A/N:
Holy Toledo, guys. You went nuts over what Edward said. I loved seeing how passionate you guys were about it, because yeah, what he said was douchey. And I'm so sorry many of you cried. You all are troopers, though, and I thank you for putting up with this story as it wraps up. I had a poll on twitter asking my followers if they wanted to split this chapter in half, and most said no, so for those that are annoyed with the length, truly sorry. Should've voted. ;-)
Beta is Lindz26, who is awesome. Thanks to my fictwin Belindella for her kickass job helping me fine tune this chapter. She notices when I by accident write "shit" instead of "shirt" ahahaha. I was almost tempted to leave it just to provide you guys with some comedy relief this chapter. My typos = hilarious in itself.
WARNING: Adult situations ahead. If you are under 18, then please go to your local record store and buy Justin Bieber's most recent CD. Then play "Baby" on repeat. Afterwards, purge your soul of your sins for listening to that voodoo devil music! Heathen! Thank you.
Previously…
Edward shows up in Forks. The resulting conversation leaves her heartbroken.
~*PULSE*~
*EDWARD*
It was all a lie. Everything I said. A lie…just like us. We were never real. We were simply molded from her clay that she'd carefully constructed. I'd stood there, stared her straight in the eyes, lied, and she didn't even know. Her tears of anger and rejection just about killed me, but I did it for one reason, and one reason alone. I told her that I'd never fall in love with her, but really, she'd never fall in love with me, and I knew it. She thought of me as a joke, someone who could be easily used and made a mockery of because of a past grievance. Bella Swan could never love someone like me, not after what I did to her. And to be perfectly honest, I was hurt, in pain, and destroyed because of what she'd done. The fact that she was wearing the necklace I'd bought her, the necklace that I envisioned myself giving her for weeks, made everything worse. The only way to make me feel better in the slightest was to turn the tables, to tell her that I'd used her, too, and even to insult her.
It didn't work.
I felt miserable and incomplete. When she slapped me, I welcomed it. I deserved it for all I said and did to her to make her this way, someone cold and heartless. Yet, even as I tried my best to tear her down, I still felt it—that inexplicable throbbing in my chest that wanted to burst out. I was head over heels for her. Why did it have to be this way? Why did I have to fall for someone I could never have—who was my enemy, who got her rocks off from seeing me miserable, who was completely off limits.
Yes, Bella—or should I say Isabella—was off limits. She'd been since high school. I'd never really known or cared who she was all through school until our senior year. She'd filled out considerably, growing curvier, which had a lot of guys staring at her. But she was innocent, she was shy—she was exactly my type.
While I had been with Emily, I began to notice Bella more and more, observing her sweet disposition. She was like a rosebud just on the cusp of blooming. I loved watching her as she'd draw on her jeans or collect her books from her locker. She was reserved and an introvert, for sure. It was appealing to me at the time. And the fact that she was so clueless to me secretly watching her intrigued me even more.
I wanted her.
Of course, I wanted the chase more than anything. I knew Bella would be hesitant and shy if I approached her, and that thrilled me beyond belief. I craved to have her under me. Even though I was still with Emily, I knew that I would try to target Bella soon. I'd never planned ahead before, only focusing on the person I was with until I was done with them, so it was new, but I had to have her. I was young and much more sexually driven than I was now. In my adulthood, I'd learned that women wanted to feel a connection to someone before sleeping with them. In high school, I hadn't worried about that. I'd simply utilized my charm by paying a bit of attention to them and then they were mine. I figured Bella would be no different when I decided to work on her.
Then everything with Emily blew up in a shit storm and my plans were shot to hell. When I'd become careless with my drug usage and got busted for it, I'd spent an evening in jail before my parents bailed me out, but that night changed my course in more ways than one.
X-X-X-X
Flashback – Senior Year
This was fucking bullshit. I didn't deserve to sit in this goddamn jail cell with some fat ass dude with B.O that kept fucking looking at me, and by me, I meant my crotch. I mean, it was just fucking coke. Who didn't snort that shit these days? But even with that, I knew I was in some serious shit. When I'd gotten my phone call and dialed my parents' number, they were sure as fuck angry at me, grounding me on the spot. I'd managed to keep my drug usage under wraps from them for a while, so if they didn't know before, they would definitely know now.
"Edward Cullen," one of the guards called outside the jail cell. I lifted my head from my hands as I sat on the fucking dirty bench that was in here. I was in a groggy daze, left over from the coke I'd snorted at the party. "Wake up. Your parents are here." I wasn't fucking sleeping, you shithead. God…cops were dumb as hell.
My father and mother appeared in front of the jail cell, their faces marred with anger and disappointment. I only managed to look at them for two seconds before I dropped my eyes in guilt. Fuck. I hated that look, almost shoving it in my face that I was a screw up. I already fucking knew this. They didn't need to look at me like that.
I stood from the bench, ignoring the fat fucker next to me as he now stared at my ass. My mother had her arms crossed and my father had an eyebrow arched as his scathing look incinerated me.
"Honestly, Edward," Dad started, "this is what you've been doing with your time? Doing drugs at parties?" I didn't know how to reply to that because it was true, so I didn't.
"I am beyond disappointed with you," my mom admitted. "I don't even know who I raised. I thought—" She stopped suddenly and brought her hand to her eyes, shrouding them. She was crying. My father rubbed my mother's back soothingly, and after a moment, she dropped her hand, revealing her slightly red eyes. "I thought we brought you up better than this."
The guard, who had been watching us, suddenly stepped in and opened the jail cell door, letting me know that I could step out. My parents turned and walked on ahead of me as I began to follow behind them, not speaking at all. I was beginning to feel the pain that I'd caused my parents and I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to. All I wanted to do was crawl into a dark corner and hide from everyone.
My mom abruptly stopped walking down the short hallway towards the main office and spun around to face me. "How could you be so reckless, Edward? I can't even fathom that my own son could get involved in such behavior. Were you using that poison in our home?" I shifted on my feet a bit, because I had. In my room, actually. Daily. "Never mind, I don't want to know. You are lucky you got off scot-free, Edward. Unbelievable…" She turned back around and began walking again, much angrier than before.
