JustSomeRandomReader01: Ask, and you shall receive. But later; right now we must deal with Pirates of Caribbean gone bad.

He lost the bet. To be fair, Andryk justified to himself as he smacked his palm against his face for the hundredth time, it was because she assaulted him again.

He'd seen the ship at Urialla's Harbor the moment he stepped out of the inn. It was a huge vessel. The second thing he saw was the flag waving lazily above the crow's nest—a dark amber flag with a sneering black skull and a sword clenched between its teeth. The pirates weren't too happy to see his face. In fact, they looked about ready to jump him. A short command by their captain made them heel. She looked to Andryk with a gracious smile that seemed to ooze 'you're welcome.' Andryk desperately wished the captain had been a man so he could punch that condescending grin off without feeling bad.

As they pulled the ramp up from the dock, Ronja had the navigators set the course towards the cove. "Trapper's Cove" was what Andryk heard her call it. What a friendly, pleasant name.

Aegis was running exuberantly around the deck, overjoyed by the sheer size of the ship. She weaved between the bustling crew, eliciting cries of disgust everywhere she went. Finally, she stood at the bow to let her tongue flap in the wind like the skull flag. Ronja beckoned Andryk to her cabin, and spent the next few minutes discussing payment for the clearing of the cove. Surprisingly, the Pirate Queen kept her hands to herself the entire time, though she seemed to make a game out of conducting Andryk's line of sight with little teases. Andryk tried to stare her in the eyes as he insisted his 25/60 payment, but found his gaze flickering down to her thighs when she uncrossed her legs. Or to her chest when she played with the edge of her collar. Or to the reflection in the vanity mirror when she leaned forward and let the waist of her pants slide down.

"60 crowns for a siren?" Ronja repeated with feigned shock. Andryk tore his eyes away from the neckline she had been gently tugging down. "My, my, that's quite a lot, isn't it? Have a tough time with sirens?"

"That's the only price I'll take."

"Oh, Andryk." He had no idea how she knew his name. He never told her. "You'll bleed me dry that way. Girl's gotta eat."

"Cut the bullshite," Andryk growled. "Or ye can clear the cove yerself."

"While you do what? I don't carry deadweight on my ship, witcher. We're already almost 20 nautical miles from An Skellig and any kind of landmass. Although…" Her legs dangled off the vanity as she leaned back to examine him. "You're much too cute to throw overboard." The compliment would've been flattering if she didn't make it sound like she was talking to a small animal.

"Do we have a deal or not? 60 crowns!" Andryk snapped, uncrossing his arms.

Ronja didn't answer. Instead, with her eyes closed, she tilted her head back and sprayed her neck with a small bottle. Andryk was hit with a gust of lemon and wintergreen. He saw the musculature in her neck as she stretched her head back, and that stirred him more than anything else for some reason.

As she lowered her head, Ronja replied, "Fine." She flicked the toe of her boot towards the door. "Dismissed."

Dismissing me like one o'her lackeys, that bitch! Andryk grumbled in his head as he tromped out of the captain's quarters. Have half a mind te toss her out and make her siren food. He whistled for Aegis, but the pup was having a very loud conversation with a shrieking gull.

He went into the room they had given him—well, more like a closet with a cot. Andryk kicked off his boots and settled onto his side. He could still hear Aegis and the gull. Two barks, followed by a shrill caw. Occasionally, he heard the scrabbling of her paws as she whirled around in tight, excited circles. What on earth could they be talking about? Maybe Aegis was telling the gull how she was a pirate dog now. Don't get too excited, little lass. This is only temporary. Soon as I get the money, I'm leavin' these scum-suckers far behind me. He fell asleep to the rhythm of two barks and one caw.

Soft steps awoke him. Andryk let his eyes open into slits, listening to the steps that came to his door. Then he remembered—shit! He'd forgotten to let Aegis in. Nights at sea during this time of year were still a bit chilly. As he rolled onto his back, he heard the door open.

Wait a second. As clever as she was, Aegis couldn't open doors. He sat up just as she closed the door behind her. She was barefoot—that's why she sounded so quiet. The circlet around her head was gone too, and so was the belt. Her white blouse billowed loosely around her hips.

"What—?" She was on top of him before he could utter another word. Her hand wrapped around his neck and she pushed him back down. With one hand planted on his stomach, she started grinding on him. Andryk realized the blouse was the only thing she was wearing. His trousers were going to smell like her for a week if she kept going.

