"I should've called you out

I should've said your name

I should've turned around

I should've looked again."

Centered around Journey To Regionals.

Rachel would literally not stop calling. It had been weeks since the incident, and she had not let up at all. And it hurt. I really wanted to answer, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. A part of me was furious and didn't want to ever talk to her again, but another part just wanted to accept her apology and go back to her house to cuddle with her.

Then one day Mercedes decided to ask about it.

"Quinn," Mercedes started, coming into my new room after knocking. She was holding the house phone. "This is the fourth time Rachel has called this week! Why don't you just talk to that girl before she has a stroke?"

"I don't want to talk to Berry," I mumbled, trying to keep up appearances. "Besides, she probably just wants me to duet with her in glee, or get my 'occasionally sharp' voice perfect for Regionals."

"Just talk to her," Mercedes insisted. It was what Puck had been begging me to do for a while.

"I can't," I heard my voice crack, and knew that I wasn't up for acting.

"Why not?"

It didn't matter anymore. It was over, and there was no one she could tell that could make it worse. "Because I'm in love with her," I whispered.

Her eyes widened for a second before she laughed. "That's a good one, girl. Make sure you save it for April Fools."

"I'm serious." I got a little louder. "I'm in love with Rachel Berry and have been since the day I met her." After I admitted it, I completely broke down crying because there was no hope left for me.

A beat passed, and then she was hugging me. "I don't know what the hell is going on," she whispered after a while. "But it's going to be okay."

"It's not. It will never be okay again," I cried into her.

"Why not?"

She didn't get it. She didn't know the whole story. And I wasn't really in the mood to tell her detail after happy detail of our time together.

So I only told her what was necessary.

And her response?

"Everything makes so much more sense now, and yet it doesn't. Why the hell would you and Rachel put yourselves through this?"

I shrugged, having used up the last of my ability to talk on telling her the story.

"Seriously, Quinn."

"Love." It was really the only word that could describe it.

"Ain't a love powerful enough for that," she stated, probably speaking more to herself than me.

The tears were coming back. "Obviously."

Then it hit her what she said. "Oh, Quinn. I didn't mean—"

"No, that's exactly what you meant," I replied, trying my best to put myself back together instead of reducing to a crying mess again. "And I… I've got to get over it."

"Yeah!" Mercedes confirmed with enthusiasm, probably happy that she finally knew what to say. "There are plenty of other people out there, and probably some that aren't near as annoying as her."

I laughed weakly before I felt my face crumple. "But that's what made her so adorable."

"Then there are plenty of people just as annoying as her!" Mercedes was quick to amend. "The point is, what you two did may have been out of love, but it was unhealthy. That's why it ended. You have to find someone that is good for you. With Puck and me for instance, that was never gonna work out. He's no good for me." She shook her head, as if to clear it of that experience. "We'll find someone."

I sighed. "You're right."

"Though we won't find each other. That may have happened with you and Rachel, and you know I love you, but we will never be that close," she stated.

This made me laugh again. She was just trying to cheer me up, and I recognized it. I pulled her in for a hug.

I was going to be alright. At least I hoped so.

My world was ending.

Sue Sylvester was going to be a judge for Regionals, whose victory decided whether New Directions had another year to compete. So glee club was over.

I failed a math test because of my inability to care about school anymore. So my chances of getting into Juilliard were over.

Worst of all, Quinn wouldn't even look at me, much less talk to me. So both my love life and only true friendship were over.

Which is why I will once again ask you not to judge my actions. I was desperate, and while I know that doesn't make it okay, I hope it at least doesn't make you hate me as much as I will come to hate myself in the days following.

In my delusional sense of desperation, I may have kissed Finn after he finished giving me a motivational speech about glee that might have had a compliment for me in it somewhere.

In the middle of a busy hallway.

With Quinn watching.

I was really getting better. I was moving on from Rachel and thinking that maybe, just maybe, there were other girls out there. Girls who I was willing to try to love as much as I had loved her.

Then she kissed him, and everything went to shit.

If she was going to kiss anybody other than me, it should've been the guy she admitted to maybe having feelings for; the guy that completely ruined our dysfunctional relationship. It should not have been the guy we both pretended to fight over for months for a stupid bet made only to pass the time.

