The Adventure of Chappy Rukia!
Disclaimer: I can honestly proclaim that Tite Kubo owns Bleach and will continue to do so for eternity!
Chappy: Crisis in Two Holes
…There comes a time when…Everyone at one time has…Time is something that…The journey of a thousand miles…You see kids, when a man and woman love each other…When life give you lemons…Life is like a boat…The Titanic sank in—
What the fuck is this?! Is this really what we're going to call the title of this chapter?! We're probably going to hell for this…wait, they might be cool with this in Japan! Someone please check…Oh…they're not cool with this either?…That's weird, normally this stuff is right up their alley.
Yeah, we're going to hell for this one…
-The Royal Palace-
Ichigo and Rukia sat on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.
Ichigo's suit had been torn and his combed hair had been ruffled, taking on its usual appearance. Rukia's eyeliner had run from water being carelessly splashed on her face and her lipstick had been smeared. As they continued to breathe calmly and stare above them, the pair couldn't help but smile a bit.
"You know, this isn't that bad." Rukia said aloud, "Considering it's my first time."
"This is your first too? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given your history," Ichigo replied.
"Having only experienced this kind of thing from the other side, it's actually not as horrible as people make it out to be," she answered with a nod.
Suddenly, gunshots rang out and people began screaming. The pair sat up abruptly and saw that an irritated gunman had fired at the ceiling in frustration.
"Shut the hell up!" he shouted, pointing his gun down to the floor, "Damn rich bastards." He snarled and walked away, yelling to more people to be quiet.
Outside the building, police lights were shining and sirens could faintly be heard in the distance. It had been only an hour ago that the gunmen had abruptly burst in and started shooting at the ceiling, causing some of the expensive looking chandeliers to fall and miraculously not hit a single person in the restaurant.
…Quite a miracle really. In a story like this, you'd expect it to at least take out a small child…that's a very disappointed chandelier…
Rukia's eyes scanned the area and she counted the number of gunmen. "There are—".
"—Twenty of them. The leader's the only one without a gun, at least from what I can tell," Ichigo interrupted, turning his attention back to her.
"And there are around fifty hostages, including ourselves," the superheroine relayed quietly, "This will make a rescue even more difficult if the police storm the building."
"And don't forget that there could be more gunmen down below."
"There's always gunmen down below. We live in a world where people with superpowers are recognized," Rukia reminded him.
"But then why does everyone get all surprised when superheroes show up to save the day?" Ichigo challenged her.
Rukia opened her mouth but quickly shut it, pondering for a moment. "Alright, you got me there. I learned something today."
"I do what I can."
"For now, we'll just have to wait for our opportunity to get at them," she said with a smile. Beside her, Ichigo felt the air chill a bit and he sighed at how excited she was getting about the whole situation.
"We can't exactly make a scene here," her date reminded her, "We'll have to stay incognito for now. Don't want the whole world seeing us without our disguises…or lack of one in your case."
"Remind me again whose been wearing the skin tight suit lately?" Rukia chided, making her date scoff.
"That would be me, in all my horror," he shuddered for a moment before recovering. "Just remember your still recovering. We should try to avoid having to get involved if we can help it," Ichigo replied, giving her a fierce scowl. "So don't get so excited."
As much as she wanted to disregard his warning, she knew he was right. Even so, despite how terrifying she should feel, the superheroine could not help but smile at these events. Not that she didn't love a fancy, not to mention free, dinner but it had been weeks since she'd gotten to do any real superhero work and she was antsy to get back into the fray.
Unfortunately, she had to remind herself of her injuries, which currently ached a bit from the sudden activity. Like it or not, she still wasn't quite ready for a real fight. She'd need an alternative, which is why she was lucky to have her arch-rival as her date.
Honestly, it was oddly comforting having Ichigo here with her. Having someone similar to her in power was not only reassuring, it was exciting. As long as they were together, she knew that everything was going to turn out fine. Neither of them would let anyone get hurt, giving her peace of mind as well.
