A/N: Sarah's POV, this chapter is dedicated to tinkerbelldetention101 and her lovely responsiveness and wise words. :D

-C

January came faster than I had expected and I was back on the Hogwarts Express. I got a compartment to myself, needing to sort out what I was going to do about Remus and Amy when I returned. It was something I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to sort out before I got back, and then I never did.

When Amy's Christmas present to me arrived on Boxing Day I had to consider whether or not I was going to send hers right away or wait to decide what I was going to do. I decided to wait, and it was a terrible decision because even on the train I didn't know what to do.

I didn't have to come to any sort of conclusions right away, though, which was excellent because by the time I had returned to Hogwarts, I still had no conclusions. I sat more or less alone at dinner, watching the Marauders and my dormmates (minus Vanessa) from a few seats down the bench.

And the whole dilemma about my friendship and the possible relationship with Remus were put out of my mind entirely at dinner by something that Hogwarts would be gossiping about for days on end.

About halfway through the meal, James Potter tapped Amy on the shoulder and squeezed between her and Marlene. I leaned forward a bit, curious as to what was going on. Amy gave him a look of consternation, but I heard him say, "Don't forget our chat at Christmas."

In spite of myself, I was incredibly curious. What had happened at Christmas that would lead to Amy so easily capitulating to James?

If I was going to find out, it seemed I would have to learn directly from Amy, because neither of them said in that moment.

James, with surprisingly low voice and a considerable amount of tact leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lily, I know we just got back, but there's a Hogsmeade trip coming up next month on Valentine's Day. It's early, I know, but I thought you might like some time to consider, so I figured I'd ask early."

Lily just blinked at him.

For a moment, I found that I'd dropped my fork and was blinking at him too.

James asking Lily to Hogsmeade, or on any date for that matter, was really nothing in the way of news. It was the way in which he'd asked, with restraint, consideration, even caution.

It was like James Potter had been possessed by Remus Lupin.

I blushed, looking down at my plate, thinking of how thrilled I had been when Remus had asked me to Hogsmeade before I'd learned of what he was. Was Amy right? Was I being selfish and unreasonable? Even Peter had suggested that Remus was far from harmless. Didn't I have a right to be cautious about my health and safety?

I was drawn out of my musings with Lily Evans, in a similar tone to how James had asked her, responded to the date proposal.

"You're right, I need to think about it," Lily said politely, asking as if he'd merely asked her if he could pour her pumpkin juice or water. "I'll get back to you by the beginning of next month, all right?"

A month. Only Lily Evans could buy herself a whole month to decide whether or not she wanted to go on a date with a bloke. James, clearly realizing that this was by far the best he was going to get and taking his minor victory, nodded, thanked her, and moved back to his previous seat.

My head was absolutely spinning, because not only had all of that progressed, but contrary to what I had expected, there was no jubilation evident in the realm of the Marauders. No high-fives, cheers, laughs, or anything else of the sort occurred. Perhaps it was because she hadn't actually given him a definitive yes or no, but it seemed to me more a sign of both their collective gravity of late and their collective gains in maturity. Amy and I, it seemed, had been right in projecting that James's designs on Lily had become increasingly less hopeless.

And apparently, the whole world had turned upside down. Sirius looked like he hadn't eaten in several weeks, or slept or bathed. Remus appeared even more sickly than usual. James was even somber in his partial victory, perhaps out of maturity or even out of respect for the obvious grief of his friends.

The only one who appeared the least bit jolly was Peter, making his usual fort out of his mashed potatoes, humming to himself happily as if the world wasn't on its head and going mad.

I would never, ever understand that boy.

After I'd dealt with all this mentally, although still not sure I fully understood, I realized that I would have to interact with Amy after dinner. I was going back to the dormitory, and now that she was friends with Lily and Marlene, Amy had rarely avoided the dormitory, especially with her strange separation from the Marauders.

I picked at my peas and considered my options. The Remus situation was still undecided, and would certainly not be decided in one night. I had research to do, things in my future to consider. I couldn't really make such a decision uninformed. I'd wasted Christmas holiday, but I couldn't afford to waste any more time. Therefore the whole thing with Amy would have to be settled regardless of a settlement with Remus.

If she was willing to talk on those terms, I supposed that I would have to sit down and work things out with her. If not, I was going to have to hurry along with my research, because we both knew that the current state of things could not continue long. Amy and I needed to figure out our differences. I hated not being around her more than I'd hated the tension with Vanessa. I wanted my friend back.

