Ren Note: Alright wee lads and lassies! Here's the next chapter ready (hopefully) for your enjoyment. I noticed when I went to read through 22 and 23 that when I edited things with Grammarly a few places went wonky and were missing words. I'll fix them, I assure you... but for now I'm just kind of plugging ahead. I'd like to have this story finished by June 2018. I'll be going through fixing errors after that; I cannae be bothered to do it while the creativity is flowing. I've learned that I edit better after I've had some distance. I read this chapter at least ten times so hopefully -Grammarly willing- it'll be a smooth read. There's just only so many times I can trick my brain with different fonts/sizes before it all feels the same. R&R. Enjoy.
Ren had spent all morning with Kenta, Kurenai, and Mirai. Ever since her return the five of them spent as much time together as possible. She had learned that Kurenai was a widow and an ex-kunoichi. She hated to admit it but she actually liked Kurenai; her motherly aura was soothing and once she got to know her it became obvious that she still loved her deceased husband dearly. Mirai was very outspoken; several times she and Kenta argued over toys or the way they were playing but the two of them were always able to work it out, with a little help from Ren and Kurenai.
A mirthless smile formed on her face as she wondered why children could forgive so easily but adults couldn't. Kenta was down for a nap and it left Ren with more time than she had cared to have. The idea to find Gaara had come to her but she quickly dismissed it; after her first night home she hadn't dared reach out to him. He hadn't visited her since then either. It was funny how as much as things changed, they also stayed the same.
The foreign shinobi and their Kages would be leaving within a few days. She wondered if she should visit Lee again; he had seemed very excited to see her but she wasn't able to fully return his happiness. "No," she whispered to herself as she walked down the long hallway with her fingers brushing against the sandstone wall. As much as she loved Lee she felt guilty that he had been injured and even guiltier that she wasn't able to return his cheer. She would wait to see him until other people were present. TenTen was with him and that left her out of the question.
Takara had been spending a lot of time with the Leaf Shinobi known as Shino; she was the next person Ren considered visiting. She had befriended Kabuto before his death and Ren desperately wanted something to hold on to. A soft sigh escaped her lips. She had the feeling there was something blooming between the two of them and she wouldn't act as a blockade to someone else's happiness.
Even Sai -stoic bastard with his false smiles- seemed to have found someone to talk to. Ren had passed by the beauty known as Sato Ko once when she was in the infirmary. Apparently, she had something to offer the man because after the first few days home he was always with her. Perhaps it wasn't a romance blooming but something was.
Everyone seemed so happy now that Tsukuda was dead. Ren couldn't force herself to proceed further down the hall; she needed a moment to catch her breath; she couldn't breathe. As she pressed her back against the cold wall she stared up at the ceiling. Her home didn't feel like home any longer. Part of her wanted to grab Kenta and flee; it would be easier than dealing with all the false smiles and worried glances. It could be just her and her children; they could be happy.
She almost turned back to Kenta's room as soon as she pushed herself off the wall. It was a foolish thought that she could never make a reality. Small flutters made her gasp as her hand rested on her abdomen. Her belly had grown since she had first met Ari; it was a shame she couldn't be here to feel it now. They were still small but the two of them together made it noticeable that she was pregnant if she wore tight clothes; at least in her eyes. "We'll be fine," she told them as she affectionately rubbed her fingertips against their current home.
"I'm glad you changed your mind," Sasuke told her as he approached her.
He wasn't on her list of people she wanted to see. A deep set frown formed on her lips and she shook her head at him. "What are you doing here?" Her voice was low and almost hiss-like; it surprised her.
"I came to talk to you and Gaara-san," Sasuke informed her with a brow quirked.
"His office is down the other hall," she told him flatly. She couldn't help but be angry with him; he had abandoned her, made up with Hinata like it was nothing, and then had the gall to show up in her husband's home unannounced.
"That's what that old maid said," he told her with a shrug.
"Then why are you down this hall," she asked in exasperation.
"She also said you were this way. To be honest I'd rather not face your husband alone. It'd hurt you if I hurt him."
The look in Sasuke's ebony eye told her that he wasn't joking. "I'm not currently on speaking terms with him," she admitted weakly. "I'm sure you'd have better luck without me."
"Too bad," he said as he grabbed her hand, automatically linking his fingers in hers so she couldn't pull free.
"Sasuke, let go," she begged as she dug her heels into the floor. "He wants nothing to do with me."
Sasuke's steps halted but his grip on her hand remained. "What?"
"He's not leaving me but he doesn't want anything to do with me," she repeated. "I'm going about my life and he's going about his right now. He doesn't want to see me." It took everything not to cry in frustration. The cause of her misery was right there in front of her…. And now he was hugging her? She blinked rapidly to force her tears back into her eyes and stared at the dark fabric in front of her nose.
She almost melted into him. His warmth surrounded her and his scent filled her nose as his arms held her tightly against him. It was a feeling she had wanted so desperately; he was a familiar refuge. How pathetic that comfort was so out of her reach. It took her a few moments but she remembered that this wasn't right. With a deep breath -a selfish wish to hold onto his scent for comfort- she pushed Sasuke back away from her and told him, "Go see Gaara by yourself."
Sasuke seemed to be shocked by her response; Ren was able to walk away from him and out the front door of the Kazekage manor. She kept her head down as she rushed through the city and up onto the wall surrounding it. Shinobi were standing guard, as usual, but none of them seemed to think anything of her being up there.
