Disclaimer: Mattel and other people own 'em. I'm just borrowing them for NONPROFIT fun and entertainment purposes. Please take pity and don't sue.
Keywords: Teela POV. Angst, humor, romance, all kinds of goodness.
Rating: R for language.
Summary: Teela has to confront and deal with the changes – good and bad – in her life.
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*Author's note: Since this is sci-fi, I'm taking a few medical liberties in this chapter.
Chapter 25
"Her pulse is way too fast, we need to take her to the infirmary. She needs to be sedated, now!" Eric yells has he holds my wrist while my father and He-Man struggle to get me to control my breathing.
Eric's voice is scared and commanding at the same time and though I'm not looking at him, I know he has what I know as his panic face on.
Speaking of panic? Why are we in the marketplace? Doesn't someone have a bomb?
"No sedatives," my father barks back. "We do need to get her to the infirmary, but we need to control her breathing first, that should stabilize her heartbeat. Her heart won't be able to take it if we pump a bunch of sleep-inducing sedatives into her right now."
Father always knows best. Father, please get me out of here. He has a bomb. Don't let him hurt me again.
"Breathe Teela, c'mon breathe through it," Adam's voice cuts through the noise, but I don't see him. "Please, you have to breathe."
Adam you must leave, you shouldn't be here it's too dangerous for you. I look around the market and I see my father and He-Man and Eric. What are they doing here? There's a bomb, they shouldn't be here. Run you guys! … Wait, I need He-Man, he can save me from the bomb this time … please save me He-Man … please, I'll be your best friend, no wait, I'm Adam's best friend. What else can I be for you? I'll do it if you stop it this time. Anything.
He puts his strong arms around me and lifts me, carrying me away from this place. Oh thank you Elders, thank you. I'm not going to be blown up again. I bury my face in his neck. I'm scared to look back. If Elkin sees me, he'll detonate the bomb again and I'll be hurt again and there will be pain. Oh Elders, please, no more pain.
"Shhhhhh, Teela. It's okay, I've got you," I hear He-Man say. "No one is going to hurt you. Shhhhhhh."
He-Man is going to carry me to safety like he did that time after we blew up Skeletor's goblin gate. I love you He-Man. Thank you for saving me this time. I'm sorry I was mad at you for not saving me before. But you're here now and saving me from Elkin again. Thank you thank you thank you …
He-Man why do you look so sad? Are those tears? Don't cry, you saved me I'm safe now. I'm safe now. I'm …
So very tired. Sleep sounds good. I think I'll just take a little nap while He-Man carries me. Tired … so tired …
Why is it so dark out already?
______________________________________________________________________
The Royal Compound Infirmary
Later that day ...
If I could have a special power, it would be to never get sick. I hate infirmaries.
I haven't even opened my eyes yet and I already know I'm in one. I can tell by the smell of medicinal herbs and potions, the feel of the hard bed and the choking dryness of the sterile air.
"What in the hell happened?" I groan to myself. I was in the communication room. Father was talking. How did I get here?
"Best we can tell, you had a flashback," I hear Eric say.
I freeze and keep my eyes shut.
"A pretty serious one." He-Man is here as well. "About the market bombing that … injured you."
"You've been out most of the day," Eric returns gently. "We were starting to get worried, Captain."
I move my hand and open my eyes to see Eric on one side of my bed and He-Man on the other. They both look exhausted, but He-Man looks like he's been through hell and back.
Oh Elders, am I having a nightmare?
"You gave us quite a scare, Teela. See? I said you needed rest."
Adora is here too? As soon as I think it, she steps out from behind He-Man and stands at the foot of the bed. All three of them look relieved. Confused, but still relieved.
But that is not the point.
"I had a flashback?" I ask the crowd as I sit up. He-Man immediately grabs my pillow and props it up behind my back. I chew on my lower lip. I thought - I was so hoping - I was past this.
Hopefully, my entourage won't press the matter further.
"Has that ever happened to you before today, Teela?" Adora asks me gently.
Fuck.
How do I answer this? Do I tell them about all the nights I woke up in a cold sweat screaming, certain that a sword had just punctured my shoulder again? Or about when I thought the first flashback almost caused me to crash an Attack Trak? Or maybe I should tell them about the last one I had the week before my father and everyone returned from Etheria. That time I wasn't hurt. I was in my office, alone. I barely remember it …
Do I tell them that I have never told anyone about these episodes in fear that it would completely end my career? That I couldn't stand the idea of becoming one of the "poor soldiers" that everyone pitied? That I was horrified at the idea of my commanding officers learning I had a mental disability as well as a physical one, and I would be probably be forced to undergo years of treatment at a "special" facility? I was already retired from active duty. Everyone was on Etheria. What would I have done without my work? As much as I didn't like the idea of teaching in the beginning, all I had left was the academy.