Giving in, she answered, "Alright. But if they start shooting again, don't expect me to stand down." She flashed him a grin and he sighed but reciprocated it.
"Fair enough."
As they finished speaking, they both laid back down and listened carefully. Even at a time like this, their superhero traits could not be suppressed and they listened as the gunmen began gathering for a meeting.
"Okay Boss, we're all set to go," one of the gunmen, who was setting up a laptop, said as their leader approached. The leader wore a leather jacket with a fur neck-lining. His black hair was slicked back a bit and he had a scowl on his face.
Beside the leader was a tall man with dark eyes. "Are you sure about this Ginjo?" the man asked.
Ginjo scoffed and turned to his right-hand man. "We've passed the point of no return. You should know that by now, Tsukishima."
Tsukishima grinned and patted his friend on the shoulder, "Just wanted to make sure you weren't wavering in your resolve. We don't have time for to second guess ourselves now."
With a scoff, Ginjo sat down at a table and smirked, "No need to worry about me. Tonight, everyone's going to get what's coming to them." He turned and looked at the laptop and raised an eyebrow. "Okay, what the hell am I doing here?"
The gunman who set up the laptop pointed to the screen and said, "It's all set to go. We've got a great connection and I was able to patch it through to the police outside and the local news networks. All we have to do is hit 'call' and Skype will take care of the rest."
… Skype? They're using Skype to broadcast their ransom demands? That's actually pretty ingenious, why has no one else ever thought of this?...Oh wait, it's a computer program and can be traced. It's not so ingenious anymore…
Looking directly into the camera, Ginjo nodded and turned back to Tsukishima. "All we need now is a pair of hostages to show we mean business. Try to find like a young loving couple or something. That'll get their attention."
"Right," Tsukishima replied and immediately turned around to look out at the hostages.
Little did he know that not far from him, Rukia overheard their plans and grinned to herself. At that moment, Ichigo turned over and saw her grinning.
"No," he protested as she slowly began to turn to him. "No!"
"Follow my lead," she whispered to him. He reached up to stop her but his hand missed as she got to her feet and waved her arm. Putting on her most innocent face, she sweetly called out:
"Excuse me? Mr. Bad Guy!"
-Urahara Apartment Complex-
The news report on the TV continued to spam the message of "HOSTAGES TAKEN" while a calm reporter explained about the ongoing situation. In the dim light from the TV, two figures shuffled around.
"This is all your doing!" Shirayuki shouted, pinning Zangetsu against the wall with a kunai at his throat. "If you had not goaded your nephew into taking My Lady for dinner she would be safely battling them to the death right now!"
Zangetsu pushing the kunai away slowly and replied, "Trust me, this is the exact opposite of what I wanted to have happen right now."
…Her holding you at knife point or the restaurant hostage thing?...
The fearsome maid gritted her teeth and backed away, turning her glare to the television. Seeing the news reports only infuriated her more and she abruptly turned and began heading for the door. However, before she left, the anchor suddenly became loud and enthusiastic.
"Breaking news!" the anchor shouted, taking a paper from someone. "We have just received a Skype call from the men responsible for the attack!"
Hearing this, Shirayuki spun around and nearly rushed to the TV, staring at it intently. Behind her, Zangetsu slowly approached and stood beside her. They watched as the screen cut to black before suddenly coming back with full color to reveal a man with a leather coat that had a fur neck-lining.
"Is…Is it on? No, I can't tell! I don't even have a cell phone and you expect me to be able to work a laptop? Well I'm sorry that I don't have any money for a phone, I kinda spent it on all the guns! What do you mean we didn't spend all the money on the guns?! What do you mean it's been on the entire—".
Suddenly, the leather coat man looked at the camera, his eyes widening.
"Oh…" he whispered before clearing his throat in embarrassment. Fixing his outfit and adjusting the camera, the leader stood up and began speaking.
"I am Kugo Ginjo. My associates and I are the ones responsible for taking hostages in The Royal Palace Restaurant. We have guns and as you can see, we have hostages too! Hey, hostages! Say something!"