As she stared out into the seemingly endless desert outside the wall, she wondered how easy it would be to jump. The height would be enough to-. Her thoughts halted as she felt the flutters again; it wasn't just her life she would be ending. She lowered herself to the ground and sat with her back against the wall. Never in her life had she wanted Kabuto to be there more. In the past, even when she argued with Gaara, she always had her angel to rely on. He would listen to her rant without interrupting or telling her she was wrong until after she had finished. He was her voice of reason in those moments. She loved her friend dearly; knowing he would never be by her side again made silent tears fall down her face.
She didn't care what Sasuke was talking to Gaara about. So what if Gaara decided he didn't want to be with her after all. Nothing mattered anymore… And so she cried silently to herself until the sun disappeared behind the wall.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Ren-sama, we missed you at dinner."
"Kenta-sama has retired for the night, Ren-sama."
"Can I get you anything, Ren-sama?"
She simply nodded and shook her head at the appropriate times. All she wanted was to be left alone. The maids at the manor didn't know how depressed she was; they were blinded by how happy they were to have her home. It wasn't their fault but she was too exhausted for formalities. Unfortunately, her stomach had other plans; it growled loudly when she was halfway to her room. "Fine," she murmured as she turned on her heels and made her way to the kitchen.
"Ah! Ren-chan," the silver-haired Hokage called to her as she entered the room. It should have been empty; fate was cruel. "I was wondering if I would get the chance to talk to you alone. You are a hard woman to track down." He chuckled and his eyes crinkled.
She froze halfway to the fridge. How was she supposed to respond to that? Quickly she forced herself to recover and made her way to the fridge. "It's nice to see you again, Hokage-dono," she told him with fake cheer as she grabbed her plate; at some point when she was feeling more agreeable she would thank her maids for always taking care of her needs when she didn't.
If her false smile bothered Kakashi he didn't show it as he rubbed his calloused fingertips along the rim of his teacup. "Are you glad to be home?"
She used the time putting her plate in the microwave to delay answering him. There were many reasons she had wanted to come home but the truth was reality was far more lackluster. "It's better than being tortured and used," she finally responded flatly. Lies were something she didn't have the energy to bother with.
"I was afraid that was the case. Gaara's been working an awful lot since you returned. Are the two of you fighting," Kakashi questioned with his head tilted to the side.
"Fighting? No," she shook her head and turned her back to Kakashi again. "We're just taking things one day at a time." Kakashi hummed but Ren refused to look at him. "That wasn't what you wanted to know," Ren told him as the microwave went off.
"No, it wasn't," he admitted. No more words were said until Ren was sitting at the table in front of him with her chopsticks in hand. "Tea," he asked as he stood up.
"Sure," she said with a weak smile.
"I heard a lot of different things about Tsukuda, Orochimaru, and experiments," Kakashi began. He poured her a cup of tea and returned to the table. "Some of those were things I knew, others not so much. I also heard that Tsukuda had told you something that you had planned to keep to yourself."
Ren suddenly felt like she was being scrutinized. Forcefully she swallowed the mouthful of rice she had shoved into her mouth and downed a sip of tea. "Gaara told you already," Ren murmured with her brows furrowed.
"Yes he did but I'd like to hear the details from you."
"There's nothing to tell," she stated flatly before biting her lip. "I was getting on Michio's nerves. He told me he inseminated me with Uchiha Itachi's sperm. I honestly believe he wanted me to run off to Sasuke and tell him. It'd hurt Sasuke and would have driven a wedge between us. I do not believe he was being honest."
"But you still have doubts," Kakashi pointed out.
"Wouldn't you," she asked harshly. "Most the time I had no control over what was done to me. I believe he was lying but there were times when I believed he was telling the truth and he wasn't. I didn't know Tsukuda Michio as well as everyone seems to think. I put on an act as much as he did. If you'll excuse me," she murmured as she stood up.
"We could find out without Sasuke ever having to know," Kakashi told her with amusement gleaming in his dark eyes.
"You're his sensei. There's no way in hell you would keep it from him. You knowing means he already knows. Yet another person I've unwillingly hurt." She didn't wait to hear his response before she stormed out of the kitchen; most of her food was left untouched.
"Is she always so hostile," Kakashi asked the figure hidden in the rafters.
"No," Gaara muttered as he dropped down to the floor. "Only when she feels wronged."
"I didn't do anything," Kakashi chuckled.
"Guilty by association," the Kazekage explained.
XXXXXXXXXX
During Kenta's naptime, Ren snuck through the halls to the guest room Kabuto had called home. She felt like she was violating his privacy and most of her didn't want to see his belongings but she needed to. With her breath held she opened the door and slipped in as quickly as possible; the last thing she wanted to do was explain herself to someone else.
Kabuto's room was as immaculate as ever; books were all on their shelves except for a few on his desk. There was no trash in the bin or clothes in the hamper. A sad smile formed on her lips as she brushed her fingers against the bed's footboard. He should've been in this room reading. Tears formed in her eyes and it took everything she had not to begin sobbing as they streamed down her cheeks.
When she entered the room she didn't know what she had expected to find but the memories of him flooded her instantly. The room had his earthy scent everywhere. Her body went into autopilot when she stepped deeper into the room and began scanning book titles in the bookcase. He had kept them in alphabetical order and divided by genre. "Thank you for unintentionally making this easier," she told him even though he would never hear.