We made our way into the office part of the station. I could see Chief Swan with his legs perched up on a desk as he looked through a folder. I swallowed thickly as we neared him. He'd been the one to bust the party along with some of his officers. The memory of him finding me mid-snort was enough to make me wish I was back in the cell with that fat dude.
"Chief, thank you for all you've done," my father said, garnering Chief Swan's attention.
Chief Swan set the folder down slowly and looked up at my parents with no emotion, not bothering to acknowledge me. "It's not a problem. You remember what I told you, though," he said, warning in his tone.
"Of course," my mother assured. I looked between them, wondering what they were talking about, but not able to fully comprehend anything because I was still out of it.
"We'll send it over first thing Monday," my dad said, and Chief Swan merely nodded once in response. "Let's go, Edward." His tone was harsh, a stark difference from before.
"Actually, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a word with him alone," Chief Swan said.
"Yes, absolutely," my mother replied, and then gave me a stern look before she walked towards the front doors with my father.
Scared to even look at Chief Swan, I kept my eyes on the floor. I had no clue what he wanted to say, but I knew it wouldn't be good. When he didn't speak for an entire minute, I got nervous, and finally looked up. His eyes were searing into mine, scrutinizing me. He suddenly dropped his eyes to the desk and picked up the folder he'd been looking at before. Looking closer, I noticed that my name was stuck on there. Was that my record or something?
"You gonna get off the blow, young man?" he suddenly asked, flipping through pages in the folder.
I blinked rapidly, watching what he did. Even though he was asking me if I was going to stop using cocaine, it was more of a threat. I really didn't know how to answer him because drugs had been my refuge for a while now. How could I give that up? When I didn't answer, he glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow.
"Here's the deal," he started sternly, "you're going to see a drug counselor, you're going to shape up, go to school, get good grades, and go to college. Understood?"
I nodded quietly, feeling like if I didn't, he'd shoot me or something. There were a lot of guns around here…
He leaned back further in his chair. "You know my daughter, Isabella?" he questioned.
My body went slightly rigid at her name. Of course I knew who she was. I'd been eyeing her for a while now. She was going to be my next conquest after I slept with the broad I was with now.
"Yes, sir," I managed to say. I wondered if that was really my voice. It was so raspy and gravelly, like I hadn't used it in ages.
He shut my folder and glared at me. "Stay the hell away from her, got that? If I find out you even breathed near her, you can kiss your future goodbye." He held the folder up, containing my record, and then slammed it on the desk in finality. His gaze remained on me for a few moments before he uttered the next words. "I'll be keeping an eye on you."
X-X-X-X
I didn't talk or look at her once after that…except at the party that one night near the end of the school year. She was drunk, and I knew she didn't mean to throw herself at me like that. On the surface, I was saving myself, but in the back of my head, I was doing it for her, too. She was too innocent to get messed up with someone like me. Chief Swan had made it clear to stay away from her or my record would be shot to hell, and I knew I had to abide by that.
When I saw her at my club years after high school, I knew she'd looked familiar, but the connection from Bella to Isabella just never happened because I'd made sure to block most things from my senior year out of my brain, and it wasn't too hard, because for a considerable amount of that time, I was in a drunken or drugged up haze. She was different, too. Her clothes, her hair, the way she carried herself, it was all different. But there were still hints of that innocence in her that I could see, which was probably why I was so attracted to her initially. Now that I saw her, I couldn't believe how I didn't see it before. I should've known…but I didn't. However, it didn't matter now, because it was all over.
After I knew she was truly gone, I walked back out the way I came through the forest. I tried my best to keep my thoughts away from wondering what she was doing and if she was okay. She didn't give a fuck about me and I needed to treat her the same way, but I knew that would be next to impossible, because I'd grown to care for her immensely. Even though I'd come to Forks to get away from Seattle, away from her, I still couldn't stay away. I'd gone to my parents' house to cool off, to get my head together. I'd called Emmett before I left, telling him that it was an emergency and he needed to call me back, and he did eventually. When I'd divulged everything I'd found out to him, he wasn't shocked at all, and I wondered why. I knew he knew something, then, and I forced him to tell me. He spent twenty minutes filling me in on everything to do with the Bella's need for her club to be better than ours and that Bella was doing all this shit to me because I'd told her no when she'd thrown herself at me. She was getting back at me…because I rejected her…when we were kids. I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't even listen to Emmett's demands that I drop it all. Like hell I would! I hung up on him and shut my phone off after that.
I stayed in my old room, trying my best not to think about everything, but it wasn't working. She'd become a permanent fixture in my brain, one that was immovable. Before I knew it, I found myself driving up to where I knew Bella lived in her youth. Somehow, driving there put me at ease. It was odd, considering everything I'd found out was causing me a lot of stress, but just knowing her presence had one time been here completely calmed me.
That was until I saw her car in the driveway.
I was surprised at first, but then I remembered that she was staying over at her parents' house. Then I just became plain fucking angry. Did she really think that I wouldn't ever find out she was Isabella Swan? Our parents still lived in the same fucking town! We went to goddamn school together. But then I realized that she probably didn't give a shit. That she laughed at me because I wasn't able to figure it out sooner. That just pissed me off even more. My blood was coursing and my head was in a spin of rage as I parked my car a block down and walked up to her house. As soon as I saw her, standing across the street from me, I felt the weight of betrayal and humiliation burn through me, and I wanted nothing more than to throw it back in her face.
And so I did.
Yet I was still miserable.
I finally made it out of the forest and began to make my way out towards the street, when I saw a police cruiser I hadn't seen parked in the driveway before. Suddenly, the driver's door swung open and Chief Swan stepped out, staring daggers at me. Shit! What the fuck was I doing just coming to her house when Chief Swan lived here? Fuck! He was going to have my balls, I knew it.
"Do I even want to ask why you're here?" he questioned, practically seething.
I shook my head vehemently. The bastard could make me shit in my pants with one look. "No, sir," I said honestly.
"I distinctly remember telling you to stay away from her, and now I find out from my wife that you two are dating?" he questioned, but it came out as more of a statement.
