Chapter Twenty Four - Longing

Below my overwhelming sadness, I was furious.

I was disappointed on how they reacted so… so… carelessly to their Queen's death. Her accomplishments were innovative. They brought Ilea back into the world in times of crisis, and this is how they repay her? What authority did they have to act like this?

How dare they?

I wanted to cry, scream, and die all at the same time. Life was not fair - I had learned that by now. But this… this was just plain cruel.

After a minute to compose myself, I rushed out of the Royal Chambers, wiping my tears quickly from my eyes. I couldn't bear standing in that hellhole for another minute, watching those monsters do away with Queen Amberly's fond memories like that. I felt like a part of me had been torn out of me, and shoved back down my throat as a way of saying, "Deal with the truth. It sucks doesn't it?"

I stopped in my tracks as I reached the hallway. I looked over my shoulder and peered into the window that looked over the palace gates and into the city. Not a stir. The world had seemed to have stopped. I forced myself to pick up my feet and continue down the dark hallway. Where could I find a trace of home in this place? I lifted my hand and clenched my chest. Queen Amberly was my remedy for all my problems. She was the one who listened to me, who understood my loneliness, and saw that I had a potential. She did not cast me aside, but rather, she took me in with warm, open arms. Like a mother.

I looked back down the dark hallway back at the staircase. Could she really leave me like this? Can she turn my back on all she's done for me and let my confidence rot away?

I couldn't face myself. If I had only spared a few minutes for her - would she not have gone like this?

My brain was on overdrive, thinking about how maybe, if I had just been there when I planned to earlier, she would've been okay. Of course I wanted to be there when Veronikka left, but I could've saved her. I should've saved her.

But I didn't. And that was why I was the monster.

I didn't learn from Raychell. I didn't learn from May. And now, I'd lost Queen Amberly.

My head spun around these thoughts, poisoning my reason with each passing minute. I tormented myself and kept on walking down the hallway. With each step I took, the harder it became to breathe, and to even think. Tears rolled down my cheek - I didn't even bother to wipe them away. I let myself cry, wallowing in self pity, guilt, and sadness. I hoped that whoever - whatever - was watching me would see how much I was suffering. What else could I do besides cry?

I am weak.

America's Journal Entry:

Dear Carolina,

I've missed being at home. The palace has so many memories I want to forget, but I can't seem to let go. I miss Adelynne - but if she was here, it'll make me hurt even more (though, I don't see how that's possible, looking into my current state… ) I know she's safe, healthy, and loved. I can't say the same for myself. I feel as if my energy is being drained out of me slowly, and I don't even know why I'm still here. My only source of "home" has been taken away from me. It's been a month. The Queen has passed…. I still find it outrageous on how little the doctors thought of her death. Call it professional, but I deem it worthy of inhumane.

It's been awhile since I've written… My handwriting proves so clearly.

Much Love,

America Singer

I closed my journal and tucked it away into my drawer. It was silly that my hand was already cramping from the recent writing session. My emotions had subsided, and evolved into a dead sort of feeling. Depression, the doctor called it. But I called it normal.

Just when I had felt as if I might just die of loneliness, my friends aren't here. I didn't blame them, of course, but I do need them. And they're not here for me. That, I thought, is what makes the pain most unbearable. I have to bear it all on my own.

Although I was never too close with Gerad, we were very alike as children, and since my friends are busy, I thought I would be able to see him. He always managed to see the good in everything, and although I couldn't see any way what has happened could be good, I knew being with family will make me feel better. However, Gerad's been on duty for who knows how long, so I had barely seen him. I saw him once on patrol, but of course he cannot talk to me as he does his job. I couldn't help but also think that he's maybe avoiding me, because the last major conversation we had involved me learning about the Raiders, so there was tension between our small disagreement.

Even Chelsey hadn't shown face in the palace for a while - or at least, I hadn't seen her very much. I knew she was busy as Head Maid, and - at least temporarily - she had been in charge of what will happen concerning Queen Amberly (talking to doctors for the cause of death, a mandatory investigation whenever a royal dies, and of course her funeral). She seemed too busy to even take time to mourn, but I knew what Chelsey was doing. Whenever she hurt, she closed herself off and worked hard so that she didn't have time to be sad.