The books she was looking for were about basic medical ninjutsu; she couldn't stand the thought of losing someone else because she was untrained. The idea had occurred to her that she could ask to go to The Hidden Leaf to train under Sakura but it was quickly dismissed; she couldn't be mad at Sakura -that would be hypocritical of her now- but the idea of being around her made her feel guilty. She wished desperately she had asked Kabuto to train her.
When she found three books related to what she wanted she pulled them off the shelf, flipping the books on either side of them down so she would remember exactly where they belonged. Her eyes scanned the room and fell on his desk; it faced a window and would allow natural light to read by. It felt wrong to sit in his chair at his desk but she wanted privacy and no one would think to bother her there.
Another idea struck her as she read through the first few pages of the introduction to the first book. Instantly she was on her feet, opening his closet, and pulling out one of his purple shirts. She slipped it over her head and returned to her seat; occasionally she would press the fabric to her nose and inhale deeply. It was stupid but she felt like Kabuto was almost right beside her, helping her learn.
XXXXXXXXXX
Sunagakure fell silent as the wee hours of the morning crept in. Ren had been spending all of her free time in Kabuto's room. Petty as it was she had even taken to spraying his clothes with his cologne. It had been less than twenty-four hours since she began her mission to learn medical ninjutsu but she already felt like she was making progress. She knew the basics of the basics from her time with Kabuto but seeing the words written out in front of her made them easier to follow.
It had been against her best judgment to turn the desk lamp on when the sun disappeared but she couldn't break away from the task she had given herself. This was a skill that took years to master but Ren was impatient; she wanted to get everything done as quickly as possible. After she learned medical ninjutsu she planned to write to Hyuga Hiashi to request a tutor be sent to Sunagakure so that she could improve her skills with her of these tasks would take physical practice, not just reading.
A knock on the door startled her and she smudged a blob of ink over the notes she had been taking. A light huff escaped her lips and she considered hiding rather than facing whoever was at the door. She couldn't allow herself to do so; someone could be searching for her because Kenta needed her. Silently she approached the door and opened it a crack. "Yes," she asked before she looked to see who was standing there.
"You should be in bed," Hinata told her softly.
"So should you," Ren responded; her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice.
"May I come in," her cousin asked quietly.
Ren hesitated for a moment before stepping to the side and pulling the door wide open. "How did you know where I was?"
"Byakugan," Hinata told her with a weak smile as Ren closed the door. "I came to ask for your side of the story. I love Sasuke but his way of fixing things is sex. I," she paused and looked at Ren with worry written all over her face, "I can't go back to Konohagakure without talking to you. Please, tell me your side of the story. Put my mind at ease."
Ren stared at Hinata with her brows furrowed. "I," she began as she looked around the room. Awkwardly she pulled the desk chair around to face the bed and offered Hinata a seat. "I don't know what I can say to make you feel better," she admitted as she sat on the edge of Kabuto's bed. "I don't love him," Ren finally said. "It was never about love. You just said sex is his way of fixing things… It wasn't so different for us. We were both stuck in a really bad place. He helped me feel safe. I," she tilted her head back and forth while biting her lip, "I guess I just offered him a way to relieve stress."
"Do you miss him," Hinata asked with her eyes cast down at her shoes.
"I do," Ren admitted weakly. "I spent a long time with him. Don't you miss your teammates after a long mission is over?"
"I never woke up in the middle of the night calling for Kiba-kun," Hinata countered.
Ren's body stiffened and she sighed loudly. "It was a traumatic experience. Sometimes, I'll admit, I wake up and look for him. Then I remember I'm home and go on about my life. The truth is we can't help it, Hinata. Our bond was a way to have control; it will take time."
"Thank you for telling me your side of things," Hinata stated as she stood up.
"Sit, Hinata," Ren ordered gently. To her surprise, Hinata did as she was told. "What we did was scummy but he really does love you. They threatened to capture you if he didn't cooperate. Every time we refused Tsukuda was throwing something in our faces. I know you're going to have a hard time trusting either of us, but I hope that in time you'll forgive us. We didn't do it to hurt you; we did it to keep our sanity. Sasuke also did it so that you didn't have to suffer like we did."
"Sasuke told me they had you trapped in genjutsus a lot," Hinata admitted.
"They did," Ren agreed with a nod. "They pinned me romantically with Sasuke every chance they got. I was afraid that if I didn't give in, eventually I would have no love left for Gaara at all. You aren't the only one who has been hurt. In the end, Sasuke and I hurt ourselves too."
Hinata's thistle white eyes stared directly into Ren's; everything the two of them felt was being shared in that look. "I forgive you," Hinata told her after what felt like an eternity, "I'll help you with the babies in any way I can, Ren-nee."
Ren smiled weakly and shook her head. "Just love them," she requested. "They didn't do anything wrong… so love them with everything you have and make sure you visit us often. I know it will be hard with the distance but Sasuke's their father. Legally you're their step-mother. I want these babies to know love. I think… that's what will keep them from being anything like Tsukuda wanted them to be."
"I'll do my best," Hinata told her with a small smile. "I'll let you get back to your reading. Thank you, again, for taking the time to explain things to me."
"No need," Ren told her as she raised her hand dismissively. "I don't want you and Sasuke to be miserable because of me."
