Title: Dysphoria

Summery: Reincarnation isn't always like it is in the fanfictions. Sometimes, you end up in a body you would never expect to have ended up in. Sometimes, you end up in a body, that is completely wrong. SI OC

Note: Umm... this chapter has a few comments about 'real' woman, as well as depressive thoughts.

Seeing my pups again was an open relief. I nearly cried then and there, feeling a whine in the back of my throat slip out as I studied them. They were fine- they looked healthy, alive. Sakura had scraped up and down her face, and blood on her chin. Naruto was missing his jacket, leaving him in a black shirt and his orange pants. Sasuke...

Sasuke looked tired, torn. He was wincing, stretching his neck and hissing slightly. I zeroed in on his neck, cursing as I realized Orochimaru had marked him.

I tuned out the Hokage as he spoke to the genin- basically telling them that this was a way to try and pick off the possibly lethal ninja before they were actually a threat. It was why we tried to generally match our shinobi up with non-village shinobi- though with only the Suna team and the rest...

Wait...

I looked over the teams again- slightly confused. I was fairly certain that the Sound ninja had been part of the Chunin exams, though I also thought they may have all gotten knocked out.

Maybe I was remembering things wrong, though. My gaze drifted to my genin, and I felt my back stiffen.

Sakura was wearing red, so I didn't quite notice until then- but there were dark splashes on her, very dark splashes. I eyed her closely, noticing how she was pale, and breathing a bit oddly.

"...She killed." I muttered to no one, almost inaudibly as the Hokage finished his speech, Kabuto raising his hand to be taken out of the exam. Sakura hadn't killed before- she had been unconscious during the battle. She only really woke up to the aftermath.

I didn't pay attention to the board- I already knew they were automatically picking Sasuke to go first, though who his opponent was I had no clue. I just focused on Sakura, as Naruto gently led her up to the sidelines. I passed by Sasuke, stopping slightly.

"Don't use your eyes," I told him quietly. "That seal is designed to feed on chakra and negative energy." Sasuke nodded slightly, his gaze on Sakura, and I went up to her.

"Sensei..." Sakura said as I approached. "I... I... I didn't... they were attacking us, and wanted to kill us, I had to! I had to..." I grabbed her shoulders and squeezed them.

"I know Sakura, I know," I told her, making her look me in the eye. She was frozen for a second before she sobbed, and hugged me. I held her as my attention turned to where Sasuke was fighting... huh, Chouji. I was fairly certain that hadn't happened in the canon verse... though it might have.

"I don't feel bad." she suddenly said and my attention went back to her. "I don't feel bad and I killed them, I killed them and-"

"Hey, Sakura- they were trying to kill you," I told her firmly. "They were there trying to kill you, you defended yourself. You have nothing to feel bad about." I hugged her tighter as Sasuke dodged Chouji's meat tank, looking bored.

"Come on Chouji!" Asuma groaned as Ino crept over, looking worried.

"I feel like I should, though."

"Taking a life is a horrible experience- but at the same time, you're the only one who gets to decide if you should feel bad or not. No one else." I told her. Ino smiled and reached out to bring her girlfriend into a hug as I turned back to see Sasuke knockout Chouji, much to the disappointment of Asuma.

"Argh, I thought bribing him would work," he complained. I shook my head, patting him on the shoulder.

"You just haven't figured out how to really get him going," I told my fellow sensei before I jumped off and headed to Sasuke, dragging him off to an empty room set for a sealing. I'd figured out a few possible ones to use and decided on a combination of promoting good intentions/ward against evil/chakra containment on top of using the seal that was used to seal Anko's seal. Hopefully, it would work.

"Alright, here we go," I muttered as I began to paint around Sasuke, the young boy bored in the middle of the room. "I'm proud of you by the way," I remarked to him.

"It was too easy," Sasuke grunted, and I rolled my eye.

"Take the compliment Sasuke-kun," I told him. I worked quickly to set up the seal, answering questions as I worked.

"Are you actually trained in this?"

"Eh... kinda. My sensei was the Fourth, and he was a seal master. You don't spend that much time with a master and not pick things up." I wrote on Sasuke's back, making him twitch at the feeling. "My teammate Rin was a medical-nin- she picked up a bit more than I did. Obito was the best of us but he wasn't to interested honestly." I finished the next line of the seal, painting up Sasuke's arm.

"Will you be teaching us any?"