"Get o—."

Her hand tightened around his neck. It wasn't enough to block his airway, but it was enough to hoist his colors. She shushed him, her voice growing softer as she leaned forward until their faces were barely an inch apart.

"Shut up and fuck me."

Andryk wasn't the type to tell a pretty face 'no.'

Well, Andryk thought as he rolled groggily onto his side, Ronja had just ruined all other women for him. That was both good and bad, but mostly bad since he was planning to leave her in his dust after everything was said and done.

She'd left after cleaning up, without even a "good bye" or "good night." Pretty rude in his opinion, especially since he was sure he'd given her a good ride too. As she left, Aegis slipped into the room. Andryk groaned when he felt her paws kneading his back. Aegis whined, begging for a spot in the tiny cot. Giving in, Andryk squished himself against the wall and felt the pup crowd against his back.

Now that he had a moment to quietly reflect, he realized something had been rather strange. He thought back to her—she'd looked perfect in every way and more, but… One of her breasts had been deformed. Pink scars had streaked around a hollowed indent as though a chunk had been taken out. It was just below where the neckline of her blouse went. She must've worn padding to hide it, Andryk supposed. He wondered what happened. But from the moment she stepped in, he never had a chance to ask, being too overwhelmed the entire time. Maybe she'd been sword fighting and her opponent landed an unfortunate blow. Or she'd taken a dip in the ocean and had been attacked by a horny shark.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a trumpet from Aegis's ugly end. Even worse, he felt the vibrations against his back. Andryk buried his face into the pillow. "Fucking hell."

Andryk had already been stirred awake by the rough boots and grumbling that approached his door. Aegis was still snoring contently against his back. Then the door shook with rattling knocks, and the pup's head flew up.

"Aye?" Andryk grumbled, staring at the wall in front of him.

"Cap wants ye on deck, so get'chur freakish arse up there!"

Andryk groaned and rubbed circles over his eyes. The cot gently sprang up as Aegis jumped off and began pawing the door. Andryk rolled over to look at her. She had paused to stare at him over her shoulder, but once she had his attention she resumed her pawing. The little lass was telling him she had to go relieve herself.

Muttering strings of curses to himself, Andryk leaned over the edge of the bed and stretched a hand towards the doorknob. He managed to turn it, and Aegis shoved the door open and raced out. To be honest, Andryk needed to empty the watering pipe himself. Maybe they'd let him fire away from the edge of the deck, but he doubt he'd get any privacy if he did that. There was probably a bucket somewhere in the galley he could use…

Andryk sat up and pulled his gear on. As the sheets and clothes rustled, he smelt lemon and wintergreen. He pulled the heavy metal and hide coat over his head and, as he pulled on the straps to tighten the armor to his form, thought back to the previous night. She really had been something. Andryk wondered if that was all she was going to give him, but… Thinking about it, there was probably going to be more.

He wasn't in love, no. Andryk had decided that Aegis was as close as he was going to get to love. To be honest, he wasn't really sure what love was, aside from what he could observe from Oslan and Arda. And he definitely didn't feel that way about the pirate whore. She was just fun—like a drunk round of gwent.

As he climbed up the steps, he heard a ruckus up on deck—angry shouting that included "mutt" and "skin that rat." Well fuck, it seemed Aegis dumped her burden where she wasn't supposed to again. Andryk rose up onto the deck, preparing to rescue the poor pup. He saw Aegis cowering against the main mast as a deckhand slowly advanced on her, pounding his large fist into his other hand. "Finally got ye," he growled. "I'll show ye wot 'eppens te lil'mangy troublemakers…"

Andryk quickened his steps. Suddenly, a familiar, sleek figure appeared beside the deckhand, hands planted firmly on the curve of her hips.

"What do you think you're doing? What makes you think you have the free time to waste by chasing the dog around?" Ronja snapped.

"But Cap, it—."

"Left you a mess that you still haven't cleaned up," the Pirate Queen interrupted. "And if in the next minute I don't see that area spotless, I'm feeding you to the drowners!"

