okay."
"But I'll see you soon. Less than two hours. You did leave the Ferrari here."
That remark made her smile because it had a trace of the Castle she knew so well, not the angry man she'd come to know the last few days. "All right. See you soon. I'll text you the address."
She pushed her chair back and got up to see Alexis in the next room. One glance at the clock on the wall reminded her that she'd completely forgotten about lunch and was so hungry now, she was starting to feel lightheaded. She'd always been able to skip a meal or two, as well as a night's sleep, and still power through the day, so this was a weird new sensation, this notion of needing food and sleep this badly.
She put a hand on her growling stomach. Seriously, kid. Hold your horses, will you? For someone the size of an olive, you already have the appetite of an elephant.
That was another weird new habit, she realized. Talking to her stomach. Even though right now it was legitimately talking back.
"Hey, Alexis," she said, poking her head into the office next door. "Something's come up. I need to head out."
"Oh-" Alexis turned her attention away from her computer screen. "No worries. Thanks so much for helping me go through this stuff. "
"Anytime."
"You going back to the Hamptons tonight?" Alexis asked hesitantly.
It was a good question, Beckett thought. Was she? But then she remembered the glass of Merlot she'd promised to pour for Martha.
"Yeah, I'll head back."
Alexis looked relieved. "Good. I'm glad. Give Dad my love."
"Will do."
Brooklyn, NY
Castle wasn't kidding when he said he'd be here soon, Beckett thought when she saw him crossing the street and making his way towards her, his pace quick and determined.
She hadn't been sitting here for an hour yet, after her thirty-minute drive to this stretch of unremarkable commercial buildings a few blocks from Jamaica Bay.
"Which one is it?" Castle asked her after he sat down, slightly out of breath. He smelled good, wearing that ridiculously expensive cologne that she loved.
Beckett blinked and put a hand over her eyes to avert the sunlight. "The glass door," she pointed out. "Over there. Number 31."
"Do we know he's inside for sure?"
"No."
Castle stared at the building. "Going inside would be a bad idea, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, bad idea," she agreed. "Ryan gave me another call on the way here. He checked out the company and he thinks it could be a front of sorts. It's listed as an import-export company, which means it could be anything. It could be linked to LokSat and Smith could be doing legal work for them."
Castle drew his sunglasses from his shirt pocket but not before he turned to her. "So we wait 'til he leaves the building, lay low until he's far away enough and then pounce on him. Even though we don't know if he's actually in there today?"
"You have a better idea?"
"If we have the company name we can call and find out if he's there."
"Then we'll spook him and the last thing we want is for LokSat to think we're still doing any investigating."
"Then we should be doing this outside his home, not outside his work."
"Yeah, we should," Beckett agreed. "But Ryan couldn't get his home address. Not yet."
"How is it that Ryan got a work address and not a home address?"
"'Cause that's what was used when Smith was admitted to the hospital two years ago."
"Ah-."
It was strange, Beckett thought to sit here and brain storm, to go over tactical decisions they way they used to, as though the last week hadn't happened. "Ryan might get it in a day or two," Beckett suggested. "We can wait if you think it's safer."
"I think-" Castle debated it while searching her face for agreement. "The sooner we talk to him, the safer it is for all of us. But you're right, I don't want LokSat to see this as us poking our noses in their business again."
"We're sitting on a bench across from the building, across from a business that might have loose ties to these guys," Beckett reminded him. "That's all. If Smith does come out we carefully follow him to the parking lot two blocks from here. That's where we confront him."
"Ryan's sure that's where the employees park their cars? There isn't some underground garage we don't know of?"
"No," Beckett assured him. "Ryan's thorough. You know that."
"You armed?"
Beckett nodded.
"Okay," Castle exhaled and she could see the tension around his eyes relax, before he examined her more closely. "How long have you been here?"
"I came straight from the PI office," she told him. "So- maybe an hour?"
"Aren't you freezing?"