The camera turned to show none of than Rukia and Ichigo being held at gunpoint. The raven haired young woman was doing her best to act frightened but the excitement was written all over her face. Meanwhile, her orange haired date was scowling and hanging his head in exasperation. The gunmen pushed them toward the camera and Rukia instantly looked at it and all excitement faded, replayed with mock fear.
"Oh please! Help us someone!," she called out in a sickly sweet voice. "There horrible gunmen ruined my first date and my boyfriend is practically terrified!"
"Oh no, please help me…" the orange haired man said in monotone before his face twisted in pain and his head fell forward as he cried out in pain.
"See, he's terrified! Crying even!" Rukia continued with her sweet act, never letting any see her retract her foot away from her date's shin.
"Why did this have to happen? Why did you do this to me?!" Ichigo whimpered in her direction but the camera appeared to have him looking at the gunman.
However, Shirayuki caught the movement her Lady kicked him and couldn't help but grin a bit. On the other side, Zangetsu could only hang his head and sigh at his nephew's embarrassment.
"Getting himself laid just got a lot harder," Uncle Kickass whispered to himself.
The camera turned back to Ginjo and he angrily began explaining, "This attack is retaliation for the damages done to my friends and the children of the Fullbringer Orphanage! As some of you may be aware, a few weeks ago the orphanage was destroyed in a battle between Chappy and her mysterious masked pedophile opponent."
"What was that?!" Ichigo's voice sounded in the background, with Ginjo paying him any mind.
And then Rukia's voice sounded, "He said, 'The orphanage was destroyed by the pedophile mask man'. And it was all his fault!"
"And so," Ginjo continued, ignoring the sounds of his hostages, "We demand that a new orphanage be built to house the children, who currently are sleeping outside a MacDonald's. If nothing is done for them soon, we fear they will become obese and have crappy lives!"
…Well, isn't that a powerful slogan. 'MacDonald's – everything they touch turns to shit'…
"Furthermore," the leader continued, "We demand that Chappy turn herself over to us for punishment for her crimes against the children! And if we don't get a favorable response to our demands within two hours, we'll—".
"They'll start killing hostages!" a familiar voice shouted out. Shirayuki's eyes widened as the camera turned and focused on her beloved Lady Rukia and her date.
With a look of somewhat pure terror on her face, the raven haired young woman shouted, "I heard them say that, so it must be true! In fact, they might even rape me first."
Rukia looked directly at the camera for a moment before continuing, "Please, I don't want anyone else to suffer! I will allow myself to be the first one killed," she suddenly broke out into false tears, "Just don't hurt my boyfriend!"
Immediately, Ichigo's head popped in front of hers and he said, "Please kill me first, I want to get out of here."
Suddenly, one of the gunmen pushed them back and turned the camera back to a very confused and terrified Ginjo. His head slowly turned back to the camera and he laughed nervously, trying to sound menacing.
"Uh…yeah, that's…uh, exactly what we're…gonna do. Bye!"
The feed suddenly cut out and the new anchor reappeared on the screen, as shocked as everyone else who saw the broad cast.
Without waiting for another moment, Shirayuki bolted up and screamed, "How dare they threaten the purity of Lady Rukia, not to mention her life! They will pay for this with a thousand painful deaths by slow removal of the manhood!"
…The sad part is that I don't know who needs to be rescued anymore: the hostages or the gunmen…
The maid in white turned and headed for the door when something caught her arm. She turned to see Zangetsu grasping her tightly. Gritting her teeth, Shirayuki grabbed her kunai and slashed toward his hand. However, he caught her wrist and held her in place, bearing down at her with fierce eyes.
Shirayuki narrowed her eyes and met his gaze."Do not try to stop me! This is less than two hours before—".
"I'm going with you."
The faithful maid's eyes widened at his words. His voice was tender and soft, his eyes determined and focused. She had not seen that look in his eyes for over ten years.
Slowly releasing her, Zangetsu backed away and began moving toward the back of the apartment. Reaching up, he pulled his sunglasses from his eyes and set them on the table as he passed, moving toward his room.