The deckhand hurried away without another word. Andryk watched as Ronja knelt down and offered a hand to the shivering Aegis. "Come here, dog," she coaxed gently. "Come to me. I won't hurt you." Aegis stared at Ronja's hand, and then slowly stretched her nose towards it. She tiptoed towards the woman and finally relaxed when Ronja rubbed her head. "There you go, you little… weird thing." The naked tail started wagging. Aegis lifted her head and presented to Ronja the patch of boils on her neck, her favorite spot to be scratched. Most people were turned off at that point, but Ronja rubbed the patch without any hesitation. Aegis opened her mouth and let her normal eye droop lazily.

Given that it was the damned pirate whore petting his little girl, Andryk wasn't the least bit charmed. Hell, he was even a little jealous. Aegis was looking happier than ever. "Don't remember givin' ye permission te touch me dog," he snarled as he approached them.

Without looking up, Ronja replied, "I don't need permission from the likes of you, witcher. And you're late." She knew just how to push his buttons, especially his angry ones.

Rising, Ronja called out towards the wheel, "Anchor us down. This is as close as we get." With a finger, she beckoned Andryk to follow as she walked to the forecastle deck at the front of the ship. Aegis tagged along at her heels. The witcher gave a curt whistle. The dog slowed as she regarded him over his shoulder, then peeled away from the captain to go to his side.

"Why is it always a competition with you men?" Ronja wondered aloud as she climbed the three steps to the forecastle deck.

"I don't want her around a bad influence," Andryk grumbled back.

"Are you any better, frolicking with monsters and mutants alike?"

"Witchers are far better than pirates." Andryk spat out the last word.

"You run around and kill for pay. We're not so different, if you think about it."

"We have codes o'honor. Rules o'conduct."

"We have rules too," Ronja said, turning around once they reached the bow. "If they're alive, it's robbing. If they're dead, it's looting. Either way is fine." She smiled sweetly as Andryk glared wordlessly at her. Turning back to the bow, Ronja pointed to something in the horizon. "There, you see it? The cove. I stopped the ship about a cable and a half away. We can't get any closer, not until you kill the things that are guarding it. Well, witcher?"

"I need a sailboat."

"You'll have to do without. We don't have any of those."

"Yer kiddin'," Andryk said. "What, do ye expect me to swim the 900 feet te get te that fuckin' cove?"

"Andryk," Ronja cooed, slowly stepping towards him. Damn this pirate whore—she was using that honeyed voice again. "I thought witchers were tough." She had her hands on his chest and was gently pushing him back. "Stronger than the strongest man." Andryk felt his bum hit the deck railing. Ronja leaned up to him, engulfing him in that blasted perfume again. "900 feet should be no problem for you, right?"

"Are ye sure ye don't have a raft or—." She silenced him with a kiss that was as vigorous and passionate as the one on An Skellig. Andryk suddenly found himself growing lightheaded. Then he realized it was because he was starting to tip backwards. His eyes popped open as their lips parted. He saw a glimpse of that wicked look. The pressure of her hands left his chest. He tumbled through the air, seeing the side of the ship and the blue water fly in front of his eyes. There was just enough time for him to gasp for air before he felt the strong slap of water.

Fucking pirate whore! He oriented himself upward and broke through the surface. Andryk looked up and saw the underside of Aegis as she leapt from the ship. He followed her path through the air and turned his face away from the enormous splash she made.

"Give us a signal when you're done," he heard her calling from above.

"Ye didn't have te push me, ye damn bitch!" Andryk shot back. She chuckled in response as she disappeared from the edge. "Come on, little lass." Aegis paddled after him as he steadily swam for the cove. Oh, she must love the sight of him. Despite the cold of the water, Andryk's blood boiled.

Halfway there, Aegis grew tired. Andryk draped her onto his shoulders and continued swimming. As he neared the cove, he spotted sirens and harpies circling above the shore. Others were perched on pieces of wreckage that dotted the shallow waters. Andryk scanned the place, looking for an open spot to quietly slip in. He preferred confronting them on land, especially since Aegis was on top of his crossbow.

Andryk diverted from his path and made a wide arc to go around the cove. Towards the back, he found his lucky break—a short cliff that was far enough from any monster to avoid their detection. Andryk slowed and let the waves push him towards the cliff. When he hit the rock, he quickly grabbed onto it before the water could pull him back out. He shifted Aegis around to hold her under his arm. Then, with one hand, he scaled the short cliff one leap at a time. When they were close to the top, Andryk hoisted Aegis up and let her scrabble over the edge. He grimaced when the pup planted a wet hind paw directly onto his face. Then he climbed up himself.

