This is the chapter I hoped I'd never have to write.
Robin for Exalt
"In a nation of children, Santa Claus wins." -Rush Limbaugh-
"…Well of course Chrom supporters are going to say I flip-flopped. There's a lot of false attacks and misinformation out there. But the truth is—and I've been very clear about this—my position is the same as it's always been," Robin was getting absolutely hammered by the press. "I'm in favor of smart interventionism. Do good where we can, show restraint where we can't, and be thorough enough in how we collect and analyze intelligence to know the difference."
"On the Tellius matter you reportedly told Chrom—and I quote—There's no Ylissean interest. There's no reason for us to get involved. Fix your own problems before you fix someone else's. Our roads are crumbling, our schools are failing, and we owe Chon'sin 50 million gold." A reporter called her out on the inconsistency. "How is this not a change of position?"
"You're distorting my position again—I never said that." That was a closed-session of King's Counsel—those statements are protected by deliberative privilege. They can't prove that I ever said that. "I made my position very clear in the debates, and this has always been my position. I do not blanketly oppose intervention. It would be unreasonable to ALWAYS oppose intervention, irrespective of fact or circumstance. As it would be unreasonable to always favor intervention, irrespective of fact or circumstance. What we want to do is make sure we aren't getting involved in the wrong conflict, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Like we did in Magvel." Wrong conflict, Wrong place. Wrong time. That shouldn't be too many syllables for the Vaikes and Donnels.
"How is overthrowing Garon any different than Magvel, except that Chrom is against it now?" the press still wasn't buying it.
"This is COMPLETELY different from Magvel." Robin talked tactics. This part is going to go way over their heads. Wrong conflict, wrong place, wrong time? I definitely mentioned wrong conflict, wrong place, wrong time. "We have reliable, actionable, time-sensitive intelligence that anti-regime forces in Nohr are taking an armed stance against Garon. Now we have a limited window of opportunity here. Garon's barbarism has so inflamed his people against him that rebels openly defy his rule. He will now be thinking: Rebellions are like seeds. They must be uprooted before they grow. He will move against them. If we wait, if we do nothing while Windmire marches on Cheve, it will be a massacre. The people will know that to challenge Garon means death. THEN we're in a Magvel scenario where we have no friends. Nothing in place after the old regime collapses—and the old regime WILL collapse; Garon has lost his legitimacy to rule. And an ugly mess of militants and radicals—all unfriendly to Ylisse because we sat back and sent them our best wishes while Garon was cutting them down like wheat—vying for power. Furthermore…"
"IS IT TRUE THAT OWAIN LEFT YOU FOR SEVERA!?" The moment talk of Robin's policy positions shifted from scandal to substance was the moment everyone lost interest in Robin's policy positions.
"IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR PRIVATE MAGE-RING NEWORK WAS HACKED BY BERN!?"
"CHROM SAYS YOU'RE A WORLD-CLASS LIAR! WHAT'S YOUR RESPONSE!?"
"Yes. No. And Chrom continues to resort to name calling because he doesn't have ideas. Just look at his track-record. Job shortages, record debt, an economy rigged in favor of merchant-banks and nobles. Now what I have repeatedly said I'm going to do for Ylisse—and this is what this election is really about—is…"
"IS IT TRUE THAT YOU TOLD SEVERA YOU'D APPOINT HER TO PUBLIC OFFICE IF SHE LIED ABOUT HER AFFAIR WITH OWAIN!?"
Fuck these people.
"No one believes a word you say anymore. Have you noticed how no one believes a word you say anymore?" Chrom was enjoying this.
"Oh shut up. You were going to give GUNS to Corrin. He's fighting Hoshido, you know."
"Mmmm. Owain's last report had him repelling a push into Nhorian territory from Prince Takumi. He is...not the ally we hoped he would be."
"Garon will not risk the Hoshidan Army joining forces with the rebels in Cheve. The order to quash will come down any day now."
"And doing something about it was your idea?" Chrom mock-smiled. "That's your line, and you're sticking to it?"
"You'd have known that if you were running your war room. Instead of bumming around, acting like a frat-boy with Basilio."
"Right then. Let's go arm some rebels." Chrom produced a draft resolution authorizing the transfer of Ylissean arms to the Knights of Cheve. "This is what you had in mind; yes?"