"Do you think you deserve to be miserable," Hinata asked as she stood again.
"I deserve everything life throws at me," Ren replied flatly. "Goodnight, Hinata-imouto."
"Goodnight, Ren-nee," she sighed as she left the room.
Ren quickly returned the chair to its original position and got back to work; she needed to rewrite the notes she had accidentally ruined. The medical books around her were the best distraction she could give herself. With a soft sigh she wondered briefly what Kabuto would tell her at that moment; what was she doing so wrong that Gaara couldn't forgive her like Hinata had?
XXXXXXXXXX
The foreign shinobi had left; the previous night a big party was thrown in their honor. The Kazekage's wife was exhausted from pretending to be happy for so many hours around the large crowd of people. Kenta had cried so much when Kurenai and Mirai left; she had almost begged the two of them to stay for his sake. Life would continue to go on in Konohagakure just like it would in Sunagakure. Kenta would have to adjust to the change as much as she would; Ren missed her friends.
"Kenta-kun," Ren called out to the boy who was running around the yard with a toy man; he was pretending it was a shinobi leaping from tree limb to tree limb. "We should go inside to cool off for a little while. Would you like some milk and a story?"
Kenta kept playing for a few seconds more before he finally acknowledged that she had spoken. "Aa," he told her with a nod. "I pick?"
Ren nodded her head. Kenta hurried over to her and raised his arms above his head for her to pick him up. In a way, Ren wondered if he was taking advantage of her desire to hold him. With a quick shake of her head to dismiss the thought she hoisted the boy up onto her hip and began climbing the stairs. Off and on she had wondered if she should tell Kenta he was going to be a big brother; his leg being against her growing baby bump caused the question to resurface. "Would you like dango or anpan to go with your milk?"
"Dango, dango, dango," he exclaimed as he bounced up and down in Ren's arms.
Perhaps it was because she was so tired from her late night studying… but Ren suddenly felt like she needed a break. "Dango it is," she told him with a smile despite her irritation; her foul mood wasn't his fault. Kenta jabbered on and on about dango the entire walk to the kitchen. She found it cutely annoying; he seemed to be more excited about the sweet than he was about being around her. Nap time was just around the corner; she could have a moment of peace.
"Ren-chan! Kenta-kun," Kankuro called to them as they entered the kitchen. "How's my favorite little monster doing today?"
Ren opened her mouth to scold Kankuro but Kenta raised his hands up like claws and growled like an animal at Kankuro. "Go get him," Ren told him as she put him down.
The moment his feet touched the floor he was running at his uncle, pretending to bite his knees. "Oh no," Kankuro exclaimed, "the ankle biter has got me!"
Kenta and Kankuro were both laughing; Ren smiled. As the two of them rough housed in the kitchen she poured a glass of milk for each boy and put two skewers of homemade dango on a plate before taking the snack to the table. "Alright, gentlemen," she told them in the most serious voice she could manage; it was the silliest thing she had ever seen Kankuro do. "Snack time!"
Kankuro picked Kenta up and pretended to nibble his neck causing him to squeal; that was when Ren realized he wasn't wearing his face paint. "I'm going to eat it all after I eat you," Kankuro teased him. The two of them laughed even after Kankuro sat Kenta down in his highchair. As soon as Kenta grabbed one of the dumplings in his pudgy little hands, Kankuro turned to his mother. "Hey, Ren," he called to her gently.
She was watching the two of them from the sink where she was washing up the dishes from their breakfast and dango prep. "Un?"
"I can get Kenta ready for his nap. Maybe you should go rest," he suggested.
Her brows furrowed and she tilted her head to the side. "I'm fine, Kankuro," she told him gently.
"Alright, then I'm going to be selfish and tell you that it's my day to take care of Kenta because we have some kick-ass new ninja skills to practice."
"Yeah," Kenta exclaimed with his mouth full of dango.
"Don't talk with your mouth full, Kenta-kun," she reprimanded softly, "And watch your mouth around my son, Kankuro." She gave the elder boy a closed mouth smile as a threat. Kankuro's Adam's apple bobbed up and down so she assumed the threat was received. "Alright," she relented as she stared at them. "But! If his schedule gets messed up, I'm not the one who's going to pay for it."
"Yay," Kenta shouted happily.
"Just leave it to me, Ren," Kankuro told her with a cheeky grin.
"Have fun," she told Kenta as she kissed the top of his head. "I'll be around here somewhere if you need me." It almost felt foolish to leave her son with Kankuro but she knew he was capable of babysitting. "Thank you," she mouthed to Kankuro. He nodded his head.
With painful slowness she walked out of the room, stopping just before she opened the door to look at the two of them again. Kankuro gave her a thumbs up and nodded his head toward the door. Now that she had the day free; she had to do something to keep her mind occupied. As quietly as possible, Ren started towards Kabuto's room.
XXXXXXXXXX
Ren's eyes flew open the second she felt a warm hand on her shoulder. Groggily she sat up and turned with bleary eyes to stare at the culprit. "Gaara?" She had passed out at Kabuto's desk wearing his shirt with a medical book wide open and a pen in her hand; she hadn't meant to fall asleep.
"What are you doing sleeping in here," he asked her flatly.
"I didn't mean to," she murmured as she rubbed the crust from her eyelashes. "I was reading and the next thing I knew I woke up."