"Not really." She wasn't dressed for early December but then it wasn't exactly early December weather today. The bright sunshine made the unseasonably warm weather feel even warmer. "But I am starving," she admitted. She'd decided not to grab anything on the way here because she didn't want to risk missing Smith in case he left work early. "I saw a corner store a block from here. You fine if I run over there and grab something?"
"Sure."
Beckett pushed herself off the bench, and maybe she did too fast or maybe she really did wait too long too eat since her bowl of cereal this morning, or maybe it was something else altogether, but her vision suddenly swam and she felt her knees give in and buckle, completely unable to keep her upright.
"Kate!"
She would've hit the ground if it weren't for Castle grabbing onto her leather jacket and hooking his arms under hers with lightning speed. He pulled her back up and let her lean into him hard, face squished into his chest. She felt him snake an arm around her waist before he gently lowered her back down to the bench.
"Put your head down," he told her, his voice sounding distant and far away. Long hair fell down over her and Castle's fingers pulled some of it away so he could see her face.
She took a deep breath and saw her vision return to normal. Castle's hand on her thigh went from blurry to clear and after a bit of blinking she saw five distinct fingers instead of one big blob.
"Kate-" His other hand was still in her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear, until it rested at the back of her neck. "What happened?"
"I- " She took another deep breath and tested her fingers to make sure she could feel her limbs, because she definitely didn't feel much of her legs when she tried to stand up a minute ago. "I don't know. I think I got up too fast."
Her hands were fine and she moved her toes inside her shoes and could feel them too. She was still dizzy, but that was fading too.
"You got up too fast?" Castle questioned her and when she finally moved her head back up to look at him she was taken aback how deeply he'd furrowed his brows, full of fear and concern.
"Yeah-" She pressed her eyes shut and kept breathing. Deep steady breaths. "I haven't eaten since breakfast, maybe that's why-"
His hand was still on the back of her neck. "Since when do those things make you faint?"
"Faint? What?" She opened her eyes relieved to see that her vision was back to normal. "I didn't faint," she told him. "Just got dizzy for a second."
"And now?"
"Now I'm okay."
"Does your head hurt?" His thumb had inched up along her scalp and she wanted to lean into him. She'd missed his touch so much. The way his hands knew every inch of her body. Maybe if he thought she really did feel awful then he wouldn't mind if she-
Beckett swallowed and pushed the appalling thought from her mind. She did not want him to care for her out concern. Even if the thought entered her mind in a moment of weakness.
No way. Not that desperate yet.
Beckett pushed herself away from him, denying the urges of her body that wanted the exact opposite.
"Kate- tell me, does your head hurt?" he repeated. He said it with the kind of gentle patience that he used to have with her. Before he blamed her for Martha's attack.
"No."
He didn't look convinced. "You should lie down."
"What?" Beckett looked at him. "Here? On the bench?"
"Yeah."
"Uh, no. I'm not lying down on this bench."
"Kate, you're scaring me."
"I'm fine, Castle," she insisted. "I got up too fast and I'm- starving. Will you grab me some food from the corner store?" It suddenly occurred to her then that they'd been so distracted these past couple of minutes that Smith could've walked right past them and they would've missed it. Made her want to kick herself.
"I'm not leaving you here alone."
"Oh for god's sake. Fine. I'll go," she snapped and got back up, slowly and steadily this time, testing her legs at first until she felt Castle's fingers tug at her wrist.
"Kate," he sounded exasperated now. "Stay put, would you? I'll get it. Tell me what you want."
She didn't care as long as it was edible. "Crackers? Fruit? Granola bar? Something like that."
"Fine." He made her sit back down and she saw his eyes lingering on her for a few seconds, as if debating whether to leave her there.
Now that the world wasn't spinning around her anymore, Kate turned her attention back to the building that was the object of their stakeout, as soon as he was gone.
Castle came back quickly, carrying a bulging grocery bag in his hand.
"You still okay?" he asked before he sat back down.
Beckett observed the uncertainty on his handsome face. Not sure what to make of it all. "Yeah, I'm fine," she assured him, eyes on the grocery bag that he set down next to her. "How much food did you get?"