She was over me. She was over me and as much as I tried, I couldn't successfully get over her. And it hurt.

I rushed to the bathroom after seeing them kissing, hoping that it would be empty and knowing it probably wouldn't be. It wasn't, so I continued to the auditorium, where I sat far away from where I first met her, and cried.

I realized something while crying in that auditorium: while I may never get over her, it would be okay, as long as I didn't let her draw me back in. I couldn't do that. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't. If I let myself back in that situation, it would just be inevitable that I would end up back in the same position I was in then: crying in the auditorium while Rachel kissed a boy.

So I took steps to harden my emotional walls and build up my defenses. That way when I finally got up and went to class, I would be cool and collected once again, hiding behind a wall that not even the force of nature that was Rachel Berry could knock down.

She never did knock it down; she slowly chiseled it away until she could get back in.

My walls would never be strong enough, and honestly, I'm immensely thankful for that.

I really hadn't meant for it to be anything more than a kiss. Really.

Then I found myself about to take the stage with him at Regionals, and hearing him say he loves me. It made me think. What if Finn was as good as it was going to get? What if Quinn never loved me again?

It was very likely that I had lost Quinn forever. She wasn't going to stop ignoring me, no matter how hard I tried.

And so I had to make the decision that if Finn was really all I could have, then I should take him and be grateful. I may never have an intellectual conversation with him, but at least I wouldn't be alone.

So I let him into my life, and I have never regretted anything more.

Something changed during that performance.

At the time, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that Rachel stopped looking sad. She was happy and joyful, and it wasn't acting. Most of all, she was no longer looking at me.

I didn't really have time to ponder over it, because right after we got off the stage, I ran into someone I thought I would never see again: my mother.

She called my name, and that stopped me in my tracks. I turned around to face her. "Mom. What are you doing here?" Then I realized that the only way she would be making contact with me is if somehow my father didn't know about it. "Is Dad okay?"

"I came to hear you sing," she admitted. "You were wonderful. I-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot?" I ignored her question, waiting to hear the full story. Dad wouldn't have just let her come to this. "I left your father. Well I-I.. I kicked him out, actually." I remember feeling immensely proud of my mom at those words. "He was having an affair with some tattooed freak. Quinnie, I want you to come home with me." As much as these words shocked me, I'm pretty sure they weren't the cause of what happened next. "I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh sweetie, say something."

"My water just broke," I managed to get out, and that was the end of that conversation.

Mom immediately sprang into action, saying she would pull the car around to the back of the building so we could go to the hospital. She told me to stay right there and she would be back soon.

Tina walked by just as my mom ran off.

"Tina," I said, stopping her.

She looked concerned. "Yeah, Quinn?"

"Could you go let Mr Schue know that I'm having my baby, and I won't be able to make the awards ceremony?" I huffed out right before a contraction hit. I doubled over in pain.

Tina got wide-eyed. "Um, yeah sure. But you know we'll all come with you, right?"

"No!" I almost screamed, not wanting Rachel to see me like this. "You should all um… stay here."

"Quinn, don't be silly. You're part of our family. We want to be there for you," Tina said with a smile.

I wasn't smiling. "Just don't bring Rachel," I said. "Please, Tina. I don't care who else comes, as long as it's not her."

"Are you two fighting again?" she questioned. Rachel hadn't told her?

Then I heard two honks, which led me to believe my mother was outside. I was saved from having to explain our situation. I put on my best glare. "Don't you dare let her come, Tina."

She nodded. "Okay, okay. I'm sure she'll want to stay to watch the other groups anyway." I was out the door before half of this was said. Everything hurt and I needed that damn baby out of me as soon as possible.

I was halfway out the door to join the others on the bus when Tina stopped me.

"What are you doing, Tina? We need to get to the hospital for Quinn now!" I cried, but she wouldn't let me by.

"Are you and Quinn fighting again?" she asked.

I sighed, irritated. "Is now really the time to explore my relationship, or lack of one, with Quinn?"

"She said she didn't want you going," Tina admitted. "And I don't want her after me. So I think you should wait here."

This almost reduced me to tears. Quinn didn't want me there? I knew we were fighting, but I didn't think she would go this far, so as to ban me from going to the birth of her child while letting the rest of the glee club go on ahead.