"I see," he told her. He was scrutinizing her like an ant under a magnifying glass. "How long have you been in here," he asked suddenly.
"A-ano," she muttered as she turned to stare at the clock. Her face paled instantly. "S-six hours," came her faint response, "more or less. What are you doing here?"
"I tucked Kenta in when Kankuro was struggling to get him to settle down," Gaara explained, "He told me he hadn't seen you since afternoon snack time. It didn't take long to find you. Hinata had mentioned this was where she found you a few nights ago."
Ren's heart dropped. "I'm sorry you had to relieve Kankuro. He was supposed to come find me if he needed me," she sighed.
"That's not the problem, Ren," he chided, "The problem is that you're passed out at a desk."
"I guess I was more tired than I thought," she told him with a weak smile.
"You're pregnant," Gaara reminded her. "You should listen to your body. If it needs rest, rest in your bed."
Her eyes focused on the floor. She was torn between happiness because he cared and sorrow because she didn't understand why he suddenly did. "I'm fine," she told him with a light shrug.
"Clearly not. People will begin to talk if you fall asleep in random places all the time," he countered.
Her heart clenched. "That's right," she responded with a mirthless chuckle, "the world isn't supposed to know that we aren't getting along right now."
"That's not what I meant," he grunted out as he picked her up bridal style.
"Gaara," she shouted, "Put me down!"
"No," he told her as his grip on her tightened. He carried her through the bedroom and out into the hall. "You are going to bed," he ordered.
"I am perfectly capable of getting myself to bed," she pleaded. Being so close to him -in his warm embrace- made her heart hurt. She wanted him to show her affection but he was doing so out of responsibility, not love.
"Clearly you aren't," he retorted as soon as he opened the door to the guest room she was using. He had her on the bed within a few seconds of the door closing behind them.
"You can quit pretending to be concerned now," she murmured as she stared up at his seafoam orbs. "Just stick around five minutes and leave. That should be sufficient for keeping up with appearances." Her voice came out cold as she fought to control her emotions.
"Baka," Gaara growled as he glared at her. "You're my wife and it is my job to make sure you are taken care of."
Her heart shattered with that one sentence. "I hereby relieve you of that job," she choked out.
"That wasn't how I meant it," he told her with a sigh as he sat beside her. "I love you. I do not wish to see you in pain."
"Avoiding me makes it easy not to see, doesn't it," she retorted. It felt weird to be laying down when he was sitting up but her body was too tired to put in the effort to sit.
"Yes," he admitted and then shook his head, "No. I don't know." He dropped his head into his hands and raked his fingers through his crimson locks. "I don't know how to handle any of this."
"You think I do," she asked skeptically. Her own fingers were raised to be tangled within her raven hair. "I don't know what to say to you to make it better. I can't take it back. I wish you'd either forgive me or leave me because this silent treatment thing is getting us nowhere. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in limbo while I wait for you to figure out what you want."
"I'm not ready to forgive you," he told her weakly.
"Of course you aren't. You've been ignoring my existence. You… are always like this. You get mad at me and then you pretend I don't exist until you can't anymore. I'm supposed to sit around here and wait for you to talk to me, right? Kami knows you're always busy whenever I'd show up. I give you space but that just seems to make it worse. I don't know what you want from me, Gaara." Her rampage left her short of breath; she was panting while fighting not to cry.
A growl erupted from low in his throat and his face was two inches away from hers in an instant. She swallowed to keep from gasping. Their eyes were locked for several seconds then his mouth pressed against hers. Confusion set in as he brushed his lips against hers over and over again. She opened her mouth to ask what he was doing but his tongue darted between her lips and the words halted. Before she knew what she was doing she was kissing him back with her arms around his neck.
"I just need time," he murmured against her lips before trailing kisses along her jawline.
"Then take time but stop shutting me out," she pleaded.
He didn't respond; instead, he bit down on her neck lightly causing her to yelp in surprise. Her body was reacting of its own accord but she found herself not caring as much as she probably should have. Her fingers tangled in his hair at the base of his neck as she bit her lip. His hands glided to her hips once he had settled himself between her legs. Heat pooled in her abdomen and she arched up into him. They were clothed but she could feel him.
They ground against each other, moaning into each other's mouths… until Gaara's hand brushed against her stomach. He was untangling himself from her as quickly as he could without hurting her. "I can't," he told her as he stood next to her; he had gotten completely off the bed.
Ren closed her eyes and gave a false smile. "I just want you in my life, Gaara. We don't have to have sex."
He stared at her with his non-existent brows furrowed; it was painfully obvious that he was struggling to sort through his thoughts. "We'll have lunch together tomorrow," he offered.
"Alright," she nodded in agreement. "I'll see you tomorrow for lunch."
"Goodnight, Ren," he told her as he began to back away from the bed.
"Goodnight, Gaara," she responded just before he opened the bedroom door. Her chest heaved as she fought to keep calm. Nothing was going to change.
XXXXXXXXXX
When Ren awoke her chest still felt heavy, nausea made the idea of food unappealing, and she kept getting dizzy spells. Kenta was in Kankuro's care again; the puppeteer had taken one look at her and sent her back to bed. She felt like she was being a terrible mother by laying around. She wished she had stopped by Kabuto's room to grab a book before she had slid out of her pants and into the sheets; a distraction would have made this more bearable!
