To The Journey
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This is an AU story.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Facing the Facts
"How am I doing, Doc?" Tom asked Voyager's EMH.
He played it off, but he knew he'd been in danger. In an attempt to collect plasma from a subspace phenomenon, he had managed to get caught up in said phenomenon and dragged into a strange inter-fold layer between space and subspace. Getting out had gotten him pretty banged up. It was also the most fun he'd had in a long time.
"Your hard head has protected you again, Lieutenant," the doctor said in his usual brusque fashion. "It was only a mild concussion."
"It was worth it, though," Tom laughed, exhilaration taking over now that he knew he was okay. "That was one wild ride."
"I'm sure it was. And it's a wonder you're not dead."
Tom almost rolled his eyes. Dealing with the Doctor's lectures on danger was one of the risks of doing something fun on Voyager. He knew what was coming next. Do you always have to take the most dangerous route to an end?
"People like you who court danger should be thrown into the brig."
Now that was unexpected. "Doc," he began, concerned, but the man rolled right over him.
"You never think of the consequences of your actions, the effect they might have on others. Oh no, live for the moment, take risks you shouldn't-" he broke off suddenly, realizing Tom was staring at him. "I'm sorry."
Forget that. It looked like there might be a serious problem, and for all Tom's brash exterior he wouldn't make a friend go through a hard time alone. "Are you all right?"
"It's my family."
Tom figured he should have known. He knew the Doctor had created a family on the holodeck, and according to B'Elanna she had added some 'random elements' to the program that the man might not have been prepared for.
"My daughter Belle had an accident. She's a child who tends to take risks."
A small smile played on Tom's lips at the thought of the doctor being an overprotective father, but it was instantly erased by his next words. "She's going to die."
For the second time in his life, he found himself facing a grieving parent with no idea what to say. He couldn't hold this man like he had held Tasha, the only good he'd been able to do for her. "I'm so sorry," were the words through his lips, but it felt so inadequate
"I'll be all right," the Doctor said with a sudden almost cheerful nonchalance. "I shut down the program. I'm not going back."
Tom frowned. "Maybe you should think about that, Doc."
The facade faded away almost instantly. The man's voice was a whisper, choked with tears he wouldn't shed in front of Tom. "I couldn't begin to face it. It was too difficult."
"I guess all of us would avoid that kind of pain if we could, but most people don't have that choice."
"Well fortunately I do." The Doctor seemed unperturbed by Tom's point.
Tom didn't have a way to argue with that. He remembered Tasha's tears soaking through his coat. She certainly wouldn't have chosen that pain if she'd had the choice - would she?
"Do you ever wish it had never happened? That you'd never been pregnant or had your daughter?"
"In a moment, sure. But seriously? No. I loved Eva, and as hard as it is for me to live without her, I can't imagine what it would be like to never have had her."
"Is it so fortunate?" he asked, her words still running through his mind. "You created that program so you could experience what it's like to have a family. The good times and the bad. You can't have one without the other."
"I fail to see why not."
"Well, think about what's happened to us here on Voyager. Everyone left people behind, and everyone suffered a loss, but look how it's brought us all closer together. We found support here, and friendship, and we've become a family in part because of the pain we shared."
He knew he was starting to get through. But there was more he had to say, more that came to mind even as he spoke. He remembered how much Tasha had been hurting. She had tucked the pain away and carried it for years, trying not to let it hurt her even as it burned beneath the surface, and it had hurt all the more when it had finally been triggered. He couldn't let that happen again, not to his friend.
"If you turn your back on this program you'll always be stuck at this point," he continued softly. "You'll never have the chance to say goodbye to your daughter, or to be there for your wife and son when they need you, and you'll be cheating yourself of the chance to have their love and support. In the long run you'll miss the whole point of what it means to have a family."
Tears welled up behind his eyes and he forced them back as he turned and left Sickbay. Only when he was in his quarters did he allow himself to shed a few tears.
Tasha - dear Tasha - she never had that choice. She had to go through losing her child alone. She didn't have a family to support her through that awful time. She didn't have any shoulders to lean on.
Even though Tasha was very much like another older sister, he'd always been protective of her. He knew how much she'd seen and been through, and how hard it was sometimes for her just to handle a normal life with such an abnormal, horrible past always in the back of her mind. He knew that she lived every day with the pain of everything she'd gone through, but especially of being a mother without her child, and would for the rest of her life.
And so will the Doc. But we can help him. His family isn't just that program.
"Paris to Janeway."
"Janeway here. How are you, Lieutenant?"