Unfortunately, I did not have the same privilege. Mallory seemed to think of me as fragile and on edge, so she had been a complete saint with taking care of Chase, but that just made me feel useless. Just as when Kriss had died, there was a constant damper on the mood everywhere in the Palace. I felt as if things before - at least in the Palace, not in my personal life - had been looking up, but now everyone seems heartbroken. Queen Amberly had been an iconic representative of Illea. Now that she was dead, I felt as if the country was lost, especially now that Maxon is in New Asia.

Valleree had dropped off the face of the earth, hopping one place to another, seeing the world, helping with charity work. She knew about Queen Amberly, but couldn't cancel her trip. She told me she felt horrible, and would be back as soon as possible, but I felt sick in anticipation of her coming. Valleree always managed to cheer me up, and I was craving some kind - any kind - of happiness. But would Valleree, despite her ability to make anyone laugh, be able to make anything better after what had happened?

There had been no word of Maxon -at least, I hadn't heard anything. Of course, considering I was only the prince's nanny, I guess it's not important for me to know things. I knew I would be furious if he did not return for the funeral, which was later that week. Even if he was on rocky grounds with New Asia, it was his mother's funeral. (And I guess I'm also want him here with me, but currently, I was too sad about Queen Amberly to focus on Maxon - at least that's what I told myself.)

Though, Keahnna had been doing well in Ilea. Recently she had been taken in for questioning since she was the only witness to the Queen's death. Luckily, Keahnna had managed to stay strong. She was on the cover of newspapers and constantly on television. I heard she recently took an acting class and booked a commercial, so she had been surprisingly good so far with composing herself. I would be traumatised if I had gone through what she did. I couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit bitter towards her, because even though I knew she couldn't have done anything, she was there when the Queen died. Could she have done anything? Still, I pushed away any bitter thoughts and just try to stay strong and help her stay strong, especially since we only had each other temporarily.

On my way to Chase's room the next day, I dawdled. What was the point of rushing to see Chase? Even if he was completely adorable and he always made smile, I felt as if he would make me feel worse. He would've made me think of his father and grandmother.

I'd swept over the palace so many times with a broom, that I decided I might as well sweep some more. I quickly grabbed a broomstick from a side closet and shuffled down the hallway, sweeping left and right.

Sweep.

I wondered what it's like, traveling the world.

Sweep.

I wished I was able to smile in front of cameras and get paid millions.

Sweep.

I wished I was with Maxon.

Sighing, I lifted my broom and headed downstairs. The marble floor was sparkling, the chandeliers shining brightly in all their glory. I took myself down into the inner rooms of the palace, sweeping as I moved along to one room and the next. The empty guest rooms are the easiest parts of the palace to clean. Hardly anyone ever goes in it, except when there are important guests visiting, but on those occasions "special event" maids clean the guest rooms. Still, I am hesitant to get to Mallory and Chase, so I make sure to sweep every corner of the rooms - at least in one of the Palace's many hallways.

The main floor of the palace is the grandest, most spectacular thing I'd seen in my life. The sparkling marble floor gleams as it bounces off the light radiating from the extravagant chandeliers. There are always fresh, vibrant flowers in bloom, tucked neatly into elegant vases. Paintings reflect each other nicely, flowing throughout the Palace. The arched windows are decorated with regal purple curtains, with heavy golden tassels hanging near the bottom. Ornate gold decorations and crown moldings outline the walls of the palace. How glorified was this palace back then?

A pang of depression stroke my conscience when I realized that there are starving children on the streets, labeled as Eights and Sevens. Born into a world they will never escape from. And I stood there. Escaping what should be my reality by doing what many would kill to do.

I humbled myself, lowered my head, and continued to sweep the empty palace.

But with a start, I glanced up. An empty palace.

I frowned. That wasn't right. The main floor would never be empty, and most certainly not on a day like this, where people dawdle at their jobs because of the stuffy, depressed mood.

I heard the faint sound of chatter from outside, so I went towards the window, with my broom still in hand, and look out.

Hundreds of people were lined up on the Palace stairs, streets, and sidewalks. A long line of cars pulled in from around the corner of Main Street, and stops in front of the Palace. Was a princess visiting? Or was someone returning?

Maxon.

By the time I sprinted down to the front entrance (with renewed enthusiasm, obviously), I was almost crying. If he's here, then everything - at the moment - will seem fixed. Even if everything has fallen apart, he will make it better. And I will show that I've proven myself, and everything, or at least almost everything will be fine.