"…This is…but you just said…" Robin reviewed. The proposal was sound. "You JUST said you decided not to arm the rebels. How are you going to present this to the Hierarchs?"
"Ohhhh; I'm not going to present this to the Hierachs." Chrom's smile widened. "You are."
"...Chrom..." Robin turned stern. "Lives are at stake here."
"Then you should have no problem convincing the High Council to go along with your idea." Chrom was showboating. Just a little. "I mean—hey—it's not like personal rapport and reciprocal favors counts for more than good policy when you try to move them. And that act you put on at the Grimspawn Hearings. They totally aren't going to hold that against you."
"…"
"Of course if you DON'T want to arm the Knights of Cheve...and...I don't know...maybe wanna redact that whole 'as long as our Exalt is weak and indecisive, we will keep seeing more of these attacks' bit…"
"…"
"Robin?"
"…give me the damn resolution..."
"Masterfully done, your grace!" back in King's quarters, Laurent praised Chrom's performance.
"Is Virion here yet?" Chrom changed out of his formalwear. "Gods; how many years has it been now?"
"You have a press conference with representatives of the Merchant's Guild first thing tomorrow morning concerning pending regulatory overhauls," Laurent reminded him. "They'll be expecting full working knowledge of subprime derivative trading and currency swaps. You need to be briefed."
"Didn't we JUST publish a manual of compliance goals and best practices?" Chrom really didn't want to sit through a lengthy, boring policy briefing.
"Yes. The Merchant's Guild read the manual, issued a statement that the Crown is trying to ruin their business, and is inciting panic that the new rules will lower wages and destroy jobs. Which is why we're holding this press conference. To address their concerns, and to explain why the new rules are necessary to prevent economic catastrophe."
"Fine, fine. We'll talk about it tonight. Is Virion here yet?" Chrom was kinda-sorta paying attention.
"Every single time you've started to overtake Robin in public confidence, you've followed up with a gaff and a backslide and killed your momentum," Laurent observed. "Robin is drowning in scandals. And with most recent showings, people are beginning to trust in your leadership again. I would STRONGLY recommend that you reschedule your outing with Duke Rosanne."
"You want me to spend the whole night studying financial regulations?" Chrom had other plans.
"I want you to sound like you know what you're talking about tomorrow. And not just for your campaign," Laurent clarified. "If master merchants are saying new trade regulations are bad for the economy and you can't articulate why they're in the wrong, there will be market panic."
"Oh; nobody likes the Merchant's Guild," Chrom scoffed. "The Merchant's Guild hates the new rules. To a man of ordinary means, that's a point in their favor."
"DUKE ROSANNE AND COMPANY; at the ready, milord!" Frederick announced.
"Laurent. You give me good counsel, and I listen where it counts. l will study up on policy before I make any important choices. But tonight, I've got an old friend to welcome into my country." Chrom sprayed himself with just enough cologne to hide the scent of stripper perfume from Sumia. "VIRION! YOU CRAZY OLD HERPES-SPREADER! You look great! Gods; you haven't aged a day!"
"I shan't deny it; the years have been good to me. You, my friend, have the look of a man who's seen better days." Virion found Chrom older and world-weathered.
"Aye. Marriage and politics. We can't all be 40-year-old bachelors now, can we? Who's the entourage?"
"An assemblage of most excellent gentleman and boon companions from my travels," Virion introduced his men. "Sir Sain of Elibe!"
"Ylisse is doing something right. Your women are gorgeous," said the knight.
"Sir Rennac, of Rausten."
"Ylisse is doing something right. Your princess is sane," said the scoundrel.
"Sir Kaden, of Hoshido."
"The Duke says I'm a chick magnet!" said the fox.
"Total chick magnet." Sain agreed.
"Foxtails. Floozies love foxtails." Rennac approved.
"Seven years and you haven't changed a bit!" Chrom marveled. "Treating crowns and hopping courts and fucking 'round the world."
"It keeps a man young." Virion handed the maid who took his coat a lovely rose, and the maiden swooned. "What are the festivities for the evening?"
"Well I figured we could appreciate the finery of high-society." Chrom japed. "A night at the opera house. A royal ball. Hors d'oeuvres and wine tasting."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"BAHHHHHH; I'm just fucking with you!" Chrom handed out shot glasses and his manliest cigars. "We're going to a titty-bar."
11:00 P.M.
"I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!" Sain motorboated an entertainer who looked like a sluttier version of Olivia with bigger jugs.
