Chapter 25

"You've seen everything, seen every part

You've seen all my light and you love my dark

You've seen everything of which I am ashamed…

And you're still here"

"Everything," Alanis Morrisette

Once the others had left, remarkable silence ascended upon Xander's apartment; after the many outbursts that had come about over the past hour, it seemed more noticeable and striking even than it usually would, a stark and somewhat unsettling contrast to the conflict they were used to hearing. Not that Xander and Faith were without conflict between each other now…that was hardly the case.

Xander knew that Faith was seething, still furious at Willow, upset at the revelation in regards to the witch's plans and the manner of Buffy's return; she was unable to stand still, pacing the small room and glaring fiercely at the space before her without speaking. Xander could identify; he too felt adrenalized, as if he wanted to do something physically vigorous to release some of the tense emotion building inside him. Run, scream, hit something… he had a tremendous urge to punch a wall, but he held himself back, instead deliberately cracking his knuckles, as Faith moved restlessly around him. Neither spoke.

When Faith disappeared first into his bedroom, then his bathroom, muttering something over her shoulder that Xander didn't' catch, he let her go, barely glancing up at her. If he was honest with himself, at the moment he didn't' want to deal with Faith, didn't' want to tiptoe around trying to figure out where they stood, or what she wanted, what she expected out of him. He didn't have the energy or desire to; all he could focus on was what had just happened, what it meant. If she wanted to hammer things out between them or even to talk about what had happened with the others, it was up to her now. He certainly wasn't going to chase her down. It was about time she initiated something on that front without him prompting or taking over anyway… so let her retreat if she wanted. Let her go.

His mind was overrun with thought, his anger and anxiety over what had just occurred. That Willow would plan this, knowing what would happen, knowing she was being deliberately deceptive… what had she been THINKING? She wanted to bring Buffy back…as less than fully Buffy… force them to see her remains, force Buffy to exist that way, with so many things that could go wrong, until she could alter her appearance- IF she could alter her appearance?! What was WRONG with her- what could make her do such a thing?!

Grief…of course Willow grieved, they all grieved for Buffy. They all wanted her back…but at what cost? How much was too much?

Willow had been crushed when Buffy had died…she had cried , been very sad and upset. But now that Xander thought about it, she had also been trying very hard to be strong, to take care of Dawn and be there for her… and she had never really broken, never really displayed the rage or desperation she had shown when Tara died. He hadn't really thought about it at the time. He had been struggling with his own emotions, fighting simply to get through each hour of each day. He might have been vaguely relieved, even, unconsciously figuring that Willow had simply learned to have a better handle on her grief.

But what if she didn't… what if she had simply repressed her more volatile feelings, bottled them up inside until she could have a chance, an opportunity to finally give vent to them in a manner that had the slimmest possibility of restoring to her what had caused the source of her intense feelings? She could not be thinking clearly, she could not in any way be capable of making this decision with a logical mind… not if she was really…

Had Willow, in her own way, become like Faith in a spiral of destructive action- against fate and Buffy's remains rather than against herself? How could Xander have missed this…how could not one, but two women have escaped his notice?

He didn't know. He just didn't know. About Willow, about Buffy, about Faith… he wasn't sure what he wanted, what should be done, or even what he expected.

Some ten minutes passed before Faith quietly re-entered the living room. By this point Xander had begun to pace the room himself. As she stood there, crossing her arms, discomfort stretched across her features and spreading to affect her posture, Xander made himself stop moving, though he did not address her or directly face her.

Faith cleared her throat, shifting her weight uneasily, but did not begin to pace again, nor did she come closer, try to meet his eyes. She continued to hold her arms tightly against herself, and even without really looking at her, Xander could feel the guilt and disturbance that enveloped her.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked abruptly, the tone probably gruffer than she had intended, and she fumbled, her voice more uncertain as she attempted to clarify. "I mean, when I was trying to get you off… after Willow…did I-"

"It's okay," Xander told her, glancing over at her quickly, but his tone was cooler than usual. Not entirely because he intended it to be, but nevertheless so. "Don't worry about it."