"We're not, sir," I corrected, trying to keep my voice steady. We weren't dating. Not after what I said to her. I'd probably never see her again after basically calling her a pathetic slut, even though I never meant it. Not in the least. I could never think of Bella as that, even with all she did to me.
He raised an eyebrow. "You better be right. I don't need my daughter's car wrapped around a tree like that Emily."
I winced. Why the fuck did he have to say that? I'd already hurt his daughter emotionally, but if she were to be hurt physically, I could never live with myself.
"I assure you, that won't happen," I replied, my voice breaking slightly.
He nodded, still analyzing me. "Go on and get out of here. If I hear that you're still in contact with her after today…well, I'll be spending some time alone with your record, you hear me?"
I dropped my eyes to the ground. I didn't care about my record anymore. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted with that. It was Bella I cared about, and there was no way she'd be with me now, and quite frankly, I didn't know if I could be with her. So, he really didn't have to worry about me contacting Bella, because that would never happen again.
I walked out of the driveway without saying goodbye, leaving the memory of being with her behind, leaving my heart behind, leaving my soul…
X-X-X-X
I was on the highway, on my way back to Seattle. My tank was low on gas, so I had to pull off into a gas station. As I inserted my credit card into the slot and took out the nozzle, I heard a familiar voice I hadn't heard in a while, causing my body to stop all movement.
"Edward?"
I turned slowly, my eyes coming into view of the person whose heart I'd destroyed ages ago, who continued to haunt me even to this day. Was I hallucinating?
"Emily?" I questioned in shock.
A wary smile crept across her face and she stepped closer to me. She looked older, still pretty like she was before, but definitely more mature looking. The last time I'd seen her, she was trying to seduce me forcibly. It was strange seeing her after all these years.
She nodded in reply and was quiet for a moment before she spoke. "How have you been?" she asked, looking nervous.
I frowned, thinking about my life for the past month, and how it'd all gone to hell. "Okay," I answered vaguely. "You?"
She smiled, which was something I always liked about her. "I'm married now," she admitted, and held up her hand which had a small diamond ring on her third finger.
I looked closer, as if not able to believe it, but then pulled back and managed to smile back. "Married? Wow," I mused, feeling more at ease now.
She pointed to a black car that was parked next to the servicing pump behind my Vanquish. There were two young boys inside. "Those are my boys in there," she said, sounding proud.
I laughed happily. I couldn't even believe it, and yet I could. All this time, I'd hated myself for what I did to her, and she was married now with kids of her own. She was okay. Happy, even.
"That's great, Emily," I said genuinely, but in that instant, I was almost envious of her. She had a family now, and what did I have? I had nothing…except my club. And what was that compared to what she had? She had someone who loved her and kids that were a result of their love. Would I ever have that? Could I even have that?
"I'm okay, you know," she said quietly, and I knew exactly what she was referring to. "I got therapy afterwards and realized I had a lot to deal with that didn't have to do with you. My parents were pushing me to always be something and it just got to me. I was always used to achieving my goals and I sort of channeled that into my relationship with you, so I could avoid everything else in my life." She chuckled nervously. "At least, that's what my therapist told me." She sighed heavily. "So, I'm sorry for everything."
She was sorry? After what I did to her? If I hadn't used her, she would've never reacted that way. "You have nothing to be sorry about. It's me who should be apologizing."
"We were young, Edward. We both made some mistakes. I don't blame you for anything," she said.
Her words soothed me, as if a huge burden was now being lifted off my shoulders. "Thank you, Emily," I spoke.
She looked over her shoulder at her car before turning back to me. "I need to go. My husband is waiting for us at home," she said, and then smiled. "It was great seeing you. Best of luck."
"You, too," I replied, and she was gone, leaving me feeling a bit more whole, but still not complete.
X-X-X-X
The hours slipped by once I got back to Seattle. I didn't go home; instead, I went to the club, needing to just keep my mind occupied. There wasn't much to do that Angela couldn't handle, so I stayed put in my office with the door closed, going over the schedule for the next few months and contemplating if I could get more bands to play at the club, since Breaking Dawn had brought a lot of success to us.
When there was a knock on the door, I barely looked away from my scheduler as I told whoever it was to come in, but I already knew it was Angela, based on her tentative knock.
"Sorry to bug you," she said warily, her voice quiet as if it was a secret.
I pushed the scheduler aside a bit and sighed. "It's not a problem. What is it?"
She cleared her throat. "There's a man here to see you," she whispered. "He's right outside the door."
I furrowed my brow. I definitely wasn't expecting anyone today to visit. "Who is it?" I questioned.
"His name is Aro Volturi. He says he'd like to discuss some matters with you about the club."
Matters? Oh great. Was I being sued or something? People sued for anything these days. "Send him in, I guess."
She nodded and went back out into the hallway. After a few moments, she didn't come back into the office; instead, a familiar looking guy walked into the room wearing a dark blue suit. Hey…I remembered seeing this creep that night when Breaking Dawn was here. He'd told me to enjoy my club, which I'd found odd at the time. He looked just as pale and creepy looking as he did then.
"Mr. Cullen," he started, walking towards my desk casually, "pleasure to meet you. I'm Aro." He stuck his hand out, and I shook it, feeling the need to wipe my hand afterwards.
"What can I do for you?" I inquired, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible. If he was suing, I needed to find a way to sweep this under the carpet without much trouble.
"I noticed your revenue is up. Congratulations," he said with a small smile.
I raised an eyebrow. "Okay…" I trailed off, confused. "How do you know that?"
"Let's just say I have the inside scoop."
I analyzed him for a second, his cocky expression and confidence. He was up to no good, I could tell. I didn't know what the fuck he wanted, but I wanted him out. "Whatever you have to say, make it fast. I have things to do," I lied.
He chuckled. "Very well," he said. "My new club will be opening soon, and I've been looking for the perfect location."
"And?" I questioned. If he didn't talk faster, I was going to fucking make him by shoving my foot up his ass.
"I'd like to buy your club," he said, and fucking smirked.
"Excuse me?" I questioned, taken aback. What the fuck? "Satyr isn't for sale."
"Well, it isn't now, but name a price and I'll double it," he offered.
I gawked at him. He was fucking insane! "The club isn't for sale. Period," I said forcefully.