Shaking her head and regaining her wits, Shirayuki scoffed and said, "I do not require your assistance. I am more than qualified to deal out castration justice to these fools who dare to threaten the purity of Lady Rukia. I will be sure not to harm the man who knows love, unless he attempts to…are you even listening to me?!"
Across the room, Zangetsu had discarded his overcoat and was wearing only a black dress shirt. His face was utterly serious for the first time in many years, not that anyone but Shirayuki would be able to tell.
The strange Uncle stopped just before he was about to enter his room and turned his head to her to say, "Shirayuki, you speak in a language of neutering, castration, and cut off testicles. After a while, I just kinda tune it out."
…It takes of very strong man to tune that horror out! You are truly worth of the title: Uncle Kickass! I salute you, sir!...
And with that, he disappeared into his room, leaving the faithful maid to fume. As she watched him go, Shirayuki felt the urge just to leave him behind and rush to her Lady's rescue alone. However, she knew it was not that simple. That man-creature would follow her into the depths of hell if that was her destination. She knew that there was no real way to be rid of him.
Shirayuki turned to face the window as she waited and gasped at her reflection. Unbeknownst to her, a smile had taken over her lips as she thought of Zangetsu's persistence. Her hand reached up and touched her lips lightly. Immediately, she slapped herself.
"No! Bad Shirayuki!"
A moment later, she heard a shuffling behind her and turned to see an image she never imaged seeing ever gain.
Mystic Zangetsu stood before her with his long black, slightly tattered trench coat. A large cleaver that was wrapped in bandages hung on his back. And finally, a skull mask with large pointed horns rested on his face. The mask could almost be called a helmet, as it nearly encased all of his head. Only a bit of his long shaggy brown hair was protruding down the back of the headpiece.
As he breathed, the mask altered his voice and it came out as an almost animalistic sound. Hearing that sound again made Shirayuki's blood freeze but her heart was pounding furiously in her chest. Her mouth hung open and she breathed heavily for a moment before words just fell out.
"I want to do a sex on you…"
"Cool," Zangetsu replied, "By the way, you're doing it again."
Shirayuki's eyes widened and her hands slapped her face violently. "Dammit! Stop doing that!" she shouted at herself before angrily turning toward the door, "Let's just go!"
"Right! To the restaurant!" the old Mystic replied as he rushed after her, only to be stopped when she turned and glared at him.
"We need to make a stop first," she informed him. She turned away and began heading toward the car. "It's time for me to regain my honor…as a Misandrist!"
-The Royal Palace-
"You know, you two make it really hard to be the bad guy!" Ginjo shouted at Ichigo and Rukia. "I thought hostages were supposed to, like, shut up! Not make things worse!"
"But aren't you the bad guys?" Rukia questioned, keeping up her innocent façade as best she could. "I mean, you are gonna kill us if your demands aren't met, right?"
Face-palming and rubbing his eyes, Ginjo answered, "No, we're not going to do that. We're not going to hurt anyone—".
"Could have fooled me," Ichigo cut him off, his scowl deepening.
With a groan, Ginjo squatted in front of them and said, "Listen, we're not bad people. We just want a home for the kids of the orphanage. I threw the Chappy thing in there because I wanted to ask her what kind of monster destroys a children's home like that?"
"Oh yes, what kind of monster indeed?" the raven haired young woman repeated, secretly glaring at Ichigo who glared back fiercely.
"Besides," Ginjo continued, "Only a few of the guns are real. And we used all the live ammo shooting the ceiling, so there's no possible—".
An abrupt shotgun shot rang out and blasted out a window, making everyone, including Ginjo, duck for cover. A moment later, the gunmen leader turned to see one of his men staring at the gun, dumbfounded.
"What do you know? It is a real gun…" the foolish shooter said, quite surprised.
Slowly standing up, Ginjo marched over his ally, tore the gun from his hand and gently set it on a nearby table. "Go to the corner!" he demanded, pointing to the other side of the restaurant.