"No, it's not okay," Faith insisted, taking a step towards him. She stopped, her frown deepening, and she stood still, opening and closing one fist slowly, as if in an effort to keep from reaching out to him. "Shouldn't have flipped out like that. She just…whatever. I didn't mean it…you sure it's okay? It didn't get sprained or broken or something?"

"It's just a little sore," Xander replied in the same civil yet distant tone as before, glancing back at her for a moment longer. This was an understatement- he was more than certain that his arm muscle was strained, if not sprained, and even with Willow's healing spell, his back felt very painful after he had been knocked onto it with Faith's weight, slight as it was, on top of him. "Don't worry."

"And your back- didn't mean to knock you over, is it okay? I mean, you should have Willow or Giles or someone look at that. Is it-"

"Faith, it's okay," Xander cut her off more insistently this time, facing her fully, though not entirely reassuring in tone. "I know you weren't meaning it, don't worry over that."

Unconsciously he put slight emphasis on the word that, and Faith's frown deepened, her eyebrows slanting as she continued to regard him before letting her eyes slide away. Xander tried not to wonder what she was thinking, but despite anything he told himself, this was a difficult thing to accomplish.

Several moments passed in silence between them, long, awkward, broken only by the sounds of their breathing, by shifting of weight and quiet exhalations as each waited for the other to make a move. Finally Faith sighed, her face lowered, her words somewhat muffled as she spoke.

"You're not a duck."

Xander looked over at her at this, a puzzled frown coming to his face as he tried to digest this incomprehensible statement. Coming up with nothing, he was forced to ask.

"Uh…what?"

"You're not a duck," Faith repeated a little more loudly, as if the problem was Xander's hearing rather than his comprehension. When he continued to look at her blankly, obviously not benefitted by her repetition, she exhaled again, dragging her eyes up to meet his.

"What I said earlier… about you being a stupid duck or whatever… whatever it was I said, I don't even remember anymore. It all just kinda came out…I wasn't really thinking about it, so I kinda don't even remember it all.." Faith let out another breath, crossing her arms quickly, her eyes briefly shifting away. But the movement seemed more like a self-embrace rather than a defensive, guarded gesture, unconscious self-comfort rather than an attempt to remain closed off. Xander watched her, his own eyebrows knitted.

"Anyway, whatever I said…I'm sorry for that too," she said quietly, lifting her eyes back up to Xander's. He saw the confliction of her guilt mingling with the anxiety and uncertainty in their surfaces and knew however belatedly she was getting around to this, and however awkwardly she might stumble through it, Faith did mean what she said. "I was a little freaked. Didn't mean it…shouldn't have said it…wasn't true."

With this spoken, Faith seemed to obtain no relief from having said it; if anything she seemed even more ill at ease as she awaited Xander's reaction. She turned her body very slightly away, letting her weight rock back and forth, shifting from foot to foot with nervous, restless energy. The fingers of her left hand unconsciously stroked over the skin of her right arm, and she traced her finger over the tattoo on her bicep, scratching lightly without seeming to realize she was doing so.

Xander paused, watching. He hadn't expected an apology from her, at least, not for that. In all the past blow ups Faith had been involved in that he could recall, he had very rarely heard her apologize later in a way that didn't at the very least sound resentful or sarcastic, whether she meant for it to or not. However wrong she might have been, it just wasn't in her character usually to apologize- maybe she thought it made her look weak, maybe she just hated to admit she'd been wrong, Xander didn't know. What he did know was that for her to apologize to him now, she must be really bothered about what had happened between them, and where they stood now.

"You were scared," he replied finally, keeping his voice deliberately neutral, neither harsh nor overly gentle. "People say things they don't mean. Just like you said."