Andryk took a moment to rest and survey the cove with his senses. Sirens and harpies were all he detected. He'd expected drowners to be attracted to the shipwrecked corpses, but the territorial, winged monsters probably kept them away.

Sirens and harpies were usually easy pickings. The problem was how dense their numbers were. The two of them could probably handle it, but they'd have to be tactical about it. And there was no way they were getting away unscathed.

Is this worth it? Andryk suddenly wondered. All this for that sly bitch. I wouldn't put it past her to underpay me once all this is done. She'll do what they always do—try and renegotiate a lower price. Not because she can't pay, but because she's a cheap, spoiled whore who always wants things her way. Aye, she'll cut the prices, and she'll bat her eyes and flaunt her tits until I agree. And what irked Andryk the most was that he knew he'd agree. She had that effect on him. He hated her.

What if I tricked them? Signaled them without clearing the cove? They'd sail closer and get picked off by the monsters. The thought made him smug. And yet another part of him reeled away from the thought of Ronja getting torn apart by sirens.

Then, the rational side of his mind spoke up. For some reason, he heard it as the voice of the grandmaster. That is dishonorable.

So what? They're pirates?

Does that make it okay to stoop to their level of trickery and murder?

It's not… it's not the same thing!

How so? Give me one reason.

They're the evil ones!

That reasoning is the very thing that gives way to war and bloodshed.

Damn it, why do ye always have te be right? Andryk scrubbed angrily at his hair, and then stood up. At the very least, he was curious to see what kind of loot Ronja had her eyes set on. He trekked quietly through the greenwood that covered the cove's hills. His medallion oscillated intensely as he approached the edge of the forest. The wide shore and wrecked ships were just beyond. The screams of the monsters were nearly deafening. A low growl rumbled from Aegis's throat. Andryk quietly shushed her and signaled her to be stealthy. The pup obeyed and crept on her belly after her master.

Andryk followed a wide semicircle to avoid the part of the beach where most of the monsters occupied. As he snuck between the last row of trees, he surveyed the wreckage. From the looks of it, there hadn't been only one ship that had run ashore. Some were old—green with moss and decay. The newer wreckages had sirens settled over them. The bones within them probably still smelled enough to attract them. The ruined ships were close enough together. Andryk came up with a plan to enter through one of the old wreckages and use the shelter of the ships to sneak into the newer ones.

The shore was covered in boulders large enough to cover him, but Andryk knew sirens and harpies used more than just sight to detect things. Fortunately, they were relaxed, preoccupied with screaming at each other and circling the air. Andryk hopped from one boulder to the other until he was close enough to the wreckage to make a quick dash for it. Once inside the mildewy shambles, Andryk paused to see if any of the monsters had been alerted. Everything seemed good.

"Stay close, little lass," he whispered to Aegis. She looked displeased to be stuck in an environment that smelled so bad. "I'm not faring any better, ye know."

His boots crunched softly on the wet sand as he crept between the chunks of wood. He spied the occasional skeleton of a deceased sailor among the beached flotsam. One skull had a starfish attached over its eye socket.

The place was picked clean, just like the bones of the sailors. Likely the work of pirates, though Andryk wondered how they managed to approach the cove. Maybe they had pillaged the ships before the monsters came to the island.

Suddenly, Aegis scampered from his side. Andryk turned to see her naked tail poking out from behind a large piece of the deck that had caved in. "Oi, little lass! No time for sightseeing!" The pup didn't move. Andryk heard her sniffing furiously at something. "Did ye find somethin'?" He came around the collapsed deck and froze.

He found himself staring at a skeleton. This one was considerably larger than the others he'd seen. It was wearing armor—metal and hide armor. Though it was tattered, Andryk recognized the armor's design. Without thinking, he slowly reached up and touched one of the ring buckles on his chest while gazed down at an identical ring buckle. When Aegis stepped up to sniff the corpse's skull, Andryk saw the Bear medallion resting at the top of the torn chest plate.

Aegis moved on to inspect the pack at the dead witcher's side. Andryk crouched down and opened it. The things inside were astoundingly well-preserved—old potions that had gone bad, shriveled ingredients, and a leather-bound journal. It was dry.

Andryk quickly opened the journal. The pages were yellowed, but the writing was still legible. Apparently, the witcher had used it to log his experiences. Andryk flipped to the last entry. It was dated from four years ago.