But when I got to the front gate, people are already trying to get back into the Palace. The crowds are diminishing, and there is no cheering. My heart sunk. Now I knew that he is not here. Of course, I shouldn't have expected he would be - despite me being a maid, the king coming back would make such big news even the rats in the sewer would know about it.

"How long is he going to be gone?" I heard one maid mutter to her friend. People looked depressed and let down, and I winced. Whoever had returned had not gotten a very warm welcome.

I turned around, letting myself be pushed along back inside with the crowds. I almost burst into tears right then and there from the shattering of my false hope. Just a moment ago, I had been excited and happy. Now it just seemed worse than before.

"America!" I heard my name called out almost as a sob. I turned back suddenly. Valleree.

She was pushing through the crowds, and even though she was not crying (Valleree never cries), I could see the distress on her face. I felt both immensely happy and devastated at the same time. I looked at her face and read her expression. I felt as if I was looking into a mirror of my own emotions.

Valleree ran up to me, shoving those rude passersby aside as they brushed against me. Her face was pale, her eyes unfocused, and her usual happy demeanor was completely gone. I wanted to stop right then and there because - even though Valleree was a wonderfully passionate and relatable person, the fact that she couldn't find some way to lighten the mood was honestly shocking.

Even though Valleree wasn't the visitor everyone wanted to see, a couple people tried to stop her to say hi, but Valleree politely declined. When she reached me, neither of us spoke.

I opened my mouth and only two words manage to be heard. "Queen Amberly…"

"... is gone." Valleree whispered, completing my sentence. Those few words seemed to hold so much meaning. I just nodded, clutching her hands in mine.

There were no more words we could say, and none that needed to be spoken. Finally, she pulled me into a hug, and we clutched each other helplessly.

At least I knew that when my world is crashing down, my friends will always be there with me.

I spent the night in Valleree's room, making sure Mallory is good with Chase before rushing to her bedroom. You would think, after being so far apart for so long, that we would be happy to see each other. Instead, we can hardly even manage to say anything, much less be happy. We buried ourselves into her large mountain of pillows and blankets on her bed, ordered pizza, and played music. We stayed there for who knows how long, crying, eating, and eventually I fall asleep.

Nowadays reality feels like a nightmare.

So the only escape I have are my dreams.

The next morning, I woke up in a new place, and for a moment I panicked. Then I remembered where I was, and I tried to rest again - after all, who knows when I would get another moment of peace?

"Sorry, honey," Valleree's voice sounded just how I feel - tired, sad, and hurt. She gently pushed me to wake up. "But we need to get ready."

I turned over, my voice feeling hoarse when I talked. "Why?" I didn't feel like talking, but when I don't then I feel like crying. I didn't know what was going on with me.

"Well we have to get you back in the swing of things for Maxon, right?"

I sat up so fast that my vision blurred and turned white. "Maxon?" I whispered, my eyes wide as I looked to my friend.

Her eyes bugged out too as she pushed back her tangled hair from her face. "He's coming tomorrow!" She cried out. "Did Chelsey really forget to tell you? You didn't really think he was missing his mother's funeral, did you?"

I made a strangled noise, and I felt guilty for feeling happy. "I just… I didn't know." I'm so tired that my voice comes out soft like a whisper.

Maxon was coming back.

He was coming back.

Terror suddenly seized me, and I worry that the pizza I ate last night will make an unexpected and unwanted return. "Valleree…" I asked numbly. "What am I going to do?"

Valleree smiled tightly - which, I knew, was honestly the best she could do that moment. "You welcome him. You be happy. And," she squeezed my hand, "you eventually learn to cope." She took a deep breath. "Maxon, as you know, will be heartbroken. The best thing you can do right now is be there for him." Valleree gave me a thin-lipped smile, her eyes glassy.

I nodded slowly, still worried. What if he didn't want me to be there for him? Although I had been anxiously waiting and praying for him to come back, now that I knew he was, I just felt nervous. Like I could wreck everything all over again. How was I supposed to help him and be there for him when I needed him to be there for me?

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

I'm actually really getting excited for the end of the story because my co-writer and I have it almost entirely planned out and practically all of it written already (except for a really awesome finale, but no spoilers!). I hope you're enjoying, and I do apologize that it is getting rather boring without Maxon drama. Then again, it causes suspense for the end, so... Please REVIEW (it reminds me to update)!