"Yeah, but that doesn't let me off the hook… doesn't give me the right," Faith muttered, and she uncrossed her arms, raking one hand through her hair and rolling her eyes to the side for a moment before looking back at Xander, making herself hold his gaze. "And it wasn't true."

Xander regarded her, a quiet acceptance settling over him. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it, in the back of his mind…he could take this and extend his own version of grace, without either of them losing any further pride, experiencing any further hurt, at least for the moment. Both were sure to come to them in the future, whatever path they set out upon, and sparing unnecessary additions of it now could only be a good thing.

Besides…looking at Faith standing before him, shoulders slightly rounded, licking her lips periodically and unconsciously…how could he resist that? How could he continue to hold very much resistance when she was-

Okay, stop, STOP, not going there now… not now…now stopping, stopping…

"No," he said quietly. "It isn't true. We both know that."

"It wasn't," Faith agreed, still nearly in a mutter, and she was looking down again now, crossing her arms in the same embracing manner as before, though she had somehow shifted her positioning so that she was closer to Xander, almost standing shoulder to shoulder with him. "But what you said to me… the stuff about me…it is."

There was no anger in her tone, only an acceptance of sorts, almost a concession of defeat. Unlike Faith, Xander remembered very well what he had said to Faith, words that were in their very sharp truthfulness chosen to slice through her angry defenses and hostility to hit her at the core. He had known then that they had hit their mark perfectly, and this was all the more clear to him now as he watched the shadowy contours of her face.

He wanted to touch Faith, to hug her, tell her he was sorry, and he was…sorry for her pain, sorry that he had not at the time understood, that it had had to come down to that kind of hurtfulness between them. But even so he was glad. If his words, his anger, had lead to this point in time for them, then it could only move forward, only get better, only clarify where they stood… couldn't it?

"I could have said it differently," Xander offered, but Faith shook her head.

"I think you said it right the way it was," she replied quietly, and Xander, despite his impulse to argue further, let the conversation die there.

They said nothing for a couple of minutes, the silence forming between them stretching out in a manner that was somehow both uncomfortable and faintly soothing. Standing side by side, they didn't look at each other, but rather merely stood close, letting their thoughts run freely.

Eventually Faith exhaled again, the sound shuddering through her noticeably, and she looked up at Xander, her lips thinning, eyes shimmering with momentary wetness that quickly was shoved back as she spoke.

"Xander…god, Xander, I want her back."

Xander's stomach twisted, and to his own guilt, he knew that not all of his hurt was for Buffy, or even for Faith's pain over Buffy… a part of him, try as he might to deny it, hurt because it wasn't him that Faith wanted so badly. He had been stupid, STUPID, to think for a second that Faith might have any thoughts of him beyond friendship, at least that weren't born of loneliness or extreme horniness. He knew damn well that for any normal person, let alone a Slayer, a person like Faith, he didn't hold a candle to Buffy.

"So do I," he told her softly, and he watched Faith, attempting to read her body language, to determine what she wanted. She was still standing rather close, her body turned towards his, and though she was frowning heavily, her forehead lined, she continued to hold his eyes, her own reflecting back at him her despair.

"But the way Willow would… would bring her… it's not right. It's just not right, Xander, no one should fuck with her like that, no one should-" she stopped, swallowing, lowering her eyes, and Xander quickly tried to detract from that train of thought.

"She wants her back too," he said quietly, trying to distract himself, to focus on Faith's face, Faith's eyes, to push back thoughts of Buffy…or even of Willow. If Willow was really slipping again, really becoming unreasonable or unstable in her thinking, what were they going to do? What could they do?

"She's just not thinking, Faith…she's just-"

"She's thinking," Faith disagreed, shaking her head vigorously. "She's not just thinking, she's planning. You heard her, Xander, you heard what she wants, you heard what she would do."

"Don't think about that right now," Xander said, and impulsively he touched her arm, letting his hand rest there lightly as he continued to meet her conflicted gaze with his. "I know, easy to say… but let's try. Just for now…okay?"