"Have a look."
She peaked inside it and spotted a couple of chocolate bars, a bag of chips, a granola bar, a muffin inside a plastic wrap, a bottle of water, orange juice, chocolate milk, a banana, an apple, an orange . "Castle?" She was slack-jawed. "Are you planning on having a picnic?"
"Wasn't sure what you wanted. So I got...a bit of everything."
She reached into the bag and grabbed the banana and the chocolate milk.
"That was for me," he quipped as soon as she plunged a straw into the milk container.
"Oh, sorry," Beckett handed it back to him but Castle held up his palm.
"I'm kidding," he told her and Beckett thought she saw a smile on his lips for the first time in days. "It's yours. All of it."
"Castle-"
"Eat," he insisted. "I'll keep an eye out for Smith."
She did. The banana, the muffin and half the bag of chips and still Smith was nowhere in sight. They sat there another hour until they decided to call it quits and try again tomorrow, hoping by then they'd have a home address.
Castle rubbed his hands together. "I'm frozen."
"Me too," Beckett admitted. It got cold fast after the sun went down, an instant reminder that it really was December, not October, even if it had felt like it during the day.
She saw him thinking, his face etched in the kind of concentration he used to reserve exclusively for staring at her murder boards.
"What are we gonna do with the Ferrari?" he asked her out of the blue.
"What do you mean? You'll drive it back to the Hamptons. I'll take my car."
Castle frowned. "Don't want you to drive after what happened."
"What?" Beckett didn't understand. "Because I got dizzy?"
"Because you fainted!"
"Castle, I'm fine," she repeated. It wasn't a phony reassurance. It was the truth. "I'll pull over if that changes. I'm not that reckless especially now-" She stopped herself.
Castle stared at her. "Especially now?"
Beckett wondered whether she'd already turned six shades of red, in spite of the cold. She wanted to grab his jacket, stand up on her toes, yank him close and then tell him everything right on the heels of a long, messy kiss. We made a baby, Rick.
"Especially now," she exhaled. Not here. Not now. "After everything that's happened."
"We can leave it here," he argued. "Then we'll both take your car back."
"Leave the Ferrari parked here? In an open lot in Brooklyn? Are you crazy?"
"It's...a car."
"A three-hundred thousand dollar car," she corrected him.
"Okay, fine, we'll both drive to the loft," he told her. Annoyed. Beckett couldn't decide whether it was because he didn't want to deal with their car situation or because she wasn't meeting him halfway. "Park the Ferrari there and then we can head out together from there."
Beckett closed her eyes when they stopped at a traffic light. Tired. The parking lot where they'd both parked was only one more block away. "Look," she turned to him. "I don't have to go to the Hamptons with you. I- I can stay at the loft."
He was staring straight ahead at the traffic light. Not at her. "Didn't you promise my mother a half glass of Merlot with dinner tonight?"
"I'm sure you can pour it for her too."
"She likes having you there. It makes her happy."
"What about you, Rick?" Beckett stopped dead in her tracks. "Does it make you happy?"
He finally turned to her and when he did, she couldn't read him at all. "Look, I'm trying to do everything I can for my mother right now. To do whatever it takes to help her overcome this thing. It's all I can think about, you can understand that, can't you?"
"Yeah-" The light turned green and she started walking again, half a step ahead of him, because she couldn't bear looking at him anymore. "Sure."
"Kate-" She felt his hand on her arm. "Slow down."
She suddenly didn't want to do this. Didn't want to spend two hours in a car with him, knowing he didn't want her there.
"Kate," his grip on her tightened and she was forced to slow down. Either wrangle herself out of his grip. "Take the Ferrari to the loft, park it there and then come to the Hamptons with me. Please?"
"Okay," she mumbled under her breath, grateful for the din of traffic all around them.
She'd do it, of course she'd do it, even though she no longer wanted to.
Hamptons, Long Island
Later
It was nearly midnight by the time he slipped underneath the covers, his mind still racing, thinking back to the last few hours.