"Hmm," he hummed, deep in thought, and the room was silent for several seconds, making me feel uneasy. "Now, how do you propose you're going to continue your business when you have no employees?"
Okay, he was definitely insane. Didn't he see my employees when he came in? "Thank you for stopping by, but the answer is no to selling," I said, standing up from my seat.
"You didn't answer my question," he reminded.
I sighed, fed up of this loon. "I have employees. They're right outside. Go see for yourself." With that, I gestured a hand to the door. I hoped it didn't hit him too hard on the way out. No, actually, I certainly did.
"You're mistaken," he said. "I've offered them all jobs with my new club. They'll be getting pay raises and more benefits."
My eyes went wide and my face turned red with anger. "You have got to be kidding me," I growled.
He laughed. "I assure you, I'm not. Your bar staff will all be working for me once you agree to sell."
I shook my head and chuckled humorlessly. "They won't be working for you because I'm not selling."
He shrugged. "We'll see."
"Get out," I seethed.
He smiled and began walking to the door. "I'll be in touch with an offer shortly," he said, and exited the office, leaving the door wide open.
No later than two seconds after he left, Angela came in holding papers. She dropped them on my desk and looked at me cautiously. "Those are resignation papers." I sighed and snatched them off the desk. They were from most of my employees. What the fuck was happening? "I just want you to know that he offered me a job with him as co-manager of his new club. I turned him down."
I flopped into my swivel chair and set the papers aside. "Thank you, Angela, but I don't know if there's any point anymore," I admitted. I just didn't seem to have the fight in me like I did before. I didn't know what changed, but I'd just realized that I didn't care so much that my employees were quitting for something better; in fact, I wanted to let them go. I could always hire more employees, but to be honest, I didn't know that I wanted to. What would it be like if I didn't have the club? What would happen if I gave up all that I'd worked for? The idea didn't make me angry or sad. I just felt…nothing. If that was how I was feeling, then maybe I wasn't fit to own this club anymore.
X-X-X-X
Sitting on the couch at home, drinking a beer, I flipped through the channels of the television at the speed of light, looking for something to watch to keep my mind busy. There was nothing on. It was Friday for fuck's sake. Shouldn't there be movies or some shit? I stopped flicking when it got to the Discovery Channel and resigned myself to watching this MythBusters crap with two gay guys that always had a hard-on for each other as they busted unimportant myths. Fucking stupid. Did I really want to see if a house would explode if you pop a shit load of popcorn in there?
I heard the front door's lock begin to turn. Fucking Emmett. The ass knew all this shit that was happening and didn't bother telling me. He was gonna fucking get it.
The door flew open, and I was shocked to see Rose barreling past Emmett with a scathing look on her face. She was headed for me, and I had a feeling that I should cover my balls or some shit because she seemed pissed.
"I'm fucking sick of your ass, Cullen," she barked, throwing her purse on the couch I was sitting on.
"Now, Rose, babe, just hold on," Emmett urged, walking up to us.
I rolled my eyes. "Rose, if you're sick of my ass, stop looking at it," I quipped.
She placed her hands on her hips. "Shut up," she barked. "Do you realize what a dick you are?"
"First my ass, now my dick?" I questioned with a smirk. "What would Emmett say?"
"I think you need to stop being a smart ass, bro," Emmett warned, and turned to Rose. "Just calm down, okay?"
"No!" she yelled. "Don't tell me what to fucking do. How could you defend him?"
"I'm not defending him, but he is my brother."
"Well, she's my friend, and I'm not going to let him fuck her up like he did in high school."
I groaned, finally realizing what the hell they were going on about. If this had to do with Bella, I was out of here. So, I stood and prepared to leave. "I'm going to my room," I said with no emotion.
Emmett walked over and pushed me back to sit. "Like hell you are," he said angrily.
I allowed him to force me to sit, my mind and body not caring anymore to fight him. I just wanted to feel numb, but the beer didn't seem to be working. Maybe I needed something stronger.
"Do you even care about what you said to her?" Rose asked. "Do you realize how insecure she is about when you rejected her?"
"Okay, let's not place the blame entirely on him because she still decided to do this revenge thing," Emmett chimed in.
I stared at him as realization washed over me. "You told her?" I questioned, my hand tightening around my beer bottle with a vice grip. "You told her about all this shit Bella was doing to me and you never said a goddamn thing to me, your own brother?"
"No, he didn't tell me. I told him. But even if he did tell me, what does it matter? You deserved it all," Rose answered for him smugly.
"Edward," Emmett started, "I didn't think she'd actually continue everything, especially considering she's in lo—" He stopped abruptly when Rose elbowed him in the side.
"Don't tell him that!" she demanded.
"Why not? He should know."
"He told her she threw herself at him like a slut, Emmett. You really think he would give a damn or that it would make a difference?"
"Yes, I do, actually," he said, "because isn't it obvious he feels the same? I mean, look at him."
I furrowed my brow. "What the fuck are you two idiots going on about?" I questioned, fucking fed up of their stupid conversation that didn't even make sense.
Rose sighed heavily in defeat. "Do you know what Bella is doing right now?" she questioned me.
I chuckled bitterly. "Yeah, she's probably writing in her fucking diary," I sneered, and took a pull of my beer, quite satisfied with my quick wit, but still feeling the sharp pangs of how much it all hurt.
Rose's face turned red and her expression contorted in anger. "See. He doesn't give a shit," she remarked.
"I think I know my brother, Rose. This is just his way of dealing. He's trying to protect himself," Emmett said.
I slammed my beer down on the side table next to the couch. "What the fuck are you now, some sort of goddamn therapist? Leave me the fuck alone for fuck's sake," I growled, infuriated. This was fucking bullshit. How dare they come in here and try to tell me how I was feeling? I was pretty sure I knew how I fucking felt, and that was anger at them all. They could go to fucking hell.
"Bro," Emmett said softly, "Bella's at her apartment, crying. She's a wreck right now."
My face showed no emotion, but my insides twisted at that. I was pissed at her, yes, but that didn't mean that the thought of her crying didn't make me want to break into a million pieces. Why was she crying, anyway? She wasn't the one hurting here. She was the one who was indifferent to all of this.