"Maybe," I grunted. "It takes a fair bit of imagination to actually be good at it. Rin and I were pretty serious kids while Obito was full of ideas. If I do teach you guys the basics, I'm betting Naruto blows us out of the water." I finished the final line and took a breath. "Alright- you might pass out after this Sasuke," I warned him and he took a slow breath as I blurred my hands through the symbols. "Seal!" I jabbed at his shoulder and the ink around us moved, jerking into a tiny circle.

Sasuke cried out, gritting his teeth as the seal worked, trapping the Cursed Seal. I caught Sasuke and chuckled.

"Poor kid." I murmured, about to pick him up when I heard a voice.

"Oh, I agree." I turned my head to look behind me, eye wide as I spotted Orochimaru standing behind me, smirking. "Hello, Kakashi-chan." I laid Sasuke down and stood, moving to stand in front of him, my hand clenching. "Oh, don't be like that."

"I'm sorry," I began, using the blood in the ink I had used to call my dogs, all of them on edge. "But I don't really understand how you think I should react to a traitor." I activated my Chidori as I glared at Orochimaru, teeth bared as I protected Sasuke. The man didn't even flinch, simply smirking at me.

"A traitor is I?" he pondered out loud. "So, you don't consider trying to revive the founder of Konoha's kekkei genkai a service to Konoha?"

"Not when you mean to keep it to yourself." I snapped, "Not when you use Konoha citizens as experiments!"

"And do you know what came of those experiences Kakashi-chan?" he purred silkily, a sly smile on his face. I snarled, the Pack growling with me as we stood there. I wasn't strong enough to fight him. He was a Sannin, one who hadn't aged despite how long it had been. He was in his prime, wiser and older than ever.

I wouldn't stand a chance- I'd probably barely be able to hold him off.

"What would you do if I offered you the chance to have a fully functioning female body?" I jerked, the lightning on my hand still crackling. My dogs snarled, but Pakkun whined a bit, eyes wide. "I could give you one. A female body with all the correct parts, that work completely fine. You could even get pregnant." His smirk widened. "That's what I learned- a complete change."

"...A real body?" I said, unable to stop myself, as I stood there, the lightning crackling around my hands dimming a bit. Orochimaru's smirk turned into a sly smile, and I felt my back tingle as he took a step forward. Bull growled lowly, but even he seemed shocked.

"A true body, yes. No more strange impulses, no more boners." He said, and for a minute, I could see it. A fully functioning body- a real one. A one with a vagina, a one without a penis, with curves. "You could be everything you ever wanted, you could be yourself completely."

No more pain, no more wanting to throw up when I felt my boner. I felt a tear in my eye, as I stared at Orochimaru.

A real body. Not this slab of meat, the suit that was ill-fitting. I could carry my own child, I could be a woman.

No more pain, no more anger, no more sorrow.

I could be a real woman.

"All you need to do is give me Sasuke-kun." I stopped short, eye widening, as Orochimaru spoke. I stared at him, then looked at Sasuke passed out on the ground. For a second, I considered it. For one bitter, terrible second I thought about it.

I will never forgive myself for that second.

"Fuck you." I snarled, the curse angry and bitter. I snarled at him, the Pack growling with me. Orochimaru rolled his eyes, before he turned, throwing over his shoulder, casually,

"At least think about it." I glared at him and turned to Sasuke, who lay on the floor still. I picked him up and turned away, heading towards the medical ward.

"Pack," I spoke, a snarl still in my throat. "Stay and protect him."

"Got it Kashi," Pakkun growled as I entered the room. "The pup will be safe with us." I handed Sasuke off to the medics and headed back to the arena. Before I entered, though, I took a minute, leaning against the wall, holding back angry tears.

I hated myself for that. I felt all the inner rage towards myself pump in me. I slowly breathed out, trying to ignore it, trying to get it under control, but it felt like I was being pulled under.

What good was I, if I nearly broke? I didn't deserve to be their sensei. I didn't...

I breathed in firmly and pushed it away. I needed to go back in. I needed to push it away. I needed to focus. I entered the room, heading up to my students, Naruto watching the current fight- the Suna-nin with the cat hat against Lee. Lee was currently winning. Puppets really didn't work against someone that fast. Sakura was leaning over Ino who slumped against the wall.

"Kashi-sensei!" Naruto said upon seeing me. "Is Sasuke okay?" Sakura moved away from Ino, who was knocked out, towards me.

"Yeah, he's fine," I said, smiling at my students. "Is Ino alright?"

