"So let me get this straight," Miz said slowly. He, Kelly, Dwayne, Christian and Raven had just sat down at in a restaurant. They had been trying to look for the perfect birthday present for Jeff, but their stomachs had told them it was time to stop and take a break. "James used to fuck his twin sister Annabelle."
"Yes," Dwayne confirmed. "Only nobody but Mark knew James even had a twin sister."
"Not even you guys?" Kelly asked Raven and Christian.
Raven shook his head. "Not even us."
"But how could he keep that a secret?" Miz asked. The secrets that had finally been revealed were really blowing his mind. He had lived with James for years and he had never known any of this. "And how could he muster up the will to fuck his sister?"
Christian shrugged. "You're underestimating how truly twisted and disturbed he really is. I mean, I knew he had some sort of issues for years, but I actually didn't really want to know. I figured Mark would just take care of it and everything would be fine."
Dwayne shook his head. "You know, now that we know that James is actually Jeff's real father, I'm shocked none of us realized this sooner."
"Well to be fair, James and Mark actually know how to keep a secret," Raven pointed out. He ruffled Miz's hair affectionately. "See, Mizzie here has basically been stalking some Ashley girl every week when she comes here with her friends. He's got a big old crush on her boys and girls."
Miz gave Raven an annoyed look. "I do not have a crush on her you asshole. And this isn't just some girl. Ashley Massaro is a Playboy cover girl. If I can make it with a Playboy cover girl--"
"Okay, stop that sentence right there," Kelly said. "Let's think about this for a second. You actually believe YOU could score with a Playboy cover girl? A Playboy cover girl could have anyone she wants. She doesn't have to settle for someone like you."
Now Miz was offended. "What, am I suddenly hideously ugly or something?"
"Oh you've always been hideously ugly," Christian informed him. "We were just trying to be nice and not say anything."
Miz threw up his hands in exasperation. "You guys are assholes. I hate all of you."
They all looked over at Ashley, who was actually looking their way now. She pointed to Kelly and motioned for the young blonde to come over to her table.
Kelly looked confused. "Wait, why is she pointing at me?"
"I don't know, but you better go find out," Raven said eagerly. He literally pushed the teenager out of her chair towards Miz's dream girl.
Miz frowned at the smile Ashley gave Kelly as the two girls began to talk. "I don't get it. Kelly can't give her my phone number when she doesn't even know it."
Dwayne forced Miz to turn around and face him. "Have you ever read any of the articles that have been Playboy?"
Miz shook his head. "No. What kind of idiot reads the articles in Playboy?"
"I do jabroni. And let me tell you something about Miss Massaro: she doesn't like strudel. She prefers pie."
Now Miz was even more confused. "What does her taste in pastries have to do with anything?"
Dwayne smacked him on the side of the head. "She's a dyke you fucking moron!"
"Oh," Miz said. It took a minute for that information to fully sink in. "Oh," he repeated, his voice growing in volume. "OH!"
"Quit yelling you idiot!" Raven ordered. "That's not--Christian, what are you doing?"
Christian had his cell phone out and he was taking pictures of Kelly and Ashley as they talked. "Dude, Kelly might actually trump Miz and get the girl the idiot wants. I am not going to miss a moment of this shit."
Miz tossed the salt shaker at Christian's head. "Okay, now I really hate you guys. I'm not even joking. I think I might blow you all up later if you don't stop making fun of me."
"Okay, okay, we'll stop," Dwayne said. He smirked. "When we're around you anyway."
XXXXXXXXXXX
"LAWSON YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!" Mark screamed at the top of his lungs. "YOU BETTER FUCKING PRAY I DO NOT GET MY HANDS ON YOU!"
"YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!" James yelled gleefully.
Glenn groaned. In celebration of Jeff being declared dead by the FBI and James finally taking his rightful place as Jeff's father, James had decided to celebrate by pouring a bucket of ice water on an unsuspecting sleeping Mark. This used to happen all the time when they had been kids, and Glenn hadn't enjoyed it any more back then than he did now. This kind of fighting between the two large and homicidal men meant one thing and one thing only. It meant--
"Tell me a story," Cheyanne demanded, interrupting Glenn before the thought could be finished.
Glenn sighed and took the girl up into his lap. "I don't really know any stories."
"Tell me one anyway."
He rolled his eyes. "Okay. Once upon a time, my idiot half brother Mark set the funeral parlor we lived in on fire."
"Why did he do that?"
"Because he's an asshole. Anyway, we both ended up living with my real father Paul Bearer. And because my face got all burned up in that fire, Father Dearest kept me locked up in the basement for six years."
"What did you do for fun down there?"
"Watch TV mostly. But then one day, I decided I had enough of being hidden away and I broke down the basement doors with my bare hands."
"What did your daddy think of that?"
"Well he didn't get much of a chance to think anything because I killed him as soon as I saw him," Glenn said with a shrug. "Then I pried the Klondike bar he was holding out of his fat grubby hands and ate it."
"So you not only killed him for revenge, but you killed him for ice cream."
"Yes."
"Would you kill for ice cream again?"
"Yes."
Jeff came in, dragging an oblivious Melina behind him. "Glenn, Dad promised to take me to the movies but now your dumb brother won't stop chasing him around the damn house."
Glenn shrugged his shoulders. "So? What do you want me to do about it?"
"Well you better make him stop it or I'm GOING TO KILL HIM!" He started laugh maniacally.
"He's a terrifying terrorist," Melina informed Glenn and Cheyanne.
Glenn just kind of nodded along. What else could he do at this point? "Okay then. That's good to know."
James came barreling into the room, nearly tripping and falling as he turned around. Mark came in a few minutes later. He was still soaking wet from head to foot, and he looked ready to murder James. "You are so fucking dead Lawson," he snarled.
James just giggled. "Come on then," he taunted. "If you want me, come get me. I'm right here."
Mark lunged at James and tackled him to the ground. The two of them began wrestling all over the floor, shouting all kinds of obscenities at each other. Jeff tried to jump in, but Glenn grabbed him by the back of the shirt and stopped him.
"Let go of me!" Jeff ordered. "I want to fight too!"
"This isn't a fight you want in on," Glenn told him. "Trust me on this one."
"Why?"
"Because this isn't a fight anymore; this is foreplay."
"What do you--" Jeff's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"
James and Mark wrestled their way up to their feet and went crashing into the kitchen. Glenn suddenly knew that was as far as the two of them were going to get. "Okay, time to go!" he said quickly. He got up and tossed Cheyanne over his shoulders. He had been in the same house before when James and Mark went at it like this. It was something he only had to live through once before realizing that abandoning ship was the only thing to do.
Jeff just pouted. "Give me one good reason I should go anywhere with you."
"I'll buy you a chainsaw for your birthday if you move your ass and make sure I don't have to listen to the scary things your father and my brother are about to do to each other." Glenn knew promising a chainsaw to Jeff was the dumbest thing he could do, but he was desperate at this point.
Jeff grinned and nodded. "Okay. But if I don't get my chainsaw…I'LL KILL YOU!" He laughed as he stumbled out the door.
Glenn shook his head. "Damn, if I believed in God, I would so be praying for my life right now," he muttered as he carried Cheyanne and dragged Melina out of the house. "I fucking can't put up with this bullshit alone." He sighed. "I hope Tammy and Stacy don't come home too soon or they're going to be in for one HELL of a surprise."