I shrugged. "That's too bad," I acknowledged.
"Unbelievable," Rose spat. "I told you he doesn't care, Emmett."
"Rose, can you wait for me outside?" Emmett asked, not taking his analytical eyes off me. I looked away and back to the television, not liking feeling scrutinized.
"What? No," Rose said.
"I need to talk to my brother, if you don't mind. I'll come out in a minute and get you," Emmett offered.
Rose groaned loudly in response and stomped off towards the door, disappearing behind it.
"She's right, Emmett. You're wasting your time because I really don't care," I spoke, but I knew that was a lie. I just didn't want anyone to see how destroyed I was over everything, and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was affected. I should be strong and get over all this. I should leave it behind and laugh at it all in a few years.
"You don't need to do that," he began, "to put up that wall just so that you don't feel anything. I know what she's been doing is wrong, but what you did to her in high school was pretty bad, too." It was. I wasn't going to deny that. I already knew what I did to her was awful, and if I could go back and undo it, I would, because maybe I wouldn't feel like this, so completely drained. "You two are more alike than you think. You've both been trying to hide your emotions so that you don't have to deal with shit."
I looked at him incredulously. "What are you talking about? Don't tell me I haven't been dealing with my emotions. I gave up everything I knew for her. I didn't have to stop screwing women. I did it because I fell for her."
"Yeah, but when you finally realized that, you went the complete opposite and refused to acknowledge that she was messing with you, even though it was more than obvious. You kept trying to think of her as this perfect woman."
"I never thought of her as perfect," I countered. I knew she had faults, everyone did.
"Maybe not, but you tried to turn your relationship into something perfect, when it wasn't," he said. "Look, the point is that as much as she's been trying to fight it, she fell in love with you."
My heart stopped beating and my lungs caved in on themselves. I swallowed thickly as my brain became fuzzy from the swirling emotions running through them. She couldn't be in love with me. There was no way. He was lying. How could she fall in love with someone who rejected her so harshly? After everything I caused her, she wouldn't be that foolish as to fall in love with me. It was impossible. She was smart and…she just wouldn't.
"I don't think so," I replied, my voice slightly breaking.
"You think she could really pretend to be in a relationship with you without feeling something?" he questioned. "Come on. I think you know better than that."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and shook my head. "She's not in love with me, okay?"
"What about you?"
I sighed, annoyed. "What about me?"
"You're in love with her, too."
I laughed humorlessly. I'd fallen for her, yes, but love? I wasn't in…love with her. I thought for a moment about it. But what if I was? I knew I felt completely empty now that I was sure we were over, and the thought of her possibly being in love with me—even though it couldn't be true—was making me feel…happy. I should be in a fucking rage, yet the idea of her loving me was something out of this world. Was that love if I wanted her to love me? That I practically yearned for it? If it was, then…shit…I was in love with Bella.
Emmett chuckled. "You should see your face, bro," he analyzed, and I hoped I'd never see what my face looked right now, because if it was any indication of what I felt, then I was royally screwed. "It's okay to be in love with her. You both need to just realize that and move on."
I shook my head. "Emmett, it doesn't change the fact of what she did to me. She used me to get back at me."
He rolled his eyes. "And what exactly have you been doing with women all these years?" he questioned. "You've been using them for your own needs, am I right?"
I blinked a few times. "That's…different. I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt…" I stopped when I realized that I was wrong. I had intentionally tried to hurt them, all of them. If I hadn't, then I never would've played the games with them. I never would've tried to win over their hearts as well as their body. All these years, I'd done exactly to them what Bella had done to me. Was this how they all felt when it was over? Like someone could run their car into me at full speed and I wouldn't feel a thing? Like the world could end but I'd welcome it? The feeling was cruel, and I hated myself for ever causing any of them pain. Now that I knew what it felt like, I was certain that I didn't deserve to be loved. Ever.
I hadn't realized that Emmett had left as I stared off into space. I looked towards the front door and saw him talking to Rose quietly. They seemed to be arguing in whispers, but then it stopped when they both came inside and took up stances directly in front of me. Rose suddenly held out a set of silver keys in front of my face.
"Take them," she ordered.
I raised an eyebrow. "What are they for?" I questioned.
"They're the keys to my apartment," she admitted, looking reluctant.
I furrowed my brow. Why was she giving me the keys to her apartment? Emmett grabbed them from her and sat on the couch next to me. He took my hand and placed them on my palm.
"You're gonna go see Bella and make things right," Emmett instructed.
For a moment, my heart leaped, but then it plummeted just as fast. "I'm not doing that," I whispered.
"Just put aside everything and talk things out with her at the very least. She's in a bad way right now," Emmett said.
"He's right, Edward, "Rose chimed in. "She's blaming herself for everything, saying you were right to reject her all those years ago because she doesn't deserve to be loved."
She thought she didn't deserve to be loved? I was just thinking that I didn't deserve to be loved. This was messed up. I couldn't let her think that. If anything, she deserved to be happy. She had to know that. The fact that she thought otherwise put a weight on my heart.
"So, will you go?" Emmett questioned, and sensing my hesitance, he continued. "Remember when the whole Gianna thing happened and I told you you'd owe me? Well, that's now and I'm telling you that you need to see her."
I closed my hand around the keys and nodded. I didn't think I could say anything else, so I stood and made my way to the door, grabbing my keys and wallet on the way.
"Hey, Edward," Rose called, just as I opened the door. I stopped and looked over my shoulder at her. "She's really fragile right now. Just go easy on her."
I frowned and nodded solemnly, then walked out of the apartment, not completely sure if it was the right thing, but knowing that I had to see Bella no matter what.
X-X-X-X
As I approached her door, my feet felt heavy and my breathing became shallow. What the hell was I doing? I couldn't do this. How could I face her, especially now that I knew that I…loved her? Was it pure torture to look the girl you loved in the eye when she was supposedly a mess? How could I ever walk away from her afterwards?
I contemplated for a few minutes if I should just go in there. My car was just outside the building. I could run out there, hop in, and then drive somewhere far away, not turning back. It would be easy…yet it would kill me. No, I needed to do this. She had to know that she deserved to love and be loved. I knew I didn't and that I could never be the one for her, so I just had to face that fact and focus on her.
