Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.
A brief interlude before the OST arc. The aftermath of the party and other little complications. A bit too early for the puppies joke. The pirates taking a trip to London?
Broadcast 26
On the Misty Lady. Captain Teague is working on a ship in a bottle as his wife's head watches on from the mainmast where they have it tied to a hook.
Teague: Easy does it… Steady now… (manoeuvring miniature sails and rigging with tools)
Jean Baptiste: (up in the crow's nest) Grandpapa! I need to go bad! Help get me down!
Honest Tom: (peering up) How the heck did our legless patient git up there?
Jean Baptiste: Had mama hoist me up with a pulley-chair, but now I'm stuck!
Teague: Ye quit yer whining and wait, laddie… till I'm done here with…
Jean Baptiste: No I can't! Grandpa! I ain't kidding!
A stream of golden liquid sprays on Teague from up on high.
Jean Baptiste: Sorry, grandpa…
Teague: (wiping his face) Tom, have Peter and Paul Blackbird get Jean down… He can do the broadcast with ye while I get rid of this eau de pee on me clothes. Here's the news… (leaves for cabin)
Jean Baptiste: Wait, I'm on air? Is this live? Patience, can you get me a new pair of breeches please? Merci, sis. (pulls on clean pair of pants over his stumps) Greetings all scallywags. I trust we are still a-reeling from all that heavy partying after the big battle. Did everyone catch how Uncle Jack's ship and the Dutchman blew that naval tub to kingdom come? Jolly good show! On with the report on partying casualties of the night after. One – Ammand the Corsair's seven sisters have officially eloped in the midst of the partying. The ladies request that their overprotective big brother leave them and their beaus be. Ammand has been seen leading a fleet in the direction of the Red Sea. You have been warned, ladies. Second – a scuffle broke out between Chevalle and Villanueva's men resulting in twenty dead and eighty wounded. Three – Sri Sumbhajee has perished after falling into a barrel of Malmsey wine and having the lid hammered back on him. His grandson will succeed as the Lord of the Indian Oc-
Honest Tom: (at the wireless set) Hold yer horses, laddie. Update here. Our Indian great-grandpa survived the incident having taken some serious yoga breathing lessons from some fakir in his youth. His mutinous grandson has been dealt with accordingly by taking the leading role in that old Indian rope trick where someone gets chopped up and crammed into a wicker basket. Other minor incidents. Senora Villanueva was found in the same hammock as Gentleman Jocard and blames the free-flow rum for the incident. Her husband is not convinced and has arranged a duel with the Gentleman. Mistress Ching requests that whoever picked up her fancy tankard return it to her. It has great sentimental value being fashioned from the skull of her departed hubby. It has distinctive Oriental dragon designs on it.
Jean Baptiste: It has been two weeks since the party but in case anyone missed the announcements on account of being too drunk… The Pirate King, oops, I mean, Queen, has announced her retirement both from her posts as Queen, Pirate Lord and pirate to take a breather after a few years of high adventure. The South China Sea post is now held by some Tai Huang chap who used to be Sao Feng's second in command. At least he has the experience to command a reasonable fleet and run the most happening island in the region. On the old Tortuga front, news has it that Uncle Jack Sparrow has lost his ship again. And to old Hector Barbossa, too. Oh, Uncle Jack… you're embarrassing us!
Jack Sparrow: (calling in) Hey, it isn't my fault Mister Gibbs here took a nap when he oughta be keeping an eye on the Pearl while I refresh my friendship with some wenches…
Teague: (back from his cabin) Jackie boy, ye always be one fer excuses. Git in a rowboat and join us in olde London.
Jack Sparrow: Finally reached a decision on burying ma?
Teague: Nay, yer ma always wanted to see London. (dripping sarcasm) Of course, we'll be lying her to rest in the Teague family plot…
Willy Raven: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but they dug up the old plot for a mall. When's the last time you were in London? The coronation of Queen Elizabeth, as in Elizabeth I?
Teague: Very well, we bury yer ma in the mall! I was in London last when that Queen Anne was on the throne. A most charming lady, gorgeous really… (gets whacked on the head by Jenny falling off her hook)
Willy Raven: Methinks ma is a tad jealous. Better plan a stopover in Marseilles to meet with Jacques' family…
Teague: Suit yerself. Tom, where's the weather report?
Jean Baptiste: I've got the weather report here, grandpapa. Oh dear, calm seas and little wind in the tropics. We might be taking a while getting up to Gibraltar. In the Red Sea, we have a weird parting of the waters event caused by some folks looking for the Promised Land. Good luck I say. Bad luck for Ammand as his fleet was stuck on a sand bar thanks to the unusual tides resulting from the parting of the Red Sea.