Faith took in a slow breath, turning her face away slightly and running a hand through her hair before she nodded, not responding verbally. She didn't pull away from his touch, and Xander found himself letting his hand linger there for a few more seconds before he quickly took it back.

"Um…do you want to sit, or…"

Wordlessly Faith made her way to his couch, slouching down onto it with a troubled yet almost male-like posture, her legs apart, body leaned heavily back against the couch. Xander came over more slowly and sat carefully, cautious not to put much pressure on his freshly painful back. He kept a distance between their bodies that was deliberate but not really all that far. He sat there, glancing over at Faith quickly and continuously, trying to think of something to say.

"I don't want to lose her again," Faith said suddenly, her voice low. She was staring straight ahead, not looking at Xander at all, even when he turned his head with a slight concerned frown, listening. "And I'm gonna have to. If we bring her back. God I want her back…but then I'd have to lose her again. In whatever way."

Xander nodded, continuing to regard her, studying her features, even as she remained in such a way that she wasn't facing him. He tried to think of something to say, anything, that would make her know that he understood, he felt for her, hell, he felt the same way, with a pained intensity that made it hard to even think.

"I know…I know what you mean. I do."

She turned her head slowly then, and her posture straightened, her legs closed together a little as she sat away from the back of the couch. She didn't turn her body, but Faith was facing him as fully as she was able to without doing so now, her face tensing as her gaze met his, her eyes searching, serious.

"You want me…don't you."

The words were said softly, almost gentle. There was no shock or signs of sudden realization in either her voice nor expression, but then, this wasn't too surprising. However Xander had tried to hide or distract from his growing desire- growing feelings- for her, Faith was not completely oblivious… and it wasn't like it was uncommon for people to be attracted to her. So she had probably known all along, or at least for some time now… what Xander couldn't really tell was how she felt about it. She didn't seem angry, or hostile, or upset… she was simply stating rather than questioning what would probably be obvious to anyone who could look at Faith's physical appearance and observe the fact that Xander was male. But if she had already known this, then why did she choose to ask about it now? Did it bother her after all… now that they were talking about Buffy, and their desires… did she want to warn him off from trying anything with her? Or was it totally the opposite…was she testing the waters, about to make a move on him if he proved receptive, simply as distraction of some kind for herself?

Xander didn't know what Faith wanted at all. But as he weighed out possible answers, attempting to come up with an answer that was both honest and not something that would give her wrong ideas, whatever those might be, he decided to just answer as simply as he could.

"Yes," he replied, and Faith nodded slightly, her eyes still focused nearly gravely on his, narrowed, as if she were deciphering what he was saying, as brief and straightforward as it had been.

"I knew that," she replied, her voice still pitched lower than usual, and when she didn't turn away, didn't say anything else, Xander took in a subtle breath, plunging forward with the question that had been so heavily plaguing him from the moment she first spoke… really, from the time she had tried to kiss him a few days ago.

"Faith? Faith…what do you want?"

A shadow came over her features, and as her eyes dimmed, darkening with her thought as she frowned faintly, eyebrows knitting, Faith managed to look straight at Xander's face without seeming to see him at all. Her voice was far away, yet poignant with sincerity as she replied.

"Everything…everything."

Several moments passed; Xander could think of no response. He felt that he should lower his eyes, to give her privacy, a place to retreat, if she felt the need. But Faith didn't seem aware that he was still watching her so closely, or at least, she showed no signs of being bothered by it. She seemed lost to her own train of thought, and when she finally focused her eyes, seeming to notice Xander again, she shifted her weight, exhaling, and turned her body away from him, putting greater physical distance as she spoke more tersely than she had been previously.

"I…look, I don't want to know how, why, when, what way…I don't want a definition or explanation. Hell, I don't even know why I'm asking, why I even want to know…I don't…"

"You don't have to ask anything you don't want to ask," Xander said when she stopped for a few moments, adjusting herself on the couch again, not meeting his eyes. He said it even as he hoped that she would, as his curiosity awakened at her statement.

