Chapter 23
Perception (N.) a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.
"I like your room," I say. Then my eyes move to an object leaning against his desk. I move towards it with wide eyes. "Foam sword?" I grab the sword and hop onto his bed, admiring it.
"Yeah, it's...nothing. It's weird."
"It's cool. I've always wanted one." I look up at him with a huge grin on my face. "One of my Mom's exes was obsessed with Star Wars and all of those knight movies. I'd stay up at night and watch them wishing I had a sword or light saber, to, you know, protect myself." I shrug, and then look up to see a very peculiar look on Edward's face.
"What?"
He shakes his head and walks over to me with his hands behind his back, his eyebrows drawn low on his face and his head down. "Nothing, I just-" He scratches his chin before continuing. "What did you need protection from?"
"From the boyfriends, or whatever they were considered."
I look over at his still form and pensive expression. He's quiet for a long time and then out of nowhere he says.
"Did they ever..." He trails off, angling his body toward me, but keeping his head down. "Touch you... hurt you."
I suck in a breath, frightened by how direct his question is. "Yea, most of them."
I see his hand clench into a fist and then unclench. "Do they still come? Are they still-"
"No." I breathe out in a barely audible whisper, but that seems to calm him. He runs a hand through his hair again and takes a breath.
"I can't bear the thought of someone touching you, or hurting you."
I pause at his words trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words.
"You hurt me," I say and watch as he slowly lifts his head, his eyes quickly finding mine. "You hurt me today."
Understanding crosses his features, and he stands, backing away, but keeping his eyes on me.
"Princess, you hurt me every day!" He says, and I startle, looking away from him. "You don't believe me?"
"I do. That doesn't make it right, though."
He runs a hand through his hair and tugs. "What do you want from me? Hmm? Tell me."
I cross my arms over my chest and try not to get angry at his change of mood, and his standoffish behavior.
"I want to know why you didn't tell me about her?" I ask, and then I receive a reaction from him like none I've ever seen before. He laughs, and it's in mock humor.
"Give me a break, Bella-" He turns to walk away, but I quickly stand and grab his arm, pulling him to face me.
"No, tell me. I want to know."
He folds his arms across his chest and shrugs his shoulders. "You want to know what exactly?"
"Why you didn't tell me?"
"Does it matter?"
I say nothing for a long second and just stare at him feeling a lump form in my chest as my next words grip at my heart.
"Do you like her?"
He stares at me, not speaking; completely expressionless. My heart beats frantically in my chest as I wait for his response. I feel sick to my stomach thinking I'm too late, and he's moving on.
"Do you like the guys you kiss? The guys you ask to have sex with? Do you like the guys you dance with at parties? Do you like the guys that ask you to show your body to them for money? Do you like them, or do you like the attention? Which is it? Because just like you would like an answer to your question, I'd like answers to mine."
"You knew I did web shows. You knew-."
"Why have some of the shows turned pornographic?"
"Because we make good money doing it!" I defend Victoria's plan even though I have been ignoring her for three weeks. I'm not so sure her new idea is one that I can live with, but the money may be enough to make me cave.
He falters back a step taken completely off balance and glares at me. "You like being exploited in that way?"
I hug my arms close to my body all of a sudden feeling very cold almost as if my darkness is surrounding us both. Edward is withdrawing; taking his warmth and his light, and finally leaving me in the forest alone.
"No, I don't, Edward, but I need the money."
He sighs, and then runs both hands down his face, looking at the ceiling as he takes a breath.
"It's about the money for you." He says.
"At first, it was just for fun, but then-"
"I know, I know. I heard it all from Alice. The bigger the envelopes, the bigger the exploitation."
"I think you have it backward."
"It doesn't matter!" He raises his voice, and I jump. He holds a hand out towards me in silent apology. "It doesn't matter. I don't like seeing you on screen doing things-"
"You can't make a call like that for me. I make my own decisions."
"That is exactly why I went on that date." He says which altogether breaks my heart and crushes my spirit. I feel tears prick the back of my eyes, and I feel a sob bubbling to the surface. "You're unwilling to change." He says, ripping small pieces out of my heart.
I nod my head, breathing hard and heavy as I hold back my tears. "I thought you really believed in what you said. I thought you really were in love with the art because it was unchanging. I see now that it's your perception that changes." I poke his chest, not roughly but enough to get his attention. "The way in which you see the art changes, and when it does, so does your love."