Without a word, the shooter hung his head and proceeded to stand in the corner. Taking a big breath, Ginjo turned back to Ichigo and Rukia and said, "Well, I guess I can't tell you that the guns aren't real, let alone that they're filled with blanks…because someone had to discharge their weapon!"
"…Sorry."
After glaring at his ally for a moment, Ginjo began to pace back and forth, running his hand through his hair and groaning. All the while, Rukia was still pretending to be frightened yet putting on a brave face and Ichigo was struggling to keep from strangling himself just to get away.
"This wasn't how this was supposed to go down!" Ginjo shouted, making everyone but Ichigo, Rukia and Tsukishima jump. "This was supposed to be a simple protest…except with guns! How did it devolve into a freaking firing squad?! How much more stupid could we get?!"
…Am I even needed here anymore? These guys are doing a good job of pointing out their own flaws…I might go get a coffee…
A hand rested on his shoulder and Ginjo turned to see Tsukishima looking at him. "At least they think we're serious now. We will get a better home for the children or these people won't go home at all."
The right-hand man pointed his gun at Rukia's face, instantly catching Ichigo's attention. The orange haired man glared up at him but Tsukishima didn't seem to notice, nor did he feel the black energy that was rippling of Ichigo as the man threatened his idol.
However, Rukia kept her brave face and stared up the barrel at her offender. As she did, Tsukishima could have sworn her felt the handle of the gun get a bit colder.
Suddenly, the gun was torn from his hand and Tsukishima turned to see Ginjo glaring at him. "I told you, we're not gonna kill anyone! The guns are for show…plus I kinda planned to pawn them after this was over because we're running low on groceries for the kids."
Out of nowhere, Ichigo suddenly asked, "You held up…a restaurant but you need food money…for the kids? Why didn't you just rob a grocery store?"
A long silence fell over the gunmen and no one uttered a word. Then, collectively, all of the gunmen face-palmed. After that terribly embarrassing moment, Tsukishima thought of something.
"Can't they just eat from the MacDonald's dumpster like we did growing up?" he questioned.
Ginjo suddenly narrowed his eyes at him. "Do you want those kids to turn out like us?! Weird and incompetent! Robbing restaurants instead of grocery stores!"
"Okay, that's a low blow—".
"It had to blown! Bad enough that Yukio won't get off the goddamned internet and Riruka can't make friends because she talks to her freaking dolls as if people were trapped inside! I won't let those kids get any more messed up thanks to that brainwashing cult of a fast food place!"
As Ginjo continued to rant about the evils of MacDonald's and their connection to the devil store of Wal-Mart, Ichigo and Rukia finally had a moment to breath and relax.
Ichigo glanced over and saw Rukia had a confident smirk on her face. Leaning closer, he whispered, "So what the hell was that all about?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she answered swiftly with a smug grin.
"The whole 'kill the hostages' crap you pulled us into! Are you trying to force us to have to reveal our powers?!" he furiously replied in a hushed voice.
To his surprise, Rukia gave a light chuckle and turned to him. "Sometimes, it's better just to sit and wait for result to come to you."
Raising an eyebrow, her date asked, "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It's all about sending the right message," Rukia answered, looking down at her dress.
Ichigo followed her gaze and eventually found his way to her hand that rested at the edge of her dress. Clutched tightly in her fingers was a small device with a single button on it, her thumb pressing it down. His eyes shot up to her face and she smirked and looked out the window. Again, he followed her gaze and glanced out the window, his jaw dropping at what he saw.
Projected onto the clouds, was the image of the sheers and man with a bleeding crotch.
"Oh, no you didn't—".
"Oh, yes I did. But don't worry," Rukia reassured him with a devious smile, "I'm sure that Shirayuki will help you too."
With a heavy sigh, Ichigo whispered to himself, "Define 'Help'!"
-Outside The Royal Palace-
Atop the nearby skyscraper, Mystic Zangetsu bore down at the build that held his nephew and his date. He surveyed the floors that the gunmen had taken and realized that they had men stationed on the ground floor to guard the elevators. As he searched for a vantage point to enter the area where the hostages where, a figure appeared at his side.