Just as I shakily began to slip the key into the lock, the door opened abruptly, revealing a tired looking Jasper. I remained frozen, hoping he wouldn't ask me why I was here. He watched me for a second with his eyebrow raised, then leaned against the door.
"I've just spent the last hour with her," he said suddenly. "She told me everything. What she's been doing to you, and what you said to her…" My eyes fell to the floor. If he hated me, then I deserved it. "Are you here to fix it?"
I raised my eyes to his, and I noticed that they were slightly pleading. "That's why I'm here," I admitted.
He didn't say a word in response. All he did was walk past me and out of the apartment. I exhaled, my breath ragged, and stepped inside, closing the door after me. I looked towards her bedroom door and saw that it was shut. My feet refused to move as my brain clicked. She was in there right now. In a moment, I'd see her. How would she react? What would I say? My brain fired off a thousand questions as I tried to figure out how to handle this, but I realized that I shouldn't over think things. I needed to just go in there.
As I stepped closer, I could make out muffled sobbing coming from her room.
She was crying.
My heart clenched in pain. This was too much. I'd hurt her. She hated me, I knew it. I even hated myself for what I said to her.
I managed to wrap my hand around her door knob and slowly turned it, trying not to make a sound. Before I pushed open the door, I breathed in and out quickly a few times. The door moved easily, quietly, but as it separated from the frame, her cries became louder. It hit me full on, invading my ears, knowing that it would hurt me. She was lying on the bed, on her side over the covers. She grasped tightly to her pillow as it covered her face, hiding her choked sobs. Watching her for a minute, I was overcome with the feeling to wrap my arms around her, to soothe her, comfort her, and tell her everything was going to be alright. I needed to touch her so badly. She was equally destroyed over this, if not more.
Then it had to be true…she was in love with me. Bella was in love with me. My entire body warmed at that fact and in no time at all I was crawling on the bed towards her.
"Jasper, I said I'm fine. Go to Alice," she choked into her pillow, and it broke me just to hear her voice sound so defeated.
I hovered over her, placing one hand on one side of her body while my other reached for the pillow. She sniffled loudly as I slowly began to bring it down from her face. When I saw her cheeks flushed, her eyelashes wet from her tears, and her heartbreaking expression, I knew I couldn't live without her, this beautiful creature. She was so stunning, even with her runny nose. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was coming out in short bursts of air as she quieted down her crying. I couldn't help myself as I bent down and brought my lips to her tear-stained cheek, my body tingling with the relief that it brought me. She gasped loudly and shifted so she was on her back. When her surprised eyes met mine, they seemed to register my presence, and instantly turned into fury.
"What are you doing here?" she half yelled, half sobbed.
I reached up and caressed her hair, feeling how smooth it was. "Shh, Bella," I said softly, trying to calm her.
She closed her eyes. "Please go. You already told me everything. I get it now."
"What do you get, baby?"
Her eyes snapped open. "Don't call me that."
I sighed, trying not to feel burned by her words. "What do you get, exactly?"
She didn't respond to that, just merely looked away, silent tears streaking down her face. "Just go, Edward," she whispered, her tone a plea rather than a demand. She was in pain, and when she was in pain, I was, too.
I pressed my lips against her cheek again, not able to help myself.
"Don't," she said quietly.
I traced my nose along her jaw. "It's okay, Bella. I already know," I said. She tried to pull away from me slightly, but I grabbed onto both sides of her face and forced her to look up at me.
"Know what?" she questioned.
My eyes darted around her perfect face, breathing in every inch of it. "How you feel about me."
She shook her head and began to push against my chest, trying to sit up, but I kept her down. "I don't feel anything for you," she spat, and worked harder against me.
I encircled my arms around her back and brought her up to sit with her pressed against my chest. She was really fighting hard against me. "Please, stop. I feel it, too, Bella. I didn't want to admit it, either, but I've been going crazy. I love you so much." She froze instantly and glared at me. Not the reaction I was expecting. "You love me, too."
Angry tears slipped from her eyes as she squeezed them shut. She shook her head. "No," she choked, almost sounding desperate.
I hugged her to me and brought my lips to her ear. "I can't breathe without you, Bella. Tell me you feel the same way." She cried harder and I tried to soothe her by placing small kisses on the shell of her ear, then across her moist cheeks and to her nose. She let me, remaining still as fits of sobs raked over her. "You're everything to me." My lips hovered over her plump ones, aching to claim them passionately, but knowing I had to go slow, so I brushed mine lightly to hers. She shivered in my arms and immediately stopped crying, which gave me the courage to actually press my lips to hers, so I did. Her mouth remained still as I placed short pecks on her plump lips. She blew hot air into my mouth as she sighed, and after a moment, she began to respond, matching my slow kisses.
She was kissing me. She had no idea what it was doing to see her respond to me, how it caused my pulse to quicken and my heart to pump fervently inside my chest. Had she finally admitted to herself the way she felt? I desperately hoped she did, because I didn't think I could live with myself knowing she didn't feel the same way. I had gone from not thinking I could deserve her love, to wanting nothing but it. And her kisses were giving me exactly what I needed—her.
I unwrapped my arms vice hold from around her and brought my hands up to cup her face as I took her top lip in between my own. She tasted of salt and sugar all at the same time. A small whimper emitted from her, causing my body to react inappropriately, but I didn't much care. I was with her now and I didn't want to fight the love for her that consumed me. I wanted to show her if she'd let me.
She grasped onto my shirt, fisting it while her tongue snaked out and swept across my bottom lip, begging for admission. A thrill ran through me and I opened my mouth for her gladly, my tongue immediately searching for hers. Our kisses intensified, growing deeper, faster, and more desperate. I groaned into her mouth, my lust for her taking over my brain, but it was a different kind of lust. It wasn't the lust I felt for her when I'd first met her, it was a lust that was interlaced with love, passion, and yearning. I wanted her body desperately, but I wanted her mind more than anything. My lust for her was completely emotional, and I was hard with the need to share my love for her.