She obviously was still immensely angry with me. I wasn't going to make it worse, though, and force my way onto the bus. So I just shrugged and said I would stay to watch our competition.

Vocal Adrenaline was good. The choreography for "Bohemian Rhapsody" was absolutely fantastic. Though the only thing I could focus on was the guy on stage and how if it wasn't for him, I would be at the hospital holding Quinn's hand while she yelled obscenities at Noah and gave birth.

No, it wasn't his fault. It was entirely mine. I let myself get so caught up in my plans that I didn't even notice when they stopped making sense and started being real. I was the one who had pushed her away, and I was still doing it, only now it was with Finn.

After Vocal Adrenaline's performance, a call came from the hospital. Tina told me the good news of how Quinn was sleeping after successfully having a baby girl. It was a stab in the heart that I was standing in the middle of a crowded entrance hall in a theater instead of in the waiting room with them. However, I kept it together and thanked her for letting me know.

Quinn was a mother.

And because I couldn't bear to be alone, I sought out my own mother.

I congratulated her on her team's performance and just to keep the conversation going, I begged her to come teach at McKinley. Of course she said no, she was tired of coaching glee, she wanted a life and a family. But of course that answer would change in a couple years.

Then she asked where the rest of my team was, but I would later learn that she was asking only about Quinn, because there was no way Quinn would let me talk to her. That's when I had to explain they were all at the hospital. Her expression turned to concern, and I knew I couldn't stay with her anymore. Why I thought it was a good idea to come find her in the first place, I didn't know. Every time I saw her I ended up wanting to cry by the end of it, and this was the worst.

So I left her there, and went back to wait for the results.

I'm not writing about the birth of Beth. That's just not happening. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life and I do not wish to relive it.

When I woke up, I was alone. They had all left, I assumed, to go back to Regionals. That was perfectly understandable, seeing as I had been asleep.

Then I realized someone was holding my hand, and I wasn't completely alone. I panicked, thinking that it might be Rachel, until I glanced over and saw that it was my mom. She was asleep in a chair beside me, but she hadn't let go of my hand.

When I moved, though, she stirred.

"Quinnie?" she murmured sleepily, opening her eyes and looking at me.

"Hey, Mom," I whispered.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" she questioned, concerned.

I shook my head. Something had been bothering me though, ever since I saw her at Regionals. "How did you know about Regionals?"

She smiled. "Your friend Rachel sent me tickets." I froze, but Mom continued on, not sensing my shock. "She's such a nice girl, even when people are complete monsters to her. I may not have thought so in the beginning, but I think you made a very good choice in friends."

I was ready to cry. It was because of Rachel that my mother was with me. Even when I was ignoring her, Rachel was still trying to fix my life.

How was I supposed to get over her when she kept doing things like this?

And… we lost.

So glee club was officially over.

I probably would've been more upset about it had I not missed the birth of Beth. Quinn was way more important than the club, and now I had neither.

Though that doesn't mean I wasn't upset about it. I was upset enough to accept Finn's offer to go out for ice cream when we got back to Lima. I knew they wouldn't have a vegan option, but I didn't have the heart to disappoint another person that day and remind Finn that as a vegan, I didn't eat ice cream. So I hoped that maybe they had gotten some vegan ice cream due to my many letters.

They hadn't.

So I spent my night equal parts vomiting and missing Quinn. There was no sleep to be had.

Puck came back, after the awards ceremony. He said he came to give me the bad news about us having lost at Regionals, but right after that he helped me into a robe so we could go on an adventure to find the baby. That's what he called it: an adventure. He was probably just trying to lighten up the mood about this probably being the last time we would ever see her.

We couldn't keep her, and he knew that. But I can tell when he saw her again that he was seriously considering trying to find a loophole.

"Do you want to keep her?" he asked, his eyes only on her, probably wondering if I was thinking the same things.

I was, but I didn't want to encourage him. "No. Do you?"

He didn't respond. That was all I really needed for confirmation of my theory.

"Did you love me?" I asked. It had been something weighing on my mind for a while. When we had sex, I was distraught over Rachel and drunk off my ass. I wanted to know whether it actually meant something to him, or if he just wanted to be able to say he had banged the president of the celibacy club.