Willy Raven: Has anyone seen Baby Freedom? And Liberty? Where's Faith? I've finished putting lace on their dresses…
Teague: Didn't ye count heads before we left?
Willy Raven: (counts heads) Oh crap! Turn round for the Cove, papa! I think I'm short.
Teague: Willy lass, do ye even know how many pups ye whelped? Jacques! Where's that Frenchman? He oughta be watching out fer yer tots! I'll have the skin off his back! Tom! You handle the call-in…
Jacques: (calling in) Help. I think my new wife has abandoned me on a beached galleon in Shipwreck Cove with five of her children. Their names are Faith, Hope, Charity, Liberty and the little enfant terrible is Freedom. I'm willing to babysit till she gets back but two weeks is a bit too long… Mrs Turner was helping me with the children but she needed to leave to set up an inn. I don't think I can cope alone… Aieee! Charity! You don't use your sister for shark bait!
Honest Tom: Hang on. We just realized we're short. We'll be swinging by in a month or so if the tides allow. Keep alive and sane till then.
Teague: You have my permission to tie the pack of rascals to a mast.
Will Turner: Hello? I am missing my wife and it's only been two weeks! How can I get through the next ten years at sea?
Teague: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, whelp. Take it from an old sea dog like moi. If I had me wife and both me kiddies on the same ship 24-7, I believe I will the one walking the plank, if not shooting them. Chin up, man. If the loneliness gets too much, there's always the possibility of hooking up with a mermaid…
Honest Tom: Letters, phone, email, skype. Man, there are many ways to keep in touch. I'm sure there is someone close by you can rely on.
Will Turner: You're right. I still have my dad… Men, let's get to work ferrying these poor souls over to Fiddler's Green (hoorays from crew of the Dutchman)
Teague: That's one trusting whelp. Hope his lady is more faithful than Calypso. Never do to have another Squidface running about.
Lizzie Turner: Help, I'm hitting a bit of a hiccup here. Career prospects for disgraced young ladies are almost non-existent here in Port Royal. I could scrimp and save and borrow some money from friends to start an inn but I doubt I have any society friends left after running around with pirates. Is there any way I can make a living?
Teague: Let's see, assuming ye be young and pretty wench. Yes. There is a tavern at Tortuga called the Faithful Bride which always needs some help. Loads of sailors would appreciate having some sweet young thing warming their beds…
Lizzie Turner: WHAT? Aren't there any proper jobs about besides that pox-ridden dump?
Anamaria: (calling in) Excuse me, but perhaps I may be of assistance to the young woman, if she has experience and ties with society folk. I just came into some money thanks to Cousin Jamie being lost at sea. I need someone to be my investment partner in running a inn on Port Royal. I need a license as those fools at Fort Charles will not give me one thanks to me having some record for assaulting them previously with a musket.
Lizzie Turner: Deal! Let's talk further. Are you in Port Royal?
Anamaria: Yup. The Fisherman Shack?
Lizzie Turner: Three o'clock over a cuppa tea or a tankard…
Teague: A reminder – our sponsors at the Faithful Bride are still hiring pretty wenches! Ladies please sign up! The current wenches are starting to look a wee bit jaded.
Hector: I've been double-crossed by that lying scoundrel Jack Sparrow! He stole my charts for the Fountain of Youth.
Teague: Fair's fair, Hector. Ye did steal his ship.
Angelica: Hello? I have an itsy-bitsy problem. There's this pirate-man I am soft on but he really is a cocky chap with no sense of grooming. He stinks like a rotten fish but I am crazy over him after all this time… I hear he is back on a ship called the Black Pearl. Is there any way I can arrange to bump into him?
Teague: Try using his identity to do summat silly and he will pop up near ye to defend his reputation. I know that is what Jack Sparrow will do… Oh, and an update in case ye missed the first part of the broadcast. Jack Sparrow is no longer on his ship.
Angelica: Gracias!
Teague: That be all, pirates. Now Jean Baptiste will recite the poem the Ancient Mariner while I finish my ship in a bottle. This year, I'm bringing in the prize for best ship in a bottle. Eat yer heart out, Blackbeard Teach!
Jean Baptiste: What? That is like hundreds of words!
Teague: Just read the first part up to the albatross-shooting. Tom, chart a course back to Shipwreck Cove to pick up the pups, and that French chap.
Author's Notes:
Puppy jokes and Lizzie's pregnancy in later broadcasts. It is a bit too soon to tell. Jean Baptiste is a feisty lad. Isn't it lucky we don't have Teague shrinking ships for his bottles like Blackbeard?