I pushed my fingers into her delicate hair and brought her down with me as I fell back onto the bed. She immediately straddled my waist, her jeans covered heat hovering over where I was beginning to ache.
I broke away slightly, showering kisses around the outline of her lips. "I love you so much, Bella," I breathed onto her skin.
She responded by capturing my lips again and grinding herself into my erection. I groaned loudly and pushed my hips up into hers, a wave of fiery passion crashing down on me. Not able to stand it anymore, I quickly flipped her over so she was under me and placed quick pecks starting from her collarbone all the way down to her stomach. I pushed up her shirt slightly, revealing her silky skin that I'd wanted to see for so long. It wasn't enough, though. I needed more of her. I began to move the shirt higher and higher, but stopped instantly. I couldn't let my need for her cloud my better judgment.
"Is this okay?" I whispered in question. Please say it's okay. I need you so badly.
Her reply was a simple nod, her dark eyes hooded. With her permission, I tugged up her shirt, planting small kisses along the way until I had to break away from her to take it completely off. She raised her arms and allowed me to undress her. After I threw her shirt on the ground, I looked at her, her entire top half entirely bare to me. She obviously hadn't been wearing a bra, which thrilled me beyond belief. Her breasts were perfect, not too big, and not too small. I traced my fingers along the flesh around her pink nipples, watching as they pebbled in desire. The fact that I was causing this reaction in her made my dick swell, and I bent down, instantly taking a hardened peak into my hot mouth, and swirled my tongue around it as I savored her.
"Edward," she moaned, and wound her fingers into my hair, tugging on the roots.
I replaced my tongue with my finger, rubbing it gently, and switched to suck on her other nipple, encasing it in wet heat. I was so wrapped up in working her with my tongue, that I didn't notice my shirt being pulled up. Lifting myself to my knees, I helped her by reaching over my head, grasping the fabric, yanking it off in one swift motion, and tossing it blindly somewhere in the room. Her hands were instantly on my chest, feeling the hard plains of my abs, her touch driving me wild, making me crave her even more. When her fingers traced along the waistband of my jeans, I twitched.
Are we really going to do this? Is she ready? Am I pushing her?
I couldn't stop the questions from overtaking my thoughts, but as I stared into her brown pools, I knew exactly what she wanted, and I was sure that I mirrored her want. This was right. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I covered her hand with mine and trailed them both down to my fly. She began to unzip me slowly while I undid the button. I caressed the silky skin of her arm with my fingers, letting her know that she needed to take a bit of control here. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or forced into doing this. She slipped her fingers beneath the waistband of my briefs and pulled it down along with my jeans. When it was at my knees, I hopped off the bed briefly and shed them before climbing back on and running my hands up her long legs to her jeans button, her breath hitching slightly at my touch. She let me undo them and I took my time as I peeled them slowly down her luscious legs and onto the ground. Laying before me in nothing but a pair of royal blue lace panties, she was an absolute goddess. I wanted to worship her magnificent body. A bit too stunned to move, she wrapped her small hand around my engorged member, and I choked a breath.
"Shit," I cursed, and squeezed my eyes shut from the intense sensation.
She rubbed her thumb along the tip, coating my dick in the moisture that was beginning to pool there. I slowly opened my eyes again, seeing a look of determination on her face as she started to stroke me slowly. I sighed and ran my hands up her legs, feeling how smooth they were. As I got to her thighs, her strokes lost its rhythm and I smiled to myself, knowing she was becoming distracted. I removed her hand from me and hooked my fingers into her panties, then dragged them down her legs, moving my body along with them. I lifted her legs up, discarded her panties behind me, and then kissed both of her ankles with short, sweet pecks. Not satisfied enough, I dropped one of her legs to the bed, and moved the other onto my shoulder. I began licking a scorching hot trail starting from her calf up to her inner thigh. A soft gasp escaped her, encouraging me to continue. The pink flesh of her slippery heat revealed to me, and I eyed it hungrily, settling myself on my stomach. Almost immediately, she ran her fingers through my hair in encouragement, and that was all I needed before my lips surrounded her swollen bud and my tongue was encircling it with fervor.
"Fuck, yes. Right there," she moaned, tightening her hold on my, no doubt, mussed up locks.
My dick was straining between me and the bed, but I could care less. She was all that mattered to me, and doing this for her was causing me insurmountable pleasure as it was. But I knew that I didn't want her to come like this. I wanted to be inside of her when that happened. So, I flicked my tongue incessantly over her wet nub a few more times before I pulled back and crawled up her sexy body. She breathed out a sigh as I molded myself to her, our lower halves lining up in the best kind of way. My lips, moist with her arousal, covered hers in a flash and she greedily took my bottom lip between her teeth and sucked.
"Mmm," I grunted against her lips. She made me so fucking horny. "Baby, I need you."
"Take me, then," she whispered.
I pulled back to look into her big, beautiful eyes, trying to convey to her all the love I had for her. Her own eyes showed me what she was feeling. She loved me. I could see it.
I grabbed my length between us, positioned myself at her slick opening, and pushed into her little by little, her soft walls encasing me in her warmth. I held my breath for fear that I would come too soon; it was my way of trying to hold it off. It worked slightly, but not enough. Halfway inside of her, I had to stop to let the wave of pleasure die before pushing into her again. When our pelvises were completely pressed together, I brought her hands up on either side of her head and laced my fingers with hers. She held onto me for dear life as I slowly pulled all the way out of her and slid back inside with ease.
"God," she breathed, her eyes rolling into the back of her head. "Feels so good."
I smiled and latched my lips onto hers, beginning to set a steady pace with my strokes. Seconds, minutes, hours could've passed and I wouldn't have known as I kissed her passionately while rocking in and out of her, our souls joined as one. Her whispery whimpers became louder, turning to moans against my mouth. I pulled away and rested my head into the crook of her neck so I could hear her completely. She wrapped her legs around my waist, her core tightening more around my dick in the process, which caused me to let out a throaty grunt.
God…fuck…I never remembered sex feeling this good. Ever. I wasn't sure if it was just because she turned me on so much or because of the way I felt about her. It was probably a combination of both.
Slowing down my speed, I decided I wanted her in control now. So, reluctantly, I unraveled her legs from around my waist and slid out of her. I fell on my back next to her and pulled her petite body so that she was straddling me.
