They had been arguing back and forth for hours. Merrill had not been allowed to speak in her own defense about any claim that someone might make about her own ambitions, actions and past history. She'd been called everything from a traitor to her people to a ruthless power-hungry witch, a demon's thrall, a fool, and other things. It was easy to tell who was firmly on the side of Velerian Inisfelin, they were the loudest of those who wished to place her under the "guardianship" of a powerful ranking member of one of the other Clans, her Gift used only at the will and under the direction of whomever they placed her with. She was very much surprised to hear such ideas from the lips of her own people, for they sounded to her like they more rightly belonged on the lips of the Shem.
Fortunately the naysayers were not the only voices in the convocation. Just as strongly there were those who felt that her intentions had been correct; the primary duty of a Keeper was to both preserve the knowledge of Dalish history and culture and to add to that knowledge by any means neccessary. Which duty was more important, preserving the old or acquiring more was left up to the individual to decide usually, and there were those who felt that Merrill's desire to take on the burden of unpleasant magic in the hopes of gaining an immense prize for her people was an admirable one. If it had worked, they argued, Merrill would have been celebrated as a hero. As it stood, she was still a powerful asset to the Dalish, and she had restored to them an ancient Healing spring on the grounds of one of their ancestral shrines. These were powerful marks in her favor.
They hadn't even decided yet whether her rank as First of Sabrae Clan would be stripped from her or upheld. The ones who were cautiously in favor of Merrill keeping her rank as First felt that she should be reassigned to another Clan, and the ones who were against her wanted her bonded in marriage to one of the bloodlines known to produce mages (and preferably giving the People more children with strong mage talent). They didn't come right out and say it, but Merrill, exposed to both Anders and Fenris, knew exactly what she was hearing... they wanted to turn her into a breeder.
:I won't do it,: Merrill resolved. :I love my people, but I won't let them sell me off to spit out babies for them like I'm some creature with no feelings who does what she's told. If they try to make me, I'll run away. I have enough experience in the Shemlen cities, I can fit in an alienage somewhere.:
She was soulbonded to another anyway, she couldn't take any other man as her mate, the goddess would surely strike her down if she tried. Merrill had been more than a little tempted to let that particular cat out of the bag when the debate had gotten heated, only the thought of Fenris being angry with her for trapping him in an unwanted union with her out of a cowardly desire to save her own skin had been enough to stop her. He was scary enough when he was only irritated with her, she couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of his rage.
"So the options you wish to put to my First are marry a perfect stranger for the sake of more mages, place her under the control of someone who will use her talent to their own ends, or... what?" Marethari demanded at last when all the arguments had run in circles long enough. "Put her in a tower under guard like the Shemlen do their mages? We are Dalish, we do not submit... not the least of us and not the greatest of us. I will not tolerate my First being treated like chattel. We are not slaves, to be bought and sold by the will of the Convocation."
"She cannot be allowed to lead, Marethari," one of the Speakers, an older elf, said. "Her judgement is poor, and all of us feel that she has fallen too much under the influence of the elves in the city, she may have forgotten what it means to be Dalish."
"With the way the rest of you have been speaking of her, it sounds to me as though you are the ones who have forgotten what it means to be Dalish," Marethari replied tightly. "A Keeper uses her Gift to serve her people. Merrill tried to do so, and even though her choice to make a pact for knowledge and use forbidden magic was the wrong choice, her reasons for doing so are clearly the duties of a Dalish Keeper. I believe that if she is left under my guidance for a time she will-"
"It was leaving her under your guidance that resulted in her bad decisions in the first place," Hahren Astriel said. "If anything, your judgement is a poor as hers. What manner of teacher allows her pupil to make such obviously poor choices and does not check their willful foolishness."
"Part of being a teacher is letting your student make her own choices and mistakes."
"Mistakes don't generally result in demons."
"In this case," hahren Vorterien said. "Keeper Marethari's choice to allow her student, Merrill, free rein, resulted in the return of the aku'zhan ritual to the Lore of the Dalish, the banishment of a great evil from the ancestral graves of our ancestors, and a Healing spring. Not bad for a mistake I would say. If it is such, then perhaps our people could use more mistakes."
Hahren Vortien's point, however correct, caused a hail of protest to erupt from all sides. Merrill hadn't noticed it before, but as she watched and listened to the ensuing shouting match something became clear to her. Every Speaker there, aside of a very few, all argued to remove Merrill from Marethari's care. Some wanted her placed under a watchful guard who would make sure that she didn't backslide into bloodmagery (to which Merrill rather thought they should just call the Templars and be done with it) others wanted her married off to the high-ranked candidate (usually a Clan's First, Second or Third) of their choice. There was not one who felt that she should be allowed to continue to serve her people in whatever capacity she felt wisest. They each argued that a Gift as strong as hers should not be wasted, that it must be carefully controlled to benefit their people.