"What a fucked up way to spend an evening," he said aloud.
"Then we shall have to UN-fuck it!" a dramatic but familiar voice sounded behind him.
With a smirk he said, "Are you ready for this, Defender of Justice?"
"Don't take me for a fool. I am always prepared to defend My Lady," Chappy Shirayuki replied with a scoff.
The faithful maid adjusted the black wig that resembled her mistress' hair, securing the bunny ears as well. The skin tight, purple bunny suit fitted over her and in her hand was the prototype white blade that emitted ice. Her height and chest size were noticeably greater than her protégé, but hopefully no one would notice this one time. She looked every bit the part of the Defender of Justice…almost.
His voice distorted, Mystic Zangetsu replied, "I only ask because it took so long to get ready—".
Shirayuki's face heated up and she gritted her teeth at him. "There is a clear difference in build and height between myself and My Lady! It was not easy to fit into something that was not designed for me!"
"Ichigo fit into it pretty well."
"He was wearing an alternate model!"
…This really begs the question as to why they already had a suit made for an adult male Chappy before Ichigo came along…
Mystic Zangetsu smiled under his mask as he looked her over. "In any case, you look lovely," he said before turning back to the situation. For a moment, the faithful maid was shocked by his words but she quickly recovered.
"Hmph, do not forget that I was the original Chappy. It's only natural that I shine in this outfit."
"Well then," Zangetsu said, holding out his hand to her, "Are you prepared to face the horror of crime fighting, one last time?"
Chappy Shirayuki stared at his hand for a moment before batting it away and smirking at him. "I am the Defender of Justice. I will not allow evil to go unpunished in this city, especially not while My Lady is trying to have a nice outing!"
With a firm nod, Mystic Zangetsu replied, "Then allow me to assist the great Chappy, one last time."
Giving a slight huff, Shirayuki said to him, "That's the smartest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Actually the smartest thing I ever said was in physics class. You should remember, you were there—".
"Don't ruin my moment."
"Yes, ma'am."
Even though she couldn't see it, she knew that Zangetsu was smiling at her behind that mask. A part of her wanted to be disgusted, but at the moment, she was far too excited for the adventure before them to really care. Even if it was only for one night, she felt like a superheroine once again.
Glancing toward the building, Chappy Shirayuki grinned and asked, "Are you ready for this, The Mystic?"
"My name is Captain Kickass," Zangetsu proudly corrected her, making her jaw drop before she glared at him. "What? I never called myself The Mystic. That's just what you called me."
"Because Captain Kickass is a foolish name for anyone claiming to be my rival!" she defended.
"But nothing I do is Mystical. I just swing my sword and kick all ass. Hence, 'Captain Kickass'."
"You simply lack enough imagination to come up with a better name."
"And you lack control over your repressed desires."
"I'll repress myself all over you."
"Told you-".
"Enough!" Shirayuki shouted as she leapt up onto the edge of the rail and glared toward the building. "Fear not, Lady Rukia. I am on my way!"
"And Captain Kickass is here to save his nephew."
"Oh, just shut up and go already!"
And with that, they leapt off the building to rescue their protégé.
To Be Continued…
Hello my beautiful readers! I know, it took me forever to update but I'm finally back in the game! Sorry it took so long but as some of you may know, I've been in the process of moving for quite a while. Not to mention that I went to my first anime convention (Sac-Anime) a few weeks ago and that set me back too! But now that I'm all moved and setting into my new home, I should have faster updates soon!
The next chapter is already underway and I hope to have it for you within the next few days! I'm currently job hunting so time is limited but I'll be sure to set aside some time to write each day and get the next chapter to you as soon as it's done!
Thank you to everyone who has supported and like my stories. Every favorite and follow is greatly appreciated and it motivates me to write more for you all! Leave a review to encourage me to write faster or if you just want to critique my story.
Take care and keep on smiling!