"Ride me," I demanded hoarsely.
Her cheeks flushed suddenly, and I had to fight with myself not to just slam up into her. I ran my hands all over her body, up her flat stomach, to her pert tits that begged me to grab them. As she sat on me and positioned my tip at her entrance, I cupped her breasts, squeezing them and pushing them together slightly. She began to sink down onto me, and I was home. I dropped my hands to her waist and dug my fingers into her soft flesh. She rocked against me at first, getting accustomed to the feel of me so fucking deep inside her. Fuck. It was the best sensation ever. After a while, she began to bounce on top of me and settled her hands on the plate of my chest. Instead of watching her body, which was beautiful, I lifted my eyes and settled them on her face, watching her expression as it overcame with rising pleasure. I wanted to see her explode around me, so I slid my hand down from its tight grasp on her waist and rubbed my thumb over her soaked clit.
"MmmphFUCK!" she practically shouted, screwing her eyes shut tightly.
I rubbed my thumb in a circular motion, feeling as she tightened further around my dick and moaned, which meant I was doing something right. Her fingers sunk into my chest, her nails leaving a mark. I picked up rubbing her when I began to feel my own undoing start to occur, and I didn't want to stop it this time if it meant I could get her to come before me. By the sound of her loud moans, I knew she was close, and I fucking reveled in it. I was making her feel this good.
Faster and faster I rubbed as she moved quicker on top of me. I watched as I disappeared in and out of her and groaned at the erotic sight. She was so goddamn sexy. It was almost surreal that this was happening, that I finally had her in this way. I wanted to prolong this forever, but I was severely close.
With a lengthy moan, Bella's walls clamped down on me tightly and her face contorted in pure pleasure. The sight was fucking gorgeous. She was a vision, glowing like an angel. I completely shocked myself when an upheaval of warmth began to take over me ferociously.
"Fuck, I'm gonna come," I announced in a growl.
I pushed up into her, the pressure deep within my stomach consuming me. My balls began to tighten, and I thrust up roughly one last time before I completely came undone, pumping my hot seed deep within her. I went blind for a second from the intense ecstasy I was experiencing, and then the physical sensation began to fizzle, but the emotional one only heightened exponentially. I was so fucking happy that I was actually smiling.
At some point, Bella had collapsed on top of me, her forehead resting against my chest. I was completely spent, but managed to bring a hand up and caress the top of her head slowly. She lifted her forehead, her eyes meeting mine, and then slipped off me. I frowned at the loss of contact. I would've stayed inside her forever. She fell to my side and I turned over to face her. She had her eyes closed, a contented look on her face, but she wasn't asleep. Her breathing was still slightly erratic. I reached up and tucked her slightly sweaty hair behind her ear, then leaned in to kiss her. She kissed me back unhurriedly, sweetly, before she pulled away and brought her hand up to the back of my neck, playing with the hair there.
There were a hundred things I wanted to say to her, all involving how sorry I was and that I didn't mean anything I said to her earlier. The truth was what I wanted to say to her, even down to what I'd promised her father ages ago. She deserved to know, so I was going to tell her. But when her fingers began to dig into the flesh of the back of my neck, massaging it expertly, I could only think of falling asleep next to her. Resigned that we could talk about it all in the morning, I wrapped my arms around her, bringing her body close to mine, and letting her continue her massaging as my heavy eyelids began to slowly close.
"So much to tell…" I managed to rasp out.
"Shh, sleep," I heard her whisper before I completely slipped into the darkness, knowing that when I'd come back out, she'd be my light.
When I woke up again, groggy from sleep, I felt a naked chill run through me and my arms were empty. This wasn't how I was supposed to feel when I woke up. Something was off.
"Bella," I croaked, and rubbed my eyes with my index finger and thumb. But when I fluttered my eyes open, a bright light invading my vision, I noticed Bella wasn't next to me anymore. I rubbed the spot on the mattress she'd been in last night to find it cold, as if she'd never even been here. Sitting up in her bed, I looked around her room and noticed her closet door had been opened and the bedroom door was completely closed. I remembered leaving the door open last night when I came. All that remained on the floor were my scattered clothes, hers missing.
I suddenly began to panic. We'd made love last night, and now she was gone. I'd told her I loved her, but she'd never said it back, even though I swore I saw it in her eyes. Something clicked in my head as I realized how familiar this sounded.
"Oh…no," I whispered to myself, my realization hitting me like a freight train burrowing down a track.
My heart sank and eyes became blurry. Nothing…nothing…would've ever prepared me for this dreaded feeling. A feeling I would never wish on anyone in a million years.
As I sat in the middle of her bed, completely naked, an ache in my chest, I recalled the words written in her notebook. I'd told her I loved her, we'd had sex, and now…she'd abandoned me. I was crashing hard, about to be burned alive.
My world had completely ended.
A/N:
Dun dun dunnnn.
Guess what? Next chapter is the last one. Yeah, I know. *hears the roars of angry readers* I will not be answering reviews or messages that ask "Is this gonna be an HEA?" cause I've said the answer only a MILLION times throughout the story. So, if you want to flounce, okay, but geez, one more chapter, guys. You can stick through it, I know you can.
Long chapter. Lots happened. Would love to hear your thoughts. Review and fire away.
Recs:
Broken by jarielynn.
-Bella is 16 and Edward is 21. When Edward goes home from college, he meets his younger brother's (Emmett) girlfriend, Bella. Edward is attracted to her, hardcore. He knows it's wrong cause she's so young, plus is taken, and everyone knows his hidden feelings, except Emmett who is oblivious to it. I found this by chance and I became engrossed. Bella doesn't stay 16 throughout, there's actually a time jump to when she's in college. Edward is pretty passionate. Good read.
Coldwater Summer by LeahTheWeary
-Just started reading this. It's a southern romance fic, which is cute. Edward is the new swoony doctor in a small town and Bella is a southern belle that takes up an assistant job with him. There's an instant attraction, but obstacles in the way. This Edward is so darling. I just want to eat him up with a spoon. He's sweet, modest, caring, and so many more swoon-worthy traits.