He'd been right about it being good for Martha that Kate was here. Aside from the glass of wine she'd blackmailed her into over dinner, it was the company that his mother appreciated the most, judging from the way her bruised face lit up during their late night meal and conversation. Kate's did too and he couldn't help letting his eyes linger on her when she wasn't watching. They were so different, but so good for each other, Martha and Kate.
Kate hadn't said much before they sat for a dinner of leftovers, mostly because she dozed off on the way out of Manhattan. She'd lowered the seat in the passenger's side and told him she was going to close her eyes for a few minutes.
At first he thought it was her way of avoiding him and he didn't blame her.
"What about you, Rick? Does it make you happy?"
Of course it did.
But he couldn't bring himself to let her know how much he wanted her back under the same roof. Not until he could make sure that having her there wasn't going to jeopardize his mother and daughter. Because until then it still made him feel guilty as hell for wanting it at all.
It wasn't until they were an hour into the drive and he'd seen her head loll towards him that he realized she really was fast asleep. Wasn't just avoiding him.
Another sudden, crippling thought had struck him then and had given him goose bumps, right then and there, while sandwiched between two tractor trailers on the freeway.
The realization that this wasn't normal.
Beckett. Being this tired, all the time. Nearly collapsing because she got up too fast. The constant headaches. The fact that she was fast asleep now, even though she'd napped for over an hour in the car.
This wasn't her. None of it was.
For weeks he'd chalked it off to the hell she'd gone through at Rikers. Had made her vitamin-laden smoothies and hearty meals to get her back on her feet, and yet none of it had helped even though this was Beckett they were talking about, the most resilient person he'd ever met. There was no way that over a month later, she'd still be reeling from the physical effects of five weeks at Rikers. No way.
Not if she was healthy.
Now lying awake in bed, in the early morning hours, his mind went back to the revelation he had on the freeway, adding a whole slew of morbid thoughts to it.
The bloody fights at Rikers. The litter strewn alley where Leon had found her. The near overdose. What if the needle...what if it was dirty? What were the chances it wasn't? After all they tried to kill her.
Hepatitis. HIV. Those were the kind of things you got from dirty needles. The kind of illnesses that mimicked a hundred others and zapped away all your energy.
Castle put a hand over his mouth.
He thought he was going to be sick. Turned on the bedside lamp and swung his legs over the bed, about to make a run for the bathroom when he clenched his gut and fought back the nausea.
Made his way back under the covers and inched towards his wife, his hand reaching out to rest on her back, because he selfishly needed to touch her. Even if he'd wake her in the process, which he did.
Kate turned around with a groan. "Rick?"
Her eyes squinted in the brightness of the light coming from the bedside table lamp. "Kate."
"Rick? You okay?"
Had they really fallen so far, that she thought something was wrong when he reached out to touch her at night?
His fingers found their way into her hair and he brushed messy strands of it from her sleep drunk face. "I'm okay, but what about you?"
"Me?" Annoyed, sleepy bewilderment raised her brows. "I'm sleeping. Was sleeping."
"Sorry."
"Castle, what's goin' on?"
"I don't know."
"Oh God," he heard groan and bury her head in her pillow. "This is a dream, isn't it?"
"Kate-"
He saw her lips curl into a smile before she drifted back off. But not before she inched closer to him, her head halfway off the pillow and burrowing into his chest. "S'a good one though. Missed you so much, babe. You have no-" The rest of it wasn't audible. But it didn't need to be.
The guilt still swirled in his gut. That maybe this was wrong and unfair for his family.
Except you're my family too and I wilfully chose to forget that this week. We made a pact last year. For better or worse, but as soon as the shit hit the fan, I bolted and I'm so damn sorry, Kate. I made you think that I doubted you when you never gave me any reason.
Castle didn't care anymore. If having her in his life and in his arms was wrong, then he'd bear the burden. Gladly.
He put his hand on her shoulder and rested it there.
He was done being afraid.