A knock on the door drew her attention away from her silent brooding. "J-Just a minute," she called to whoever was at the door. Quickly she climbed out of bed and pulled her pants back on. "Sorry to keep you waiting," she said as she swung the door open.
"That's alright," Temari told her with a small smile. "I heard you aren't feeling well. I'm here to escort you to the hospital. No, you don't get a say. I'm worried about you and will carry you kicking and screaming if I have to."
"Th-that's unnecessary," Ren told her quickly. "Let me grab my shoes." She was far too tired to argue with Temari; the dizzy spells made her worried too.
Now Ren was sitting in an exam room with Temari waiting outside. The doctor had been in twice since she arrived; once to make sure two heartbeats could be located and once to check her blood pressure for the third time. They were running tests on her bodily fluids and it seemed to be taking forever. She wished she had asked Temari to come back here with her.
The diagrams on the white walls had only been entertaining for a short time. To her amusement one of them was outdated. When her doctor first entered the room she almost told him as much but she quickly lost her nerve; it was possible that she was remembering things wrong. Now her attention was on a stupid magazine filled with articles about fashion, celebrities, and the latest trends. Her brain cells were committing suicide one by one. Honestly, why would anyone willingly read such garbage? Ren was sure that the people writing these articles couldn't have believed what they were saying either.
"Ten ways to lose weight without working out," she read one headline aloud and groaned. The only way anyone lost weight and kept it off was by eating healthy and exercising. There wasn't some miracle fat eraser. A blush crept onto her cheeks as she stared at the women on the page. They hadn't been overly heavy, to begin with and their after pictures made them look too in shape not to have been working out.
Their figures were curvy; big breasts, flat stomachs, and wide hips. For a brief moment, Ren glanced down at her own body. Her chest was swollen from pregnancy but it had shrunk during her training for ANBU, her abdomen had a little bulge to it, and her hips were narrow. Was it any wonder Gaara wasn't interested? He had seen what the other villages had to offer in terms of women; she felt like she was lacking.
Three knocks echoed through the room and Ren shoved the magazine back in its place as the doctor came in. "Sabaku-sama," the man addressed her as he took his seat on the rolling stool in front of her. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is your twins are doing just fine. They measure where they should be for sixteen weeks along. The bad news is that your blood pressure is high.
"Pregnancies with someone other than who fathered your first always have this risk. No one knows why that's the case but it is what it is. I'd like for you to start taking medicine for it; don't worry, what I'm giving you will not affect your babies. I want you on a low sodium diet and avoiding stress. I don't want to worry you but this could lead to preeclampsia or eclampsia if we don't get this under control. I don't want to have to put you on bedrest, but it's something we may have to do later. I'd like to see you back again in two weeks. If something happens before then or you aren't feeling better in a week, come in sooner."
Ren closed her eyes while she listened to him explain the situation. "I'll do my best," she promised.
"Oh, I almost forgot," he told her as he flipped through her file. "I'm worried about your weight. Your BMI is quite far below average. I know that you were held captive for quite a while but it would be beneficial for you to increase your calorie intake twice as much as normal."
"I've been struggling with nausea a lot for the past three months," she explained to him. "My captor was worried about my weight too. He did try to keep me healthy."
"Then perhaps some medication for nausea as well? It will make you tired but it should help you keep food down. You can also try ginger. I'll write the prescription but it's up to you to figure out which route works best for you. I'd like to see you gain five pounds in two weeks. I know that sounds like a lot."
"It really does," she laughed weakly. "Thank you. I suppose I'll see you in two weeks."
"Yes, you will. Here's your paperwork," he told her as he handed her a few sheets of paper. "The check-out is in the same place it's always been, down the hall to the right. They'll schedule your next appointment and I'll have your prescriptions wrote up before you leave."
Ren nodded and waited until he left the room to sigh. She had wanted to ask him how she was supposed to avoid stress when her life was in shambles. With her hands on the table for support she slipped her shoes back on; they had wanted to make sure she wasn't swollen. This wasn't how she expected her pregnancy to go. "Sixteen weeks into this and you two are already taking control of my life," she told her belly with a faint laugh. "With any luck, Temari-obaasan isn't going to be upset this took so long or ask questions."
In a way, she felt crazy for talking to the two little beings inside her but she knew they could hear her and that they were alive. If nothing else, she felt less alone this way. They couldn't decide to up and leave her at any moment. Angst began to claim her as she walked to the checkout; not knowing what the future held was slowly killing her.
XXXXXXXXXX
The paperwork from the doctor should have been on her dresser; she knew that was where she left it! Ren was on her hands and knees searching under furniture for the summary of her visit. She couldn't remember how many calories she was supposed to eat extra and knew he had written an actual number on there. "It's gone," she whimpered to herself as she leaned back to plant her butt on the floor. She wanted to cry.
The door opened and Temari was already talking before she had even entered the room. "Hey, Ren, I came to check on y-" Her words halted when she noticed Ren's location. "Why are you sitting on the floor?"
"I was looking for the papers I got from the doctor yesterday," she explained with a sigh. "I can't find them anywhere."
"Oh," Temari responded. "I think I saw Gaara in here earlier. Maybe he has them?"
"He was in here," Ren asked as she got to her feet.
"Yea, for a few minutes early this morning. I was on my way out so I didn't have time to talk to him. I love being home but I hate wall duty," she told her with a faint laugh.