:But... but they don't mean benefit the People as a whole,: Merrill realized. :Each of these Speakers here wants to put me where their particular Clan can benefit the most from me.:
The realization was a heartbreaking one for Merrill to come to. In her heart and mind she had always seen her people, with their outcast status, their pride in independence, their mission to preserve her peoples ancient culture and customs... she'd always seen them as being somehow above the petty power- mongerings, and status games that every other culture in Thedas engaged in. Fenris went on at length about the sorts of manipulations and schemes, the petty games of one-upmanship, the plots and backstabbings, the ruthless grasp for more power that his former master and others of his sort engaged in. It broke Merrill's heart to think that, perhaps if her people were united, with territory of their own and a cohesive identity like they'd once had long ago, that it was entirely possible that they would be just as power-hungry and deviously grasping as any of the Shem or even, Creators Forbid, the Tevinter Magisters! Merrill felt something within her shift and solidify.
Merrill was Dalish in her heart and soul, and nothing would ever change that. These fellows could go on and on about what should be done with her and where her talent could best be put to use for the benefit of the People, but only Merrill could decide what her fate would be.
:And since this is so, there's no point in letting them argue on about it,: she decided.
Merrill rose to her feet, not asking permission to do so from the convocation. She came under the impression now, that the stricture that she was to sit there silently and speak when she was spoken to was one way to cow her and get her to accept the place they put her in, even in her own mind.
"Honorable members of the convocation," Merrill said letting her voice seem soft, yet carry to all in the meeting and making sure to keep her face the same polite, slightly smiling and serene mask that her Keeper had mastered.
"I am humbled that you would travel all this way out of concern for me and my place among the People. I can assure you with all sincerity that my mission has been the same that it has ever been, to return to the elvhen anything that I can of our lost culture, mysteries and ancient ways and to aid our people to the very best of my abilities."
"You dare speak out of turn!" one of the hahren from Rathferin, one of the most staid and traditional of the Clans exclaimed, clearly angry at Merrill's deliberate breech in protocol. Merrill didn't even glance in his direction, clearly ignoring him.
"I can also assure you," she continued. "That I have learned an important lesson about the nature of Spirits, the use of blood magic, and how far one should be willing to go for the sake of their mission. Those lessons being; that sometimes things are not always what they seem and this counts for both the pleasant and the unpleasant aspects of the denizens of the Beyond, and that blood magic is more likely to land the wielder in a whole lot more trouble than they can easily get out of, Old Code or no, and... and that the ends do not always justify the means after all. I can understand that the idea of allowing a mage with my potential and the knowledge of how blood magic works to wander around freely and possibly land herself in another mess seems ill advised. Venerable elders all, you are aware that the young are prone to rash action before thoughtful meditation and that even those of the best intentions can be easily led astray by them, as has happened here. It is perfectly understandable that you would feel that I would benefit from a more strict guidance."
At her placating words and humbled, conciliatory tone, the hahren who had come to discuss her fate in the convocation looked quite pleased with themselves and with her praise. They were about to become quickly less pleased.
"However," Merrill said. "As much as I respect your experience and wisdom, I do not acknowledge that you may sit in judgement of me. I am aware of the depth of my folly, and I am deeply grateful that the ones I care about were spared its consequences. I freely admit that I've made several badly judged decisions where the mirror was concerned, and compounded that bad judgement by piling stubbornness on top of it. The fact that I've made mistakes however, does not mean that I am incapable of learning from them. I retain my right to decide my fate and do not surrender to this council the the right to move me about as they choose."
Her announcement was met with gasps and cries of shock and disapproval. Merrill weathered them with calm serenity. They might think they had the right to order her about, and Dalish tradition certainly upheld their belief, but if there was one thing that Merrill now knew due to her time in the alienage, it was that the Dalish way was not the only way in the world. Merrill thought it was the best way, and she hadn't seen anything that had proven her wrong, but she was disinclined to be bartered and traded like some sort of Tevinter slave.
"You all may decide and decree as you like, good hahren, but I am not obligated to obey."
With that Merrill sat down calmly next to her Keeper, no evidence of how nervous she felt in her demeanor. The hue and cry went up around them and even Keeper Marethari was staring at Merrill like she'd never seen her before.