*Elephant lumbers into the room* What was that? *Elephant trumpets* Has something happened? *Elephant steals most of my peanut butter* Hey, give them back! *Elephant eats peanut butter* WHY MUST YOU TAKE AWAY THINGS THAT ARE PRECIOUS TO ME?!

Also, happy 19th birthday to me! ... I wish I could've given myself a better present.

Ryan was back in the haze again. That blurred line between Awake and Not where time is nothing but an illusion and space is even less than that. His body already felt trembly and his consciousness as precarious as a vase being jostled from someone lightly brushing against its pedestal. Yet he found stability and comfort in the arms that held him, their warmth shielding him from the coldness of the reality that had settled around him.

It wasn't a feeling that Ryan was used to, growing up most of his life being treated like the rotten little boy that everyone believed him to be, including himself. Yet the lack of previous comforting experience almost served to enhance this one, like his whole life had been leading up to being embraced by one Finley Albaston.

But it was worth it. By God, it was worth every goddamn second.

So you could imagine his disappointment when he next opened his eyes to find himself alone the next morning.

Yeah, Finley couldn't stay forever, he knew that, but Ryan wasn't one to object to spending as much time with him as possible.

Still, he had to focus on basic things for now. His clothes were rumpled from sleeping in them, he was hungry for the first time in a while and he had a measly nine spoons from the stress of the previous days. In his eyes, nine spoons were too few to spend any mulling over those days. He had to move on. Cancer didn't take breaks for mental breakdowns. He had more radiotherapy later that same day, after all.

An hour and two spoons later saw him in the lounge, staring idly at the blank TV screen and fiddling with the remote in his hand, debating on whether he should turn it on or not. Maybe it would serve as a distraction to his numb state, maybe not. At this point, the Prime Minister could announce that the UK had declared World War III on Russia, complete with nuclear weapons of mass destruction, and it probably wouldn't faze him.

Besides, what could a bit of nuclear fallout do? Give him cancer?

This was a different kind of haze. Not the deliciously drowsy kind where you felt both heavy and floaty at the same time, like what he felt when Finley was here. This was as stifling as smoke, complete with dust particles that settled into a thick layer of grey grime over his perceptive lens, preventing him from processing things properly. Not many things could break through.

"Hey."

Except maybe that.

Ryan hadn't heard her approach, but then again, wheels tended to be quieter than footsteps.

"Aren't you meant to be at school?" he inquired, his voice flat and eyes fixed on the blank TV screen.

"Mike and May-Li let me stay back here today," Chloe said hastily. "Listen, I get it if you hate me and don't want to talk to me right now ..."

Her words piqued Ryan's interest and he turned his head fully to look at her. They sounded unusual coming from her mouth, normally she'd be the first to pin the blame on him. "What do you mean?"

"I was being so selfish," Chloe explained. "Not just with Mum but with the whole time of you being ill."

Ryan frowned. Yes, Chloe hadn't been the most charitable towards him, but it wasn't like he'd asked for it or even expected it. Still, it would be highly interesting - and beneficial - to find out more. "I stopped you going with Mum, you're gonna be stuck with me for the next few years, and somehow I'm not the selfish one for once? What's brought this on?"

Chloe sighed. "When your friend Finley came here yesterday, his sister Rosemary came too. She stayed down in the living room while you guys were upstairs, while we gave her the details of what happened."

"Go on."

"After we told her everything, she started grilling me, asking how Mum could do something like that to you and ... why I would still want to go with her after that. I didn't say much but somehow, she saw right through me. She saw how I was so used to Mum and most other people bending over backwards for me, and you were right there among them. But then you got ill and you couldn't do what you used to do for me anymore, and I ... I can't remember a time where I offered to help you with anything."

"Not like I asked for help," Ryan said shortly.

"I know, you like helping yourself," Chloe said, with a hint of a chuckle in her voice. "You're not made of glass, I know, but still, you could probably do with a few more spoons." She paused. "How many do you have, by the way?"

"Seven."

Chloe nodded. "I'm sorry, I'll try not to take up too many, I know you have radiotherapy later," she said before her expression sank again. "After Rosemary left, I had a think about what she said, and I realised that it was the same reason I didn't like how you wanted that operation, the one that was gonna paralyse you. I guess I just didn't like the idea of not being the only wheelchair user in the house anymore." She let out a mirthless chuckle until she saw his face. "What's up? You're not having it, are you?" she frowned.