Do I tell them that the only times I had the flashbacks was when I had worked up the courage not to wear my sling. That every day since the palace was attacked - effectively destroying my security blanket - I have been terrified of this very thing?
If I say "yes," my father and/or Eric will pull me from this assignment and send me back to the academy. Eric might have me sent to a padded room. The people I love will be in danger again, and I'll be in confinement.
If I say "no," then I am lying to those same people I claim to love. And quite possibly endangering them. What would happen if I had another flashback at a critical moment and someone got hurt? Elders, I couldn't live with myself.
"Teela? Did you hear me?" Adora repeats, this time a bit more forceful.
Decisions, decisions.
I look down at the blanket and find myself wishing I had my sling. Its absence stirs the fear inside of me. For all the times I heckled Adam, I find it bitterly ironic that I am the coward now.
I can't let these people get hurt, even if it means the end of my career or a lifetime in a special facility for injured guardsmen.
Without looking at my audience, I nod in the affirmative. There is silence in the room, and I know that He-Man and Adora are exchanging knowing looks. Eric is probably stifling a smirk. Elders, I am so pathetic. Adam deserves a whole woman, not one that is only a fraction of what she used to be.
For absolutely no reason, I start to chuckle. Maybe my grasp on reality really is tenuous at best. Maybe I would fit in nicely at a facility. Hopefully they'll give me my own room.
"Could you two give Teela and I a few minutes, please?"
I look up to find He-Man looking at the other two. Eric, who doesn't appear to be as amused as I had expected him to be, nods and opens the door for himself and Adora, who gives me a sad smile before turning and walking out. I watch the door close behind Eric and lay back on the bed.
Here it comes. What will it be? Will he give me a lecture or a scolding? Or will it be the old "You're very special to me, but I think we would be better as friends"-thing? I am damaged goods, so I really wouldn't blame him for the latter. I'm sure he could find a more suitable wife than me. One of those ladies from Etheria perhaps. Who wants a crazy woman to be Queen?
"Scoot over," He-Man says as he sits next to me and swings his legs up on the bed. I wonder where he is going with this, but – with raised eyebrows – I do as he asks. A moment later he settles in next to me and wraps a strong arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. He kisses the top of my head, and I hesitantly rest it against his chest. No sense getting too comfortable when the inevitable doesn't warrant it. I listen to his strong heartbeat, trying to commit the rhythm to memory. When I'm stuck in a hospital room for the rest of my life and he's married to someone with a full deck, all I'll have are memories of him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks. His voice is not condemning or angry. It is sad. Oh Elders, I can't live with the idea that this man pities me.
And sarcasm has always been my best defense. "Gee, it's kinda hard to keep track of whose turn it is to have a secret in this relationship," I quip. "I guess I needed to play catch-up."
That's the problem with hindsight. You never realize you've said something stupid and/or incredibly cruel until AFTER you've said it. I feel He-Man tense up and he lifts my face with his free hand so he can meet my eyes. The pain reflected in those deep oceans of blue burns me to the core and I immediately feel ashamed for my words.
"Please, Teela," his voice cracks softly as tears form in his eyes. "I know you are angry with me, and if you want me to beg, I will. Just please, please don't shut me out like this. I can't take it. I can't lose you."
He still wants me? Elders, why?
Oh Adam, you've been through so much. You shouldn't have to deal with this too. Still, he holds me tight as if he's afraid that I'll run away. For as long as we have known each other, I guess I should know that he recognizes when my "fight or flight" instinct kicks in.
As much as I thought it would be he who runs from me, I find the thought of him actually doing it would be enough to shatter what thin grasp on sanity I have left. I can't do without him. It may be co-dependent on some level, but I'm willing to live with that label if it means waking up in his arms every morning.
Why can' the rest of the world just go away and let us be?
I reach up and wipe a tear that has strayed from his eyes to his cheek. The action breaks my heart and I rest my hand against his face. He sighs, closes his eyes and turns his cheek into it, kissing the palm of my hand.
I told him I would marry him. And I vow here and now that I will. As long as he'll still have me.
"I'm so sorry," I choke and fight against the sob in my own chest. My eyes water so heavily that I can't stop the tears from spilling. "I'm sorry for acting this way. I'm sorry for not telling you about the flashbacks."
