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John was alarmed by Sherlock's sudden fainting spell; he checked his vitals after he laid him on his bed. They all seemed in with normal range; he had been monitoring Sherlock's eating patterns and he'd seemed to be doing better so he doubted that it was that. John tried not to read too much into it; it was probably just stress related. Sherlock wasn't exactly in good mental or physical health at the moment.

John pulled the chair off the floor that was beside the bed and sat down. John watched Sherlock pale and passed out; he had to admit he was in way over his head. Maybe Mycroft was right about Sherlock. Maybe he did need to be the hospital; maybe being at home wasn't the best thing for him. John couldn't help him; he didn't know what to possibly do for him. He had thought that he could help Sherlock and while he had regained his memory, it was obvious that he hadn't really helped him. And by this point, John honestly felt like he needed a therapist now as well.

He had thought Ella was crazy; her assumption that Sherlock saw Garret as a family member, someone he loved had seemed absurd to him. It was now apparent to him that she was correct. Maybe talking to her would be a good idea; now that he knew she wasn't completely wrong about what she said about Sherlock.

Maybe she could even help him figure out what Sherlock meant by his feelings toward him; he doubted that he could tell her though. Surely Sherlock hadn't meant it the way it sounded I wanted to be with you…..you wouldn't want me because I'm broken…..Sherlock barely acted like John was his friend; sometimes he didn't even act like he wanted him around. Now he was acting like he…wanted to be with him? What did that even mean? Did Sherlock even know? A few months ago he would have said Sherlock wasn't capable of feeling such things, of wanting that sort of relationship. He now knew that he was capable of those things and had done them before, but on an entirely fucked up level. Sherlock probably didn't even know what a normal relationship consisted of. John really hoped that Sherlock didn't want to actually be with him; he didn't want that and he didn't want to have to turn him down, especially in such a fragile emotional state.

John checked Sherlock's vitals (again) before deciding to leave him resting alone. He was relieved and a bit worried as well when he saw Sherlock's eyes moving under his eyelids, dreaming. He wasn't unconscious now but he was dreaming and that probably wasn't a good thing.

John went to his bedroom and pulled out his mobile, dialing Ella's number. He knew it was late and she might not answer but a part of him desperately hope that she did; John thought he might explode if he didn't talk to someone about all of this and he couldn't talk to anyone else about Sherlock's delicate situation; he wouldn't talk about it to anyone else.

After several rings, Ella picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Ella. It's John." He said, glad she picked up. "I know it's kind of afterhours but I really….need some advice."

Ella listened patiently as John spilled out everything he had to say, all of the numerous things that had happened since he'd last talked to her. He felt a weight lifting off of him as he spoke, glad to be able to share the burden with someone else, especially since he had not been exactly nice to Ella last time he spoke to her. After he had, he felt, spilled his guts completely, he said, "I just….I just don't know what to do. I know that Sherlock really needs to have therapy, that he needs professional help. But he won't talk to anyone else. He just talks to me. He completely shuts down around anyone else. Forget even suggesting that he speak to a psychologist. I'm lucky he even told me"

"Well, it is a very good thing that Sherlock is speaking to you" Ella agreed. "His lack of sharing his feelings very well maybe contributed to the problems he's facing now. I do agree that he needs professional help but if he refuses it, it's good that he has you to listen to him"

But it's too much for me , John wanted to say. The pressure of all of Sherlock's terrible memories and his own guilt, combined with his lack of ability to help him made it too much for John to handle. Luckily, Ella seemed to know this. "But I'm sensing that you're having a hard time with this as well" she said.

"Yeah" John admitted. "I don't know what to say or do to help him…..just when I think it can't get any worse, it does and I don't know what to do."

"He needs to go back to the hospital" Ella said, "where the doctors can try to help him. They can't force him to talk but maybe after some time he may trust them enough to open up a little. You said that he was in therapy when he was younger right?"

"Yea, after his…suicide attempt" John said, hating to even remember that.

"He obviously was helped then because he became a relatively well-adjusted adult" Ella said. "It may take time, a long time, but I think Sherlock will do better once he's in the hospital. With your support of course. You're going to be very important to his healing. He trusts you now"

John hung his head. "I don't know that he does trust me that much" he admitted, sharing with Ella how Sherlock had lashed out at him and told him that he let him down.