"I understand what you mean. It's a lot of time in the sun. I need to get those papers back. I can't remember everything I was told," Ren explained.
"I can go get them for you, if you want," Temari offered. "You aren't supposed to be stressed and I know he stresses you."
"When did love become so stressful anyway," Ren asked weakly.
"When Gaara stopped feeling like he could protect you from pain," Temari pointed out. "He had decided Kenta was going to be an only child so that you didn't have to go through labor again. You've been kidnapped twice. It weighs on him."
Ren nodded weakly. "Him ignoring me doesn't make it any better. Plus that's a decision that should have been made together. I missed lunch with him yesterday because of all the tests that doctor did."
"He knows," Temari told her with a small smile. "I'd warned him before I came to get you that I was taking you."
"Ah," was all Ren could say.
"I'll go get the papers," Temari told her as she turned to leave the room.
"No, I'll get them. I'm sure he's got a lot of questions to ask anyway." Ren offered a small smile and pulled an extra shirt on over her tunic. It was silly but she was trying to hide her baby bump to keep Gaara from freaking out on her… again.
"Do you want me to go with you," Temari asked.
"No. I'll be okay." Ren paused for a moment to put her hair in a low ponytail. "Thank you for the offer."
"No problem. If you need me, I'll be in my room. I sweat a lot today. It's getting hotter out there." Temari left the room and Ren was alone once more.
Gaara had her paperwork? What was he going to do with it? She hoped he didn't destroy it. Her bottom lip was quickly clamped between her teeth; Gaara wouldn't do that. Her lip was released so that she could sigh. "Let's go see your step-dad," she told her belly. She wanted so desperately for Gaara to accept them; they may not be his by blood but he was her husband and would be a constant in their lives. Kami knew she hadn't heard from Sasuke since he left; Gaara was all they had. She could admit that she loved them already… Hopefully, he would too, eventually.
XXXXXXXXXX
Ren pressed her forehead against the large wooden door standing between her and her husband. It should have been so simple to just walk in and ask him for her paperwork but this was as far as she had managed to get. The stairs had been awful; they never were so hard to climb when she was pregnant with Kenta. All she had to do was knock and open the door; just tap her knuckles against the wood and go. With a soft sigh she stepped back from the door; what if he was mad at her for interrupting him?
Frustration boiled inside of her as she looked between the door and the stairs; tiny flutters drew her attention away from both. "It's for you two," she reminded herself quietly. If nothing else, during the course of her pregnancy thus far they seemed to give her motivation. It was nice not being alone. Quickly she wrapped her knuckles on the wooden door and opened it before she could change her mind.
"Gaara do you have my pa-" her sentence went unfinished as she noticed he wasn't there. Byakugan would've prevented all of that stupidity she had put herself through. With a sigh she approached his desk and bit her lip; she wasn't the kazekage so searching it felt like a violation but she really did need those papers back.
Impulse alone had her searching under scrolls and in desk drawers. She gave up once she had searched every space possible to no avail. "Damn it," she groaned as she began putting things back where they belonged. One of the scrolls came undone as she lifted it to return it to its place on the small shelf above the drawers. Honestly, she should have rolled it back up but there was a drawing poking out.
Without thinking about the consequences she pulled the scroll open the rest of the way, letting it's smooth handle slip through her fingertips as she did so. The diagrams were unlike anything she had ever seen before; lines were all connected with numbers and formulas written between them but she couldn't understand how they had been determined. With her head tilted sideways she read the notations made throughout the scroll. This would be for record keeping? A machine that displayed files without paper.
Intrigued as she was, it gave her an idea. Hastily she rolled the scroll neatly and placed it back where it belonged. She wasn't sure how long Gaara would be gone so she had to work quickly. With blank parchment and his pen, she began to write down the ideas for changes she had come up with during her time with Tsukuda.
The words flowed from her as she described the idea of a police force -it would replace the shinobi in the village-, a military force with optional timeframes of service -replacing shinobi outside the village-, and new jobs dedicated to research and development of improved ways of life. Gaara's scroll had mentioned communications, transportation, and technological advancements but Ren's was adding careers and hoping to improve morale. She jotted down every change her heart could come up with including improvements to the hospital that could potentially raise Sunagakure above Konohagakure.
As she read her work she smiled to herself; whether Gaara took her ideas and ran with them or not was his choice but now they had been shared. The moment the ink was dry she rolled the parchment and secured it with some twine; she hadn't signed it but she knew Gaara would recognize her handwriting easily.
With a sigh she basked in the feeling of accomplishment she suddenly had; the scroll was in the middle of his desk where it would be impossible to miss. A small smile formed on her lips as she stood from his chair; she wasn't sure when she had even sat down. "Well, that's that," she told her little ones as she placed her hands on her hips and started towards the door. She could hear voices outside but couldn't make out what they were saying; one was definitely Gaara's.
Ren forced herself out the door with a fake smile; in all honesty, she had every right to be in his office because she was his wife but she felt like a child who was about to be caught with their hand in the cookie jar. To her relief, Gaara and the female he was speaking with were still coming up the stairs. This worked out to her advantage. She propped herself up beside the door to wait like she had been there the entire time.
Her arms were crossed under her breasts and she closed her eyes to listen closely to the conversation. The woman was speaking too quietly to be heard. Part of Ren was jealous and frustrated because he was talking to another woman without any coldness in his voice. The things he was saying were work related -he was telling her the wall rotations- but the softness there… It made her heart hurt.