Amy was waiting for me in the bathroom when we got back to the dormitory, and we spent an extra-long time brushing our teeth, waiting for everyone else to go to bed. We then stared at each other for a long minute.

"I read your letter," I said slowly. "And got the gift. You really didn't need to get me something so expensive."

"I really did," Amy said softly. "And anyway, Ashley Elizabeth helped me pay for it. Consider it a joint gift."

I nodded, wondering how she had felt about giving it to me after her sister had died. I was curious, but not curious enough to ask.

"How was your holiday, then?" I asked, not really sure how to get to the point.

"It was terrible," she admitted. "My mother was behaving bizarre and the Christmas party was just awful. James was nice about it, but I wish I hadn't had to go."

I just nodded.

I'd always envied Amy of her pure blood, not because she paraded it around like Vanessa, like some badge of worth, or because she wouldn't likely be a target during the war. There was just this whole society that existed for purebloods that was hardly ever accessible to anyone else, and it had always seemed so glamorous, so marvelous. The glittering dress robes in all sorts of colors, the sparkling jewelry that cost more than my life was worth, the incredible shoes that I'd seen some of the women wear in pictures she'd taken with Sirius at various events….

It was sort of like what I imagined it would be like to be royalty. Amy had always assured me that it wasn't as great as all that, but I'd never really believed her, in spite of my vague agreements.

"Sarah, we really need to talk," she finally said. "I don't like the way things are right now, and I really want us to figure out how to move forward from here. This not knowing is driving me mad."

"Me too," I said slowly. "Look, I know the fight was about Remus, but I really don't know what I'm going to do yet, and if we decide to be friends again, it needs to be independent of whatever I end up choosing to do on that front. I don't want to lose you because of whatever I chose with him."

She just looked at me for a long moment before nodding slowly.

"I can't really judge," she admitted, rubbing her temples. "I think I might have screwed things up really badly with Sirius. You don't think…you don't think he could actually be in love with me, do you?"

I blinked at her.

How had we gone all of a sudden from are-we-friends-now to the deepest problems of her love life?

Not that I was complaining that things were back to normal. I was just stunned at how quickly it all went.

"I dunno," I said slowly. "I think it's possible. Whatever keeps happening between you two has him in a real funk."

She nodded, sitting on the floor, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging them. I followed her posture, watching her, waiting. She was chewing on something and if I made her talk about it too soon it wouldn't come out.

"I ran," she finally said. "From Sirius, I ran at the Christmas party. I hid in the bathroom. James vouched that I wasn't there, and I stayed there all night. I know it was stupid, but I panicked. I mean, what if he talked me into snogging?"

As strange as the fear sounded, I knew what she meant. I'd seen Sirius Black in dress robes a time or two, and even though I wasn't typically attracted to him, it wasn't outside the realm of possibility that I would have thrown myself at him in those moments. He actually looked like something of a sex god. Amy and I had agreed long ago that if I snogged Sirius for any reason while he was dressed like that, it would be a free pass. She would have had to have forgiven anyone such a transgression.

And while she wanted to snog Sirius, she wanted to do it properly. On a date, after he'd said he wanted her, after he'd told her he loved her, that he wanted to really date her, that she was special. I could understand that completely, especially with Sirius being the way he was with girls. She wouldn't want to be just another of the many girls he went through to have someone in his bed.

"You need to face him, though," I said softly. "I don't mean just sit him down and tell him everything, but you need to treat him a bit more normally than you're doing."

She sighed, rubbing her eyes.

"I suppose you're right," she admitted. "It's just...I'm terrified of facing him again, knowing...knowing that he won't ever love me." Amy leaned her head against the bathroom wall. "D'you think he'll ever fall in love?"

Honestly, I was fairly convinced he was already in love with her, whether or not he knew, and I wasn't about to rule it out even if she was.

"Maybe," I said judiciously. "But we should really go to bed, Amy. Classes start tomorrow, remember?"

She nodded, pulling herself off the floor and following me out of the bathroom.

We settled in our beds, finding that the other girls were all asleep, or at least pretending. I pulled my bed hangings closed and stared at the ceiling for a while until I could hear Marlene McKinnon snoring, which she only did when she was very tired and deeply asleep. Then I closed my eyes and thought of Remus.

Amy knew what she had to do. She just was terrified. But I...I didn't know what to do, still. I knew what everyone told me was right, but how could it be right if I felt so afraid?