"Deep down, he doesn't believe that" Ella said., "I'm almost certain of it. He shared a lot with you tonight right? The things that he told you were very private and personal for him. He would not tell you those things if he didn't trust you. Part of him may blame you for not being the emotional support he needed; but whether or not those feelings are sincere, John, it is not your fault. I know you tend to blame yourself for Sherlock's issues. You are not a mind reader and you can't be expected to know what Sherlock needs without him being honest with you."

She had a point, even though John still wanted to blame himself. "I guess you're right….but I do wish I could have helped. I still don't know what it is he needs….I mean…..when he was talking about it…..it was almost like he was implying that…..he wanted something more" even saying it John felt mortifying embarrassment.

"I know it's probably not what you want to hear" Ella started. "But you're just going to have to speak to him about it. I can't give you advice because I don't know what it is that Sherlock wants. He may not even know at this point. You need to ask him what he wants from your relationship. But you also have to be prepared if his answer is not what you wanted to hear. How would you feel if he did want a romantic relationship from you?"

John's cheeks redden even though no one could see. "I would….I don't want that. I'd feel sad because I would know that it would hurt him to turn him down. He's my friend…..I see him like a brother I never got to have."

"And I'm not suggesting that Sherlock does want that, it's just a possible answer" Ella said. "You need to ask him what he wants. Most likely he doesn't understand that he can request things in a relationship since Garret was so dominate in their relationship. That maybe why he didn't tell you he was lonely; he didn't understand that he could be assertive in your relationship. Also be prepared for the fact that Sherlock may want just friendship from you but may be more affectionate than you like. His relationship with Garret has crossed the lines of safe family relationships and sexual ones so he might be confused. You'll just have to ask him…..but be very gentle with him, John. If you have to turn him down, do it very softly."

John didn't feel even remotely ready to deal with this, but Ella was right. "Okay…..I'll….I'll try to talk to him about it"

…

The sound of the rain was beating against the roof when John got off the phone with Ella. Thunder shook the room and cracks of lightening lit up the windows; it was, in John's mind, the perfect weather for sleeping. He changed into his pyjamas and went to Sherlock's room to check on him before going back to his own room.

He expected Sherlock to still be asleep since he hadn't heard him scream or have a nightmare and he was alarmed when he came in and saw Sherlock awake. Sherlock was laying on his side, his hands pressed over his ears tightly, and his face a mask of fear. He noticed when John came in. "Make it stop…..make it stop" Sherlock said softly. A crack of thundered sounded loudly and Sherlock shut his eyes as clamped his ears tighter.

He was afraid of the thunder…..but that didn't make sense. John had seen Sherlock in many thunderstorms and he had never even shown a slightest trace of fear. So why was he now terrified? "The storm?" John asked. "You want the storm to end?"

Sherlock looked at John and nodded. "It hurts….." he said, almost in embarrassment.

John didn't know what it meant, but he was almost sure it had to do with something that had happened with Garret. "I can't make it stop" John said. "But I can…..stay here with you. Sleep in here tonight if you'd like"

Sherlock looked at John, his face complete fear. Almost unnoticeably, he nodded. John went to go sit down in the floor beside Sherlock's bed, noticing at the same time he did so, Sherlock scooted over to make room in bed. John got off the floor and slid into bed beside Sherlock. Immediately Sherlock scooted over and put his face against John's chest. A loud crack of thunder caused him to flinch and John put an arm around his back, his other hand over Sherlock's ear. He stayed like that until, eventually, much later, Sherlock went back to sleep. For the millionth time, his heart broke for his friend.

….

Help me! Help me, John!

John could hear a voice calling for him, Sherlock's voice. Panicked, pained, scared. John looked around but all that he could see was darkness.

Help, John! Help!

John fumbled around in the darkness, trying to crawl to the sound of Sherlock's voice but he didn't seem to get any closer. After a minuet of stumbling in the dark he heard Sherlock screaming. Blood curdling, heart breaking screaming…..it went on for what seemed like forever. John was desperate to get to him but he couldn't.

"John…..why? Why did you let me down? Why didn't you help me?"

John could hear Sherlock's mournful tone call out to him and he felt ever fiber in his soul breaking.

