Chapter Twenty-Five – Sharing in Loss

Esme and I walked slowly into Leah's room. She lay there looking paler than usual and tired. A hospital-issued light blue thermal blanket covered her, as she lay in her hospital smock under the covers. Her eyes were so bloodshot and face showed the ruddy edges of a person who had been crying for a long time.

Jacob was holding her hand and she asked him, "Can you leave us alone?"

"Sure."

He lowered, kissing her forehead, and then brushed aside a hair from her brow, squeezing her hand before leaving her side. He walked past Esme and me. His eyes were also red from crying and when he gazed at us he said, "Thanks for coming to see her."

"Of course," Esme said. "We'll try not to tire her out."

"Thanks." He gave Esme a grateful grin, and then looked to me with a sad expression, and then left the room.

I walked over to the bed. "Leah… I'm so sorry."

"I know." Her voice held so much weight behind it. "This is kind of foolish, huh?"

"I…" I turned back to Esme, "…don't understand."

"I mean, Jake and I having unprotected sex and then I have a miscarriage. Do you think I was being punished?"

"No," Esme walked up to the bed. "He's not like that. Why would he punish you for having pre-marital sex?"

"I don't know. It just came to my head. Maybe… I'm just trying to find a reason or someone to blame and get pissed at."

"That might be more than likely," I told her, snickering at her answer, holding her hand. "Leah. It's alright to be hurt, sad… angry."

She squeezed my hand, nodding, thinking over her loss. "I know. Thanks for being with me and trying to help. I know all the blood got to you."

I cleared my throat. It was worse than simply the blood getting to me and I felt guilty.

"Is it true?" she looked to Esme. "Is it true that after you lost your child you tried to kill yourself?"

Esme was blindsided slightly. She looked around the room and found a chair. "I hope you don't mind if I sit."

"No." She pointed to the back, "Rose, why don't you also have a seat?"

I went to the back of the room and pulled up the second chair. They were orange plastic chairs with metal legs.

Once we were both seated, Esme spoke, "I was very young and my child was my life. That's what I thought at the time. And so when I lost my life, I didn't want to live any other life. Of course, now I have so many children – or who I consider my children." She brushed at my shoulder with a smile. "I know I certainly love them as if they were mine. But, at the time I wasn't thinking straight when I tried to commit suicide. Who is, when trying such a thing? Something happens when you lose a child. It makes the world suddenly turn black and hollow, like you've stepped into a black hole basically and just keep falling. You're not sure if you'll ever see light again. But, I assure you, Leah, you will see the light again. It won't always feel this way. I don't want to negate your feelings by telling you, it will all get better over time, or you'll get over it. That's so trite and overused. I do want to tell you that you will change over time. It will be a memory – another memory that will help you cope while you walk through life."

"You have a really long life to cope with this. Doesn't that make it worse?" Leah asked.

I watched Esme, feeling sad that she was on the spot like this, having to recall her own memories for the sake of Leah. But I also saw something in Esme's eyes. It's a feeling you get when you mature and realize that what you've lived through is an experience you can share and help another – younger than you – live through. I knew that Esme didn't mind sharing for that reason. She was maternal more than anything else, and that is what a mother does – they teach and encourage.

"Actually," Esme began, "it made it more bearable. I've had so long to consider the implications and reasoning. I've lived long enough to see the results of something horrible become something wonderful in the grand scheme of things. That is the way most horrible things go in life. Like with Rosalie – one loss and another gain with Emmett."

She turned to smile at me. She knew. She knew me so well.

I agreed with her, "She's right. I sometimes need reminding, but Esme is right."

When Esme shared it actually helped me. I hadn't really heard her speak of her experience like this before. Maybe I wallowed in my own sorrow too long to listen to her wisdom. Leah, however, asked the good questions.

Leah said, "Thanks Esme… Rose. I knew you two would understand. My mom… she just keeps crying. She's too close to me – I think."

"She only hurts because you are her life," Esme told her. "Allow her to mourn with you."

"I will." She smiled slightly. "I should probably get some sleep. I'm pretty tired – worn out." She brushed her hair behind her ears, leaning back into the pillow. "Hey Rose."

"Yes?"

"Can you ask Alice to set up a nice funeral for my babies? I think she'll do a fantastic job."

She choked up, a tear sliding down the corner of her eye, and then another tear following.

I stood up and leaned over her, brushing aside her hair, as tears poured out of her. "Yes… I'll do that."

"Thanks." She turned to Esme. "Thank you for sharing with me. You're always welcome to come by and talk."

"Then I'll try not to be a stranger."

"Thanks."

She continued to cry and I stood there holding her hand. She said, "You're so cold, could you run your hand along my head again? It feels really hot. You actually help me not feel like I'm burning up."

I obliged, placing my hand along her forehead, rubbing across her hair, like a mother would their child to help them go to sleep. She was right – she was really hot. I looked back at Esme, wondering if we should be concerned at her changing into a wolf. Esme sensed my question by looking at me.

"I'll go get a cold wash cloth to place on her head," Esme said, leaving for the bathroom.

Slowly Leah's eyes closed as I rubbed her head. She was falling asleep.

Esme brought out the wash cloth and I whispered to her, "We should go."

I lifted my hand from her head and she was sound asleep. I could smell her and sense her temperature. It was all fairly normal, everything slightly off since she had to be given new blood.

Esme waved to me and I followed her out of the room. Once outside the door she whispered, "Let's tell Carlisle to make sure her vitals are alright, and make sure she's watched."

I nodded.

"Wait here, just in case. I'll be right back."

I waited, watching Leah sleep. I stepped just inside the room, listening to her breathe.

Jacob came up behind me. "Hey."

"She's asleep," I whispered, holding my finger to my lips.

"Good," he whispered back, "She was fighting falling asleep. Did you bore her?"

"Hah," I whispered again.

"I'm kidding," he watched her as he spoke in a hushed tone. "Rose – I wanted to really tell you, since you're here – thank you. Thank you for being such a good friend to Leah and helping her out, getting her to Sue's."

I turned to watch him as he spoke.

"I mean," He said, "your friendship has helped her more than anything, ever since the anniversary of her dad's death. She really likes going to the greenhouse. It's like it helps her open up. Leah isn't much with opening up – getting pissed off – but not really opening up."

That made me want to laugh. "I'm glad I could be there for her. She's helped me too – more than she'll ever know, I think."

"…Just thought I'd tell you."

"Thank you… for telling me."

I could see this was difficult for the wolf boy. It made me appreciate him. I knew now how much he must love Leah.

A/N Short chapter. I hope you still liked it. Thank you for reading.