"For less than this in Rausten, a man would be put to death." Rennac had two dancers.
"You don't partake?" Virion had a stripper. Chrom did not.
"Married." Chrom flashed his ring finger and reminded the flowery playboy.
"But you and Sumia—that is to say—well , forgive my impudence, but I had heard…"
"I love my wife, Virion." Chrom set him straight. "We fight. We have our rough patches. But we always get through them. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'd never do anything to ruin that."
"Then you and Robin..."
"...there's certain parts of our lives that we leave in the past for a reason. What Robin and I had was—special. In its own time." Chrom poured himself a heavy, heavy drink. "Robin was a fun girlfriend. Sumia is the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Don't believe everything you read in the tabloids."
"…I see…" Virion had misjudged the situation. "But then why Melon Shakers?"
"Because I haven't seen you in 7 years. Because this is what you like to do. And because I'm nothing if not a gracious host." Chrom what not have it said that an old friend had come to Ylisstol and left bored. "I told Sumia we were coming here. She said she knows I'll behave myself and she's fine with it, as long as I don't come home smelling like strippers. I took care of that." Chrom still absolutely reeked of cologne.
"Such trust! A thing of beauty!" Virion had his own thing of beauty, doing things that would make Tharja blush. "Well if you aren't going enjoy the women, you should drink more."
"Well the thing about that is...I sorta have a press conference first thing in the morning. And there's this policy paper I'm supposed to read..."
12:00 A.M.
SLAP!
Sain got a handprint across the face from one of Rennac's ladies of the evening. "Be right back!" the man from Elibe slipped away with the other dancer. The one who hadn't given him a firm-handed what kind of a girl do you think I am? "Imma go fuck the tits off this one!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"You should drink more." Virion goaded.
"I should drink more." Chrom agreed. And out came the king's good gin.
1:00 A.M.
"…and that was how I wooed Maribelle. Simple enough. Now Sully—hah—there was a tricky one!" Virion retold the tale and passed around his smokes.
"Dude. You bedded—like—half the women in the Sheppards."
"…It was a lot more than half..."
"I bet it was. I bet—URRRRKKKKK." Chrom coughed violently. For a long, long time. "Good god man…" he finally managed to choke out. "What did you put in these?"
"Weed, mostly."
"MOSTLY!?"
2:00 A.M.
"I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" Chrom—waving his cape like a lasso—rode a formshifted Kaden across the countryside.
"...Hey Rennac…say it…" Sain chuckled.
"…I'm not gonna say it…you say it…" Rennac chuckled back.
"On the count of three; we both say it." Sain counted down. "One. Two. Three. WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY!?"
"Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!" Kaden—still formshifted, and with Chrom still mounted—stopped midstride, stood on his hind legs and danced a ridiculous dance.
Chrom went flying and got bruised up from head to toe. There was much rejoicing.
3:00 A.M.
"I love you so much," Chrom stumbled into bed and did sexy things to his wife.
"...tired…" Sumia murmured in her sleep, bothered, and reflexively pulled her covers tight.
"I really mean it. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
"You're drunk." Sumia woke up under his touch. "Mmmmmm. That feels nice."
"…Come here…"
"That feels really nice. AGHHHHH!"
8:00 A.M.
"…ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…."
SPLASH!
"WAKE UP!" Laurent shouted at the top of his lungs, dumping a full ice bucket over his King. "IDIOT!"
"Ugrhhhhhh…Shit…" Chrom gracelessly roused from his slumber and stepped out of bed, looking like a dead man walking. "What time is it?"
"YOUR PRESS CONFERENCE IS IN ONE HOUR! YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST DAMN THING ABOUT TRADE REGULATIONS!"
"…its fine…it's fine…I'll wing it…" Chrom chugged a vulnerary, washed up, and made himself look presentable. "I know how to speak off-the-cuff…"
"THE LAST TIME YOU SPOKE OFF-THE-CUFF, YOU TOLD 10 MILLION PEOPLE THAT WOMEN CAN'T GET PREGNANT FROM BEING RAPED!"
"LAURENT!" Chrom reasserted his authority, and the grandmaster stopped shouting. "It's cool. I've got this."
9:00 A.M.