"Sherlock!" John called out, jerking awake. Light hit his eyes, breathing heavily and sweating. He realized after a few seconds that the awful sound of Sherlock screaming was just a dream. John lay in bed and stared at the bright window; only the scream wasn't a dream. He'd heard that scream so many times at night from Sherlock as he relived the horrors of his past. John rolled over in bed, remembering falling asleep next to Sherlock. The other side of the bed was empty; John could feel at that moment the uncomfortable wet spot he was lying on and noticed Sherlock's crumpled pyjamas at the foot of the bed. John wondered if Sherlock had had another nightmare or if this was just a normal part of his night now; either way it wasn't healthy.

John got out of bed and made his way to his own room to change his own slightly wet clothes; Sherlock was in the sitting room, crossed legged in his armchair, eyes closed. He didn't notice John as he walked past. John continued to his room and changed into clothes for the day. He went about his normal morning routine of breakfast without Sherlock so much as moving a finger as he did so; mind palace no doubt. As much as Sherlock's 'mind palace' business had often bothered him before, he actually welcomed it now. Now it made John feel like Sherlock was at least beginning to gain some control of his mind.

It wasn't until John cleaned up his breakfast and came into the sitting room, plopping into his own chair that Sherlock finally opened his eyes. He looked at John but didn't say anything; sensing no doubt that John was about to say something unpleasant, Sherlock began to get up from his chair and flee.

"Sherlock…..you know we have to talk." John said simply, gesturing Sherlock to sit down. To his immense surprise, Sherlock actually did sit back down in his chair though he didn't look happy about it at all.

"Why do you insist in talking about everything?" Sherlock asked. "Didn't we do enough of that yesterday?"

"I think you know that that's the exact reason we need to talk now" John said. There were so many things that that they needed to discuss, but John decided to go for the most pressing of the issues; what Sherlock meant when he said that he needed John. John needed to know what it was that Sherlock needed emotionally before he could come to trust John fully and believe that he cared about him.

"Yesterday you said something Sherlock" John said, looking down at his hands, awkward about this whole thing as no doubt Sherlock was as well. "You said that you wanted to be with me….what did you mean by that?" John allowed himself to look up and saw Sherlock's pale cheeks stain crimson at John's words.

"I didn't mean anything….should have never said it" Sherlock said stubbornly as he crossed his arms. His blush refused to leave his face.

John decided on a straight forward approach. "Listen Sherlock. I know that this is hard for you….It's not exactly easy for me either….but it hurt me when you said that I let you down. Because that's the last thing on earth I want to do….you're my friend and I want to be able to be there for you. But I need to know what it is that you want from me"

Sherlock wouldn't meet John's eyes. "John…..please don't make me talk about this" he pleaded. He was embarrassed, ashamed.

"Sherlock, you have nothing to lose….I'm not going to laugh at you or turn you away. Just please be honest with me…..I don't want you to ever feel as lonely as you did on that case" please, John pleaded silently, tell me what you want. I'm lost….I want to help you but I'm lost.

Sherlock looked down at his lap, fiddling with his dressing gown. "You don't want me John…..keep me as far away as you can if you know what's good for you" he said quietly.

"Well I apparently don't know what's good for me because I don't want to push you away" John said honestly. "Ever since the first day I've met you I knew it would be impossible to stay away from you. You're too damn intriguing"

John felt embarrassed saying it even though it was true. He was glad to see a small smile play at Sherlock's lips before disappearing again. "You're too smart to be this stupid" he said quietly.

"If wanting to be your friend makes me stupid then I guess I am" John said. A long pause drew on before John said, "What do you want, Sherlock?"

Sherlock stared down at his lap, refusing to look up at John. "I don't even know…..feelings, they're so…..unpredictable, unmanageable. People are so terribly dull and annoying that I hate being around them. But not you…..you make me feel things John. I'm happy when I'm with you….I feel better when I'm with you."

John hoped that his face didn't turn red, not that Sherlock could see it. He wasn't looking at him.

"I don't know much about relationships…"Sherlock admitted, "I'm sure you know that. I just know that you make things enjoyable….that when you're not around I'm…..different." He paused. "I don't like how I feel when I'm alone. When you're here, I feel calm and at peace….even when you're being annoying. When you're gone…..it's like a part of me isn't here that should be here."

John was sure that his face turned even redder; it sounded strange but a part of him felt the same way. They weren't a couple, but it was still like they were a set; a blogger and a detective. Couldn't have one without the other.