"Yeah- she went against Shikamaru and he knocked her out," Sakura said, smiling. "Naruto and I haven't gone yet," I grinned behind my mask.

Of course, they didn't- I wasn't there. I looked around and realized that Hinata was gone while Naruto was giving Neji dirty looks.

I didn't want to know.

"Uzumaki Naruto and Akado Yoroi!" was announced next, and I cheered alongside Sakura, my hands moving to tell the Hokage and Anko what had been going on while I was fixing Sasuke's seal. The two signed back their understanding and I turned back to watch the match.

I didn't tell them how I reacted. I was to busy trying not to vomit at the thought, unable to understand why I had even thought about giving up Sasuke. He was my pup, my everything.

At the same time... I had lived longer then him, I had been stuck in the wrong body for so long I wanted to scream. I was done, done with everything and I just wanted it to end. I just wanted to be normal, to be like everyone else, I didn't want this life. I didn't choose it.

But then again, no one really does.

"As soon as I touch you you're dead." snarled Akado, and I turned my focus, trying not to think anymore. Naruto snorted.

"That just sounds like a bad movie." Akado snarled and moved incredibly fast, slamming his hand onto Naruto's head.

"As soon as I touch you I drain chakra! Let's see how long you last."

...

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" three voices broke out, my mood turning a bit as I fell over backwards laughing, Sakura falling onto her butt. Naruto was cackling like a mad dog, a grin on his face.

It was about two minutes later that Akado started looking worried.

"Why aren't you..."

"Hmm... possibly because my chakra levels are higher then a Kage's?" Naruto asked in a mocking tone, looking incredibly amused as we waited, Sakura and I still laughing, now joined by Chouji, Lee, Gai and even Kiba, all of us snickering. Even the Hokage was chuckling, Anko joining in with a cackle.

It took barely two minutes later for Akado to give up trying to drain Naruto- now suffering from Chakra poison from having to much chakra.

Easiest win ever.

"Nice job pup." I told him, ruffling his hair, ignoring the looks we got. Naruto grinned up at me playfully.

How could I have thought of giving up a pup?

I watched the next match in a detached way- Tenten against the lone Suna girl.

I didn't want to remember the second of consideration. I didn't want to think about it when I knew it would torment me. How could I have? How could I do that to my pup? How could I consider doing that to Sasuke, who was betrayed?

I barely noticed Tenten using her scrolls, didn't pay attention to her loss, to wrapped up in my thoughts until...

"Haruno Sakura and Gaara!" I felt a rush of dread as I stood there, watching as Gaara vanished from the stand to land on the floor, Sakura jumping down. I watched as the other two Suna-nin jerked in a bit of horror.

Gaara... oh...

I clenched the railing, feeling my heart pick up as Naruto frowned, staring at the arena.

"You can do it Sakura!" Ino cheered, having woken up. I bit my lip nervously.

Sabuka no Gaara. The holder of the Ichibi.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself. I had the utmost faith in Sakura, but... this was probably ten times more dangerous than anything else I had seen.

"Sakura will be fine... right sensei?" Naruto asked me, and I looked at him, before forcing my eye to curve up in its typical smile.

"Of course!" I assured him. She had her strength, she was fast. She could hit hard and work hard. I had to believe in her.

It started with the two watching each other, studying one another before Sakura suddenly moved, jumping backward as a tentacle of sand reached out and tried to grab her. She danced away before she threw herself at Gaara, her fist slamming into a shield of sand.

I watched, dimly hearing Naruto cheer Sakura on as it went. Sakura moved, ducking a more and more sand, trying to punch Gaara. It was obvious she was getting angrier and angrier. She jumped over another sand tentacle, and threw herself towards Gaara with a scream,

"SHANNARO!" A sand wall came up but she went through it, slamming into Gaara and throwing him back. She grinned viciously, moving into a kick, and breaking the wall again.

"GO SAKURA!" Naruto cheered, and I laughed wildly at the shocked gazes of the Sand ninja.

"That's my girl!" I cried in joy as she moved. I knew if I removed my headband I would see her pumping chakra into herself. I watched as she moved, dodging and hitting. I felt pride rush through me as she grinned, about to hit again-

A sudden crack filled the arena, and time seemed to freeze. Sand had landed on Sakura as she fought, and it seemed to have slowly gone up to her neck, moving dreamily until it twisted.

Sakura was suspended in air until the sand left and I watched, feeling my body zero in on it.

She hit the ground and all I could do was watch. All I could do was stare.

"SAKURA!"

I told you that things would change, didn't I?