Rosemary wasn't the only sister who could see through people, it turned out. "I got a lawyer," Ryan explained. "He wrote up a contract that's gonna let me have it. My doctor's accepted it and signed it. I don't know when I'm gonna have it, but I'm eventually gonna have that operation."

Chloe stared, before narrowing her eyes slightly. "... How did you afford a lawyer?"

"Pro bono," Ryan said. "Basically working for free because I'm a skint care kid and I need the job done. He's also Finley's dad so he could direct me to him. That's pretty much how it happened. It's gonna paralyse me, but I'd rather have that wait for this to kill me."

Chloe was silent, her eyes directed away from Ryan's face as she processed these prospects over again. Her facial expression looked like she was having quite some difficulty swallowing it, until she finally gulped it down. "I can live with that. You've done stupid things for selfish reasons before," she said bluntly, causing Ryan to pout slightly in annoyance, "but you're not selfish for wanting to live. I'm sorry for acting like that, and when you have it, I'll be there to help you with anything, I promise."

Ryan let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Thanks, Chlo."

"There's just one more thing I want to know, though," she went on, looking him more seriously in the eye again, putting him slightly on edge. "Does this have anything to do with me ... with what happened when we were little?"

Ryan very badly wanted to say 'No, of course not,' but the familiar sting of being caught out for something he couldn't deny begged to differ, preventing the otherwise instinctual words forming in his mouth. He turned his face away from Chloe and glanced out of the window, but the light shining through it made the wet sheen in his eyes harder to hide.

Chloe sighed. "I know you've always blamed yourself for what happened, but-"

"She let me think that for years," Ryan interrupted, clenching his fist. "I carried it around for so long, Chloe, I can't just take it off like that."

"You never hurt me," Chloe insisted, shifting herself from her wheelchair to the sofa so she could sit next to him, taking his clenched fist into her hand and gently forcing his fingers to relax. "You were so little."

"Exactly," Ryan said, not daring to put much voice behind his words lest it crack. "I was a happy little boy, and then she did that to me, and when you grow up with that, even when you doubt it for the slightest moment, it builds and builds and builds and ... now, we're here."

"So, you can't fully let it go," Chloe surmised. "Kind of like a chronic illness."

Ryan tried to laugh but it came out sounding more like a sob. It wasn't pleasant on the ear. "May-Li said that too. It's like a part of her is still here, telling me I'm bad." He sniffed. "Not that I need her to make me believe I'm bad. I mean, just look at everything I've done since."

She knew what he was referring to. "I won't tell them about you getting Mike suspended," she said. "You don't need it, not now and not ever. But you've got to try and better yourself, otherwise, they're not gonna want to help you, sick or not. That's what Rosemary said to me yesterday."

Ryan nodded, wiping his eyes with his free hand. "I'll try, but ... you need to help me."

She squeezed his hand. "You're not the only one she left an impact on. The more I thought about living with Mum, the more I realised how much she put me down too. There were so many things I couldn't do when I was with her. She wouldn't let me go on school trips, even if it was to a completely accessible museum, saying I wasn't well enough. She wouldn't even let me do wheelies after I ended up getting hurt after one - and for future reference when you have to use a wheelchair yourself, you can't live without doing wheelies if you want to go out anywhere on your own. This sounds really mean, but ..."

"I won't be offended," Ryan said.

"... but it was almost a relief going into care. I really missed her at first, but after a while, it was like chains had fallen from me. I was too young to really see it at the time but looking back on everything now, it feels like she was just using me and my disability to show what a great loving mum she was." Chloe once again looked like she was trying to down some hard-to-swallow pills. "I'm stronger than that now, stronger than she probably would've let me get with her."

Ryan extracted his hand from hers so he could use that arm to wrap around her. She reciprocated and leaned into his touch. "I might still miss her for a while," she confessed. "Even after everything she's done to us, she's still our mum, you know? Maybe we just needed to ... break away from her."

"She broke away from us a long time ago," Ryan said candidly. "About the same time Dad did, I reckon."

Chloe nodded, and they both fell silent, becoming absorbed in the specs of dust floating in the sunlight, too emotionally drained to speak about the matter anymore.