"Can I ask you something Sherlock?" John asked.

Sherlock finally looked up at him. "Yes….what?" he said gently.

John measured his words carefully. "You considered Garret a friend….someone you were close to. What made want to be around him? What made you want to go to him when you were lonely?"

Sherlock seemed to think about it carefully. "He cared about what I had to say even when I wasn't being brilliant. He cared about the little things that bothered me. I could talk to him and know he wouldn't laugh at me. I could tell him anything….he cared about me. I liked….." Sherlock cringed and seemed to make himself stop talking.

"Its okay Sherlock….please keep going" John said.

Sherlock kept his eyes closed, in obvious embarrassment. "I liked him hugging me, holding me….playing with my hair. It was nice to feel close to him… to feel warm when I feel so cold" He covered his face completely, hanging his head in shame.

"Sherlock…..that's okay. It's good. I'm glad you told me. Why are you so embarrassed?" John asked. He was glad that Sherlock seemed to gain no pleasure whatsoever in the sexual part of their relationship. He was willing to bet that he most likely didn't want that from John either.

Sherlock uncovered his face, though he didn't look at John. "Because I wanted that with you" he said, his voice showing complete mortification. He shot out of his seat and tried to bolt out of the room but he didn't get far. John stood up and cornered him, grabbing Sherlock by the arms so that he was facing him. "Let me go, John" Sherlock urged, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at him.

"No" John said. "Sherlock…..I'm not letting you leave thinking that you have to be embarrassed about that. There is nothing wrong with desiring to be close to someone. You never have to be embarrassed about telling me anything….you can tell me anything Sherlock. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what you tell me"

After a while Sherlock finally opened his eyes. John was hopeful when he saw a trace of understanding in Sherlock's eyes. "Really?" he asked.

"Really" John said with a smile. "That's what a friend does, stays with you no matter what. I won't leave you….I know you're scared about that but I care about you a lot and I won't do anything to hurt you. But you have to tell me what you want and don't want. That's what people do in relationships; they're honest about what they need. If you need me to do something, it's okay to tell me. Don't ever let it get that bad again"

Sherlock almost seemed to have tears in his eyes. He seemed to open his mouth to say something but closed it again.

John gave Sherlock's arms a squeeze. "And if you want be a little closer…..that's okay too, really" he said with a smile. Not wanting to send off the wrong message he said, "Friends can hug you know. I just never knew you wanted to; I always thought you didn't like touching people"

Sherlock smiled before leaning closer to give John a tentative hug. "Not people…..you" he said softly.

….

Sentiment, I always scoffed at it. I always said that it was a chemical defect, something that causes people to fail. I never believed that, it's just easier when you push all feelings and all possible hurt away. No one ever felt sentiment towards me; just Garret. No one ever understood why I felt so strongly about him; I didn't want them to. If I they did they'd have to understand the caring he gave me, the empty spot in my heart that he filled that no one else did. They'd have to understand I loved him, that he held me to this earth when nothing else held any appeal. They have to know that the things that he did that I didn't like were far outweighed by his making me feel like a normal person. By telling me I wasn't a freak, by making me feel loved. But it was all fake…..I can see that now. That night it all came clear. John wants me to talk about it…..but how can I? How can I relive that horrible night? How can I tell him that physical pain I suffered was but only a small fraction of what shattered me inside? What really caused me to go off the deep end was the completely shattering of trust that my whole childhood had been built on. That after all this time of not trusting him I had put myself out there and had been shown how dangerous it actually is.

John…he's trying so much to make me better. But he doesn't even have the faintest idea how damaged I am. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to bring him down with me. I see the tired and sadness in his eyes. I don't want to break him.

I love John, I do. Not in the way that I once loved Garret., but I love him all the same. It's not how most people think; I have no interest in getting in his pants. No….love for John is deeper, is better. He's warm and safe and comfortable, like the jumpers he always wears .I get so sad and lonely sometimes and I just want John to hold me with his strong arms. It's so hard being the strong one all the time. I never wanted to do the bad things I did with Garret with him. I like him around which for me is saying a lot. He can nag me so badly; his incessant need to tell me to eat or sleep gets so annoying. But deep down I know that it means that he cares what happens to me.

I don't want to tell John what happened and yet at sometimes I do. He could help me carry it…..but should I ask him? He's already doing so much.