Bitter-Sweet
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
A/N: This is chapter branched off due to requests. Hi Rei Eien, this chapter is about comforts being sought. :)
No matter how much she washed her hands, no matter what she used to disinfect it, she knows like no one else that her hands are stained with his blood. "Kaien." She whispered. He encouraged her to continue on with her training with Sui-Feng Taichou and then after she gets back to her own barracks, would drive her to practice further until she's just a step away from exhaustion. He said he didn't want a seated officer to slack in her zanjutsu. He and his wife Miyako never treated her any differently just because she's from a noble family. They were the two people who first accepted her in the squad other than their captain.
She remembered Ukitake Taichou's face after he lifted Kaien home. He was still coughing hard but he refused to let her help in carrying his body back to the barracks. He did not stop until he got to Kaien's quarters in the 13th Squad, the lieutenant's quarters and placed Kaien on his bed and covered him up with his blanket like he was tucking him to sleep. He merely offered a word of apology to her saying that he needs to report what happened directly to the Head Captain, given the hollow's abilities and a lieutenant's death. 'A lieutenant.' Ukitake Taichou said. 'As if placing Kaien in that generic term would make her forget who he is or make anyone forget who he is for this squad…' Everyone was crying. Gone was Miyako, the mother hen of the squad. Now, Kaien was gone too, everyone's big brother, her surrogate big brother for these past few years.
Despite all the words of comfort people offered her how she provided him a better death than the one the hollow would have given him and how she did her duty, she felt drained and tired. For once, she is contemplating the possibility of just going home, of quitting from the Gotei 13. Because no matter what they say, she killed him, his blood is on her hands. Despite her captain's message earlier that evening that she should go home, she had not. She asked someone to send a message home that she's fixing some things yet. Her father and her family who must have heard what happened by now did not push her to come home just yet. Thus, she remained here in her cramped room in the 13th squad barracks. She supposes she should be grateful that she's a seated officer because regular shinigami have shared quarters. She is grateful because right now, she didn't want anyone to see her. 'I'm a murderer…' She thought to herself once more as she went out of her room. She jumped onto the barracks roof to get some air and to stare at the now clear sky. It had been raining earlier and the tiles of the roof were damp but she didn't care as she still sat down. She drew her knees close to her and cried as she remembered everything that was good about Miyako and Kaien.
"Don't think I don't know that you are a silent competitor in the "Kiyone/ Sentaro-Notice Me Ukitake Taichou Game"!" Miyako teased her as Rukia prepared a special tea that her captain favors. Rukia blushed at that and did not say a word. "You do have a crush on him!" Miyako exclaimed as Rukia denied it frantically.
"I thought they said you were gifted! Why can't you even lift that sword short stuff?" Kaien teased. "Maybe, because I'VE BEEN SWINGING THE SWORD FOR THOUSANDS OF TIME AND YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME TO REPEAT IT!" She replied angrily. Instead of backing down as most people does when she shows her temper, he merely laughed and ruffled her hair. "Grrr…" Rukia growled in irritation, she did not like any mussing up her long hair.
Rukia watched Kaien and Miyako from the second floor office as they watched the sunset from the roof, Kaien held Miyako closer to him. She smiled as she watched the couple whisper to each other.
A hand patted her on her shoulder. "What do you want?" She asked sullenly, her face still buried on her knees. She did not have to ask who it was because she knows it could only be Byakuya. He did not say a word as he sat beside her. He tapped her shoulder again. She looked at him. "What?" She asked again. "Just know that I am here…" He said, not bothering to explain himself or to give her any words to placate her feelings. "You've heard?" She asked. "Yes, Yamamoto Soutaichou called for an emergency meeting earlier." He replied. "Did they tell you I killed him?" She asked. Byakuya shook his head. "It was necessary to…" Rukia grasped at his robes with both of her hands forcing him to face her. "I killed him. No matter what they say, I killed him. I wasn't strong enough to rescue him, to help him… and he still thanked me for saving him…" She cried.
Byakuya took a deep breath and held her. "I can offer you no words of comfort. I cannot say that I know how you feel in this situation. I can offer you no advice or words of wisdom in how to deal with your pain. But know that I too have lost people I care about and I can at least offer my presence and my shoulder for you to cry on." He told her extending his hand to her. She took it and he drew her in a tender embrace, which if she stops to think about it quite uncharacteristic for the nobleman. Rukia hugged him as she cried. He rubbed her back comfortingly as she cried her grief and guilt onto his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head, still trying to comfort her. His heart breaking with every sob she makes. He wished he could make her pain go away, make it his own just so she won't suffer this much.
Jushiro knocked on the Kyouraku manor and was led to Shunsui who was drinking sake by himself. Jushiro uncharacteristically took a swig. "Is Rukia home yet?" He asked. Shunsui shook his head. "She didn't want to come home yet." He answered. Jushiro nodded. "I'm sorry I was not able to protect her better. She shouldn't have to..." Jushiro said as he took another sip of sake. "No. No matter how much I protect her, no matter how much I shelter her. She chose to be a shinigami. I told her the dangers. I don't want her to experience this anymore than you do but she has to face it sometime. Because she will face it sometime." Shunsui answered equally uncharacteristic of his usually protective self. "Are you saying that it's okay that she had to kill Kaien?!" Jushiro exclaimed. "No, I'm saying she has to understand what being a shinigami is. If she wants to continue with it, it means she has what it takes. If she comes home and stays here. I'll be fine with it, too. It's just that I trust my daughter to be strong enough to bear it and fight on." Shunsui answered.
"It's my fault. I got an attack. She shouldn't have..." Jushiro protested. "Ju, Ru-chan will have hundreds, if not thousands of years as a shinigami. She will bear it. She has to bear it. Someday, I won't be there to protect her. Maybe I'm fighting somewhere else or I'm already dead. But she needs to be strong." Shunsui replied. Jushiro nodded and contented himself to sharing his memories of Kaien to his oldest friend as he drank sake and tried to deal with another mark of guilt in his long memory.