"I'm fine. Listen, can you call a senior staff meeting? Everyone but the Doctor."
A pause. Then her voice came through the line. "What?"
"I'll explain everything at the meeting. I promise. Please, just trust me. It's important."
He didn't use that tone very often, and he knew she would know to take it seriously. "All right. Briefing room, fifteen minutes."
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"Captain," Harry Kim asked, "what's this meeting about?"
"I wish I knew," she said ruefully. "Tom?"
"I have to tell you all something," he said softly. "It's about the Doctor."
"What about him?" B'Elanna Torres asked. "Is something wrong with his program?"
"Not exactly. You all know about his family?"
A chorus of nods and murmurs of affirmation followed. The Doctor had told most of the senior staff himself, and those he hadn't had been told by someone else. It was impossible to keep a secret on a ship Voyager's size.
"His daughter had an accident. I don't know the details but -" Tom swallowed back the lump in his throat. "She died about ten minutes ago." He had checked the holodeck files for her condition.
The room erupted in shocked exclamations. Kes, the young Delta Quadrant native woman who had become the Doctor's medical assistant, began to cry.
"He said he'd finished the program," she choked out. "I didn't realize anything was wrong."
"It's all right." Tom placed a comforting hand on Kes' shoulder. "I only knew something was off because he snapped at me over nothing. More than usual."
"Is there anything we can do for him?" Neelix asked. He took his self-appointed job as Morale Officer very seriously.
"On Earth, it's traditional for friends to visit a grieving family with food," Janeway suggested. "Obviously it would have to be holographic food, but it might be nice for us to make that gesture."
"Agreed," Tom said softly. "Nothing fancy, and no trying to cheer anyone up." This was said while looking at Neelix out of the corner of his eye. The small man always meant well, but sometimes wasn't entirely sure where the lines should be drawn. "Just a gesture of friendship and an offer of condolences."
Everyone nodded and murmured agreement.
"B'Elanna, check the holodeck logs.," the Captain ordered. "Where's the Doctor now?"
She consulted a screen. "You mean in his holodeck world? Still in the hospital."
"Good. Let's go."
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The Doctor - Kenneth, they called him in this world - guided his wife out of the hovercar. She seemed almost delirious, barely aware of where she was. Not that he was doing so much better. He had to force himself to stay strong for Jeffery and Charlene, but that didn't make it easy.
He entered the front door and stopped dead. Eight people were sitting in his living room.
"What -?"
Janeway stood and approached him. "We're here for you," she said simply, laying a hand on his shoulder. "We want you to know that."
Something hit him in the chest. He looked down and saw Kes wrapped around him. "Oh, Doctor, I'm so sorry."
Then he was swarmed by the others, gentle pats on his back and grips on his hands, and they all told him how sorry they were. He felt emotion welling up in him, and for the second time in as many hours he began to cry.
Strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and he was drawn into an embrace. He didn't know who it was and barely cared. He just cried, appreciating having someone to lean on instead of being the person his wife and son were leaning on.
"Feel better?" said a soft voice as his sobs eased.
"Mr. Paris!" He started to pull away, but Tom's arm didn't leave his shoulders.
"Don't worry about it," he said softly. "I get it."
"You 'get' what, exactly?"
"That you need a shoulder to cry on." He began to rub gentle circles on his friend's back. "That you're hurting."
"Unless your medical history is incomplete, you've never been through anything like this. How could you know?"
"Not me," he replied, unfazed. "I don't know how you feel, and I'd never pretend to. But I do know you're in pain, and I know you need support." He drew a deep breath before deciding to put it all out there. "My cousin. She went through the same thing."
For the first time, he had the Doctor's attention. "Really?"
"Yes. And it hurt her as much as it's hurting you now. And that's how I know." He embraced the holographic man again. "I'm here for you, Doc."
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"Hey."
"What can I do for you, Mr. Paris?"
"That was my question for you."
The Doctor had been given two days of bereavement leave to spend with his family. On his first day back at work, he'd found Tom standing in his sickbay.
"The last two days were for me to get my life back in order. Now -"
"Doc, please. This isn't just going to go away."
"What do you want from me?"
"From you? Nothing. I just want you to understand that if you need anything, anything at all just give me a call."
"I never did ask. Was it you who organized everyone to bring food?"
"Yeah," he admitted softly. "I didn't want you going through that alone." He gave one of his devil-may-care grins. "I gotta get to the bridge."
"Mr. Paris?"
The pilot stopped and turned. "Yeah?"
"Thank you."
I alluded to this chapter way back in Perfectly Logical. It's almost entirely based on the episode Real Life.
Please review.