That was how they stayed until May-Li called them for lunch a couple of hours later. Yet more lazy hours passed until it was time for Ryan to return to radiotherapy. Chloe bid him farewell and he and Mike set off in his car.

A few spoons later saw Ryan being helped out of the linear accelerator and Mike approaching him as he was buttoning his shirt.

"Dr Gareth wants an appointment with us soon," Mike had informed him. "He wants to talk to us about the results of your recent scans. Are you okay to see him tomorrow afternoon?"

Ryan nodded slowly, though Mike's words instilled a flicker of fear in his stomach. Had his tumour gotten worse instead of better? Would he still be able to have the operation?

"He didn't sound too worried if that's any reassurance," the man said.

The following day was a school day, but his appointment meant he could leave early again. Few people questioned him about his absence the previous day - "cancer" seemed reason enough for most.

After finishing lunch, Ryan got up and made his way over to Mike's waiting car. He had to leave early due to his slower walking speed, but he eventually made it and soon enough, he and Mike were sitting in Dr Gareth's office with his latest PET scan images shown on the doctor's computer screen.

"From the scans, we can see how the tumour has remained stable since starting your treatment," Dr Gareth explained, indicating on the images. "That means it hasn't grown and doesn't appear to be in danger of spreading. However, in spite of that, it isn't shrinking as fast or as much as we would like, especially in preparation for radical surgery like yours. So, what I would like to propose to you is a different method of treatment - brachytherapy, or internal beam radiotherapy."

"What's that?"

"Well, what you've been having so far is external beam radiotherapy, where we aim the radiation inward from the outside," Dr Gareth said. "With internal beam radiotherapy, however, we put the radioactive substance directly inside the tumour. This enables us to aim a higher dose of radiation to a smaller area than external beam radiation. What we do is we implant little radioactive metal pellets, about the size of a grain of rice, into the tumour, and as they deliver their radiation, over time they get less radioactive. Normally, we'd just leave these pellets in, but as you're going to have surgery to remove the whole tumour anyway, the pellets will just end up being taken out along with it."

"So what's the point of this internal radiation if I'm just gonna get it taken out anyway?"

"Because tumour cells can still leech off into the surrounding tissue without being immediately obvious," Dr Gareth warned. "This is much more likely to decrease the chances of the tumour growing back after the operation than if we carry on as we have been doing."

"Okay ..." Ryan said uncertainly. "Is there a catch?"

"Afraid there is," Dr Gareth said, seriously. "Due to the implants, you will essentially be radioactive for about four days, so you will have to stay in a private room in the hospital for that amount of time until the radiation has decreased to a safe level."

"So, like quarantine?" Ryan questioned.

"That's ... well, you're not wrong," Dr Gareth said, unable to deny it. "You won't be completely closed off though. You can have visitors, but people will be required to keep a safe distance from you, like standing at the doorway instead of right next to you, for example. Hospital staff coming to examine you might have to wear protective clothing or be quick about it. You will essentially be treated like you're contagious, but rest assured, we will still take care of your every need."

"What do you say, Ryan?" Mike asked.

So, yeah, you probably saw where I took lines from Ryan's final episode. I really don't know how to feel about it because there were some parts I felt worked amazingly well and others that were as weak as water. Both the writing and acting during the scene with Ryan and his mum in the flat were on point as was pretty much everything in the second half of the episode, but the thing I hate most about it was not only Ryan leaving, but just how abrupt it was. I don't get the point of the beginning with Maureen as that led to a whole lot of nothing. If it was to build up to him leaving, they didn't need her in the mix, IMO they should've cut that whole bit and dedicated more time to the reasons for him leaving.

While I am gutted he left and I wish they'd handled it better, the stuff that worked well was amazing IMO. I've watched that flat scene on its own more times than I care to count and Lewis's acting was as magnificent as ever. If the show is still going in a few years' time I really hope they bring him back as a young cop in an episode and he can "arrest" another troubled resident like himself and give sage advice.

BTW the beginning sketch with the elephant was meant to represent the proverbial "elephant in the room" of Ryan being gone, and it took away my precious peanut butter just like how our precious Ryan was taken from us. Yeah, I heard that Lewis wanted to leave but that doesn't stop it being sad. I mean they didn't even address The Email That Need Not Be Named damn it!