So I suck, sorry for the massive delay. I promise I am attempting to get my fics finished! Please forgive me of faithful readers

How I Spent My Summer

Diary Eleven

I can't stay here and I can't walk out. I'm stuck. It's like a crazy limbo that I can't get myself out of. I think I need to get away, get some space and some perspective. Being here just reminds me of everything and makes it hard to make sense of everything. It makes me so glad that I will soon be on a plane to Baltimore.

I loved Ashley. I knew her reputation, I knew her past. I had been subjected to her go away, come here trip and yet I let myself fall in love with her. I ignored what everyone was telling me, all the warning signs and gave her all of me. Was that a huge mistake? I don't even know how to begin trying to get over Ashley Davies, or if I even want to.

I keep waiting to find a moment where I miss her less, where I love her less. It hasn't happened yet and I am starting to wonder if it ever will. Maybe I don't want it to. Maybe that's what I am struggling with, maybe I am not meant to get over her, maybe I am not meant to love her less.

Maybe what the fates (and my mother) are telling me is that I am meant to find a way back to her, that we are not over. Maybe our story isn't at its end yet, maybe I am not ready to forget her and move on.

I mean how in the hell does a person ever begin to get over Ashley Christine Davies? I mean really, how?

Look at Aiden, he has cracked onto me, dated Madison and Kyla and is apparently still not over my girl. Fucking Aiden.

I ran into Madison today at the mall, it was a little awkward. I mean it's not like we have ever had all that much to say to each other besides her calling me names and making fun of me because of my sexuality. Madison was quiet, more reserved than I had ever seen her. She even gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was.

While we were talking I saw Aiden with his Dad. They were heading towards the pharmacy. Aiden stopped when he saw me, said something to his Dad and started to walk towards me. I tensed up immediately and took a shaky step back. Madison saw this and glared over at the boy walking towards us.

She stepped in front of me and held up her hand to stop the dopey looking douche bag nearing us. Aiden hesitated and came to a stop in front of us. Madison scowled at him and spat, "Don't you think you've hurt Spencer enough Aiden? Seriously just leave her the fuck alone!"

I stared at her in wide eyed shock, Madison Duarte was defending me! Was the world ending and no one had thought to tell me?

Aiden opened his mouth a few times before he stammered, "I just wanted to see how she was doing Madison and this has nothing to do with you."

I shook my head and turned my eyes from his pathetic face. Madison scoffed and folded her arms over her chest, "No Aiden you just want to make yourself feel better for what you did and that is fucking pathetic, and I care about Spencer so that is what this has to do with me! Just fuck off Dennison!"

Aiden stared at her for a moment, seeing that she was deadly serious he turned and ambled off in the direction his Dad went. I watched him go and then turned to face Madison who was looking at me in genuine concern, "You ok Chica?" she asked softly.

I nodded and then thanked her for standing up for me. She shrugged off my thanks and told me she was sorry for all the shit she gave me. I smiled and gave her a hug, telling her all was forgiven. I mean why hold a grudge? We are all just stupid kids and we make mistakes...of course that doesn't apply to Aiden, but maybe it applies to Ashley?

He knew full well what he was doing at Prom. He put his happiness ahead of mine with no regard for anyone but himself. Aiden deserves everything that he has coming to him.

Enough about that prick. After I accepted Madison's apology we went to get a juice and ran into Chelsea. She looked tired and sad. Clay's death has not only hit her hard but essentially left her as a single mother at 17 years old.

Chelsea gave both of us huge hugs and the three of us sat down to chat. Chelsea and I both immediately apologised for not seeing much of each other after the funeral. I think both of us saw the other as a reminder of what we'd lost, when really what we should have seen was someone who understood all too well what we were going through and someone who could be a huge support.

Ah well, at least we can rectify that now.

After chatting to the girls for a few hours I headed home and to my room. I lay down and hit play on my Ipod, this is what started playing…

So bend and I'll break you
Leave and I'll take you back again

If she bends, then she breaks
She loves you but then she takes it away
She bends and she bows
She's cold, but she melts like snow

It's a song by Louis Says called 'She'. It seems appropriate for where I find myself with Ashley. I know that despite everything I want her in my life…she is going to have to earn it though.

Ashley has a cold, hard exterior, but that melts away as you get to know her. I love her and I can't help but feel that despite everything she loves me too. I guess time will tell.

Its time I got some sleep, I haven't been sleeping well so fingers crossed for a decent nights sleep tonight. Good night Ash and Clay, wherever you are.