July 20, 1083

Found myself saddled with pirates again. They're not so bad to work with, not unless you find yourself working for a bunch of cheapskates. The king hates them—understandable, since they rob his people before raping and killing them. King's got enough wealth anyway.

This time, it's different. I'm working for their 'queen' now. Didn't know pirates had a hierarchy apart from sword-swinger and deck-scrubber. She's not what you expect from a queen. Half the time she acts like the mistress to a crew of slaves, and half the time she acts like a succubus. Not complaining about the latter. She's a little too young for my tastes, but she's old enough to have a body and she knows how to use it.

What they want me to do is simple: clear out a cove. Their queen explained it while she was rubbing her tits all over me. They chased a merchant's ship until it got attacked by sirens and crashed into the cove. Now they want me to do clean up duty before they swoop in and snatch the goodies. Seems simple enough. And from the sounds of it, they're paying me in crowns and sex. Not a bad deal.

There was another entry written on the next page, apparently from the same day.

Heard something interesting earlier. Some of the pirates got a little too friendly with the drink and spilled out this little nugget—the cove, Trapper's Cove as they called it, is their little surefire way of downing single ships. They've been using it for years. Apparently, they intentionally steer the merchants towards it so that the sirens get them. Their goods stay nice and safe on the shores until they can get a witcher to do their dirty work. Then, they wait until the cove becomes populated with monsters again—like reloading a crossbow. Trapper's Cove. Aptly named.

They sent their own pirates in at first to kill the sirens. Didn't work. Then they sent the strongest warriors they could find. Didn't work. Then they sent witchers.

I wonder how many men that whore queen has seduced. She seems to know the tune any man dances to, and she plays it well. She's a dangerous one.

After he was done reading, Andryk slipped the journal back into the pouch, closed it, and returned it to the dead witcher's side. Aegis was down by the corpse's frayed boots, smelling the soles. "Come on, Aegis," Andryk grumbled, walking away from the corpse. The pup perked up her head and hurried after him.

They bothered him more than it should have, those words about her. He didn't know why they made him so angry. Was it because they told him he'd been played like a bard's lute? Or was it because they told him that he hadn't been the only one she'd kissed like that?

The fuck does it matter? Andryk emerged from the ruins of the old ship and slipped into the neighboring one. He stopped when he saw a harpy roosting only a few feet away and quickly ducked behind a piece of debris. His hand reached back and had just touched the grip when he heard a shriek come from outside the wreckage. The harpy near him screeched in reply and launched itself out of a hole in the hull.

Andryk peeked from behind the debris, his eyes darting around to survey his surroundings. The coast was clear. He emerged and stepped softly as he examined the interior of the dark belly of the ship. This was the newest wreckage. Andryk saw barrels, crates, and racks of fabric scattered around the hold. His gaze suddenly fell on a small chest that had been thrown into a corner. It was locked, but one of its sides was smashed. Andryk caught a bit of red peeking from the splinters.

It looked important—as if the locked chest didn't say enough. Andryk hurried over and crouched down. He brushed the wooden shreds aside and pulled the thing out. It was a large red stone—uncut ruby if he had to guess. The rock was as large as his fist, gauntlet and all.

"Look at that, little lass," Andryk murmured, offering the stone to Aegis. She sniffed at it and gave it a curious lick. When she discovered that it was tasteless and not delicious at all, she immediately lost interest. "Big ol'chunk like this ought te fetch a mighty price in the underworld." The merchants that had crewed this ship lost their lives for this little heart-sized stone. This was what the Pirate Queen had run them into the cove for.

An idea crossed Andryk's mind. He turned the stone around in his hand, watching the dim ray of light shine on the ruby's smooth, clouded surface. He was going to clear the cove, not because she asked but because he wanted to confront her for answers. And when she came sauntering in to collect her dirty reward, there was going to be a catch.

Andryk tucked the ruby protectively into his pouch. If she wasn't going to play fair, then neither would he.

I took an oath, but I'm giving it up

You didn't have to see things my way

Nothing more than a casual fuck

Isn't that just how we operate?

Let's drink to feelings of temptation

You and I, we're an overnight sensation

"A Party Song (The Walk of Shame)"—All Time Low

Addendum: Any dog owner is very acquainted with the whoopsie-poopsie.