"Concerning the adequate capitalization requirements for merchant banks and lending institutions; the new rules allow private banks to be put under government receivership if reserves are deemed critically undercapitalized," a troubled investor confronted the Exalt. "Who makes that decision, what happens to an undercapitalized bank after it goes into receivership. And what happens to my money if it's in the bank?"
"Great question! Terrific question!" Chrom gave them the old razzle-dazzle. "Let me tell you what we're going to do. We're going to pick the best people. Terrific people. People handpicked by me. I know all the best people. I know Miriel; best sage in the country. We've got Miriel running science and technology, right? I know Maribelle and Virion and Gregor. Terrific, brilliant people. Now you know that means whatever I do, I'm only gonna have the best people doing it. They're gonna get your failing banks, and it's gonna to be fantastic. You'll never have to worry about your money—we're gonna take such good care of your money. You won't believe how good it is."
"This is embarrassing," Lucina groaned.
"We're doomed," Laurent concurred.
"Can you specifically address how your people will determine when banks are undercapitalized?" The investor wanted an answer that was more of—well—an answer. "Is there a capital coverage threshold? A foreseeable risk assessment?"
"8%" Laurent muttered under his breath. "The capital coverage threshold is 8%."
"You know; maybe there's a capital coverage threshold. Maybe there's a foreseeable risk assessment. We'll negotiate the details. I'm a great negotiator. I don't wanna give out too many details right now, because we need to be flexible. "But I'm gonna negotiate the best rules. King Chrom negotiates all the best rules."
"Why can't you give a specific answer?" a reporter challenged the Exalt.
"I just gave you a very specific answer! Robin hasn't given a specific answer! Why isn't the media asking crooked Robin what she would do about undercapitalized banks? Do you know how much money Robin has taken from the banks? Why isn't anyone asking Robin how much money she's taken from the banks? This is what's wrong with this country, folks!"
"Robin has actually proposed that the capital coverage threshold be raised from 8% to 10%," the reporter corrected the record. "Do you think that would be wise?"
"Maybe we make it 10%. Maybe we make it 12%, 20%, 40%." Chrom threw out random numbers (Laurent damn-near had a heart attack). "We'll negotiate. No one's a better negotiator than King Chrom. Robin throws out numbers and they don't mean anything, because she's not going to do it. Robin is a world-class liar, right folks? Ask her about her grimspawn baby. How come no one every asks crooked Robin about her grimspawn baby?"
11:00 A.M.
"…That could have gone better…" Chrom admitted.
"40% CAPITAL COVERAGE THRESHOLDS!? Laurent was shouting again. "ARE YOU TRYING TO START A NATIONAL DEPRESSION!?"
"Nobody is going to walk away from that conference thinking I was pitching real policy proposals. The tabloids will be buzzing about what I said about Robin. Its fine."
"You looked like a buffoon." Lucina scolded. "You had a chance to completely blow Robin out of the water, and you ruined it. AGAIN."
"It was a stupid daytime press conference," Chrom brushed aside their worries. "Who even watches those?"
"THAT WAS THE GREATEST PRESS CONFERENCE EVER!" Cynthia ran in, super-excited and (for the first time) eager to engage in the election.
"…excuse me?" Lucina balked.
"Golly shucks—I was on the fence. But you sure got my vote!" Donnel declared for Chrom in earnest.
"…don't encourage his bad behavior…" Laurent tried in vain to put the genie back in the bottle.
"OH MY GOD CHROM; THAT WAS AMAZING!" Sumia ran in, gave her husband a giant hug, and produced the latest set of polls taken immediately after the press conference. "YOU'RE LEADING BY 6 POINTS! THAT WAS THE MOST POPULAR INTERVIEW YOU'VE EVER DONE!"
"Really?" Chrom cocked an eyebrow.
"Most of the time politics doesn't make any sense to me. But I understood all of that!" Cynthia chirped happily. "I feel better now!"
"You're talking some, good, down-to-earth, common sense there! It's like you're saying exactly what's on my mind!" Donnel agreed.
"Nooooo…that's…I mean…" Chrom was at a loss for words "…REALLY!?"
"Make Ylisse great again!" Cynthia cheered.
"Keep doing exactly what you just did. You're going to win." Sumia promised. "Get out there and give them an encore!"
And so Chrom did precisely that.
"Laurent. What's happening?" horrified, Lucina watched an enthralled crowd applaud complete and utter nonsense.
"…I don't know..." Laurent thought about it long and hard, and finally admitted. "I have no idea what's going on."