But Faith shook her head, one hand moving to grip her knees, her shoulders slumping, yet still somehow managing to convey tension even in her more casual sitting style. "No, I do. I need to ask, hell if I know why… dammit…" she paused, exhaling, and then looked over at him, her words awkwardly expressed, but somehow vulnerable even in the abrupt way that she spoke.

"Do you love me?"

Xander froze. This had not at all been what he'd expected, though he hadn't known what it was he did expect. Her asking him if he loved her, however, was definitely not it. How could he respond to that? She wanted to know if he loved her… why? What was it that she needed to hear? DID he love her?

Of course he did. Xander knew he loved her in some way…as Faith, as his friend, his ally, someone who had fought battles at his side and come out triumphant…almost as family. But how else…was there more to it? Was he simply attracted to her, or was it deeper than that?

Faith hadn't asked him for a detailed analysis, however…in fact, she had adamantly stated that she didn't want one. She had asked for a simple answer, and that, Xander had for her.

"Yes," he said simply and sincerely, meeting her gaze. "Yes, I do, Faith."

She continued to regard him without words for several moments, her forehead still lined faintly, and Xander had an urge to reach out, to attempt to smooth its creases away with his hand. He tried not to think about where that impulse might have come from too much. He didn't look away from her, waiting with some apprehension for her response.

Faith was serious for a few more moments, and then she smiled suddenly, some of the dark seriousness in her eyes lightening into something that was calmer, almost playful… pleased? She shifted, and the intensity of their eye contact was broken.

"You're not the brightest bulb in the basement, are you, Xander?" she said in a flippant tone, but Xander thought he detected a serious meaning there as well, discernible in the what half hidden sentiments he saw reflected in her expression. He knew as well what she meant by her comment…it was aimed at herself, at his choosing to love her in whatever fashion that he did, more than it was an insult aimed at him. He smiled back, his tone as teasing as hers.

"Got me there. But I make up for it with my dazzling wit and charm."

Faith's smile widened, and for a brief moment or two he saw her dimples flicker into view. The sight of them made Xander's heart twist with gladness, and he smiled back, finding her beautiful in that moment, without quite thinking this in words at all.

"You ever heard that joke about the sadist and the masochist?" Faith asked suddenly, a small smile remaining on her lips, and Xander shook his head, not following her train of thought, but nevertheless willing. "Masochist to sadist: Hurt me. Sadist to masochist: No."

Xander stared at her for a moment, dumbfounded, and then laughed; Faith smiled slightly, but even as her voice remained light, he thought a part of her was still serious.

"Not sure which of us is which sometimes."

"I could make SO many sex jokes about that, but I think I'll try my hand at maturity," Xander replied, giving a mock frown. "Hm…this maturity thing, it doesn't really fit… pervy jokes it is, then."

Faith smiled, but it was absent now, appearing to be done out of force rather than genuine reaction. As Xander let his smile flatten out, watching her, he saw that she too had slipped back into seriousness. As she rolled her eyes in his direction again, meeting his gaze, she spoke with a quiet directness that stopped him from noticing anything else anymore but her voice, her face.

"I can't lose you, Xander."

He held her gaze, unmoving, unsmiling, for a long moment. This was not a moment for easy reassurance, for smiles or jokes or anything but a depth of connecting that neither truly understood. He held her gaze, and he spoke in a tone that was as solemn and steeped in meaning as hers…but also conveying a promise, one he fully intended to keep.

"You won't."

Several more moments passed, and at that time, there was nothing more on their minds, their eyes, nothing but the other and the promise that had passed. When Faith slowly took a step forward, still gazing at him with concentrated intensity, he met her halfway, never dropping eye contact. They did not embrace, but when Xander reached out, slowly fingering a lock of her hair, she did not pull away.