"Yes," he replied, nodding his head. "Especially now."

I hated the fact that he was in love with me. There was no way anything would come of it, and the fact that his feelings hadn't been diminished yet by that really made me feel pain for him. Then I realized that I was basically in the same situation, except with Rachel.

I looked over at him, and he grinned at me, as if to say he knew that it was stupid for him to love me. I smiled back because yeah, it was. Anyone who loved me always ended up hurt.

Then I heard footsteps approaching, and my smile faded. I wondered if it was Rachel; I hoped it wasn't Rachel.

It was close enough.

"Which one is yours?" she asked, and I looked over to see Shelby, Rachel's mom and the least likely person I thought would be there.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned.

She ignored my question, instead choosing to answer her own. "I see her now," she said, smiling. "She looks like you. Does she have a name?"

"No," I replied, right before Puck said, "Beth."

"Pretty," Shelby said, ignoring my statement again. "I like that name."

We all stood there staring at Beth for a while before she spoke up again. "Quinn, do you think it would hurt Rachel terribly if I adopted your child?"

Puck and I both just stared at Shelby. "No."

Puck glanced at me. "Actually, I think it would. Quinn's just mad at Rachel right now."

Shelby nodded in understanding. "Ah, so that's why Rachel was able to seek me out at Regionals." She gestured to Puck. "Would you mind giving Quinn and me a couple minutes alone?"

He nodded. "Sure thing. I'll just go get a snack from the vending machine. Q, you want anything?"

"I'm good, Puck. But thanks," I replied. He shrugged and went off in search of one.

"What are you and Rachel fighting about? Does she want you to come out?" Shelby gently asked once Puck was gone.

I shook my head. "Nothing like that. She um, she liked Jesse, when she was dating him. She was supposed to be using him for one of her master plans or something, but she actually liked him. And she was still kissing me and telling me she loved me at the time."

Shelby sighed. "So I guess this is all my fault."

I laughed lightly. "Yeah, it kind of is."

We stood in silence for a moment as she thought things over. "I think you should give her another chance. This isn't just because I'm her mother, though. When you two were together for just the few minutes in the auditorium that day, she looked absolutely in love with you."

"But she lied."

She shook her head. "Maybe she didn't lie. Maybe she was just confused. People get confused, you know."

"I don't know if it'll ever go back to the way it used to be," I admitted, looking back at Beth so I wouldn't have to look in Shelby's eyes. "Even if I do let her back into my life, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the fear of her loving someone else again."

"You never know until you try."

Maybe one day I would let Rachel back in, but it wasn't that day.

I looked up at her again after a minute. "You can adopt her."

"What?" She was obviously confused about the abrupt change of subject.

"My baby. You can adopt her."

"But Rachel—"

"I would feel better knowing she went to someone I know will take care of her, even if it means hurting Rachel's feelings down the line when she finds out. It is my baby, after all." Shelby was someone who I confided in; someone who gave me great advice when I needed it. She was also someone who I knew wanted desperately to be a mother, to have another chance at it.

"Okay."

Song: The Mess I Made by Parachute

A/N: So that's it for season one of Glee. It only took me 11 months to get here. To clarify, the next chapter will be focusing on the last few months of sophomore year, since I think Regionals happens in March. The chapter after that will cover summer, and then we'll get into season two.

I would just like to point out that this is the first chapter in which Rachel and Quinn don't speak to each other at all. And, unfortunately, it's not the last. Sorry.

I probably don't do it enough, but I want to thank you guys for reviewing (and, well, reading too). Without some of the reviews I get from you guys, especially the longer ones with your predictions and your emotions, I probably wouldn't be all that inclined to continue this. Because like I said before, this story has eaten up 11 months of my life. But when I see a review where someone really just 'gets' this story as much as I do, and they're excited, it makes me want to write. I really wish I had the time to reply to everyone, but with writing this massive thing and school, I just can't do it (though I will answer any question you send my way on my tumblr, ellenfaucet).

So as a final note, I have a question for you guys. I was going to end this way back before they started sophomore year and season one of Glee, because I knew this was going to be incredibly long and angsty, but you guys wanted me to go on. Now that we've reached the end of season one, do you regret telling me to write more?