"Ren," Gaara asked as he turned towards his office.
"I'll get these papers to Baki," the young girl with long brown hair told him. She smiled brightly up at Ren's husband before bowing and heading back to the stairs.
"Did I interrupt," Ren asked flatly.
"No," he responded from his place five feet away from her.
"I just wanted the papers from my doctor's visit yesterday. Temari said you may have them," Ren explained without meeting his gaze. Why did the room suddenly feel colder? It was like there was a wall of ice between the two of them… and it was only getting thicker.
"I do," he told her with a nod.
"Can I have them," she asked quickly.
"They're back in your room. I was looking for you." Gaara crossed his arms over his chest and stared directly at her.
A lump formed in her throat and she had to force herself to swallow. "Oh," she sighed. "I guess I didn't have to climb all of these stairs then," she told him with a smile; she was trying to make the situation more humorous. Ari was like that at times; Ren admired her for it and now seemed to be taking the role for herself.
"I suppose not, but since you're here," Garra began as he nodded towards his office.
"A-actually," Ren murmured as she bit her lip, "I'd rather talk over dinner, okay?"
"This is important now," he told her flatly. "And it's a private matter."
She couldn't argue with him so she stood up from her slouching position against the wall. He stepped into his office and she followed directly behind him.
The moment the latch clicked he opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it again. Her brows furrowed as she stared at him. "I sent a bird to Konoha requesting any information about Sasuke's medical history."
"Do you really think they'll share that with you," she asked hesitantly. Her eyes were fixated on Gaara as he took a seat on the couch near his bookshelves. Inside she was relieved that he hadn't sat at his desk; she didn't want to be around when Gaara found her notes. The idea of him rejecting them all made her want to shred the parchment right then and there.
"You should sit," he told her. Against her better judgment, she lowered herself to the edge of the couch. Gaara turned to stare at her with his elbow against the back of the couch and his head resting against his closed hand. "I don't know that they will or won't. In my letter, I told Kakashi that it was important to your pregnancy. Were you going to tell me what you found out?"
Ren frowned at him and clenched the fabric of her shirt between her fingers. "You didn't even give me the chance," she told him harshly. "I'm fine, Gaara. I would have told you if you had let me."
"I didn't go in there with the intention of taking those papers," he stated as he sighed. "You were still asleep and I saw them on the dresser. May I blame curiosity?"
"No," she responded with a huff. Suddenly she remembered what she had done just moments before. Had she not read through his scroll? With her lip between her teeth, she shook her head. "I'm sorry. Yes, you can blame curiosity. I guess I'd be the same way."
"I already know you would be," he told her with a chuckle. "You should pay more attention to the order you put things back."
Her face flushed as she stared at Gaara doe-eyed. "A-an-ano," she began, "I was… I was just l-l-looking f-for my p-pa-papers." Her explanation was as shaken as she was internally. He was too perceptive for her good.
Gaara scooted closer to her and grabbed a lock of her hair gently. "I have nothing to hide," he told her honestly as he caressed the strands between his fingers. "Do you fear me," he asked suddenly.
Ren's breath hitched in her throat as she stared at him in confusion. It had been so long since he had asked her that question. Honestly, she believed that when she finally managed to return it after their fight that would be the end of it. Now her heart was beating rapidly and she felt unfocused. "I guess I still don't know you very well," came her response.
"You can ask me anything," he stated with a faint smile.
"If you love me, why don't you stick around when things get tough," she asked without thinking. In the past, her questions had been light and easy to answer. This one was so raw that it had taken everything she had to say it clearly without a stutter.
"I just need time to myself to process things. I can't always deal with everything all at once. It takes me time to figure out how I feel," he explained. "I don't want my negative emotions to harm you."
"They do though," she told him. There was another lump forming in her throat that she had to swallow or she would choke. "Ignoring me doesn't leave me feeling very good about myself. I understand that you need time to think but," she sighed, "if I'm given time to think I overthink. The more I think the more miserable I get. I don't expect you to forgive me or anything but I missed you so much and you haven't spent much time with me at all. I want to be able to show you that I still love you -that you're my one and only- but you throw up these walls and ignore my existence."
Gaara was silent. He was staring directly into her eyes as if he were trying to find all the answers to the universe in them. "I'm sorry," he finally murmured. "Perhaps talking to you without anger would be more helpful than being alone."
A small smile twitched at the corner of her lips but she wouldn't let it form. "I hope you aren't just telling me what I want to hear."
Gently Gaara pressed his lips to hers. Her eyes closed and her fingers were on his jawline by instinct. His kiss was tender and warm; there was no pressure for more than that behind it. When he broke their lips apart he stayed nose to nose with her and stared directly into her eyes. "I don't lie," he told her finally.
"I love you, Gaara," she whispered.
"And I love you," he responded before kissing her again.
These kisses meant so much more to her than the ones they had shared the night she fell asleep in Kabuto's room. This was sealing an agreement… a promise to try to be more open. She smiled gently into their kiss; soon she would have to leave him to his work but for now, she was content with his mouth on hers and his arms around her body.
Ren Note #2: Since this story is approaching its climax... I'm curious to know what questions you darlings would like to have answered. I have a list of them already. It's part of my writing process. I'm hoping you guys can add to the list so that I don't miss a single one.
Yours forever and always,
- Ren