My fears came, in a sense, into fruition the following day when I realized that there was nowhere to hide when Remus cornered me in the library as I did some extra Herbology reading. I blushed, gripping the edges of the book self-consciously as he sat down. He was also blushing, and it surprised me to realize that the first thing I thought of was how attractive he was when he blushed.

The second thing I thought of was that he had a fresh scar above his left eyebrow.

I frowned a little to myself, my hopes that the situation would decide for me whether or not I could be with him dashed.

"How were your holidays, Sarah?" he asked, every bit of his tone and inflection suggesting how nervous he was. But I was nervous too. I didn't know nearly enough to make my decision. I wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid, and I knew that if I did let myself kiss him and realize later that my fears were too great to stay I would only hurt him more.

"They were okay," I said honestly. "Nothing grand, just the usual. How were yours?"

"Just the same as they always are," Remus said with a shrug, seeming a bit encouraged with my friendliness. It was strange to me, because all I had done was answer a question.

I wondered if he couldn't feel the sense of awkward that was descending on me fast. On the one hand I was intoxicated with his presence. On the other, I really was afraid of him, even though we were in the Hogwarts library and it wasn't a full moon and there was really nothing he could do to me, even if he wanted to.

And I really didn't think he did.

"I appreciated your Christmas present," I said, thinking of the chocolate and the beautiful dress he'd gotten me, which must have cost him far more than he should have been spending on anyone, much less on a girl who wasn't even sure whether or not she wanted to date him. Admittedly, if he was using it as a plea for more and better consideration it had worked, but the pity that welled up in thinking of how sweet he was confused the whole matter and it decided nothing.

"I'm sure it will be beautiful on you," he said in a lower voice. "I look forward to seeing you wear it in spring."

As far as anything could be beautiful on me, I was quite sure he was right. It would flatter my best feature, my legs, and wasn't so brightly colored that it would wash me out. Where other people flattered me, I knew Amy was right when she said I was monochromatic and bland to look at. I had potentiality, but I wasn't beautiful, especially compared with her, Vanessa, and Lily. Even in the dress, they would outshine me in sackcloth.

It was just one of those facts of life.

"Thank you," I said politely, still gripping my book. I had a pretty good idea of why he had approached me, and it had nothing to do with how the dress would look on me. As if realizing my anxiety he brought the conversation to its point quickly.

"I know it's not right away," Remus said slowly, "as James so eloquently pointed out this morning. But perhaps for similar reasons, I thought it might be prudent for us to discuss…well, the possibility of Hogsmeade next month."

Just hearing him hint at going with me again made my heart race.

But it also made my palms begin to sweat anxiously.

I closed my eyes, hoping that not feeling presented with the issue so immediately would help, but nothing became clearer to me.

"Remus," I sighed, opening my eyes again and looking at his hopeful face. "I really am considering. You have to admit, it's not a simple decision. There's a lot to think about. I'm not saying no because I really like you, but I need to think things over still."

His eyes didn't dim entirely, but the sharp extinction of much of their shine made a knot of guilt grow tight in my stomach.

"Of course," he said, his voice a bit lower, but not seductive like before. He felt defeated. I didn't know how to communicate to him that this wasn't a refusal. Everything I thought of was too close to a lie in my eyes. I didn't want him to think that he was winning out over my fears.

Because he wasn't. Everything was in an absolute deadlock.

"I should probably go get ready to patrol," he said weakly.

Prefect duties as an excuse not to face me. I sighed and nodded, mentally kicking myself as he left.

The problem was that I'd told him the absolute truth. The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't have any kind of answer, and he needed and deserved an answer.

I buried my face in the book in front of me and sighed, frustrated. Why wasn't there some kind of questionnaire you could take in moments like this where nothing seemed clear or persuasive?

Well, there was the Witch Weekly crap, but I didn't want to mess with that. I wanted something that would actually give me proper answers. Those things only made me feel confused about my own self-confidence.

Realizing that I was getting nowhere with my studying I checked out the book and returned to Gryffindor Tower, my head still spinning with thoughts of what to do about Remus. Every attempt at clarity just confused me more, and every time I thought I could grasp the way to turn it would only lead me further into the darkness.

"Sarah?" Amy asked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm just tired. I shouldn't have done extra studying so soon after getting back. Good night, Amy."

"Good night," she said, watching me skeptically as I crawled changed my clothes and crawled into bed, praying for the peace of sleep.