The sob I had been fighting finally wins out and escapes my throat. I bury my head against He-Man's chest and let out a torrent of anger, frustration and sadness.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away! I'm such a screw up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I love you so much, I just don't know how to handle it!"
He strokes my hair and whispers to me. Because I'm so upset, I have no idea what he is saying. Once my crying jag subsides, I take a few deep breaths and lift my head. His chest is wet with my tears. I pull at the edge of the blanket and try to dry him off, but he stills my hand with his own.
"It's fine," he whispers tenderly. "Just be still and let me hold you for a few minutes. I think we could both use some time that is calm."
He pulls me back to him and I rest my head on his shoulder while he rubs my arm softly. The steady rise and fall of his chest creates a soft tempo and I find my senses becoming dull again.
I really don't want to fall asleep. Especially if I have been out all day like Eric said. There is too much at stake for me to be asleep ...
As if he is reading my mind, He-Man kisses my forehead then speaks.
"I know what you are thinking, but you desperately need to rest," he pleads. "The healers said you were suffering from hypertension, exhaustion and dehydration. They were surprised you hadn't broken down sooner."
He reaches down, picks up my hand and gives it a quick kiss. "I told them you were one of the strongest people in the world and had an iron will. Now, I'm pretty sure they all think I have a thing for you."
This makes me smile. "Oh goody, more rumors," I tease.
He-Man snorts. "Yeah, just what we need, right? I suppose worse things could be said."
Indeed they could. I've already heard most of them. But he doesn't need to know that.
But there is something I need to know.
"How bad was it?" I ask quietly.
"Hmmm?"
"My flashback," I elaborate. "You said it was serious. Are we talking like fainting-in-the-middle-of-the-room serious or foaming-at-the-mouth serious?"
He squeezes me tighter. Elders, it must have been bad.
"It was bad."
I thought so.
"Please tell me. I need to know."
He-Man clears his throat and then rests his chin on my head. "It was one of the scariest situations I have ever been in," he says softly. "I felt so helpless. You were right in front of me, but it was like you were somewhere else. You had no idea of what was happening to you. You just kept … screaming … and begging me to help you. And I wanted to, with every fiber of my being. I just had no idea how."
Oh Elders. I'm so sorry.
"What else?" I press, hoping he'll forgive my insistence. "I need to understand this. Maybe the more I know, the more I'll have a chance to stop it if it happens again."
He seems reluctant to continue at first, but then acquiesces.
"You were so far gone, you seemed to forget … my secret," he whispers. "When I tried to talk to you, you heard Adam, but you saw me – or at least, that is what it seemed like. You kept telling us to get Adam out of the market, but you kept thanking me for being there to save you. You weren't making the, you know, connection."
I frown. "That doesn't make sense."
"I don't think it is meant too," he replies. "You have been through too much. Not just this last year, but for a long time. You've been in combat since you were 16. When Skeletor was around, we were constantly dealing with him and his evil warriors. You've always pushed yourself so hard, and I'm grateful to you for always being at my side when I needed you. But maybe all this is your body's way of telling you to take some time and heal. Relax and just be Teela, for a while. Not Teela, Captain of the Guard or Teela, Master and Defender of Eternia. Just Teela."
I consider his words. They make some sense. But still …
"What about you?" I ask. "You've been through as much, if not more? How is it you aren't suffering any physical or mental repercussions?"
"For the most part I think some of that is the healing power of Grayskull. But there have been repercussions. I think there always will be."
"Like what?"
He exhales slowly. "Well, for one, being He-Man always leaves me feeling exhausted."
That would explain why Adam was always "tired." And I thought he was just lazy. We could have saved ourselves so much pain if I would have known.
"Until the time comes when I can just be – me – I deal with it the best I can."
We sit in silence again, and I can feel it lulling me back to sleep. Maybe I should rest. I lift my face and look at He-Man. He looks so tired.
"I'm so sorry."
He tilts his head slightly. "What on Eternia do you have to be sorry for?"
"I'm sorry for today. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the flashbacks. I hadn't had one since you and my father returned. I thought I was past them."
He leans downs and kisses me softly. I close my eyes and allow myself to taste his lips briefly before settling back down into his embrace.
The deep bass of his voice reverberates in his chest and against my cheek.
"You don't have to hide anything from me, Teela," he says. "I love you. Nothing you could say or do would ever make me feel any differently."
I smile. The lull of sleep is quickly overpowering me and I feel myself sinking into the warm embrace of slumber.
"I love you too," I murmur.
I'll think about all this once I've had a good night's sleep. I'm so tired I can't even remember what caused me to have a flashback to begin with.